August 30, 2009
Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Transference Issues, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Bad apples, Boundaries, BPD, BPD Behaviors, DDNOS, Destructive Behavior, Destructive Gossip, Destructive Survivors, DID Community, DID Therapists, DID/MPD, Displacement, Dissociative Community, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Population, Fakers, False Accusations, False Allegations, Gossip, Haters, Honesty, Ignore gossip, Kathy Broady, Liars, Losing Therapeutic Resources, Loss of Therapist, Love-Hate, Lying for attention, Lying to get attention, Lying to therapists, Mental Health Professionals, Not following bad examples, Projection, Protecting your therapeutic resouces, Protecting your therapist, Protection, PTSD, Sabotage, Self Destructive Behavior, Therapeutic Resources, Think for yourself, Transference Issues, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy at 2:44 pm by Kathy Broady
There are thousands of clinical therapists in the world.
However, of all the therapists in the world, only a few work with trauma and PTSD.
Of all the trauma therapists, only a few work with the areas of sexual abuse and severe trauma.
Of those therapists, only a few work with dissociative disorders, DID/MPD and DDNOS.
Of the DID therapists, only a very few work with issues relating to organized perpetrator groups.
And in that small subset of therapists, only a few work with more than two or three dissociative survivors at any one time.
And it is the rare therapist among that already vanishingly small number who stay in the field for more than a few years… or long enough to gain the experience they would need in order to be most helpful to the population of clients they serve,
So of all the thousands and thousands of therapists in the world, there are relatively very few who will have the kind of knowledge and experience that you are looking for when you need a specialist in the areas of trauma and dissociation.
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Why do so many therapists refuse to work in this area when there is so much need?
And why do so many therapists leave the field after committing years of dedication to dissociative survivors?
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It’s time to be honest.
First – please remember, I am one of the rare few who has stayed loyal and passionately dedicated to the fields of trauma and dissociation for more than 20 years. It is hard to find trauma therapists with that much commitment to the dissociative population. I am on your side – I will prove that over and over – but I am going to be honest.
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DID’ers are a very difficult population of people for a therapist to work with !!!!
Now don’t get me wrong. Some of you are absolutely wonderful – without question, the most incredible heroes and the very most courageous people I have ever met. Those of you in this category are absolute diamonds, and I really cannot say enough positive things about you. You all are truly inspirational, and I am honored to work beside you.
Unfortunately, those who are genuinely dedicated to their therapy and who work hard to achieve their deepest healing are all too often undermined by the few survivors who are willing to do anything but work on their healing.
Oh, these survivors will SAY they are working in therapy…. They will CLAIM they are dedicated to their healing…. They go through the motions, and they spout all the right words. To a point. And then they don’t anymore.
Because in reality, this small number of survivors is more interested in hurting other people than they are in healing their own pain. They are more interested in destroying others than they are in helping themselves. They are willing to lie about anything or anyone just to get attention drawn to themselves. They are very destructive and they are very sick.
And these destructive survivors could be costing you a lot more than you realize.
Ouch.
I am sure as a population, this is not pleasant to hear. Please know that I am not saying this to all of you.
Those of you that are genuinely dedicated to your healing know exactly what I am talking about – I’m sure – because you have most likely already witnessed your healing resources being used up, beat up, and exhausted by fellow survivors whose intentions were far from honorable. The survivors that do this are sabotaging those of you that are truly trying to heal, because the therapeutic field gets completely burnt out by “them” and ends up not having the time or energy or interest to work with you. Many good therapists simply will not be willing to risk working with other survivors after they have had some bad experiences with these destructive survivors.
So… the survivors that are undermining your therapists are doing harm to themselves, to the therapists, and to you. They are attacking, abusing, and destroying your therapeutic resources, leaving you with less. These “bad apples” are giving the whole dissociative population a bad name, and frankly, this kind of behavior should not be tolerated by any of us.
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Now what?
If you all want mental health professionals to stay working in the fields of trauma and dissociation, it is important to make that work worth it to them, and not a “nightmare” for them.
I am not saying that you have to feed the egos of the therapists, or provide support for them, or do any freaky weird boundary violations. Therapists became therapists for intrinsic reasons of their own. We don’t need y’all to “make it worth it” to us by what you give to us.
Therapists want you to make their work worth it by allowing them to genuinely do their job. We want you to address your issues, work on your healing, stay focused on your system, be honest with your feelings, etc. If you will do your job of focusing completely on your own healing, we as therapists will be thrilled with that. Your genuine progress will be our reward.
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That being said, what can you do to protect the relationship you have with your therapist in particular? And how can you do your part to protect the resources available in the therapeutic community, so that therapists are more motivated to enter and remain in the field, and more survivors have the opportunity to work with truly skilled professionals?
How can you separate yourself from those survivors that are destructive?
How can you make sure you are helping the problem, and not creating the problem?
Here are some ideas of what NOT to do:
- Don’t lie to yourself and expect others to believe you.
- Don’t lie to your therapist. How can you heal if you are not honest in your sessions?
- Don’t lie about a therapist. Don’t believe lies about a therapist.
- Don’t gossip about a therapist. Don’t believe gossip about a therapist. Don’t spread unfounded false allegations. Don’t chase off or destroy therapeutic resources with false accusations.
- Don’t forget to examine your transference feelings, and recognize them as transference issues. Don’t forget how projection, transference, displacement, and amnesia can affect your thinking. Work openly and genuinely on these issues instead of blaming the therapist.
- Don’t attack a therapist because you are too afraid to address the real source of your anger.
- Don’t let therapists become the “bad guys” in your definition. Therapists are your helpers. They are there to help with your healing. Learn quickly how to define the helpers from the hurters, and address that confusion as often as necessary.
- Don’t assume that all “survivors” are automatically being honest with you (or themselves) when they are trashing a therapist. Remember, they may be in the “hate” cycle of the love-hate dynamic.
- Don’t assume that all “survivors” are working for the betterment of the survivor community. Some so-called survivors are truly moles from the dark sides of the world, and are here to cause trouble in any way they can.
- Don’t let your jealousies and insecurities consume you and destroy your focus. If you want your therapist all to yourself, hire them to work 40 hrs per week at their full hourly rates. If that is not an option, be mature enough to know your therapist is going to have other clients.
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Here are some ideas about what TO do:
- Be genuinely honest with your yourself. The more honest you are, the more healing you will accomplish.
- Be genuinely honest with your therapist. Your therapist can help best when they genuinely understand the issues.
- Remember that your healing is to be focused on you, your behavior, your feelings, your mistakes, your strengths, your weaknesses, etc. Your therapy is about you, so keep the topics focused on you, even when it is hard to look at yourself.
- Do your own internal system homework in between sessions. Your healing will progress as you put your own time and effort into it.
- Be kind, appreciative, thankful, and polite. This doesn’t mean to grovel or do penance. Just use normal social manners and social politeness.
- Remember that your therapist does not have to be your emotional (or physical) punching bag. If you are hitting too hard, redirect your anger towards your abusers, where it belongs.
- Give yourself adequate time to work through the complexities of your healing process. An experienced therapist will not rush you, and it is truly ok for you to take as much time to heal as you need.
- Separate yourself from other survivors that are troublemakers and instigators of negative drama. Just like school days, if you hang out with people causing harm, you’ll end up doing the same, or being tangled in their web. Their poor behavior will cost you. You can decide if that is worth it to you or not.
- Ignore the drama queens determined to cause trouble in front of you. If you refuse to buy into their antics, they will move on to other pastures. If you give drama precedence over your own healing, you will not be progressing in your own healing. Protect the entire dissociative community by supporting your therapeutic resources.
- Remember to think for yourself. All too often, survivors listen to any strong, authoritative voice that tells them what to do. If someone is telling you negative things about your therapist, set a boundary, stop, and re-evaluate all sides of your situation.
- Talk openly with your therapist about any concerns you have. Give yourself the chance to problem-solve any difficulties or conflicts that arise. Working through conflicts is an important part of your healing process, and it does not necessarily require a therapeutic rupture.
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If you can truly apply these guidelines, you will be honoring your own healing. You will also be showing respect to your individual therapist, protecting other ongoing therapeutic relationships, supporting the greater survivor community, and enhancing the larger therapeutic community.
Maybe most of you think that you are not actively involved in the destruction of the therapeutic resources, but if you support it, believe it, allow it to go on by your “friends”, etc, then you could be more involved than you realize. You can either help to maintain effective therapeutic resources, or you can allow their destruction.
It’s a conscious decision that each one of you has to make.
Everyone has to do their part in protecting the few therapeutic resources available for dissociative survivors. You can choose to support the destructive people, or you can choose to kick them to the curb, and get along with your own healing.
Remember, if you genuinely focus on yourself and your own healing, then you are doing all you need to do.
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By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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July 14, 2009
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged Abuse, AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Parents, Amnesia, Amnesiac Wall, Conflict, Conflicting Emotions, Control Issues, Decision Making, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Wall, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Conflict, emotional pain, heartbreak, High-risk behaviors, Independent Thinking, Internal Chaos, Internal Communication, Kathy Broady, Learning to Think, Manipulation, Mixed Feelings, multiple personality disorder, Multiplicity, Sex Offender, sexual abuse, Sexual Assault, Sexually Abused, Sexually Abused Children, split personality, splitting, System Work, Think for yourself, Thinking, Trauma, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy, Treatment Goal for DID, Wounding at 1:03 pm by Kathy Broady
When you have dissociative identity disorder (DID/MPD), and you’re thinking as a multiple personality — thus having a multitude of different thoughts at once time — it can be very difficult to make decisions.
How do survivors with DID ever make up their minds?
How do survivors with DID decide whose opinion to follow?
How do survivors with DID ever decide what is best for them?
How do survivors with DID sort out having a dozen different opinions at once?
It is complicated to think like a multiple.
There are gaps of missing time, non-sequential pieces of information, jumbled feelings and emotions, snippets of conflicting facts, confusion, voices from the past, fears of more punishment, flashbacks, internal arguing, programmed thoughts, insistent introjects, personal insecurities, etc. The chaotic internal workings of a dissociative trauma survivor can make it very difficult to think clearly.
Non-dissociative “singletons” (people who do not have multiple personality disorder) can experience simultaneous mixed feelings, opposing thoughts and conflicting perspectives on specific situations as well. Singletons can write out extensive lists of “pros vs. cons” on any number of situations. Non-dissociative singletons do not experience just one thought or one feeling at a time either. They see the big conflicting picture all at once.
So what makes decision making even more difficult for survivors with DID?
All too often, dissociative trauma survivors functioned through the difficult times of their life by separating their thoughts and feelings into individual compartments and using dissociative, amnesiac walls to keep these compartments separated. Having mixed emotions and conflicting beliefs at the same time was often too much to manage in the middle of a traumatic event. Dissociative survivors learned to split the different feelings and the different perspectives into different parts of themselves, blocking one perspective away from the other. It is easier to separate and contain overwhelming conflicting emotions when the two opposing emotions did not have to directly collide with each other.
For example, all children love their parents. But if a young girl has a father who is sexually abusing her, and a mother that is either pretending not to see that or is helping the father to abuse her, then huge conflicting emotions are going to occur. The child will want to please her parents, even in this painful abusive situation. But in order to do that, the child will have to find ways to separate her experience of the parents she loves from the parents who are hurting her. Dissociating the conflicts into separate parts help this to happen.
- The child can split off a part of herself that is willing to obey her father even to the point of acting like a passive or promiscuous young child that appears to want to be sexual with the father.
- She can split off a part of her that feels the physical pain and injury of the assault.
- She can split off a part of her that contains the intense betrayal by the mother.
- She can split off a part that holds the emotional pain, deep wounding, and heartbreak of the assault.
- She can split off a part that holds the anger and rage at having been assaulted by both of her parents.
- She can split off a part that holds the fear of being violently assaulted by her parents again and again.
- She can split off a part that is the happy little girl who goes to school the next day, blocking out all the pain, acting very connected to her parents, not showing any sign of having been through a horrendous assault the night before.
The person as a whole sees the situation as a whole. But if a dissociative trauma survivor has separated the different feelings and perspectives and kept that information separated locked and blocked behind various dissociative walls, then the survivor is aware of only some of the information at any given point in time. She is not aware of the whole picture, because she has it dissociated parts of it away from herself.
Dissociative people are accustomed to separating the intense conflicting emotions and managing only one or two at a time. This might help in the short-run, but it does not help in the long-run.
So how do dissociative trauma survivors make good decisions if they are used to looking at situations from the constraints of one limited perspective at a time? What happens when they cannot see the situation as a whole? How can they make a good decision if they cannot put the entire picture together at the same time?
This is a common problem for survivors with DID. The part of them that sees and recognizes the dangers cannot always communicate with the happy naïve part who is determined to believe she is safe and unharmed. The ones that believe they are out of harm’s way (and who wouldn’t want to hold tight to that belief?) refuse to connect with the fear, anger, pain of the trauma (because who would want to feel that?!)
The problem is that by not seeing the whole picture at one time, dissociative trauma survivors find themselves tangled into a variety of dangerous situations. For example, they can bond to dangerous people without recognizing the danger. They see only as much as the current perspective allows them to see, and they don’t even realize that there is trouble looming in the near future. By dissociating the perceptions and experiences that might better recognize the danger, dissociative survivors can put themselves in high-risk situations over and over and over again.
Building the strength, the courage, and the willingness to talk to all the other internal parts in your system is key to getting past the dissociative walls and being able to make decisions from a more complete perspective. Face your difficult emotions, confront the truth of your trauma, listen to all of your inner selves, and recognize that other internal parts have valid information. No one can make a good decision based on partial information. Be willing to look at the whole picture.
As you learn to trust your internal parts to give you the rest of the story, you will be less vulnerable to people who aggressively or suggestively tell you what to think. The more you can trust yourself, the less vulnerable you are to people who would manipulate your thinking by maneuvering behind your dissociative walls. Predators and perpetrators will have less ammunition to use against you when you can trust your own selves. They will not be able to abuse you as much if you are aware that it is happening. The less you dissociate time and information, the more you can appropriately handle life’s current day conflicts.
If you truly know the whole story of what happens in your life, both in the past and in the present, then you are less vulnerable to feeling or thinking or believing something just because someone else more aggressive tells you that you do. You can learn to connect to and trust in your own thoughts or feelings or beliefs, and to make your own assessment of a situation based on that.
Look at the whole picture and think for yourself.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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