May 16, 2012

A Painful Mother’s Day – the Cards Not Written

Posted in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:33 am by Kathy Broady


Last week, I couldn’t find the words to write about the struggles that so many dissociative survivors have on Mother’s Day.

In response to that, a dissociative survivor emailed me, and has given me permission to post their thoughts about the painful side of Mother’s Day.

Maybe you will relate to these difficult thoughts and painful feelings.

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Every year on Mother’s Day we as a society get inundated with movies about mothers, sappy Hallmark card Mother’s Day commercials, endless rounds of advertisements on ways you can show your mother that you love her by buying her something.  On Mother’s Day many churches do tributes to moms – handing out charm bracelets, giving out flowers, and preaching sermons about how families are wonderful things to have and how you need to be so thankful to your mother for raising you and putting up with you.  Mothers are celebrated as though motherhood is the be all and end all of existence.  It’s required that you show appreciate to your mom, grow up to be a fantastic mother, or show tribute to all the mother figures in your life.

But what if Mother’s Day is just full of pain?

What if just the thought of your own mom brings on fear and anxiety, or what if you have lost a child, or what if you are unable to have children, or what if you don’t even want children of your own?  What if while reading praises about other people’s lovely mothers just brings you to tears filled with jealousy or an aching in your heart?  Or what if thinking about your own mom doesn’t conjured up love, but perhaps obligation or hate or even terror?

This is side to Mother’s Day that just doesn’t get discussed very often.

If you’re blessed to have a good mother, that’s wonderful.  But not everyone wants to hear about it – especially on Mother’s Day.  The day brings up too many intense feelings, especially if you want to be a mom but cannot be, or your mother hurt you, or your mom has died.

There are mothers out there for whom you can’t find just the right Hallmark card.  “Thank you for being such a precious mom who I am so grateful for” just doesn’t cut it.  How about cards that say “You were never there for me.”  Or how about “Thanks for never stopping dad / your boyfriend / your brother from molesting me in the bedroom next to yours.”  Or what about “I know you never even wanted me.” Or perhaps, “I never even knew you.”  Instead of thankfulness and love and gratitude, there should be cards that express fear, anger, stress, and hurt.

Instead of spending Mother’s Day taking your mom out to dinner and to the spa, some people spend it curled up on the couch, just trying to survive the day.  Some spend the day trying to cope with flashbacks; giving into painful behaviors such as cutting or over-eating; feeling lost and very, very alone.  Some people spend the day aching over the grief for children they can’t have, for the mom they always wanted but don’t feel like they deserved.

What if Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for you?

What do you do then while it seems that everyone else in the world is celebrating?

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Ouch.

Well said.  That is exactly the kind of emotional pain I was thinking about, but said so much better by this trauma survivor.  Their pain is palpable.

How do you relate to these words?

How would you answer these difficult questions?

How difficult was your Mother’s Day?

And what ideas do you have for Mother’s Day cards that haven’t yet been written?

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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

May 13, 2012

Momma Larks – A Job Well Done

Posted in Child Alters, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Maggies, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Stories for Child Insiders tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:10 pm by Kathy Broady


Mother’s Day 2012.

It’s Mother’s Day.

A difficult topic.
A difficult day.
Complicated.
Painful.
Often a day of loss and grieving.
A day that many dissociative survivors don’t want to think about.
Ouch.
If only…. If only, if only…..

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I’ve been thinking about these things all week, knowing I would / should write something about mothers.   Hmmmmm….  I wasn’t sure which angle to talk about….

Then I thought about something that has been happening around here each day.

I’ve been watching some birds again.  For several weeks now, I’ve been able to see a very dedicated momma lark and a equally dedicated daddy lark tenderly care for their little three baby birds.  This little bird family has sparked great interest, curiosity, and hours of entertainment.

This little fearthery family tucked their home deep within some very leafy trees across the street from me.  I just had to go over there to see if I could find it!  Their nest, not at all visible unless you meander directly under their tree with the grouping of many of trees, was cleverly built where it stayed the most protected from the cold blowing winds, where it would stay dry during the drenching rain storms, and where it would stay shaded from the heat of the day.  I was impressed!  The little babies, while having to brave the uncomfortable changes in weather, were clearly as protected as little birdie babies could be. Well done, momma bird!

To my delight, I have been able to see and admire their very busy lives.  All day long, the parent birds have been flying all over the neighborhood, searching for food to bring back to their babies.  All day long, the baby birds have been running around in the grass, chasing their parents around, looking for tasty treats to eat.  And when I say all day long, I literally mean, all day long.  From sun up to sun down, someone in this little lark family was searching for food for the babies.

And noisy!   These young babies are loud little sqawkers!  I was just sure all that racket was coming from a big ol’ crow, or some other big bird, but when I paid closer attention, to my complete surprise, that noise was coming from those little baby birds.  My goodness!  Noisy little flappers!  They are the loudest larks I’ve ever heard!

For the longest time, the baby birds just ran around like little speedy zingers in the grass – ding ding ding ding zing zing zing – running really fast, but just running.  Last week, I saw them actually fly up towards their favorite trees.  That was exciting.  The babies could fly!

I could still see the momma and the daddy bird fly back and forth, searching for food for their babies, delivering it back to them.  Once I realized the lark parents were feeding a family, I started leaving more food out for them.  I love my maggies, of course, but now I tried, in particular, to be sure the Larks had food to take to their babies any time they happened to show up on my front door.

These birds were smart.  If I tossed out a piece of cheese to the momma, she would immediately pick it up, grab it in her beak however she could, fly across the street to the babies, and disperse it to her little ones from there.  Then she would fly right back to my side of the street – to the exact same spot where she got her cheese – and wait there for me to toss another one down.  And the routine continued.  It seems like hundreds of hunks of cheese have been flown over my street.  Along with bits of bread, little tiny pieces of meat, and whatever seeds she selected from the bird seed pile.  Clever momma!

Feeding these babies has been a lot of work!  Their momma has been so dedicated to them.  She hasn’t rested one little bit.

Then another milestone happened.  This past week, the little baby birds were actually allowed to fly across the street too!  Momma and Daddy Lark have been trying to show the babies where to find their own food, Instead of feeding them beak to beak, they have been encouraging the babies to pick the food up from the ground themselves.

You would think this would be an obvious thing for the babies to figure out.  But no.  Not at all. Those three silly baby birds still run around behind their momma just squawking and screeching, wanting their momma to beak-feed them.  Bless her heart.  She’s showing them how to pick up their food. She knows they need to learn these skills for their survival. They can’t live on home-delivery forever!

On top of that, Momma Lark had to show her babies how to find their food, how to keep their food, and how to eat it safely away from the other birds that would fight them for that same exact bite of food.

I have to admit, my maggies have not been very nice to these little baby larks!  My maggies are just sure they are the most important birds around here, and they are the only ones deserving of food from this house.  They have not been very keen on sharing, that’s for sure!  I have to make sure the maggies have plenty of food too (and they do, believe me!).  The timing of feeding the little lark babies is becoming a fine art.

And those huge crows!  They are the worst.  They’ll steal food from anyone, even chasing and terrorizing the small birds in the air, following them around and around through the trees until they steal the food right from their beaks, or until the smaller birds drop the food for the crows to pick up.  Those mean crows.  I don’t like them very much.

Momma Lark has a lot to teach her little ones.  It’s been tense, and scary on several occasions.  Those little babies were clearly going to have to learn how to fight for their own survival.  After several days of these “how to safely pick up your own food with your own beak” lessons, I think maybe, just maybe, a few of them are starting to catch on.  Slowly.

Momma Lark must be exhausted by now!

Her work isn’t yet done with these young larks, but she’s well on her way.  It’s been truly impressive to see.

The phrase “ A mother’s work is never done” came to mind.

And again, I had to think of my own mother.  And the many years of “momma work” she has whole-heartedly given to me, including this year as well.  I’ll save the details of that story for another time, but I do have to mention her with my deepest respect.  The same goes for my momma-in-law.  She’s been an absolute gem to me (and my family) for years and years.  These two women have dedicatedly worked from their hearts for their families as hard as any Momma Lark ever has.  They are incredible women. Beautiful souls.  Tough as nails, but gentle as feathers.  I can and do learn a lot from them.

I wish all mothers were as dedicated and hard-working as the Momma Lark I have been watching.  The world would truly be a better place if we all had that kind of nurturing and protection throughout our lives.

Ever heard the phrase “as happy as a lark”?  Maybe this is why.

To the Momma Larks of the world – I thank you.

Warmly,

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

January 6, 2012

When Life Changes…..

Posted in DID Education tagged , , , , , , , at 7:13 pm by Kathy Broady


Life is full of changes.  At least that’s how I have found it to be.

Has your life stayed the same through the years?

Mine hasn’t.  Not at all.

And 2011, in particular, was a year full of changes.  Lots of changes.  Lots of big changes.  I don’t know what to expect from 2012 yet, but I do hope this will be a good year.  For me, and for you as well.

It’s January 2012.  And it’s been nearly a year since I’ve made a post in this blog.  Gosh, how time flies!   And to my delight and surprise, there have continued to be many site viewers, and thank you for that.  Seriously, thank you for that.  That’s exciting, and it warms my heart to see that.  I do appreciate knowing that this blog has continued to be helpful and useful to people even in my absence.  That was a big part of the point of writing these blog articles in the first place – so solid information about dissociative disorders could be available for free, 24/7, no matter what else was going on in life.

Many of you have contacted me throughout the year, asking about more posts.  And thank you for that as well.  I have been considering that, and it’s a possibility that I’ll start writing again.  I liked the blogging community – most of the blogging world has been very kind to me.  I really appreciate that.  It’s a nice contrast from all the dark coldness that thrives out there in the world.

I know that many of you have always wondered where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, why I stopped writing, etc.  IF I ever decide to disclose those details, I will, but until then, I would very much appreciate it if you all could respect my need for privacy with certain things about my life.  I understand that many of you have felt a loss, and for that I apologize.

Sometimes life changes in ways that we can’t completely control.

Sometimes life changes require some very difficult decisions.

Sometime life changes are very painful.  Sometimes they are very exciting.  They can be a drastic combination of loss and adventure.  “Tuck” was the first person to teach me about adventure walks.  (Thank you, Tuck.)  Life is very much an adventure walk, especially in the changes!

I hope you each are finding adventures in your walks.

And speaking of that… may I ask…. What about you?  How are you?

What has been happening in your life this past year?  How has your life changed?

Is there anything you would like to share about what has been happening for you?

I’ll be glad to hear from each of you as well.

My thoughts are with you all –

Kathy

July 12, 2010

A Real Unicorn?!!

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:21 am by Kathy Broady


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This article is written for the child parts of the DID survivors that read this blog.

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Hey Kids, did you see the news yesterday?  Hmmmm…. probably not, because most kids don’t watch the news.  And because of that, I wanted to make sure to let you know about something I saw in the news that might interest you.

Look!  Look!   They found something that looks like a real unicorn!!

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The Unicorn Found in Italy

 

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If you look here, you will find the video that talks more about it, and shows more pictures of it walking around in its natural forest home.  This little unicorn guy was found in Italy, and I think he is being protected and tended to very carefully.  That’s good, because there aren’t very many unicorns in the world!  :)

What do you think it is?
Is it a real unicorn?
Is it a deericorn?
Maybe it’s a unideer. :)

Whatever it is, it is very cool!!!

Do you ever think about unicorns?
Do you have coloring books with unicorns in them?
What would you do if you saw a real unicorn?

And if you don’t like unicorns, what is your favorite animal?

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Now I realize this little deer only looks like a unicorn, but so many kid parts talk about like unicorns that I just had to share it for everyone to see.

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And for the older parts of the dissociative systems, it really is ok to let your child parts experience some of the positive wonders of the world.  It is ok to let your child parts play, and to let them enjoy experiences.  Simple pleasures like chocolate shakes, or yo-yo’s, or puzzle games, or teddy bears, or soccer balls can go a long ways in connecting with your child parts.

If you have dissociative identity disorder (DID / MPD), your childhood was most likely interrupted by too much pain, grief, loss, trauma, betrayal, neglect, and hurt.  As a child, your play times would have been few and far between, and you would have often felt too sad or hurt to play.  Dissociative skills, dissociative walls, and dissociative amnesia could have separated some of the effects of the trauma from your awareness, but in all the years I have been working with multiples, I have never yet had any dissociative survivor tell me that she or he had lots of fun and play times as a child.

This is a very sad statement because having carefree playtime is a normal childhood need.  It is actually important to proper growth and development.  To miss out on playtime as a child means to have unmet needs.

To help meet some of those unmet needs, it is ok, and even therapeutically important to let your child parts have fun.  Let them play.  Let them enjoy some carefree activities.  Let them learn how to have good times.

Even if you are an adult, it is not too late to let your kids have fun.  Play is a normal part of growing up, and if this was stolen from you, letting your child parts play in the current day will help with your overall healing and sense of well being.

Giving your child parts the chance to play in the here and now is a corrective emotional experience for them.  Corrective emotional experiences are experiences in the current day that help to correct the wrongs and fill the voids that were left after a childhood full of trauma and neglect.  Corrective emotional experiences allow for healing, growth, and positive movement.

So go find a unicorn!
Go to a baseball game!
Watch a few cartoons!
Draw in your coloring books!

:) :) :) :) :)

Play, have fun, and enjoy life for awhile!
Your whole system will feel better for it.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

December 6, 2009

Compulsive Hoarding and Dissociative Disorders

Posted in Child Alters, Compulsive Hoarding, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, mental health, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:53 pm by Kathy Broady


Compulsive Hoarding is a cluttery mess!!

What makes this happen?

Have you seen homes that look like this?

Does your home look like this?

Compulsive hoarding, or disposophobia, is a psychiatric condition that affects millions of people.

Compulsive hoarding is an obsessive need to acquire and keep possessions, even if these items have little value, are unsanitary, or broken, or unusable.  Numerous items are kept and not discarded.  Instead of using the items already owned, or looking for items that are lost in the piles, new items are acquired repeatedly to the point that the clutter creates significant dysfunction in a variety of areas of the person’s life.

Compulsive hoarding is far more complex than it first appears.  It is connected to a variety of disorganized chaotic behavioral patterns and disorganized thinking patterns.  It typically occurs in combination with other psychiatric issues, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), eating disorders, attention deficit disorders, addiction issues, trauma disorders, attachment disorders, etc.

There appears to be a biological base to this behavior as research is beginning to explore a genetic link to compulsive hoarding in generations of families.  As children, many hoarders were raised by parents who were hoarders, so not only is it a learned behavior, but it could also be  biologically connected. The area of the brain most significantly different for hoarders is the part of the brain that is responsible for focus, attention, and decision-making.  According to research done at the University of Iowa, damage done to the to the right medial prefrontal cortex of the brain tends to cause compulsive hoarding.

Hoarders have a great deal of anxiety when pressured to let go of their possessions.  They typically require external assistance, including professional assistance, to help with the cleaning and organizing tasks.  Feelings of emotional overwhelm, intense anxiety, and panic attacks can be paralyzing for the hoarder.  These increased anxiety symptoms create an inability to make decisions, stir up friction and emotional outbursts, lead to fatigue and exhaustion, and repeatedly interrupt the cleaning process.  Letting the hoarder have control of the cleaning process and allowing time for the harder to build trust with the cleaning crew is particularly important to successful organizational efforts.

The clean-up process is intense and slow.  Forcing a hoarder to clean too quickly will not result in long-term resolution of the problem.  The problem is not just “clean up your house” or “throw this away”.  The problem lies deeper within the person, and the struggles will manifest again in just a short-time.

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How does compulsive hoarding relate to Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Compulsive hoarding is an issue separate from DID / MPD, but many dissociative survivors struggle with hoarding issues.

DID survivors have a variety of issues that overlap with hoarding behaviors: intense anxiety, deep feelings of hopelessness, fear of being out of control, problems with focus and decision-making, attachment issues, loss and grief, depression, the need for memory reminders, disorganized thought processes, disorganized behaviors, etc.

How many trauma survivors do you know that did not have safe people to attach to?  And how many survivors of neglect were left alone, isolated with no one to attach to?  When children spend too much time alone, they tend to attach to items, toys, books, stuffies, etc.  Attaching to stuff is better than attaching to nothing.  It is an adaptive behavior in a painfully difficult environment.  However, when this continues over time, the potential for these behaviors to develop into a compulsive hoarding situation increases.

The emotional pain from not having deep personal relationships or the fear of being near people can add to the need to connect with physical possessions or animals instead of people.  Building a personal relationship with stuff, and with animals can add to a compulsive hoarding situation.  Attaching to stuff can feel much safer than attaching to people.

With all the switching and amnesia that can happen with dissociative identity disorder, DID survivors can experience a lot of chaotic thinking and chaotic behaviors.  It can be difficult to complete a task – you can be there, and then suddenly find yourself somewhere else five hours later, having never finished the task you started in the first place.  These kinds of disorganized behaviors can leave unattended messes and growing clutter all around your house.  Do your child parts pick up the messes they leave behind?  Do your teenage parts pick up their clothes?  Did anyone remember to finish the dishes?  What about the mess those angry parts made?  Who wants to clean that up?

The “I didn’t do that, so I’m not cleaning that up” concept can get very difficult for dissociative survivors.  You might not know who made the mess in the first place, or the part that did it might not be around anymore, you might not know how to call them back, etc.  You might not know who to assign to completing basic household chores.  Developing system work and system cooperation can help, but in the meantime, there can be a lot of “that’s not mine” / “I’m not doing that” arguments.  Clutter and external disorganization can build while you are sorting out these internal system issues.

How many dissociative survivors have trouble remembering if they have something?  Do you own one of those things?  Did you buy that, or just think about buying that?  Or was that last year?  Do you still have that?  Or was that way back then?  Where did you live when you had that? Or if you know you have it, do you know where it is?

Sometimes it is easier to buy the item again than find it or remember if you have it.  While this can be a dissociative symptom, this also contributes to the “Shop and Drop” behaviors found in compulsive hoarding.   Shop and Drop refers to a pattern of behavior where the compulsive shopper drops their packages and purchases in some unspecified place.  Over time, the packages and purchases get lost in the piles of other clutter, and then when it is time to use the items that were purchased, the location of the dropped items cannot be found.  It becomes easier to buy those items again, instead of finding the ones you had.

There is also the complication of accumulation by repetition. Compulsive hoarders will acquire and stash away numerous items that are basically the same.  What if you buy everyone in your DID system a stuffie?  How many stuffies will that be?  What if everyone wants their own books?   And of course, many of the different insiders will have their own shirts, their own pants, their own shoes, their own socks, etc.  While it is extremely important that the insiders have their own things, the sheer volume of each of the parts keeping their own stuff can add to the size of an ever-growing clutter problem.

The same as with compulsive hoarding, things / possessions / items can represent memories.  For DID survivors, memory is a very complicated subject.  Having items that trigger memories, or remind you of certain things can be a significant part of a growing clutter issue.  Loss and grief are hard emotions to process, and holding on tightly to the items that help you to remember certain people or events can be significant.  It is particularly difficult to let go of an item that has emotional significance to you, especially if it feels like you won’t remember someone or something if you don’t have those correlating things.

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Here are a few ideas for addressing compulsive hoarding issues:

  • Decide your current life goals, and keep only items that match with those life goals
  • Explore the various meanings that possessions have for you
  • Consider appropriate medications for anxiety, OCD, depression, etc.
  • Work hard in therapy to address your emotional pain and other emotional issues
  • For DID survivors, work hard on developing better internal communication and cooperation so clutter issues can be prevented or addressed
  • Address your fears of letting go, or letting go of control – what is that about for you?
  • Be honest with yourself about what you really need, what you will really use, what actually works, what you can actually fit into, etc.  Challenge delusional thinking.
  • Get professional help if necessary, especially if clutter is affecting your life
  • Consider taking pictures of emotionally important but logically unnecessary items.  Photo albums can be less cluttering than keeping all the actual items.
  • Donate your excess to those less fortunate than you.
  • Consider new rules to live by:  If you get something new, get rid of something old.
  • Address your deep feelings of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, fear, sadness, etc.
  • Work on building deeper and longer-lasting attachments instead of repeatedly discarding and replacing things (but keeping it just over there in case you want it again)
  • Work on building meaningful attachments to people, learning to trust, and finding ways to connect
  • Find healthy, meaningful ways to fill the voids in your life by doing more, and keeping less

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

November 10, 2009

When You Suddenly Lose Your Therapist

Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, Self Injury, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:11 pm by Kathy Broady


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Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.

There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.

In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist.  When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.

DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders.  It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.

When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.

But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?

What if you lose your therapist due to

  • An automobile wreck
  • An assault of some kind
  • An illness of some version
  • An unexpected pregnancy issue
  • A family member of the therapist is ill
  • An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
  • An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
  • The family of your therapist has required a move to another location

In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time.  The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.

But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:

  • Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
  • Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
  • Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
  • Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
  • Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
  • Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
  • Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID

What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?

What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?

In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss.  The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.

The DID survivor tends to:
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  • Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
  • Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
  • Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
  • Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
  • Cry, cry, and cry
  • Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
  • Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
  • Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
  • Feel suicidal
  • Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
  • Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
  • Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
  • Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
  • Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
  • Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
  • Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
  • Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
  • Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
  • Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
  • Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
  • Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
  • Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
  • Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
  • Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
  • Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time

The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so.  In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.

Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.

I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!

They are not helpful.

They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.

If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible.  The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view.  Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

July 19, 2009

Life-Changing Heartbreak

Posted in Depression, emotional pain, sexual abuse, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:17 pm by Kathy Broady


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Something about heartbreak totally changes a person.

Repeated heartbreak.

Changes your life.

I’m not sure I can put words to it yet, but I know it happens.

Depression.
Sadness.
Loss. Grief.
Pain.

It consumes your thoughts, your mind, your time.

What hurts the most?  Abandonment?  Abuse?  Neglect?  Betrayal?   Dishonesty?   Physical pain?   Sexual trauma?   Aloneness?

I suppose there is no way to say what hurts the most.  It’s probably different for different people anyway.

When there is heartbreak, the heart breaks.

The sadness lingers.

You breathe it in with every breath.  It’s all around you at all times.

It sits with you.  Next to you.  Beside you.  On you.  Behind you.  In you.

The heart hurts.

You can feel it.  It’s a physical pain.  It’s an emotional pain.

Sad, slow music can express it oh so very well.

It’s just hard to find the words.

Sometimes heartbreak cannot be soothed.  There are no words to comfort or reach or soften the depth of the break.

Sometimes sitting with is helpful.

Sometimes aloneness is all that can be tolerated.

Sometimes someone else’s heart can hear the heartbreak, even without the words.

It’s in the emotion.  Or in the feeling of the person.
Or in the feeling around the person.

Real heartbreak is palpable.

Anyone listening or paying attention can see it, and feel it, and sense it – if they will.

Most don’t.

Maybe that’s why heartbreak changes life.

It creates profound crossroads in a person’s life.

The road chosen changes after heartbreak.

Life changes after heartbreak.

It’s never the same.

The heart breaks.

Profoundly.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

June 25, 2009

When a Perpetrator Dies….

Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:26 pm by Kathy Broady


Did you experience the social earthquake today?

The sudden death of Michael Jackson today has caught everyone by surprise.

Will he be more remembered as the King of Pop?  Or will he be forever remembered as a suspected child molester?

Everyone will have strong views about it, I’m sure.  I can’t even begin to imagine all the controversies that are going to be brought back to the surface.

The death of a famous celebrity icon affects so many people.  Early unexpected deaths of the rich and famous create a public stir for months and years to come.  Everyone talks about it.  Even twitter was overloaded with the breaking news. Anyone that sang and danced along with some of his songs will feel the loss.  Every choreographer will feel a sting and sadness.  We’ll see new books, new articles, new blog posts.  His face will be on magazine covers and newspaper headlines and in every version of media that we have.

In fact, it’s already on the news, online, in twitter, in chatrooms, on the radio, on television, in blogs – the news is everywhere!  Everyone is talking about it, and everyone is asking everyone else if they have heard about it.

Even Farrah Fawcett’s death today will be overshadowed by the controversial Jackson’s death.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of people will feel the reverberations of the news.  It’s like a social earthquake.

While maybe not as public or as clearly visible, the death of a perpetrator can wreak havoc on a survivor’s life, also for days and months and years to come.  For trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder, all the different parts within the internal system will feel the news with just as much shock.

Sometimes, abuse victims feel safer talking and telling about their trauma after their perpetrator dies.  I don’t know if or how that will apply to the children near the Michael Jackson situation, but it is very common with other survivors of sexual abuse.

When survivors feel intimidated by, scared of, threatened by their perpetrators, it is not unusual for those survivors to keep the secrets of their abuse tucked inside them until after their perpetrators pass away.

Survivors may do this purposefully, or their dissociative walls may simply have been strong enough to hold all that information back even without the survivor’s awareness.

Survivors with DID systems will often feel all kinds of internal changes taking place with the death of a major perpetrator.  There will be all kinds of internal movement, and shifting.  There will be an internal earthquake.

How do survivors with dissociative identity disorder experience this earthquake?

A.  Noticeable Decrease in Dissociation
Deaths of perpetrators can make dissociative walls crumble, emphasizing the point that those dissociative walls were there for safety and survival reasons in the first place.

When there is less likelihood of ongoing abuse, the need for dissociative walls is decreased significantly.  When the walls come down, the now-unblocked information reconnects back to the parts that initially dissociated it away.  Different parts of the system will be learning all kinds of new information, and experiencing new feelings.

B.   Memories of abuse, incident after incident, can come crashing through.  PTSD flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms will increase.

Why does this happen?

After the fear of dealing with their perpetrator in current day life subsides, and once the survivor feels safer, all kinds of memories can come flooding back.  Child parts or even older parts with trauma memories will come to the surface, each wanting, hoping for, needing time to talk about what happened to them.  The host of the system may feel overwhelmed by the sudden need of so many trauma-holding parts to have time to talk, and needing time to heal.  The pain attached to these parts will be intense.

C.  Increased Activity by Internal Introjects
Internal introjects may be kicked into greater action, feeling the need to replace the external perpetrator by taking a more vigorous role in the daily life of the dissociative survivor.  Some internal introjects were taught and trained to respond when the external perpetrator was no longer visible.  The internal perpetrator introject will try to carry on in the same manner, just to keep the status quo.

D.  The Emergence of New Alter Personalities
New alters may finally feel brave enough to step forward and speak about their life story, including trauma memories.  They may not have felt comfortable appearing until the perpetrator was dead and gone.

E. Increased Denial
While some parts may be happy and thrilled about the death of the perpetrator, other parts will fight that reality with all their being.  These parts with an attachment to the perpetrator will need time to explore and process their feelings, and to explain why they were so connected to the perpetrators.  Oftentimes, these are the parts that were treated kindly, and any abuse would have been framed in a more positive connotation.  These parts simply will not want to accept or believe that the external perpetrator is dead.  They will see the internal introject of the perpetrator and transfer much of their loyalty to this part.

F. Increased Pull for Self-Harm and Suicidal Activity
Many survivors will react to the death of a perpetrator with increased self-harm or suicidal activity.  The self-harm could be a physical effort of shoving back all the memories and feelings, to regain control.  It could also be an acting out of the trauma memories they are experiencing.  Sometimes survivors feel pulled to commit suicide from the need to be with their dead perpetrator.  When a survivor is experiencing these symptoms, it is imperative to work through the historical causes and beliefs that are supporting such extreme behaviors.

G. Emotional Relief
While experiencing safety from ongoing abuse of this perpetrator, the healthiest goal is for survivors to feel their sadness, their pain, their fear, their anger, etc.  So many feelings get contained away, but once it becomes ok to feel, there is a big release when those feelings can surface.  When survivors can truly allow themselves to address their fear, their anger, and grieve the loss of their perpetrator, they will be much further down the road in their emotional recovery.

All these internal events certainly cause emotional earthquakes in the lives of dissociative trauma survivors.  All of these issues can be addressed effectively in therapy, and many of these issues can be avoided by preparing ahead of time.

If you haven’t worked on breaking the bonds with your perpetrators until after they die, you will have a harder time after their death.  If you have worked on these issues ahead of time, the emotional earthquake won’t be as devastating.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

April 13, 2009

HBO’s “In Treatment” – Is That What Therapy is Like?

Posted in Dissociative Identity Disorder tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:51 am by Kathy Broady


How many of you have been watching the award-winning HBO Series, “In Treatment” with Gabriel Byrne, Dianne Wiest, and John Mahoney?  This HBO series is currently near the beginning of its second season, centered around how Dr. Paul Weston (Byrne) conducts therapy sessions with four different clients, and then his own individual therapy process with his own therapist, Dr. Gina Toll (Wiest).

In my opinion, the “In Treatment” series is more accurate about the layered complications of the therapy process than the brief bits of therapy shown in Showtime’s “United States of Tara”.  The snippets shown of Tara’s therapy were with an overwhelmed, under-trained, uneducated wimp of a therapist.  I suppose it is true that all too many therapists are overwhelmed and unprepared to deal with the healing process for trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Hopefully a referral to a more specialized trauma therapist in season two of Tara will lead to deeper, more meaningful presentations of her therapy process.

With the “In Treatment” series, the clients present with relateable issues, and the therapists become real people – likeable, emotional, genuine, flaws and all.

“In Treatment” shows how therapy is different from person to person.  While staying the same, the room “changes” and feels different and unique to each client.  The therapists and their rooms are the same from session to session and client to client, and yet they become totally different places as each individual client comes in, exposing his or her own life, pain, feelings, energy, thoughts, and emotion.

It shows how the therapy process challenges therapists to be their best selves at all times, as impossible as that might be.

It shows how much people actually say about themselves when someone is listening closely to what is being said.  And it shows how much people do not listen to their own selves, and how they don’t hear the words that come out of their own mouths.

It shows how families speak to each other – or not.  And how helpful family members can be to each other – or not.  And how loving, kind, supportive, and caring family members can be to each other – or not.

It shows how people wrestle with their emotions, their feelings, their realities, and the denial of those realities.  It shows their emotional conflict, turmoil, grief, depression, anxiety, suicidal actions, passive suicidal feelings, anger, panic, fear, dismay, agony, self-harm motives, struggles with life and death.

It shows how the therapy process, while focused around the expression of words and feelings, can be enhanced by paying close attention to the communication from the physical body itself, which sometimes says more than clients can put into words.

It shows how therapists get invested in their clients, and how they build connections and bonds with their clients.  The caring can be a real thing.

It shows how important it is for clients to make their own life-decisions, how much people wrestle with their own life decisions, and how quickly therapists get blamed when these decisions do not work out as hoped.

It shows how tender and fragile people can be, even when they outwardly appear to be strong, powerful, and in control.

It shows the importance of being heard, understood, listened to, and recognized as a worthwhile person, first by others, and then by yourself.

These television shows can lead to a lot of personal thinking and reassessment about your own therapy process, your relationship with your therapist, and how your life is changing and progressing.  How do you relate to what you are seeing “In Treatment”?

* What is your therapy process like?
* How is your therapy impacting your life?
* Do you see your therapist as human as Dr. Weston presents in “In Treatment”?
* Do you blame your therapist when your life plans do not work out as hoped?
* Is your therapist as central to your life as presented in these series?
* Are you more attached to your therapist or to your therapy process?
* What would you do if you realized how human and flawed your therapist is?
* Do you expect your therapist to be something more than a real person?
.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

March 15, 2009

Addressing Depression in Trauma Disorders

Posted in Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental health, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:53 am by Kathy Broady


It is no secret that trauma survivors get depressed, and depression is the most commonly known and experienced mental health disorder.

Typical depression symptoms include:

  • Suicidal thoughts, recurring death thoughts, death wishes
  • Suicidal behavior and suicide attempts
  • Self destructive behavior, self injury, self harm
  • Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, self hatred, or not deserving to live
  • Loss of energy, fatigue, excessive sleeping
  • Little or no interest or pleasure in anything or anybody
  • Inability to think, or to concentrate, or to make decisions
  • Significant but unintentional changes in weight loss or weight gain
  • Significant but unintentional changes in appetite
  • For children, not making normal and expected weight gains and physical growth

For trauma survivors, depression can have layered meanings beyond the typical medical symptoms.

Repeated patterned depressions can be very much related to a specific or recurring trauma, or to a significant loss.  For dissociative survivors with DID/MPD, the information detailing the specific loss or trauma may be hidden away or blocked off by dissociative walls.  Someone in your system might know why you are feeling depressed, and they might know what the loss is, but the host / front personalities might not have a clue.

Do you have a pattern of depression occurring at the same time of year each year?

Think back through all the years. Do you have any hints that tell you how far back this pattern goes?  Do you repeatedly feel the need for hospitalization at the same time each year?  Do you find yourself struggling more than usual at the same time each year?  Do you find yourself having thoughts of suicide or self-injury more often at a specific time of year?  Do you know how long this pattern of depression been happening?

If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, be sure to check inside and to ask your various inside parts what they have noticed as well.  Some of your insiders might have a different awareness of patterns and events than you do.

For repeated patterned depressions, it is important to find the original starting point of this depression pattern.  Once you do, you will get more clues as to what it is about.

My general approach to repeated depressions that follow a pattern is to “assume” that there is a trauma-based reason for it. Unless you have a better explanation, in terms of a bipolar type depression pattern, or a seasonal depression pattern, then quite possibly it is a trauma-based pattern.

Look around inside, ask around inside, to see if there is anyone that knows the depressed time of year to be a particularly bad time for them.  While you are talking with your system, be sure to pay attention to the following ideas:

  • Who inside feels the depression the most?
  • Do you see anyone inside who is showing the depression in the way that they are sitting, standing, laying, not communicating, not being “their usual self”, etc?
  • When you look at your internal system, who is showing / feeling the biggest list of depression symptoms?
  • If you can’t automatically see an internal someone who is depressed, take a broader look at your internal world.  When you walk around your internal landscape, can you find-feel-sense the center of it?
  • Is there a place inside where the depression feels the most intense vs. the generalized depression of everyone (similar to finding the eye of a hurricane).

.

Other trauma-related questions you can ask your insiders include:

  • Were there any significant losses that happened at this time of year?
  • Who in your system has experienced these losses?  (Do not assume that everyone in your system is aware of the same losses!)
  • Did you or anyone inside lose a child /children, or a close friend, or a loved one at this time of year?
  • Are your feelings of grief and loss repeatedly surfacing as a type of depression?
  • Was anyone inside specifically traumatized or abused at this point in time each year?
  • What happened?  What do you know about that trauma?

.

For dissociative trauma survivors, a significant period of depression can be a very important clue that there is an unresolved trauma waiting to be addressed.  If you have the room in your life to explore its foundations, and to address how the trauma issues are related to that recurring depression, you will be able to interrupt and resolve the depression itself.

———–

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

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