May 19, 2012

Maizy’s Go Away or Fly Away Kind of Day

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Stories for Child Insiders, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 10:36 pm by Kathy Broady


Maizy is a quiet little cow.  She talks when she wants to, but that’s not very often.

Maizy doesn’t like noise, and she doesn’t like crowds, and she doesn’t like bunches of people everywhere near and around.

Maizy isn’t that sure about people – she only likes one or two people, here and there.  And even then, she’s not completely sure.  People are not her favorite.

Mostly, Maizy likes her own space.

She likes to feel safe, and she likes to have plenty of distance away from the threat of anyone coming near.  For Maizy, space equals safety.  She knows she will be ok if no one is nearby.

Maizy likes anything that reminds her of unruffled freedom.  She likes to watch birds fly in the air.  She likes to watch horses run across fields.  She likes to see puppies play and ducks swim in ponds and butterflies fluttering around.

Maizy also likes to watch kites flying in the sky.  Kites up in the sky are very peaceful.  They blow back and forth, floating and looking, and enjoying their own space up and away from everybody else.  Kites get to see all kinds of things, and they get to lift up and away from the noise of the world.  And kites come in all colors, and all shapes, and sizes, and there is no such thing as a bad kite or a wrong kite.  Kites are just fun.  Maizy loves kites!  

But today, Maizy has a dilemma.  Oh dear, oh dear.

Maizy heard about a kite day.  On this kite day, all kinds of kites were going to go to the park and fly high in the air.  There were going to be box kites, and round kites, and home-made kites, and tiger kites, and fish kites, and heart kites, and circle kites, and bear kites, and mermaid kites, and turtle kites, and rainbow kites.  There were so many different kites coming to kite day that Maizy could hardly decide which ones to watch!  Maizy was so excited!

A Fly-in-the-Sky-like-a-Kite Day all day would be perfect!

So what was the problem?

The problem, for Maizy, is that the kites came with oodles and gobs of people.  People!  Yuck!  Maizy is not a fan of people!  Maizy wanted to see the kites, but she didn’t want to see the people!  If only the kites could fly by themselves over to the kite park…

Oh dear, oh dear.  What was Maizy going to do?

Instead of feeling happy, Maizy was feeling very cranky.  She was upset.  She was angry.  She did not want those noisy scary people to mess up her wonderful Fly-in-the-Sky-like-a-Kite Day!

She stomped her foot.

“Go away, people!”

She stomped all four of her feet.

“Go away, go away, go away, go away!  Don’t mess up my wonderful Fly-in-the-Sky-like-a-Kite Day!”

But the people did not go away.

In fact, more and more people came.  More and more of them!

Maizy had to stop and think.  She couldn’t make all the people go away.  As much she may have wanted to, she just wouldn’t be able to do it. There were just too many of them, of all shapes and sizes.  There were as many people as there were kites.  Maybe more!  Those noisy people were just everywhere!

Would they bother her?
Would they hurt her?
Would they leave her alone?
Would they be kind to her?

Maizy had to make a decision.  She really wanted to go see those beautiful kites, but she would have to be super duper brave to be near all those people.  Hmmmm….

What was a Maizy to do…

Ok. Well. Hmmmm….

She thought and she thought and she thought.

A Fly-in-the-Sky-like-a-Kite Day all day really would be a really fun thing to do. 

She really didn’t want to miss it.  She had already missed out on too many fun things because she was afraid to be around people.

Hmmmmmm…..

Maizy finally decided she could be brave.

Maizy knew that while some people had been very mean to her in the past, she knew that some people could be nice.

She knew that she couldn’t always believe the worst about everyone.

Maizy knew that a whole bunch of people would probably walk right past her, and not really interact with her at all.  Maizy liked that.  She liked to be ignored by strangers.  She was plenty happy for people to stay involved in their own lives and to leave her alone.  Maybe just maybe she could quietly watch the kites from her own little spot, and not mingle with anyone else.  She wouldn’t have to look at anyone.  She wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. She could just look at the kites.

Maizy knew she didn’t have to miss out on fun stuff just because she didn’t like to be around people.

If she stayed mostly quiet to herself, and if she was polite to anyone she decided to speak to, Maizy figured that there was a very good chance that she could navigate her kite party without any big problems happening.

Maybe, just maybe, she could go see the kites and not be bothered or hurt by anyone at all.

And maybe just maybe, Maizy could have fun at her wonderful Fly-in-the-Sky-like-a-Kite Day!

Maizy by a circle kite.

Maizy having fun by kite feathers.

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Maizy enjoying her wonderful kite day!

Maizy with a green kite!

Maizy watching a bear kite!

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

April 22, 2012

Don’t Touch My Stuff !!

Posted in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID Education, DID/MPD, mental health, Depression, emotional pain, Compulsive Hoarding, Hoarding tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 6:16 pm by Kathy Broady


Through the years, some of the most popular articles of the Discussing Dissociation blog has been about compulsive hoarding:  Compulsive Hoarding and Dissociative Disorders and Land of the Free?

I can’t explain their popularity on this blog, other than the way a rash of television programs have increased the awareness of the complications about hoarding. However, hoarding issues are typically accompanied by extreme anxiety, depression, isolation, family conflict, self-hatred, chaotic thinking, eating disorders and other problems also common with DID / MPD / trauma survivors.  Many emotional struggles are certainly not limited to the Dissociative population.  Hoarding is probably one of those disorders that the Dissociative community can potentially share with thousands of people more suited to other mental health communities.

It appears that hoarding is a much bigger issue than once officially recognized.  As a social worker who has done many home visits over a span of 25 years, I can say that I have seen hoarding issues repeatedly and yes, in my experience, hoarding is a consistent theme within various mental health populations, including dissociative trauma survivors.

How do we address these issues?
Does the professional “helping” community understand the depths of what is involved?
Do the mental health professionals really know what is needed?

On the various Hoarders shows that I’ve watched on television (such as “Hoarders” on A&E, and “Hoarding: Buried Alive” on TLC), most of these processes are expected to be completed within a matter of a few short days.  The interventions are quick, intense, and highly dramatic.  The hoarders have obvious struggles, and the gains made in their homes and living situations are typically significant and impressive, even if only one or two rooms demonstrate the successful changes.

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about the groups of people that experience the anxiety, stress, distress, personal gains, relief, and emotional freedom from having professional organizers empty their houses.  There are many groups of people, in addition to the hoarder community, that may require assistance in emptying or reducing the amount of items located within a specific property or home.  These issues could surface in extremity, for example, after someone dies (especially when there is no one to inherit the stuff), or during a divorce settlement, or after a bankruptcy, or prior to moving to new home, or downsizing from a large home to a small home, or for any other reason people may decide to liquidate their possessions.

To me, just cleaning out a messy closet is a big job!  Emptying, or organizing an entire property is an enormous job! It’s an overwhelmingly huge job.

Recently, I hired some professional sales assistants to help me to downsize / sell many of the items from my home / office in order to prepare for a new phase of my life.  My children are grown up, and each has moved into their own homes as adults, giving me all kinds of options for what to do with the physical space that lives around me.  I don’t particularly like the “empty nest” phrase, and yet for the first time in dozens of years, I have more freedom to do whatever I want to do, wherever I decide to do it.  It’s exciting, and yet very weird feeling all at the same time. That’s all a long story, of course, and it has taken several months (years?!!) of hard work to sort through those kinds of things, including what to do with all the leftover “stuff” that everyone has grown out of.

I took weeks of time to pull out the cherished treasures I wanted to keep, and then left the rest for the organizers to pick through, and to present in the way they created a sale for the masses of people they invited to come dig through my things.  As much as I thought I had already selected my most important items, it was never that easy, or that clear.

“Wait!  Wait! Maybe I want to keep THAT afterall!”

Or, “Wait!  Where did you find that?  I didn’t SEE that before.  Give me that back!”

Or another rough part was seeing my things just tossed in the trash.  Can you believe that my favorite coffee cup ended up in the trash?!!  My FAVORITE one!  I thought I was going to have a melt down right then and there!

Breathe, Kathy, breathe!
Count to 10.
Ok, count to 100, lol.

The whole process was not anywhere near as fun as I had thought it might be.

In fact, it wasn’t fun at all.

It was really painful and horrible, to say the least.

And I chose to do it.  It wasn’t forced upon me.  It was MY IDEA.  ( yeesh, lol).

This changing, transitional experience has been much more complicated and emotional than I ever expected it to be, giving me all kinds of fodder for blog articles, and a much deeper understanding of the intensity felt by hoarders as they go through their housing changes.  Even though I had lots of time to prepare prior to my professional organizers arriving, and I was not forced into making these decisions in any way at all, I found myself having far more struggles, and feeling intense emotional turmoil, and frequently overwhelmed with memories (both good and bad) while sorting through the rooms of stuff.  Wow.  Yeeesh.  Gee Whillakers!  Jiminy Crickets!!  It was a much more difficult experience than I would have ever imagined it would be.

One thing is for sure.  For any television production company to expect to go through and toss away / give away 80 – 90 % of a hoarders belongings over a period of just a few days is just ridiculously cruel.  Most people — especially those that tend to be collectors in the first place — are not ready to let go with that much finality that quickly, or that easily.  There is no wonder the hoarders on the television shows have so many emotional outbursts – the whole process is set up exactly to create that kind of emotional conflict within them.  I suppose that makes for interesting television, but it is not very kind to the hoarder.

My experience of working with professional organizers also reminded me of some of the stories I have heard over and over from many of my clients with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID / MPD).  Let me ask you a few questions.  Can you relate to any of these experiences?

As children or teenagers, or even as adults, have you felt violated when your parents or caregivers or family members rifled through your belongings without your permission to do so?

How invasive did it feel to have people touching your things when they were not invited to do so?
How powerless did you feel to see this, and to know you couldn’t stop it from happening?

How did this affect your personal boundaries?
How did it affect your ability to feel like something – anything – belonged to you, and to only you?
How did it affect your privacy, or lack of having any privacy?

When your boundaries were disrespected and exploited, what did you to do cope with the feelings you had?

With whatever trauma and / or neglect you experienced in your life, did you develop a greater attachment and emotional connection to physical items and personal items as a way to bond with something / anything?  Or did the repeated violations leave you distanced and unattached to your personal items, able to easily walk off, staying coldly disconnected and apathetic to having anything of your own?

How would you feel if someone took your things from you?  Or if someone threw your favorite items in the trash?  Or if someone broke an item that you cherished?  Would you have an anxiety attack?  Would you be angry?  Would you withdraw inside, crashing into depression?  Would you find yourself switching from insider person to insider person?

Does it feel good and more under your own control to keep the amount of your personal belongings to a minimum?  Does that feel safer for you, or does that feel like deprivation?  Do you prefer to have bunches of things, feeling safer being surrounded by stuff?  Does having layers of stuff feel like layers of protection?

How do victims of floods, fires, tornadoes, and earthquakes, or other natural disasters feel after suddenly losing all of their stuff?  Even if they evacuated with a few things, how would it feel to lose so much, so quickly?

It is interesting to explore these questions with yourself.  If you aren’t sure what some of the answers would be, try creating the situation, and let yourself experience it first hand.  Experience having someone else / something else take your cherished items from you.  Chances are, many of you reading this blog have already experienced these situations in your life.  But if you haven’t experienced this, don’t judge other people’s reactions and their big feelings about having “house invaders” mess with their things.  These experiences are a lot more difficult than you might have ever realized.

It certainly was for me.

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

May 3, 2009

Abandonment

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Online Therapy, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:30 pm by Kathy Broady


Abandonment is such a tender issue for trauma survivors.  Most survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have had more than their fair share of genuine abandonment instances.

For severe trauma survivors, abandonment would have been experienced over and over in various situations:

  • Each time your parents or caregivers turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse or physical abuse that was occurring to you right there in your own household
  • Each time your parents or caregivers abandoned their role of safety and became the perpetrator of your abuse
  • Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your physical needs, leaving you to be hungry, cold, unkempt, improperly dressed, neglected in any way
  • Each time your parents or caregivers handed you over to someone else that was physically or sexually abusing you
  • Each time your parents or caregivers left you alone for extended periods of time, leaving you to tend to your own care when you were too young to be taking care of yourself by yourself
  • Each time your parents or caregivers refused to give you proper medical attention or medical treatment
  • Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your pleas or cries for help, turning a deaf ear, and leaving you to deal with your crisis without their assistance


For survivors with DID, these kinds of instances of abandonment happened on a frequent basis.  All too many survivors were abandoned on a weekly basis, and for some people, on a daily basis.

How does this kind of abandonment affect people?

Excessive, repeated, severe abandonment teaches survivors to not trust.  It teaches that other people cannot be counted on.  It teaches them that they are alone in the world.  It makes them believe that no one will help, or no one will be there for them.

What’s worse, it gives deeper emotional messages to the survivors, drilling in feelings about worthlessness, unworthiness, unimportance, having no value, being bad, being stupid, being invisible.  It eliminates and destroys any self-esteem the survivor could develop.

It creates a deep-seated anger, an ongoing emptiness, a constant sense of isolation.

It scars the heart and pierces the soul.

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How can survivors of extreme abandonment recover from such emotional wounding?

First of all, to heal from extreme abandonment, it is important to realize and understand that your parents and caregivers were truly in the wrong for neglecting your needs.  When parents and caregivers make such huge mistake in their roles of tending to children, the mistake belongs to them.  It is not a message about the child, it is a message about the parent.

Parents are wrong, sometimes criminally wrong, legally wrong, in some of their abandoning behaviors.  Do not assume that your parents were “right” in their abandoning behaviors.  They were very likely doing something wrong.

Once a survivor truly hears and understands the fact that their parents and caregivers are responsible for the improper treatment of a child, then that survivor can begin their own path for healing.

But healing from abandonment is not easy.  The wounds went deep into your core existence, and overcoming that level of emotional wounding takes a lot of time and repeated effort.

Some of the steps involved in healing from abandonment are:

  • Remembering again and again that the abandonment was not your fault
  • Remembering again and again that you are not a bad person because your parents or caregivers committed crimes against you
  • Learning that while some people are criminals, not all people are criminals, meaning, while your parents were willing to abandon you to such a huge degree, not all people will act in the same manner
  • Learning to trust again, ever so slowly, little bit by bit.  Dare to try.  Dare to reach out.  Dare to build relationships.
  • Finding people, even if only one or two, that you can build meaningful relationships with
  • Being a trustworthy, reliable person so that other people will develop trust in you
  • Addressing your anger issues at the true offenders of your pain.  If you go “on the attack” to people that make small errors in your relationship (while refusing to address your feeling at your parents or caregivers who committed grave errors), then you will find yourself alone time and time again.  Work hard at showing the appropriate amount of anger equal to the level of the mistake.  Going overboard at people in the current day will not be helpful.
  • Working really really hard at separating the issues that belong to people in your past versus attributing your pain to people in your current day world
  • Develop relationships with pets or animals if you are too scared to trust people.  Building connections with another living being, where you each rely on each other, is a great starting place
  • Remembering and realizing that safe people will come back to you time and time again, unless you do something to push them away over and over again.  You can keep good people in your life if you want to.
  • Finding little treasures / trinkets / small reminders of people to help you maintain that sense of object permanence.  Out of sight does not mean that they are gone from your life.
  • Working on extended your comfort zone in terms of how often you need to hear from someone in order to feel secure in that relationship. Repeated contact, vs. excessive contact, is an acceptable way to maintain relationships.
  • Finding safe but creative ways of building relationships.  For example, if you are afraid to meet with people face-to-face, build online relationships.  Use an online therapist or an online support group as a starting place.  Connect through blogs, twitter, facebook, etc.

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Abandonment is painful, but it is still possible to build positive and healthy relationships with other people.  It will take consistent work on your part to overcome the negative, damaging teachings given to you by neglectful parents and poor caregivers, but you can do it.

Unless you really want to be alone, you don’t have to be left alone anymore.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

February 15, 2009

DID Trauma Survivors and Getting Support from Other People – or not

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental health, Self Injury, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:31 pm by Kathy Broady


As the show, “United States of Tara” is gradually starting to demonstrate, survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have friends and family members that offer varying levels of support:

  • Those that find dissociative trauma survivors to be really good, kind, decent, and wonderful people, and will stand by them faithfully.
  • Those that genuinely love and support and accept them even though the DID survivors can be all kinds of weird and “nutty” and difficult.
  • Those that get angry and upset with them because DID survivors can be all kinds of weird and “nutty” and difficult.
  • Those that believe and support the trauma and abuse history of the DID survivor.
  • Those that do not believe that the DID survivor was abused at all.
  • Those that believe the multiplicity, are comfortable with a variety of alter parts presenting, acknowledge the switching as a very real thing and a natural part of DIDer’s life.
  • Those that don’t believe the multiplicity is real, accuse the DIDers of just play-acting, and don’t recognize the other parts even when they are there.
  • Those that initially say they will be a friend, only to totally reject, leave, or abandon the dissociative person when things get complicated or difficult.

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So far, the Showtime Series has not adequately addressed the issues involving trauma and abuse.  It also has not shown any young child parts (teenage parts are very different than child parts).  Have you met a multiple that didn’t have child parts?  I most certainly have not.  I don’t know if the series will get into those serious elements of dissociation or not, but it is a critical element in normal life with DID.  How the friends and family members treat the DIDer’s child parts is often an extremely accurate barometer of how supportive and accepting that person will be for the DIDer over all.

It is, of course, the most helpful if the friends and family members of the dissociative survivors are gentle, accepting, kind, and understanding.  And sometimes, that is the case.  There are some wonderfully supportive spouses, parents, and children out there.  They make the healing process so much easier by contributing with their comfort, faithful assistance, gentle patience, and reassurance.

Unfortunately, all too often dissociative survivors continue to be alone and isolated, even abused and neglected within their own families.

Spouses often feel angry, ripped off, frustrated with all the added relationship complications.  They might feel like they are left picking up the pieces, and overloaded with more than their fair share of the household work and parenting.  It’s often hard for spouses to have patience for all the complications caused by the dissociative disorder and the survivor’s trauma history because of the heavy load it creates for them.

Extended family members are all too often filled with the perpetrators and original abusers.  Most perpetrators that engaged in violence so extreme as to split a child are not ever going to become a positive support for the DIDer.

Children of dissociative people can certainly be loving and accepting of the different sides of the DIDer, but the external children cannot be the main source of emotional support or the emotional care-taker for the trauma survivor.  If dissociative parents put too much emphasis on their own needs, hurts, and wants, and keep their own struggles as the bigger focus in front of the external children, those external children will be left emotionally neglected and will most likely become angry, resentful, spiteful, and hateful towards their dissociative parent.

And as much as dissociative survivors may not want to admit that they can be more difficult than average to live with, it is generally true.

What can a DID person do to facilitate their getting more support from others?

  • Be genuinely appreciative – recognize even the smallest of kindness from someone and thank them.  Thank them each time they give something of value to you.  Nobody likes to be taken for granted, and if you have the attitude that these favors are “owed” to you, you will soon find yourself alone.
  • Communicate what is going on for you.  Often, others will be more willing to give if they understand why it is necessary or important.  Don’t assume that they will automatically understand why you need certain things.  Tell them, and explain it in a way that they can understand.
  • Be determined to do as much as possible for yourself on your own.  Yes, your trauma history has left big gaping wounds, but the more you meet your own needs and find ways to resolve those issues without “taking from” or “pulling on” others, the more genuine your friendships can be.
  • Reciprocate kindness.  When someone takes the time and effort to be supportive of you, be sure to return the favor by doing supportive things for them as well.  If you are taking, taking, taking more than you are giving, the relationship will either die or explode in your face.
  • Get professional support when your emotional needs become too heavy for your friends and family members.  For example, friends and family members may very well pull away from you if you lean on them too heavily during intense times – ie: during extended or repeated times of suicidal feelings, episodes involving self-injury, or flashbacks.  These heavy, intense issues belong in the therapeutic context and not between you and your support people.
  • Build your support options so you are not putting too much pressure on one or two people to support you through the hard times.  The more support options you have, the less likely any one individual support person will feel burnt out or overloaded by how much you lean on them.
  • Remember that is it more important for you to learn how to emotionally support yourself and your internal system than it is to teach (force) someone else to support you.
  • Take time to enjoy everyday “normal” experiences with your support people.  Put your trauma issues aside, and do something that is pleasant and enjoyable to everyone.

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Remember the old adage:  To have a friend, be a friend.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

February 8, 2009

Dissociative Trauma Survivors – Must You Be Alone?

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Friends of Multiples, Online Therapy, Self Injury, Supportive Spouses, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:58 pm by Kathy Broady


Are you alone?

Oh, what a tough and painful topic this one is.

All too many dissociative survivors are alone.  Alone with their pain.  Alone with their memories.  Alone within their system.  Alone in relationships.   Alone in a crowded room.

Far too many dissociative survivors feel painfully alone.  Isolated.  Alienated.  Separated from others.

There are actually a few trauma survivors that genuinely prefer to be alone.  I still ask — is this a result of their trauma?  Would they have been such loners if they had not been so very deeply abused by so many different people?  I suppose it’s hard to say.  It’s not like they can undo the reality of what happened, so how can they take away the effects of the trauma to know what their personality would have been like otherwise?  I still wonder. I have to believe it’s very likely that a great deal of their need for aloneness is a direct effect of severe trauma.

All too often, the being alone isn’t preferable, it’s just how it is.   It’s hard not to feel alone if no one else understands what you are going through.  Of course survivors are going to feel alone if they are carrying the burden – the knowledge and pain – of their abuse on their own.  It’s hard to fathom that other people went through similar enough tortures.  Is it possible that anyone else could really understand?

For many, it is just safer to be alone.  If there’s no one there, there is no one there to cause the hurt, abuse, torment, torture…

And yet, for many, the actual experience of the abuse happened when they were purposefully separated away from their loved ones.  The aloneness was part of the trauma experience itself.  And the abusers controlled and insisted on this kind of aloneness staying in place so the abuse could continue undetected and uninterrupted.  The parent that cared for them didn’t know and couldn’t be told because the abusers threatened to harm them if they ever found out.  Or the siblings would be off playing in a different room, and they would be next if you didn’t cooperate.

Most abuser / perpetrators demand that their victims remain isolated and separate from all other people who could provide support and help.  For example, no-talk rules and deprivation traumas are intended to keep survivors separated from others.  Current-day isolation and alienation make survivors more vulnerable for ongoing abuse as well.

Alone back then.

And that carries over into being alone now.

Are you alone due to…

  • Your level of unrelenting emotional pain?
  • Your horrifying shame and overwhelming guilt feelings about the types of abuses you’ve experienced?
  • The fear that other people would hate you if they really knew what had happened in your life?
  • The utter embarrassment of being related to family members so deeply ingrained in dysfunction or organized crime and sexual perpetration?
  • The self-hatred you feel after being forced to actively participate in degrading and humiliating abuse situations?
  • The years and years of secrets that have created immense emotional walls in all your potential relationships?
  • The purposeful emotional separation from others in your family that could have  (or still might) genuinely care for you?
  • The dissociative separation from others in your internal system?
  • Your denial – which separates you from your own self and your own history and your own system?
  • Not knowing anyone in your local neighborhood who has also suffered from severe trauma and abuse?

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And do you have to stay this alone?

There is good news.  You really do not have to stay as alone as you have been in the past.

Working on that sense of isolation is important in your healing process.  It is also important for your safety.

The less alone you are, the less susceptible you are getting your needs met in dangerous ways, with dangerous people.  Survivors that are isolated with their pain are particularly vulnerable to predators of all kinds.

What can you do?

  • Continue to read and participate online.  In the current day, there are hundreds of web sites and blogs created by or for dissociative trauma survivors.  You can know you are not alone because others are speaking out and telling their stories.
  • Join safe online support forums.  While there are many good forums, I recommend www.SurvivorForum.  Be absolutely sure the forum you join is safe.
  • Participate actively in getting to know your internal system – let your own insiders become a sense of social support for you.
  • Join a local support group led by a competent therapist.
  • Get deeply involved with your therapy and your healing process.  The more you connect to yourself, the more you will be able to connect with others.
  • Address your emotional pain, find healing for your shame, etc.  The more healing you have, the less you will have to hide from other people.
  • Challenge yourself on a regular basis to get more involved socially, even if that is very difficult for you.  Explore your fears about it, and problem-solve with creative solutions for how to not let those fears keep you stuck in isolation.
  • Join safe but fun social activities that have nothing to do with trauma topics – ie: exercise classes, yoga classes, needlepoint / stitching groups, softball leagues, bowling leagues, group music lessons, scrapbooking groups, etc.
  • Start gradually, but slowly talk with your friends, your family members, your pastor, your AA sponsor, your real-life support people.  Don’t overwhelm them with too much personal information at once, but bit by bit, begin to share more about who you are and what you’ve overcome in your life.  Your story is worth telling!
  • Write supportive comments to other survivors.  The more you support others, the more kindness you will receive in return.  You might have to be a friend in order to make a friend, so as you reach out to support other survivors, you can begin building that bond.  Too many survivors look to others to support them without offering the same in return.  Try turning that around and be a friendly source of support for others.  They’ll remember that.
  • If it is too frightening or frustrating to think of connecting with people at this point in time, start with getting a pet of your very own.  Dogs, cats, bunnies, gerbils, even fish can be another source of life in your home and can make you feel less alone.  Your pets will love the attention and interaction you give them, and as you build a bond with them, you will enjoy their companionship as well.

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What are you going to do to overcome your feelings of alienation and separation?
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How will you resolve your struggles of being alone?

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

December 9, 2008

50 Treatment Issues for Dissociative Identity Disorder

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental health, sexual abuse, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:06 pm by Kathy Broady


“How long will it take for me to feel better?”

As a clinical therapist, I hear that question frequently.  It’s a reasonable question.  I certainly understand that when someone is deeply hurting and struggling in their life, they want to feel better as quickly as possible.

However, the clinical treatment for someone with DID / MPD is long term.  Some research has said that the treatment can be completed within two or three years, but in my clinical experience, that is far from the truth.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a result of long-term, chronic, severe, sadistic child abuse.  As children, these survivors witnessed and experienced a myriad of heinous crimes.  They typically describe repeated consuming abuse by multiple perpetrators, and then were otherwise emotionally neglected, starving for comfort, consolation, or attention. They were left alone, even while very young, to process and contain their pain by themselves.  For these children, the splitting process became their way of coping with emotional intensity, conflicts, huge distress, and intense pain that were otherwise far too difficult to manage on their own.  They blocked off their pain, locked it away from themselves, and left it there.  Sitting, waiting, piling up for years.

When you understand how much pain and abuse has occurred in order to create the dissociative splits in the first place, it is no wonder that the healing process is also so very long.  All areas of dissociative survivors’ lives are touched and profoundly changed or affected by the abuse.  It simply takes a very long time to address everything properly.

Some of the treatment issues are:

  • Stabilization of the person – both internally and externally
  • Managing and eliminating self-injury and self-harm issues
  • Examining and obtaining current-day external safety from abuse
  • Internal system safety
  • Developing effective internal communication
  • Calming internal noise and chaos
  • Working specifically with child parts
  • Working specifically with adult parts
  • Working specifically with teenage parts
  • Learning about the other system parts
  • Working with internal perpetrator introjects
  • Creating emotional separation from external perpetrators
  • Working with triggers
  • Correcting cognitive distortions
  • Addressing gender confusion, male vs. female issues
  • Processing emotions
  • Body image issues
  • Reducing time loss, memory loss, amnesia
  • Time confusion, time distortion
  • Trauma processing – memory work
  • Body memories and kinesthetic issues
  • Understanding re-enactments and trauma bonds
  • Healing sexual abuse issues
  • Healing physical abuse issues
  • Healing emotional abuse issues
  • Healing ritualized abuse issues
  • Healing exploitation, pornography, prostitution, sex slavery issues
  • Managing family, marital, parenting issues
  • Addressing addictions
  • Managing eating disorders
  • Household management issues – improving daily functioning
  • Relationship issues and teaching social skills
  • Understanding the effects of trauma on the brain
  • Improving self-independence and self-reliance
  • Improving self esteem issues
  • Leaving disability and regaining employment
  • Depression and medication management
  • Bipolar disorder and medication management
  • Anxiety / Panic and medication management
  • Post-traumatic stress issues (PTSD)
  • Reducing phobias
  • Social anxiety and social isolation
  • Safely eliminating suicidal ideation and suicidal behaviors
  • Homicidal ideation and anger management
  • Exploring spiritual confusion
  • Philosophical issues
  • Detachment and separation issues
  • Treating sleep disorders
  • Treating medical complications and physical harm resulting from the abuse
  • Reaching integration, blended states, or effective system team work

That’s a tremendous amount of work.  And most of these issues surface again and again and again, requiring in-depth attention on a regular basis for years of time.

Emotional healing on such a wide scale just does not happen fast.  Forcing the issues or pretending to be “done” sooner than realistically possible is not helpful.

Simply put, years of severe injuries will require years of intense healing.

It takes as long as it takes.

__________

by:

Kathy Broady, LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

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