April 24, 2012
Just for FUN!!
All too often, the healing work for dissociative trauma survivors is so very heavy, and filled full of pain, heartbreak, struggles, anguish, horrors, fears, conflict, etc. Too many days can too easily feel like the healing process is far too difficult to be worth it. When it feels like that, it is really important to remember to take a few breaks from the hard stuff, and to save room for fun. It’s like recognizing the “stop and smell the roses” idea. Only for this, it’s about stopping to have some good times, or at least decent times, along the way.
Besides, all work and no play is just no fun! And your inside kids, like all children, need time to play, and to laugh, and to enjoy life too. And kids, even if your adults don’t realize it, they need time to play, and laugh, and smile, and to relax from all the stress they feel too.
So….. are you all ready to do something fun? I know I am!
In honor of not having enough fun moments in our lives, I’ve decided to make a blog post dedicated to just fun things. Just fun stuff! No hard stuff. No icky stuff. Just FUN stuff!
And I would like your help to complete it.
Here’s what I have in mind.
I’m including some pictures in this blog that, for me, represent fun, good times, pleasant memories, and happy moments. I hope some of these pictures bring a smile to your face.
I also want to invite you to send in pictures that represent those same kinds of feelings for you.
If you can post your pictures directly in your comment, that’s great. (Being technically challenged, I am not sure if that can be done or not.) Not to worry – I have a back-up plan in mind. If the comment option does not allow for pictures to be shown in the comments, please feel free to email your pictures to me, along with any comments / explanatory notes that you would like attached to your pictures, and then I’ll post them in a separate blog article format.
Then we can all share in the fun stuff, which makes fun even more fun!
Please be sure that any pictures you send completely pass the “Just for FUN!” (a good, safe, happy kind of fun) project idea.
Please note: If anyone sends in spooky pictures, I’m not going to post them – because there is typically some not so funny someone who wants to spoil the fun – but for this exercise, no spookiness is allowed. And yes, I get to be the judge on what looks too spooky and what doesn’t.
Yes, you can send in more than one picture if you would like to.
*** Please be sure that you have the rights to send in / have posted whatever picture you send. If it specifically belongs to someone else, please don’t send it in as if it is yours. Also, please don’t include pictures of other people that may not want their picture posted on a blog. I am not interested in getting any kind of fussing going on. So please, only send in pictures that are not a violation to anyone else, please and thank you. ***
The first two pictures I am including in this “Just for Fun!” Project were sent to me via email that was circulating around all over the place. I don’t know who the photographer is, but they did a great job creating such fun pictures. Enjoy!
How can you not smile when you see these beautiful little duckies in this picture?
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Sweet little baby ducks - so cute!
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And what a creative, fun picture this is! Do you think it is real? Or has it been photoshopped? Either way, it’s a great picture of an elephant having all kinds of fun.
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ahhh.... the good life. 
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And now, on a more personal level, here’s a picture of Emma, trying to sit comfortably on a pillow.
I don’t know if she is comfy or not. What do you think?
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Emma! That's a funny way for a puggy to sit, Emma!
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And last but not least, here is a picture of me with a cute little piggy I saw a few weeks ago.
Remembering a good day with a fun little pig.
This little piggy was only two months old, very tiny for a pig, but super fast and brimming full of energy. Absolutely darling, he was barely taller than my ankles, and one-third the size of Emma the puggy. He would race around his little area, zipping here, zipping there, making all kinds of funny piggy noises. I giggled and giggled as I watched him run, and heard him snort in all kinds of funny ways. This little pig was simply the highlight of that morning, so I just had to include him today as a fond memory of a good time.
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What kinds of fun pictures do you have that bring a smile to your face?
I’m looking forward to seeing them!
Happy smiles, everyone,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
April 10, 2010
Not Getting to Be Your True Self – But Whose Life is it Anyway?
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I’ve been wondering for awhile about what aspect to focus on with this week’s episode of United States of Tara. Then I remembered the last minute of the show.
Buck and his girlfriend, Pammy
And I thought more of how very painful and how very real that heartbreak is for Buck.
Throughout this season two, Tara has struggled with the fact that she is in fact multiple – that she does have dissociative identity disorder – that she is switching, or “transitioning” as she calls it – that she has other parts to herself that also want time and attention and a little bit of life space. Tara is upset about having to share her life with her insiders and she has convinced herself that she is the only one in the body who should have a life. She has decided that she “is” the life, and that no one else matters, just her.
Apparently she thinks that she, Tara, is the one and only important self. No one else matters –she is the only one that matters. Tara, Tara, Tara – it’s all about Tara.
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Well. I’ve heard far too many hosts present with that kind of attitude, but to the dismay of far too many host personalities, I completely disagree with that concept.
I vote for the system.
Meaning, if I had a vote regarding Tara, I would support Buck.
Buck is as real as Tara.
Buck is every bit as much of a person as Tara is.
Buck has his own thoughts, feelings, experiences, memories, wants, desires, etc. He is as important as Tara is.
Can Tara stake claim as the ONLY part of the system that gets to have time?
Is she really the only one that is important?
I don’t think so.
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See – the way I see it – Tara is only a portion of the person. She is not THE person. She is part of the whole person, the same as Buck is part of the whole person. Tara may have the upfront, outwardly social wife and mother role of the person, but she is not the whole person.
Tara is important, there is no denying that. I would never ever say she isn’t important. And she can be considered the leader of the system – I’m all for that idea as well.
But to say she is the only one that matters???
That is taking it too far.
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Buck and the others inside are also important. They are as important as Tara. They may have different roles, different abilities, different preferences, different histories, different memories, etc, but they are still part of the person as a whole, and they should get to have part of the life as well.
I’m not saying that I am supporting the idea that Buck has been having an affair outside of the marriage vows. An affair is an affair, and Buck is completely and fully aware of what he has been doing that would be so very hurtful to the husband. He is responsible for the pain he has caused in his family, and like it or not, he is actually already married. Buck has cheated on his husband, and he will have to face the music on that one.
Yes, Buck and Tara have a whopping lot of work to do in order to resolve this conflict but the fact of the matter is, Buck is his own person too.
And part of the current heartbreak for Buck is that Tara has staked a little more claim on how the outward life is managed, and that genuinely leaves Buck not knowing how to be or do what he wants to be or do in his own life right now. No, it really isn’t ok for Buck to go out and have his own affair. Yes, he really is his own person, but his actions still affect those around him. He will need to figure out a way to live happily and fulfilled as himself without hurting others. I don’t know how that will look for Buck, but that is the challenge he is facing right now.
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The point I want to emphasize here is that the DID system insiders do count.
They are real, they do exist, they have their own wants and dreams, and they are as important as anyone else. So squashing them out of existence, or refusing to give them time or acknowledgement is not ok.
Cooperation, compromising and sharing are absolutely important – but refusing to let the insiders have their own life-space is bordering on creating a self-centered dictatorship, in my definition.
Buck’s heartbreak about not getting to have the life he wants on his very own is very real. Insiders can and do feel extreme sadness and emotional pain over not being able to have their own bodies, their own separate lives, their own complete freedom of choice. Buck really and truly wanted to have his own girlfriend, and to have his own relationship, and to have his own time in the body. He wants the freedom to be his real self, and to make the choices he would make if he had his very own body.
If it were only that easy….
Sharing a body with 5-10-20-30 or more different insiders is extremely difficult. There seems to never be enough time to do everything everyone wants to do.
It means that sharing the 24-hour day is essential. It means that giving each other time in the body needs to be a coordinated, cooperative, ongoing process.
Finding ways to meet the needs, wants, and preferences of each of the different insiders is really complicated, and it does take a whole lot of work to find acceptable compromises. The key word here, being compromise. Tara can no more take over the life as completely her own any more than Buck can. They have to find a way to work that out together.
Because they are both real.
And they both exist.
And they both can have a say in how life looks for them.
Because they are both important, and valuable, and necessary.
Buck really is as real as Tara. And if he has to prove that, he can.
So to all the hosts out there – be willing to share the life-space with your insiders. Because far too often, if you refuse to do that, your insiders could make a mutiny type decision like Buck did. And that really never works out very well for anyone.
Value everyone in your system.
Use interpersonal skills layered in cooperation, compromise and teamwork.
Be willing to share.
Treat each other with kindness and generosity.
Accept that there are differences between you and the others and find ways to make it work so that everyone can get some of what they need.
Everyone in your system has the right to be happy.
Their lives matter too.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
January 3, 2010
Hopelessness and Despair
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Some days just feel too hard.
Those days feel like you just can’t make it through…
Those are the days when you wish you could curl up in a ball, and sleep or stare all day long…
Or hide away forever…
Ever had a day like that?
Ever felt like your problems were just toooooo big? Or tooooo never-ending? Or tooooo all-encompassing?
Ever felt overwhelmed with hopelessness?
Or despair?
Or sadness?
When the pain is just too much, or the traps are too thick, or the future looks too bleak, or too many abusers snarl in your doorway…
What do you do then?
How do you not give yourself over to those deep dark days?
How do you hold onto hope when the fight seems to be bigger than you can fathom?
How do you find your strength when you feel exhausted to your very core?
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Dissociative trauma survivors know these feelings all too well. Year after year of enduring the pain of trauma and abuse has demanded more from the inner self than can be put into words. DID survivors, overwhelmed by the attacks and betrayals by the people near them, create amnesiac walls and a wide variety of inside parts to get some relief from the overwhelming intensity of such painful experiences. These walls provide a much needed separation from the suffering, space from the heartbreak, a fresh start for a few simpler moments of time.
Separating into different people helps endure the abuse as it is happening.
Leaving the trauma by floating away or hiding within can allow for an escape for at least a few minutes.
The dissociative walls can ensure more separation from the details of what happened.
Box it up, contain it, push it away. That should work, right?
Sometimes it does. In lots of ways it works, but not completely.
Even with layers of separation, it still hurts in there.
Sometimes, trauma survivors use drugs, alcohol, self-injury, shopping, running, or any other form of addiction to help create even more distance from that black hole of pain that just never seems to leave or dissipate.
How does one ever move past such deep emotional pain? The body heals, bruises fade, the bleeding stops. But the heartbreak and sadness and emotional pain remain so long that hopelessness and despair can find a comfortable lodging place right up front on the front row of life.
What do you do, when you feel like you can’t go on anymore?
What do you do when it just seems to be more than you can bear?
Give yourself the permission to feel what you feel. It’s ok to acknowledge that pain, to feel that hopelessness, to sit in your despair. Stay there for awhile, if you need to. These are real feelings, and it really does hurt. You don’t have to pretend that it’s not there. Your heart is heavy, and it feels like there may just be no way out….
But there is a way out.
It will mean doing some new things, but there is a way out of that place of hopeless and despair.
In acknowledging the pain, you might finally give yourself permission to cry. Find a private, safe place, or sit with a trusted friend or therapist, just find a place far away from anyone that will hurt you because you have tears. Find a place where tears are allowed… and let the pain come out naturally… Don’t hold it in. Let your pain have an expression… Let your pain have its own voice.
Wrap yourself in things that are comforting. That might mean surrounding yourself in music that touches your soul, or in warm tight blankets that soothe the skin, or with pets and stuffies that are kind to you.
Self-soothing is important.
And as you can, one by one, tackle those things that have been too huge to touch. Look at the truth of what happened, find ways to separate yourself from those who have hurt you, let yourself have safety and distance from anyone that brings you harm, allow yourself to end the abuse. Your healing will be compromised if you stay involved with people that hurt you. You don’t need that anymore – enough hurt already! Your life will feel much more hopeful when you are safely away from abusers.
So be brave. And be honest. Look at the reality of who has hurt you in your life. Don’t blame people that just happen to be in the way. Look at the real source of your pain. If you blame the wrong target, just because it’s easier, you will still be missing the boat. And no matter how many false targets you take down, you will still hurt inside because you are still not being honest with yourself.
As you reconnect with the pain you once separated from, and as you allow yourself to find true safety and genuine comfort, your heartbreak will lessen. This is not easy, and while there are all kinds of complicated twists and turns in this journey, it is the way out. It’s hard to deal with it all, but little bit by little bit, you can move through it.
Look for something in the future that you might like. What would you like to be able to do that you haven’t been able to do because of all the muddy muck that entangled you? Maybe you’ll have to explore new things to know what else you could enjoy. Maybe you’ll have to be courageous enough to try something completely new. But you can. Have the courage to go there, because if you don’t break out and away from where you’ve been, you’ll only have more of that old stuff.
You don’t have to have the talents of Carrie Underwood or the smarts of Albert Einstein to be successful in your own life. You will have your own abilities. But be willing to try new things to get there. Who knows what talents that you have!
In all honesty, you’ll probably find that you have strengths, talents, and abilities that you never knew you had. You’ll be able to develop interests and skills that you could only dream of before. Your life can be filled with new activities, different priorities, and creative options that you never knew were possible.
You’ll be able to build relationships built on respect, caring, and warmth. Being alone won’t be stifled in pain, but connecting with others won’t be paralyzed with fear. Your insiders can be your very best friends in the world, and effective teamwork can replace isolation. This doesn’t happen overnight, but you can get there.
As you experience true freedom and genuine safety from the chains of abuse, your life will be free to have hope, excitement, fun, and adventure. You can explore the beauty that life offers instead of being tied to the abuse and torment of perpetrators.
You won’t have to stay drowned in hopelessness and despair when you can see something creative and exciting and positive in your very own life that belongs to you.
When you like what is happening in your life, you can feel hope again.
———–
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
July 14, 2009
Split Decisions
When you have dissociative identity disorder (DID/MPD), and you’re thinking as a multiple personality — thus having a multitude of different thoughts at once time — it can be very difficult to make decisions.
How do survivors with DID ever make up their minds?
How do survivors with DID decide whose opinion to follow?
How do survivors with DID ever decide what is best for them?
How do survivors with DID sort out having a dozen different opinions at once?
It is complicated to think like a multiple.
There are gaps of missing time, non-sequential pieces of information, jumbled feelings and emotions, snippets of conflicting facts, confusion, voices from the past, fears of more punishment, flashbacks, internal arguing, programmed thoughts, insistent introjects, personal insecurities, etc. The chaotic internal workings of a dissociative trauma survivor can make it very difficult to think clearly.
Non-dissociative “singletons” (people who do not have multiple personality disorder) can experience simultaneous mixed feelings, opposing thoughts and conflicting perspectives on specific situations as well. Singletons can write out extensive lists of “pros vs. cons” on any number of situations. Non-dissociative singletons do not experience just one thought or one feeling at a time either. They see the big conflicting picture all at once.
So what makes decision making even more difficult for survivors with DID?
All too often, dissociative trauma survivors functioned through the difficult times of their life by separating their thoughts and feelings into individual compartments and using dissociative, amnesiac walls to keep these compartments separated. Having mixed emotions and conflicting beliefs at the same time was often too much to manage in the middle of a traumatic event. Dissociative survivors learned to split the different feelings and the different perspectives into different parts of themselves, blocking one perspective away from the other. It is easier to separate and contain overwhelming conflicting emotions when the two opposing emotions did not have to directly collide with each other.
For example, all children love their parents. But if a young girl has a father who is sexually abusing her, and a mother that is either pretending not to see that or is helping the father to abuse her, then huge conflicting emotions are going to occur. The child will want to please her parents, even in this painful abusive situation. But in order to do that, the child will have to find ways to separate her experience of the parents she loves from the parents who are hurting her. Dissociating the conflicts into separate parts help this to happen.
- The child can split off a part of herself that is willing to obey her father even to the point of acting like a passive or promiscuous young child that appears to want to be sexual with the father.
- She can split off a part of her that feels the physical pain and injury of the assault.
- She can split off a part of her that contains the intense betrayal by the mother.
- She can split off a part that holds the emotional pain, deep wounding, and heartbreak of the assault.
- She can split off a part that holds the anger and rage at having been assaulted by both of her parents.
- She can split off a part that holds the fear of being violently assaulted by her parents again and again.
- She can split off a part that is the happy little girl who goes to school the next day, blocking out all the pain, acting very connected to her parents, not showing any sign of having been through a horrendous assault the night before.
The person as a whole sees the situation as a whole. But if a dissociative trauma survivor has separated the different feelings and perspectives and kept that information separated locked and blocked behind various dissociative walls, then the survivor is aware of only some of the information at any given point in time. She is not aware of the whole picture, because she has it dissociated parts of it away from herself.
Dissociative people are accustomed to separating the intense conflicting emotions and managing only one or two at a time. This might help in the short-run, but it does not help in the long-run.
So how do dissociative trauma survivors make good decisions if they are used to looking at situations from the constraints of one limited perspective at a time? What happens when they cannot see the situation as a whole? How can they make a good decision if they cannot put the entire picture together at the same time?
This is a common problem for survivors with DID. The part of them that sees and recognizes the dangers cannot always communicate with the happy naïve part who is determined to believe she is safe and unharmed. The ones that believe they are out of harm’s way (and who wouldn’t want to hold tight to that belief?) refuse to connect with the fear, anger, pain of the trauma (because who would want to feel that?!)
The problem is that by not seeing the whole picture at one time, dissociative trauma survivors find themselves tangled into a variety of dangerous situations. For example, they can bond to dangerous people without recognizing the danger. They see only as much as the current perspective allows them to see, and they don’t even realize that there is trouble looming in the near future. By dissociating the perceptions and experiences that might better recognize the danger, dissociative survivors can put themselves in high-risk situations over and over and over again.
Building the strength, the courage, and the willingness to talk to all the other internal parts in your system is key to getting past the dissociative walls and being able to make decisions from a more complete perspective. Face your difficult emotions, confront the truth of your trauma, listen to all of your inner selves, and recognize that other internal parts have valid information. No one can make a good decision based on partial information. Be willing to look at the whole picture.
As you learn to trust your internal parts to give you the rest of the story, you will be less vulnerable to people who aggressively or suggestively tell you what to think. The more you can trust yourself, the less vulnerable you are to people who would manipulate your thinking by maneuvering behind your dissociative walls. Predators and perpetrators will have less ammunition to use against you when you can trust your own selves. They will not be able to abuse you as much if you are aware that it is happening. The less you dissociate time and information, the more you can appropriately handle life’s current day conflicts.
If you truly know the whole story of what happens in your life, both in the past and in the present, then you are less vulnerable to feeling or thinking or believing something just because someone else more aggressive tells you that you do. You can learn to connect to and trust in your own thoughts or feelings or beliefs, and to make your own assessment of a situation based on that.
Look at the whole picture and think for yourself.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
March 19, 2009
What do you think about Suicide?
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Suicide is a difficult topic.
All too many trauma survivors feel drawn to it.
Mental health professionals fight against it.
Insurance companies dismiss it.
Religions disagree about it.
The world out there doesn’t know how to interpret it. The world does not know how to talk about it. It’s controversial and complex. There are no simple answers.
Who’s to blame for it? The individual? The parents? The treating physicians? The perpetrators that caused the initial pain? The spouse or other family members?
And do we have to have someone to blame?
When you think about suicide, do you think that it is…
- A last resort?
- Abusive?
- Ambivalent?
- An avoidance?
- Comforting?
- Controlled?
- Depressing?
- Destructive?
- Devastating?
- Discouraging?
- Disrespectful?
- Good?
- Heartbreaking?
- Horrifying?
- Isolating?
- Lonely?
- Manipulative?
- Overwhelming?
- Painful?
- Peaceful?
- Punishing?
- Relieving?
- Reluctant?
- Right?
- Scary?
- Selfish?
- Someone’s right to choose?
- Stupid?
- Tragic?
- Upsetting?
- Wrong?
- An option?
- Never an option?
- A compulsion?
- Something outside of your control?
- Your destiny?
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If you have ever truly cared for someone who has committed suicide, your life will be forever changed.
I am convinced that one of the absolutely most painful and devastating traumatic heartbreaks is to have a loved one commit suicide. The surviving friends and family members are left with questions that will forever remain unanswered. Children whose parents commit suicide are forever scarred, and parents whose children commit suicide are forever in gut-wrenching pain.
If you are suicidal, please get help immediately.
Your life matters more than you realize.
There is hope for you.
There is help for you.
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———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
December 5, 2008
Why do I work as a trauma therapist?
Why do I work as a trauma therapist?
I’ve been told it would be soooo much easier and less stressful and probably more lucrative to sell shoes.
However, I have devotedly worked with trauma survivors and their loved ones for over 20 years.
During this time, I have come to appreciate the depth of pain, the atrocious injuries, the years of dysfunction, the heartbreaking losses, and the overwhelming grief caused solely from severe childhood abuse. I have seen the sweet faces of abused children – they are so tiny and innocent, yet their torture has been incomprehensible. I have heard the heart-wrenching cries of mothers whose children were stolen – theirs is a nightmare of deception by perpetrators. And this purposeful destruction of children – it leads to a sorrow beyond words.
My utmost admiration goes to the ones who have fought against these evils on the very front line. Because of your courage to defy the most vicious cruelties of this world, I dare to join you and participate in the fight against the destruction of our children. I will continue to support and encourage such brave souls who have chosen to tell about the hidden atrocities. I absolutely admire those that refuse to continue years of destruction onto the next generation of children.
Deliberate crimes of abuse must be stopped. Innocent lives are being destroyed. The cost to individuals, to families, and to society is just too huge to ignore. This war is ugly. It is even dangerous. Fighting against child abuse can leave some people beaten to death. Nonetheless, it is not in vain. I have seen many tiny sparks of tortured lives grow and blossom even from that most horrid starting place.
Yes, I have seen people move past that horrible, traumatized dying place. I have seen their flickers of life and joy flourish to become a daily reality. I have seen the most tattered souls offer beautiful bits of comfort to the shattered soul sitting beside them. I have heard poetry and heart-filled music that makes a roomful of everyone burst into smiles. I have seen sparkling eyes and bouncy steps as children run in play-filled laughter. I have seen healing evolve even after everyone else had given up.
The journey required to heal from childhood trauma is tangled, incredible, painful, exciting, torturous, exhilarating, exhausting, and rewarding. My hat goes out to anyone that chooses to heal from their trauma, and to anyone who chooses to stand supportively beside a trauma survivor. For all of these heroes, the healing journey is beyond difficult. It is grueling and agonizing. Healing consumes enormous amounts of energy, time, and resources. It seems to take as much strength to survive the healing process as it did to survive the original abuse itself.
Yet these survivors, these amazing people, continually demonstrate an insatiable need to find healing, comfort, freedom, truth, and peace. Their need is so strong and so compelling, that these brave souls seem required to travel this road, whether they quickly reach their goals or not. I wonder: How have they survived the sheer ugliness of the torture and kept such precious beauty in themselves? Every single time a trauma survivor brings laughter and joy to my day, I am reminded of the strength and the pure resilience of life. I feel love in a world full of hatred. I am reminded how I believe that good can prevail. I am reminded that there is hope. I see their healing, their comfort, their freedom, their truth, and their peace. Yes, trauma survivors are truly amazing people.
And, their road is long – very long. It’s often a lonely road, as most of the others in the world can’t seem to tolerate the intensity, the pain, or the confusion for very many days. Step by step, day after day, I encourage and support each and every one of you survivors out there to stay on your journey to a safe and meaningful life. The road does lead to healing. There is comfort. There is freedom. There is truth, and there is peace. Your pieces may still be scattered everywhere, but your life’s puzzles can be solved on your journey. Stick with it. Life really can be beautiful. It can be worth it.
Thank you for coming to this blog. Thank you for reading and learning about sexual abuse, a most devastating and criminal global issue. Please feel free to browse around my various websites as much as you like, and if you are kind, you are welcome to come back often.
And maybe we can work together to diminish the effects of child abuse.
I stand for the children.
Do you?
__________
by:
Kathy Broady, LCSW
