May 16, 2012

A Painful Mother’s Day – the Cards Not Written

Posted in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:33 am by Kathy Broady


Last week, I couldn’t find the words to write about the struggles that so many dissociative survivors have on Mother’s Day.

In response to that, a dissociative survivor emailed me, and has given me permission to post their thoughts about the painful side of Mother’s Day.

Maybe you will relate to these difficult thoughts and painful feelings.

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Every year on Mother’s Day we as a society get inundated with movies about mothers, sappy Hallmark card Mother’s Day commercials, endless rounds of advertisements on ways you can show your mother that you love her by buying her something.  On Mother’s Day many churches do tributes to moms – handing out charm bracelets, giving out flowers, and preaching sermons about how families are wonderful things to have and how you need to be so thankful to your mother for raising you and putting up with you.  Mothers are celebrated as though motherhood is the be all and end all of existence.  It’s required that you show appreciate to your mom, grow up to be a fantastic mother, or show tribute to all the mother figures in your life.

But what if Mother’s Day is just full of pain?

What if just the thought of your own mom brings on fear and anxiety, or what if you have lost a child, or what if you are unable to have children, or what if you don’t even want children of your own?  What if while reading praises about other people’s lovely mothers just brings you to tears filled with jealousy or an aching in your heart?  Or what if thinking about your own mom doesn’t conjured up love, but perhaps obligation or hate or even terror?

This is side to Mother’s Day that just doesn’t get discussed very often.

If you’re blessed to have a good mother, that’s wonderful.  But not everyone wants to hear about it – especially on Mother’s Day.  The day brings up too many intense feelings, especially if you want to be a mom but cannot be, or your mother hurt you, or your mom has died.

There are mothers out there for whom you can’t find just the right Hallmark card.  “Thank you for being such a precious mom who I am so grateful for” just doesn’t cut it.  How about cards that say “You were never there for me.”  Or how about “Thanks for never stopping dad / your boyfriend / your brother from molesting me in the bedroom next to yours.”  Or what about “I know you never even wanted me.” Or perhaps, “I never even knew you.”  Instead of thankfulness and love and gratitude, there should be cards that express fear, anger, stress, and hurt.

Instead of spending Mother’s Day taking your mom out to dinner and to the spa, some people spend it curled up on the couch, just trying to survive the day.  Some spend the day trying to cope with flashbacks; giving into painful behaviors such as cutting or over-eating; feeling lost and very, very alone.  Some people spend the day aching over the grief for children they can’t have, for the mom they always wanted but don’t feel like they deserved.

What if Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for you?

What do you do then while it seems that everyone else in the world is celebrating?

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Ouch.

Well said.  That is exactly the kind of emotional pain I was thinking about, but said so much better by this trauma survivor.  Their pain is palpable.

How do you relate to these words?

How would you answer these difficult questions?

How difficult was your Mother’s Day?

And what ideas do you have for Mother’s Day cards that haven’t yet been written?

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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

July 12, 2010

A Real Unicorn?!!

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:21 am by Kathy Broady


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This article is written for the child parts of the DID survivors that read this blog.

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Hey Kids, did you see the news yesterday?  Hmmmm…. probably not, because most kids don’t watch the news.  And because of that, I wanted to make sure to let you know about something I saw in the news that might interest you.

Look!  Look!   They found something that looks like a real unicorn!!

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The Unicorn Found in Italy

 

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If you look here, you will find the video that talks more about it, and shows more pictures of it walking around in its natural forest home.  This little unicorn guy was found in Italy, and I think he is being protected and tended to very carefully.  That’s good, because there aren’t very many unicorns in the world!  :)

What do you think it is?
Is it a real unicorn?
Is it a deericorn?
Maybe it’s a unideer. :)

Whatever it is, it is very cool!!!

Do you ever think about unicorns?
Do you have coloring books with unicorns in them?
What would you do if you saw a real unicorn?

And if you don’t like unicorns, what is your favorite animal?

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Now I realize this little deer only looks like a unicorn, but so many kid parts talk about like unicorns that I just had to share it for everyone to see.

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And for the older parts of the dissociative systems, it really is ok to let your child parts experience some of the positive wonders of the world.  It is ok to let your child parts play, and to let them enjoy experiences.  Simple pleasures like chocolate shakes, or yo-yo’s, or puzzle games, or teddy bears, or soccer balls can go a long ways in connecting with your child parts.

If you have dissociative identity disorder (DID / MPD), your childhood was most likely interrupted by too much pain, grief, loss, trauma, betrayal, neglect, and hurt.  As a child, your play times would have been few and far between, and you would have often felt too sad or hurt to play.  Dissociative skills, dissociative walls, and dissociative amnesia could have separated some of the effects of the trauma from your awareness, but in all the years I have been working with multiples, I have never yet had any dissociative survivor tell me that she or he had lots of fun and play times as a child.

This is a very sad statement because having carefree playtime is a normal childhood need.  It is actually important to proper growth and development.  To miss out on playtime as a child means to have unmet needs.

To help meet some of those unmet needs, it is ok, and even therapeutically important to let your child parts have fun.  Let them play.  Let them enjoy some carefree activities.  Let them learn how to have good times.

Even if you are an adult, it is not too late to let your kids have fun.  Play is a normal part of growing up, and if this was stolen from you, letting your child parts play in the current day will help with your overall healing and sense of well being.

Giving your child parts the chance to play in the here and now is a corrective emotional experience for them.  Corrective emotional experiences are experiences in the current day that help to correct the wrongs and fill the voids that were left after a childhood full of trauma and neglect.  Corrective emotional experiences allow for healing, growth, and positive movement.

So go find a unicorn!
Go to a baseball game!
Watch a few cartoons!
Draw in your coloring books!

:) :) :) :) :)

Play, have fun, and enjoy life for awhile!
Your whole system will feel better for it.

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

March 8, 2010

Picturing the Healing Process for Dissociative Identity Disorder

Posted in Artwork, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:38 pm by Kathy Broady


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This set of picture-postcards demonstrates a passage through time for a trauma survivor with dissociative identity disorder (DID / MPD).

These pictures show different phases of the dissociative healing process, and illustrate how healing occurs.  Notice that they move from a more shattered, painful, chaotic place to a calmer, structured, organized place.  Where there is originally nothing but a fragmented sense of self, there later becomes a clear sense of personal identity.
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Phase One
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The first picture-postcard has a mixture of colored pieces of all different shapes and sizes.  Some pieces are more jagged, some are rounded.  The mosaic nature of this design would automatically lead to many of the same questions as asked about the DID “Self Portrait” picture.  For example, I would ask what the different colors represented, what the different shapes represented, if there was communication (or not) between the different pieces, if the black stitching between the colored blocks had a specific meaning, etc.

For this top picture, there are two specific shapes that I would ask more questions about.  There is a definite triangle that points upward and spreads out down towards the bottom of the picture.  Triangles can have a variety of meanings, and I would like to hear what this DID artist had in mind.  The triangle also has layers to it.  Does this have anything to do with the internal system layering?

For example, in the triangle shape that I see, the top two layers are yellow, followed by a green / blue layer, followed by a black layer, followed by a red layer.  The placement of these colors could be purely metaphorical or accidental, but I could see this layering as representing important system functions and emotions.

A purely hypothetical system description could include the following ideas.  The yellow layers are the happy front parts – the façade layers, the denial parts, the “I’m fine, nothing is wrong here” type of system parts.  The blues and the greens could be parts of the system that know a lot of information, do a lot of the everyday work / functioning jobs of the system, etc. These parts know plenty of the historical trauma information but have to keep helping everyone manage life.  They can feel some emotions, but work hard to not get overwhelmed or overloaded with emotions.  The black layer could be a layer of depression, sadness, grief, anger, or amnesia, dissociated information, deeper internal controls, etc.  The red layer could be more intense amounts of pain, anger, fury, trauma information, details about the abuse, etc.

The second shape that could have particular relevance is the large black shape with the blue tip.  These pieces have an obvious phallic appearance to them.  I would ask the artist if they intended this to be the case (chances are, they hadn’t even noticed that!), and then I would ask them questions pertaining to sexual abuse issues.  If this symbol does specifically represent sexual abuse, it is clear how the abuse has been such a huge part of their lives.  Just like this black piece is, in some ways, the foundational piece of the whole picture, it might feel like the sexual abuse has been the defining issue in this person’s life.

I see a lot of pain in this picture.  The artist does not give the sense of happiness, of calmness peace of mind.  The jagged pointy edges remind me of cutting, and I would be asking a lot of questions about self-injury.

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Phase Two
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There has been clear movement from the first picture to the second.  Notice how the like colors are starting to get grouped closer together, creating a more cohesive look.  There is much more green in this picture, and while the real meaning of that depends on how the artist interprets the colors, to me, it represents a lot of growth.  I see a lot of progress being made in this picture.  The trauma survivor has clearly been working on their healing issues, and they have been doing a lot of dissociative system work.  Things are starting to come together for them.

In phase two, to me, the person is still feeling broken and dissociated, but she is not nearly as overwhelmed with the pain as before.  The blue can seen as representing the teamwork efforts being accomplished by the internal system.  There are still some missing chunks of time (as seen in the gaps of the blue), but the dissociative person is truly building good internal communication and has built solid connections between the internal parts. This dissociative person is starting to find herself, and she is building a sense of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-identity.  As a system, they are definitely doing good work!

There are still several big jagged sharp points, possibly indicating a lot of pain, upset, questions, intense feelings, etc.   The phallic shaped pieces in this picture are more obvious, which could be interpreted to mean that the DID artist is clearly addressing their sexual abuse issues.  This survivor is aware of the sexual abuse issues, and the healing their sexual abuse trauma is the center of their healing work.  While the trauma is still prominent, it is not overwhelming them as much as it used to.  They aren’t finished with their healing, but they are making excellent progress.  There is less black, and more brown, which feels to me like this person is becoming aware of more and more of the information related to their trauma.  They “aren’t in the dark” as much as they used to be and life is feeling much more hopeful.

Even with all the progress, I would still ask this survivor about their suicidal feelings.  The sharp points are very painful, and while the survivor may not be using self-injury behaviors as much, they may still have intense moments of suicidal ideation.  It appears they are building good coping skills, and not in as high risk of following through with these suicidal thoughts, but the feelings are still there from time to time.

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Phase Three
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This third picture represents the final stages of healing from dissociative identity disorder and sexual abuse.  It is hopeful, and shows how everything is coming together for this person.  Notice the strength of the center of the picture. All of the colors connect with the other colors and the ability to share information is accomplished easily.  Time loss, time distortion, memory gaps are not likely to be a problematic issue anymore.

The C appears to represents the host of the system, or the main “front” person, the leader of the system, or who the person wants to be as a whole.  Notice how the front is a whole self, and is clearly and firmly planted in front of any of the others.  This C person is now confident as the leader of her system, and presents well out in the external world.

The internal system behind the C is cooperative, quiet, calm, organized, peaceful, etc.  The ability to work together, and provide information to the front C self, seems abundantly clear.

I would ask this survivor if the colors still represent the same things as they did in the earlier pictures.  The meanings may or may not have changed at this point.

What I see is that the survivor is more aware of all the things she feels.  C doesn’t dissociate like she used to anymore.  For example, if the red still represents her pain or anger, C is aware of having those feelings, and she can acknowledge their existence, sitting with them, without letting them overtake her, or without having to dissociate them away.  C has built the ability to connect with her intense feelings, and this is an incredible accomplishment.   C might have times of dark depression or sadness, for example, but again, these moments do not overtake her ability to live her life as she wants it to be.

Notice that there is no obvious phallic shaped symbol in this picture-postcard.  The trauma issues are resolved in a much more quiet way, and while C knows about her past, the idea of being a sexual abuse survivor doesn’t have to be the center of her life anymore.  She has been able to resolve many of her trauma issues, and lay these to rest, moving on with her life.

The front of the C is facing the yellow and greens, indicating growth, progress, healing, movement, happiness, and enjoying life.  C is moving forward into better times!  The darkness and pain are more behind her  (the black, red and brown are towards the back of the C).  While life is probably never going to be perfect for this person, she is hopeful, and she is doing well.

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The Moral of the Story

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Will C create a fourth picture-postcard?

We’ll have to ask her!

The point of these wonderful hand-made picture postcards is obvious.  The healing process for dissociative identity disorders works.  It helps.  Trauma survivors lives can become better.  Healing does happen.  It takes a lot of work, and a lot of time, but you really can feel better, and have an improved quality of life.

Take the point from C – if she can do it, you can too!

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

December 6, 2009

Compulsive Hoarding and Dissociative Disorders

Posted in Child Alters, Compulsive Hoarding, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, mental health, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:53 pm by Kathy Broady


Compulsive Hoarding is a cluttery mess!!

What makes this happen?

Have you seen homes that look like this?

Does your home look like this?

Compulsive hoarding, or disposophobia, is a psychiatric condition that affects millions of people.

Compulsive hoarding is an obsessive need to acquire and keep possessions, even if these items have little value, are unsanitary, or broken, or unusable.  Numerous items are kept and not discarded.  Instead of using the items already owned, or looking for items that are lost in the piles, new items are acquired repeatedly to the point that the clutter creates significant dysfunction in a variety of areas of the person’s life.

Compulsive hoarding is far more complex than it first appears.  It is connected to a variety of disorganized chaotic behavioral patterns and disorganized thinking patterns.  It typically occurs in combination with other psychiatric issues, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), eating disorders, attention deficit disorders, addiction issues, trauma disorders, attachment disorders, etc.

There appears to be a biological base to this behavior as research is beginning to explore a genetic link to compulsive hoarding in generations of families.  As children, many hoarders were raised by parents who were hoarders, so not only is it a learned behavior, but it could also be  biologically connected. The area of the brain most significantly different for hoarders is the part of the brain that is responsible for focus, attention, and decision-making.  According to research done at the University of Iowa, damage done to the to the right medial prefrontal cortex of the brain tends to cause compulsive hoarding.

Hoarders have a great deal of anxiety when pressured to let go of their possessions.  They typically require external assistance, including professional assistance, to help with the cleaning and organizing tasks.  Feelings of emotional overwhelm, intense anxiety, and panic attacks can be paralyzing for the hoarder.  These increased anxiety symptoms create an inability to make decisions, stir up friction and emotional outbursts, lead to fatigue and exhaustion, and repeatedly interrupt the cleaning process.  Letting the hoarder have control of the cleaning process and allowing time for the harder to build trust with the cleaning crew is particularly important to successful organizational efforts.

The clean-up process is intense and slow.  Forcing a hoarder to clean too quickly will not result in long-term resolution of the problem.  The problem is not just “clean up your house” or “throw this away”.  The problem lies deeper within the person, and the struggles will manifest again in just a short-time.

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How does compulsive hoarding relate to Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Compulsive hoarding is an issue separate from DID / MPD, but many dissociative survivors struggle with hoarding issues.

DID survivors have a variety of issues that overlap with hoarding behaviors: intense anxiety, deep feelings of hopelessness, fear of being out of control, problems with focus and decision-making, attachment issues, loss and grief, depression, the need for memory reminders, disorganized thought processes, disorganized behaviors, etc.

How many trauma survivors do you know that did not have safe people to attach to?  And how many survivors of neglect were left alone, isolated with no one to attach to?  When children spend too much time alone, they tend to attach to items, toys, books, stuffies, etc.  Attaching to stuff is better than attaching to nothing.  It is an adaptive behavior in a painfully difficult environment.  However, when this continues over time, the potential for these behaviors to develop into a compulsive hoarding situation increases.

The emotional pain from not having deep personal relationships or the fear of being near people can add to the need to connect with physical possessions or animals instead of people.  Building a personal relationship with stuff, and with animals can add to a compulsive hoarding situation.  Attaching to stuff can feel much safer than attaching to people.

With all the switching and amnesia that can happen with dissociative identity disorder, DID survivors can experience a lot of chaotic thinking and chaotic behaviors.  It can be difficult to complete a task – you can be there, and then suddenly find yourself somewhere else five hours later, having never finished the task you started in the first place.  These kinds of disorganized behaviors can leave unattended messes and growing clutter all around your house.  Do your child parts pick up the messes they leave behind?  Do your teenage parts pick up their clothes?  Did anyone remember to finish the dishes?  What about the mess those angry parts made?  Who wants to clean that up?

The “I didn’t do that, so I’m not cleaning that up” concept can get very difficult for dissociative survivors.  You might not know who made the mess in the first place, or the part that did it might not be around anymore, you might not know how to call them back, etc.  You might not know who to assign to completing basic household chores.  Developing system work and system cooperation can help, but in the meantime, there can be a lot of “that’s not mine” / “I’m not doing that” arguments.  Clutter and external disorganization can build while you are sorting out these internal system issues.

How many dissociative survivors have trouble remembering if they have something?  Do you own one of those things?  Did you buy that, or just think about buying that?  Or was that last year?  Do you still have that?  Or was that way back then?  Where did you live when you had that? Or if you know you have it, do you know where it is?

Sometimes it is easier to buy the item again than find it or remember if you have it.  While this can be a dissociative symptom, this also contributes to the “Shop and Drop” behaviors found in compulsive hoarding.   Shop and Drop refers to a pattern of behavior where the compulsive shopper drops their packages and purchases in some unspecified place.  Over time, the packages and purchases get lost in the piles of other clutter, and then when it is time to use the items that were purchased, the location of the dropped items cannot be found.  It becomes easier to buy those items again, instead of finding the ones you had.

There is also the complication of accumulation by repetition. Compulsive hoarders will acquire and stash away numerous items that are basically the same.  What if you buy everyone in your DID system a stuffie?  How many stuffies will that be?  What if everyone wants their own books?   And of course, many of the different insiders will have their own shirts, their own pants, their own shoes, their own socks, etc.  While it is extremely important that the insiders have their own things, the sheer volume of each of the parts keeping their own stuff can add to the size of an ever-growing clutter problem.

The same as with compulsive hoarding, things / possessions / items can represent memories.  For DID survivors, memory is a very complicated subject.  Having items that trigger memories, or remind you of certain things can be a significant part of a growing clutter issue.  Loss and grief are hard emotions to process, and holding on tightly to the items that help you to remember certain people or events can be significant.  It is particularly difficult to let go of an item that has emotional significance to you, especially if it feels like you won’t remember someone or something if you don’t have those correlating things.

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Here are a few ideas for addressing compulsive hoarding issues:

  • Decide your current life goals, and keep only items that match with those life goals
  • Explore the various meanings that possessions have for you
  • Consider appropriate medications for anxiety, OCD, depression, etc.
  • Work hard in therapy to address your emotional pain and other emotional issues
  • For DID survivors, work hard on developing better internal communication and cooperation so clutter issues can be prevented or addressed
  • Address your fears of letting go, or letting go of control – what is that about for you?
  • Be honest with yourself about what you really need, what you will really use, what actually works, what you can actually fit into, etc.  Challenge delusional thinking.
  • Get professional help if necessary, especially if clutter is affecting your life
  • Consider taking pictures of emotionally important but logically unnecessary items.  Photo albums can be less cluttering than keeping all the actual items.
  • Donate your excess to those less fortunate than you.
  • Consider new rules to live by:  If you get something new, get rid of something old.
  • Address your deep feelings of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, fear, sadness, etc.
  • Work on building deeper and longer-lasting attachments instead of repeatedly discarding and replacing things (but keeping it just over there in case you want it again)
  • Work on building meaningful attachments to people, learning to trust, and finding ways to connect
  • Find healthy, meaningful ways to fill the voids in your life by doing more, and keeping less

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———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

November 10, 2009

When You Suddenly Lose Your Therapist

Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, Self Injury, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:11 pm by Kathy Broady


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Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.

There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.

In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist.  When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.

DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders.  It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.

When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.

But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?

What if you lose your therapist due to

  • An automobile wreck
  • An assault of some kind
  • An illness of some version
  • An unexpected pregnancy issue
  • A family member of the therapist is ill
  • An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
  • An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
  • The family of your therapist has required a move to another location

In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time.  The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.

But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:

  • Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
  • Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
  • Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
  • Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
  • Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
  • Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
  • Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID

What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?

What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?

In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss.  The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.

The DID survivor tends to:
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  • Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
  • Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
  • Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
  • Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
  • Cry, cry, and cry
  • Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
  • Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
  • Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
  • Feel suicidal
  • Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
  • Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
  • Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
  • Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
  • Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
  • Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
  • Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
  • Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
  • Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
  • Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
  • Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
  • Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
  • Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
  • Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
  • Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
  • Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time

The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so.  In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.

Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.

I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!

They are not helpful.

They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.

If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible.  The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view.  Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.

———-
By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

July 19, 2009

Life-Changing Heartbreak

Posted in Depression, emotional pain, sexual abuse, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:17 pm by Kathy Broady


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Something about heartbreak totally changes a person.

Repeated heartbreak.

Changes your life.

I’m not sure I can put words to it yet, but I know it happens.

Depression.
Sadness.
Loss. Grief.
Pain.

It consumes your thoughts, your mind, your time.

What hurts the most?  Abandonment?  Abuse?  Neglect?  Betrayal?   Dishonesty?   Physical pain?   Sexual trauma?   Aloneness?

I suppose there is no way to say what hurts the most.  It’s probably different for different people anyway.

When there is heartbreak, the heart breaks.

The sadness lingers.

You breathe it in with every breath.  It’s all around you at all times.

It sits with you.  Next to you.  Beside you.  On you.  Behind you.  In you.

The heart hurts.

You can feel it.  It’s a physical pain.  It’s an emotional pain.

Sad, slow music can express it oh so very well.

It’s just hard to find the words.

Sometimes heartbreak cannot be soothed.  There are no words to comfort or reach or soften the depth of the break.

Sometimes sitting with is helpful.

Sometimes aloneness is all that can be tolerated.

Sometimes someone else’s heart can hear the heartbreak, even without the words.

It’s in the emotion.  Or in the feeling of the person.
Or in the feeling around the person.

Real heartbreak is palpable.

Anyone listening or paying attention can see it, and feel it, and sense it – if they will.

Most don’t.

Maybe that’s why heartbreak changes life.

It creates profound crossroads in a person’s life.

The road chosen changes after heartbreak.

Life changes after heartbreak.

It’s never the same.

The heart breaks.

Profoundly.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

July 12, 2009

Cats and Dogs and Trauma Survivors

Posted in Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, mental health, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:05 pm by Kathy Broady


Pets are very important to trauma survivors for a variety of reasons:

A place to express love, affection, and tenderness

Many abuse survivors have difficulties with attachment issues due their extensive histories of trauma, abuse, and neglect.  Because people were the perpetrators, trauma survivors frequently find it difficult and complicated to express caring and affection to other people.  And yet, many survivors can still feel loving connections, and they have the desire to appropriately express that.  Animals and pets feel safer for bonding than people, and because of that added safety, animals can become the positive target audience for the survivor’s feelings of love, affection, and tenderness.  Sometimes it just feels good to be able to hug a cat!

An acceptable substitution for maternal instincts

Many trauma survivors do not have children, or are not with their children, or do not want to have children, or cannot have children, are not ready for children, etc.  However, being away from children does not eliminate maternal feelings and maternal instincts (or paternal feelings and paternal instincts).  Many survivors purposefully choose to have a variety of pets and animals as an appropriate substitution for children.  Some survivors will purposefully get pets to learn how to nurture and care for others prior to having children.  If you can’t manage taking care of animals, you won’t be able to tend properly to children.

An exercise companion

Trauma survivors, like any other group in the population, have difficulties getting proper exercise.   Plus, having significantly increased levels of depression, fatigue, social anxiety, fears, phobias, obesity, body image issues, etc. can make it even more difficult for trauma survivors to exercise.  Having a dog to walk or a horse to ride can make exercising less stressful, less scary, and much more fun.

Assistance with safety and security

Some pets can provide safety in the obvious ways, such as trained dogs helping to guard the home.  For trauma survivors who frequently live in chronic fear of abusers, the assistance of a guard dog can be very comforting.  In addition, animals can help to provide a sense of daily grounding from internal fears, dreams, flashbacks, etc.  If the cats are still sleeping peacefully, the confused survivor can be more assured that the emotional disturbance was internal, not external.  Feeling safe and secure is fundamentally important for trauma survivors, and pets can play a monumental role on this level.

Assistance with social situations

Social service dogs and horses are trained companions for social situations with anxious trauma survivors.  These animals are excellent assistants, and have been found very helpful for many people.  The service animal helps the survivor to have the confidence needed to venture out into the world and not be excessively housebound.  Regular pets can serve that same function on a smaller scope, even if these uncertified pets are not qualified to go into stores, in public buildings, on planes, etc.

Being out in the world with a cute puppy provides:

  • an immediate distraction and interest for other people (putting the focus more on the puppy than the survivor)
  • a comfortable starting place for conversation (many people will ask about the puppy first)
  • a physical barrier between the survivor and other people, creating more physical distance and a greater sense of emotional safety (when the puppy stands or sits in front of the survivor)
  • a valid, less questioned excuse for the survivor to leave uncomfortable social situations (ie: stating the puppy needs to go outside now).


Companionship, friendship, someone to talk to

Many trauma survivors live alone, or feel very alone even when they live amongst others.  Most dissociative survivors have an extensive history of strained or unhealthy or abusive social relationships.  Making and keeping friends is not easy, especially for survivors with issues such as borderline personality disorder and chronic self-injury issues.  Having their own pet provides that special someone they can talk to, even if it is difficult to talk to people.  Dogs and cats can be the very best friends, and their companionship is invaluable.  They help survivors to not feel alone, and to not be alone.  How can survivors feel alone when a puppy follows them all around the house, from room to room to room?

Entertainment and Humor

Laughter is the best medicine, and most pets provide a variety of humorous situations to lighten even the darkest of moods.  Who can resist smiling and laughing at the antics of an energetic kitten rolling around tangled up in string or a puppy flopping around after a bouncy ball?  Pets very much have their own personality – the more survivors enjoy the liveliness of their pets, the better.  Smiles and spontaneous laughter adds to the quality of life for anyone.

Learning how to bond, connect, attach

Dissociative trauma survivors with severe abuse histories often find it extremely difficult to attach to other people.  In survivors’ experiences, most people have been abusive, neglectful, or uninterested in them.  Trauma makes it very hard to bond, and many DID survivors did not bond with anyone for years of their life.  Or sometimes, the only bond felt is a damaging trauma bond with a perpetrator.  Having a pet can be the first experience in positive unconditional bonding with a loved one.  Experiencing affection and warm connection from a pet can have great meaning to an isolated, lonely trauma survivor.

Learning how to take care of someone outside of themselves

Some trauma survivors have experienced such damage from their abusive, neglectful childhood upbringing that they genuinely lack the skills in tending to others.  Especially in homes where neglect was prominent, basic living skills would have been overlooked.  Having a pet can be the first experience in learning how to tend to the needs of the self and others.  Also, for survivors that are excessively self-involved and self-absorbed, having a pet can teach them to look beyond their own needs.

Provide a variety of medical benefits

Research has shown that pets have a positive impact on medical health, mental health, and reducing stress.  Pets help to lower cholesterol and triglycerides, reduce blood pressure, increase life expectancy after heart attacks, reduce the need for prescription medications, reduce the number of medical appointments, etc.  Pets can be trained to help with seizures, help with Parkinson’s Disease, diagnose cancer, and watch for low blood sugar.  People with pets have improved health!

Help with depression and low self-esteem

Pets help to fight depression and low self-esteem.  Pets help survivors to feel important and to be recognized as valuable, worthy people.  Walking in the door to a pet that is really genuinely happy to see you makes for a corrective emotional experience for many trauma survivors who have felt ignored, unimportant, unnoticed, unworthy, etc.

Provide joy and happiness

Chronic emotional pain is intense for dissociative trauma survivors.  Heartbreak, anguish, grief, profound sadness, and emptiness are frequent feelings.  Pets can bring a sense of joy and happiness into the survivor’s life, helping to lift depression, and actually letting the survivors experience moments of joy and happiness.

To feel loved, accepted, cared for

All too many trauma survivors have grown up feeling unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unappreciated, etc.  This leaves a hole in the heart that just doesn’t go away.  Pets help survivors to have the emotional experience of being loved and unconditionally cared for.  Pets don’t leave just because their survivors are down, depressed, messy, messing up, or dysfunctional.  Pets stay loyal to their survivors, and continue to express long-term, loving devotion even through difficult times when people are not be willing to be there.

To feel understood

Pets can listen with their hearts.  They can read the emotional state of their survivors with an uncanny ability.  They know when their survivors are hurting, or angry, or afraid.  Pets can respond in natural ways to these emotions, and provide a level of understanding that doesn’t require words.  Pets can tell when dissociative trauma survivors switch from one part to the other.  There are many reasons why they say “dogs are man’s best friend”.

Pets are wonderful.
I hope you enjoy yours as much as I enjoy mine.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

June 25, 2009

When a Perpetrator Dies….

Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:26 pm by Kathy Broady


Did you experience the social earthquake today?

The sudden death of Michael Jackson today has caught everyone by surprise.

Will he be more remembered as the King of Pop?  Or will he be forever remembered as a suspected child molester?

Everyone will have strong views about it, I’m sure.  I can’t even begin to imagine all the controversies that are going to be brought back to the surface.

The death of a famous celebrity icon affects so many people.  Early unexpected deaths of the rich and famous create a public stir for months and years to come.  Everyone talks about it.  Even twitter was overloaded with the breaking news. Anyone that sang and danced along with some of his songs will feel the loss.  Every choreographer will feel a sting and sadness.  We’ll see new books, new articles, new blog posts.  His face will be on magazine covers and newspaper headlines and in every version of media that we have.

In fact, it’s already on the news, online, in twitter, in chatrooms, on the radio, on television, in blogs – the news is everywhere!  Everyone is talking about it, and everyone is asking everyone else if they have heard about it.

Even Farrah Fawcett’s death today will be overshadowed by the controversial Jackson’s death.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of people will feel the reverberations of the news.  It’s like a social earthquake.

While maybe not as public or as clearly visible, the death of a perpetrator can wreak havoc on a survivor’s life, also for days and months and years to come.  For trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder, all the different parts within the internal system will feel the news with just as much shock.

Sometimes, abuse victims feel safer talking and telling about their trauma after their perpetrator dies.  I don’t know if or how that will apply to the children near the Michael Jackson situation, but it is very common with other survivors of sexual abuse.

When survivors feel intimidated by, scared of, threatened by their perpetrators, it is not unusual for those survivors to keep the secrets of their abuse tucked inside them until after their perpetrators pass away.

Survivors may do this purposefully, or their dissociative walls may simply have been strong enough to hold all that information back even without the survivor’s awareness.

Survivors with DID systems will often feel all kinds of internal changes taking place with the death of a major perpetrator.  There will be all kinds of internal movement, and shifting.  There will be an internal earthquake.

How do survivors with dissociative identity disorder experience this earthquake?

A.  Noticeable Decrease in Dissociation
Deaths of perpetrators can make dissociative walls crumble, emphasizing the point that those dissociative walls were there for safety and survival reasons in the first place.

When there is less likelihood of ongoing abuse, the need for dissociative walls is decreased significantly.  When the walls come down, the now-unblocked information reconnects back to the parts that initially dissociated it away.  Different parts of the system will be learning all kinds of new information, and experiencing new feelings.

B.   Memories of abuse, incident after incident, can come crashing through.  PTSD flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms will increase.

Why does this happen?

After the fear of dealing with their perpetrator in current day life subsides, and once the survivor feels safer, all kinds of memories can come flooding back.  Child parts or even older parts with trauma memories will come to the surface, each wanting, hoping for, needing time to talk about what happened to them.  The host of the system may feel overwhelmed by the sudden need of so many trauma-holding parts to have time to talk, and needing time to heal.  The pain attached to these parts will be intense.

C.  Increased Activity by Internal Introjects
Internal introjects may be kicked into greater action, feeling the need to replace the external perpetrator by taking a more vigorous role in the daily life of the dissociative survivor.  Some internal introjects were taught and trained to respond when the external perpetrator was no longer visible.  The internal perpetrator introject will try to carry on in the same manner, just to keep the status quo.

D.  The Emergence of New Alter Personalities
New alters may finally feel brave enough to step forward and speak about their life story, including trauma memories.  They may not have felt comfortable appearing until the perpetrator was dead and gone.

E. Increased Denial
While some parts may be happy and thrilled about the death of the perpetrator, other parts will fight that reality with all their being.  These parts with an attachment to the perpetrator will need time to explore and process their feelings, and to explain why they were so connected to the perpetrators.  Oftentimes, these are the parts that were treated kindly, and any abuse would have been framed in a more positive connotation.  These parts simply will not want to accept or believe that the external perpetrator is dead.  They will see the internal introject of the perpetrator and transfer much of their loyalty to this part.

F. Increased Pull for Self-Harm and Suicidal Activity
Many survivors will react to the death of a perpetrator with increased self-harm or suicidal activity.  The self-harm could be a physical effort of shoving back all the memories and feelings, to regain control.  It could also be an acting out of the trauma memories they are experiencing.  Sometimes survivors feel pulled to commit suicide from the need to be with their dead perpetrator.  When a survivor is experiencing these symptoms, it is imperative to work through the historical causes and beliefs that are supporting such extreme behaviors.

G. Emotional Relief
While experiencing safety from ongoing abuse of this perpetrator, the healthiest goal is for survivors to feel their sadness, their pain, their fear, their anger, etc.  So many feelings get contained away, but once it becomes ok to feel, there is a big release when those feelings can surface.  When survivors can truly allow themselves to address their fear, their anger, and grieve the loss of their perpetrator, they will be much further down the road in their emotional recovery.

All these internal events certainly cause emotional earthquakes in the lives of dissociative trauma survivors.  All of these issues can be addressed effectively in therapy, and many of these issues can be avoided by preparing ahead of time.

If you haven’t worked on breaking the bonds with your perpetrators until after they die, you will have a harder time after their death.  If you have worked on these issues ahead of time, the emotional earthquake won’t be as devastating.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

May 15, 2009

One Mother’s Heart…

Posted in Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , at 5:39 pm by Kathy Broady


This week I helped my son move into his own place.

It was a lot of work.  There were boxes upon boxes to haul, big pieces of furniture to carry, bags of fresh groceries to buy, cabinets to stock.

My son, a big ol’ tall galloot of a guy, was thrilled with the idea of having his own place, and I’ll admit, he did a great job in looking around to find a really good location that works just right for him.  It’s a beautiful property, with great landscaping, lots of privacy, good neighbors, and plenty of room for that big ol’ dog to go too.

My son has been preparing for this week for a long time now.  He was eager to get out on his own, and couldn’t be more proud of himself.

I’m very happy for him.  He really did well picking a great place.  He’s determined to “man up” to the job of having his very own place, all to himself.

And that’s good, very good.  He’s the right age to be doing so, he’s got a good job, he’ll be completing his education at an excellent university.  Living out on his own is exactly what he should be doing right now.

I’ll just miss him.

A lot.

A lot, and a lot, and a lot.

He’s very precious to me.  He always has been, and always will be.

It’s times like these… when it’s hard to speak out loud because of that lump in my throat — when all I can feel is that deep heart-connection I have with my son and my grief at his moving on — that makes it so incredibly unfathomable for me to actually understand how any mother can be so emotionally removed from her children that she hands them over to be hurt.  I’m not referring to the mothers whose children get hurt when the mother isn’t able to prevent that from happening.  I’m speaking about the mothers who are capable of preventing the abuse, and just don’t. They let it happen.  They make it happen.

How do they do that?

How can they be ok with the fact that their children are hurting?

How can they be ok with the idea of hurting their own children?

When it comes right down to it, these abuser-mothers are a mystery to me.  I can understand some “head knowledge”, and I can give you some intellectual explanations, yada, yada, yada.

But do I emotionally understand it?

Nope.  Not for one second.

My heart does not understand the heartlessness of mother-perpetrators.  My heart absolutely does not understand that.

Who are these women?
What keeps those mothers from attaching to their children?
What prevents them from bonding to them?
How can they not have a pull in their hearts when their children are hurting?

I just don’t get it.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

April 13, 2009

HBO’s “In Treatment” – Is That What Therapy is Like?

Posted in Dissociative Identity Disorder tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:51 am by Kathy Broady


How many of you have been watching the award-winning HBO Series, “In Treatment” with Gabriel Byrne, Dianne Wiest, and John Mahoney?  This HBO series is currently near the beginning of its second season, centered around how Dr. Paul Weston (Byrne) conducts therapy sessions with four different clients, and then his own individual therapy process with his own therapist, Dr. Gina Toll (Wiest).

In my opinion, the “In Treatment” series is more accurate about the layered complications of the therapy process than the brief bits of therapy shown in Showtime’s “United States of Tara”.  The snippets shown of Tara’s therapy were with an overwhelmed, under-trained, uneducated wimp of a therapist.  I suppose it is true that all too many therapists are overwhelmed and unprepared to deal with the healing process for trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Hopefully a referral to a more specialized trauma therapist in season two of Tara will lead to deeper, more meaningful presentations of her therapy process.

With the “In Treatment” series, the clients present with relateable issues, and the therapists become real people – likeable, emotional, genuine, flaws and all.

“In Treatment” shows how therapy is different from person to person.  While staying the same, the room “changes” and feels different and unique to each client.  The therapists and their rooms are the same from session to session and client to client, and yet they become totally different places as each individual client comes in, exposing his or her own life, pain, feelings, energy, thoughts, and emotion.

It shows how the therapy process challenges therapists to be their best selves at all times, as impossible as that might be.

It shows how much people actually say about themselves when someone is listening closely to what is being said.  And it shows how much people do not listen to their own selves, and how they don’t hear the words that come out of their own mouths.

It shows how families speak to each other – or not.  And how helpful family members can be to each other – or not.  And how loving, kind, supportive, and caring family members can be to each other – or not.

It shows how people wrestle with their emotions, their feelings, their realities, and the denial of those realities.  It shows their emotional conflict, turmoil, grief, depression, anxiety, suicidal actions, passive suicidal feelings, anger, panic, fear, dismay, agony, self-harm motives, struggles with life and death.

It shows how the therapy process, while focused around the expression of words and feelings, can be enhanced by paying close attention to the communication from the physical body itself, which sometimes says more than clients can put into words.

It shows how therapists get invested in their clients, and how they build connections and bonds with their clients.  The caring can be a real thing.

It shows how important it is for clients to make their own life-decisions, how much people wrestle with their own life decisions, and how quickly therapists get blamed when these decisions do not work out as hoped.

It shows how tender and fragile people can be, even when they outwardly appear to be strong, powerful, and in control.

It shows the importance of being heard, understood, listened to, and recognized as a worthwhile person, first by others, and then by yourself.

These television shows can lead to a lot of personal thinking and reassessment about your own therapy process, your relationship with your therapist, and how your life is changing and progressing.  How do you relate to what you are seeing “In Treatment”?

* What is your therapy process like?
* How is your therapy impacting your life?
* Do you see your therapist as human as Dr. Weston presents in “In Treatment”?
* Do you blame your therapist when your life plans do not work out as hoped?
* Is your therapist as central to your life as presented in these series?
* Are you more attached to your therapist or to your therapy process?
* What would you do if you realized how human and flawed your therapist is?
* Do you expect your therapist to be something more than a real person?
.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

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