March 29, 2013

Easter Weekend: Sorting through the Layers Within

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Internal Communication, mental health, Self Injury, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:21 pm by Kathy Broady


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Hello Everyone,

It’s the Easter weekend — a complicated and conflictual weekend for most dissociative trauma survivors. So many layers of your inside levels will be awakened, aware, involved, wondering, waiting, going, sitting, thinking, watching, feeling, remembering, refusing, believing, fighting, crying, calling, hiding, etc. Its a time of being pulled in dozens of different directions all at once.

Lots of headaches, that’s what that means.
And lots of pain. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

So yes… I am thinking of you all, and wishing peace for you. I know it’s difficult. Really difficult.

The Easter season is typically overloaded with the triggers, external pulls, family complications, and spiritual battles. The inside battle within your system may be raging at full intensity.

As best you can, remember to sit with each other, and learn what you can about the others that you see nearby. What struggles are they having? What thoughts are in their mind? What feelings do they hold? What feelings do they avoid?

Is there anything you can do to help them? What can you do to give them comfort? What can you do to make the struggle less sharp? How can you keep your system safe, both on the inside and outside?

Intense weekends such as this are usually heavily overloaded with information, from your past and maybe in your present. These are things you need to know. It’s from your life, and you can know what you and your insiders have been through. You are allowed now. It’s ok to know. It’s good to know, even when it’s difficult to know.

For many of you, just making it through alive and well is the goal. Self-injury may seem like the “best option”, but it really doesn’t help in the long-run. Look for other options to handle this time of stress. Read through the bunches of articles here that give other options to consider. The intensity of what you are feeling will gradually subside… You don’t have to cut or purge it away. It’s ok to feel what you feel. Your feelings belong to you — you are allowed now to have them.

For others of you, you may feel solid enough to use this time to make headway in reaching others in your system who are struggling more than you. It can be painful to hear and connect with the trauma memories held by many in your system, but it really is ok to remember what has happened in your life, and you don’t have to be punished for that anymore. FInd ways to heal your wounds and comfort your heartaches. Be kind to each other. Kind, gentle, soothing. Come together. Be a team.

Some of you will be far enough in your healing journey that you can find the good things to enjoy about the holiday weekend. Maybe you can enjoy a warm walk outside in the sunshine, or a handful of the kids’ favorite candy. Something near you may smell really nice – where is that? Breathe deeply, bringing in things that are good. Yes, there will be beauty in this weekend — see if you can find it.

Speaking of finding things….
Can you see the two caterpillars in the picture?
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In my personal way of thinking, good beats out evil, so …. do your best to hold on tight till the darkness passes, and as soon as you can, find ways to reach those places of goodness, peace, comfort, joy, and love. It’s ok to let go of that darkness. You don’t have to stay there any more. You can move over to a life of warmth now. You are allowed to do that.

You can do it, I know you can.

I am thinking of you all, and I wish you the best in your healing journey.

Happy Easter everyone.

Warmly,

Kathy

Copyright  (C) 2008 – 2013 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

June 17, 2012

Three Difficult Scenarios involving Fathers

Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Physical Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:44 am by Kathy Broady


It’s Father’s Day, 2012.

Fathers.  Fathers are as difficult a topic for dissociative trauma survivors as mothers.

I decided I would recognize this day by writing briefly about a few of the common but complicated topics connected to fathers.

I can feel the shuddering going on already.

How difficult are these situations for you?
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A.  Saying no to your father

According to childhood rules, it’s really not allowed, typically, for DID survivors to even consider saying no to their father.  It’s a scary topic.  This is a “rule” that gets taught very early on, and takes years of time to challenge.  All too often, this very idea is tied to trauma, and abuse, and a whole lot of fear.

And yet, it really is okay, especially as you become an adult yourself, to make your own decisions about your life, and about what you’ll do (or not do).  The older you are, the less say-so that your father should have in terms of making the rules for your life.  Easily said, but oh so very difficult to do, especially if you have the type of father that doesn’t want to relinquish that position of power and authority.

But still, your life belongs to you, and at some point, it really is okay to claim that for yourself.  You don’t have to believe what your father believed.  You don’t have to spend your life following his rules or his directions.  You don’t have to put his teachings above what you want to decide for yourself.  It is okay, and important, for you to become your own person, and to establish your own sense of self separate from your father.  To do this, means that at some point in time, you will likely have to say “No” to your father and his preferences.

For many trauma survivors, the healing process is very dependent on you gaining more separation from your father, and being able to make decisions about your life based on what you think, not on what your father thinks.

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B. Having an Abusive Father

What about the trauma survivors whose fathers were their perpetrators?

What is your father is still one of your perpetrators?

Boy oh boy, it’s very difficult to think anything positive about Father’s Day when your father was (or is) one of your abusers.  It becomes a day of pain, heartache, body memories, flashbacks, fear, and anxiety.  Trauma city!

Being hurt, betrayed, and abused by either of your parents creates some of the deepest wounds, and some of the deepest splits within the dissociative system.  There will often be parts in your system that completely agreed with and supported and even helped the father carry out abuse to various people in your system.  There will be others in your system that were and probably still are terrified of the father.  There will be others in your system that have absolutely no awareness of any abuse done by the father, and will defend his innocence with a vengeance.  There could be others in your system that don’t even know that the father was their father – they will see him as some generic “man” that hurt them.  There could also be others in your system that only remember the father as a good man, a decent person, a fun and caring person, a good man in the community, and any other variety of being good, just, and kind.

Having such extreme and varied views and experiences with the father creates a ton of internal conflict, making the necessity of splitting into different selves much more understandable.  Having different parts, each containing their own experiences, and then keeping these parts separated from each other, is often an effort to minimize the turmoil caused by loving / hating / fearing / admiring the same person.  It makes sense.  How else would someone manage all the extremes?
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C. Being Abandoned by your Father

What about the fathers that simply abandoned their children?

This is a painful topic as well.  It leads to feelings of nothingness, low self-esteem, anger, self-destruction, and confusion.  Not having a father creates a hole in the heart – an emptiness that just doesn’t go away.  To become used to this emptiness can create a type of apathy towards people that can lead to other types of problems in life and relationships.  It can lead to addictive behaviors – drinking, drugging, sexual promiscuity – and any other behavior that tries to mask pain with impulsive “I want to feel good” options.

It’s almost impossible to understand how a father could leave you without struggling with thoughts about “am I bad?” or “it must be my fault” or “I made him go away”.  Children internalize blame onto themselves, and many dissociative survivors grow far into adulthood before becoming able to shift this responsibility back onto the father instead of absorbing it into themselves.  Not taking the blame for your father’s poor behavior is an important task in the healing journey.
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Father issues are not simple, and yet, very often, for trauma survivors, sorting out your father issues are very central to your healing.  It’s difficult to understand or choose or create healthy family relationships when your whole life experience has been with a dysfunctional or abusive father.  Fathers, even the absentee fathers, are very prominent in shaping your very sense of yourself.  Your father isn’t nobody.  He has had some very significant impact on your life.

When you were a child, you had very little say so about that.

Now, when you are older, and more adult, and more resourceful for yourself, now you can make new decisions that can redefine that relationship and its impact on you and your life, and the lives of your insiders.

Even if it is scary to address these topics, for your own healing, your health, and your well-being, it’s essential that you do.

I wish you the best in your healing journey.

Warmly,

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

May 16, 2012

A Painful Mother’s Day – the Cards Not Written

Posted in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:33 am by Kathy Broady


Last week, I couldn’t find the words to write about the struggles that so many dissociative survivors have on Mother’s Day.

In response to that, a dissociative survivor emailed me, and has given me permission to post their thoughts about the painful side of Mother’s Day.

Maybe you will relate to these difficult thoughts and painful feelings.

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Every year on Mother’s Day we as a society get inundated with movies about mothers, sappy Hallmark card Mother’s Day commercials, endless rounds of advertisements on ways you can show your mother that you love her by buying her something.  On Mother’s Day many churches do tributes to moms – handing out charm bracelets, giving out flowers, and preaching sermons about how families are wonderful things to have and how you need to be so thankful to your mother for raising you and putting up with you.  Mothers are celebrated as though motherhood is the be all and end all of existence.  It’s required that you show appreciate to your mom, grow up to be a fantastic mother, or show tribute to all the mother figures in your life.

But what if Mother’s Day is just full of pain?

What if just the thought of your own mom brings on fear and anxiety, or what if you have lost a child, or what if you are unable to have children, or what if you don’t even want children of your own?  What if while reading praises about other people’s lovely mothers just brings you to tears filled with jealousy or an aching in your heart?  Or what if thinking about your own mom doesn’t conjured up love, but perhaps obligation or hate or even terror?

This is side to Mother’s Day that just doesn’t get discussed very often.

If you’re blessed to have a good mother, that’s wonderful.  But not everyone wants to hear about it – especially on Mother’s Day.  The day brings up too many intense feelings, especially if you want to be a mom but cannot be, or your mother hurt you, or your mom has died.

There are mothers out there for whom you can’t find just the right Hallmark card.  “Thank you for being such a precious mom who I am so grateful for” just doesn’t cut it.  How about cards that say “You were never there for me.”  Or how about “Thanks for never stopping dad / your boyfriend / your brother from molesting me in the bedroom next to yours.”  Or what about “I know you never even wanted me.” Or perhaps, “I never even knew you.”  Instead of thankfulness and love and gratitude, there should be cards that express fear, anger, stress, and hurt.

Instead of spending Mother’s Day taking your mom out to dinner and to the spa, some people spend it curled up on the couch, just trying to survive the day.  Some spend the day trying to cope with flashbacks; giving into painful behaviors such as cutting or over-eating; feeling lost and very, very alone.  Some people spend the day aching over the grief for children they can’t have, for the mom they always wanted but don’t feel like they deserved.

What if Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for you?

What do you do then while it seems that everyone else in the world is celebrating?

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Ouch.

Well said.  That is exactly the kind of emotional pain I was thinking about, but said so much better by this trauma survivor.  Their pain is palpable.

How do you relate to these words?

How would you answer these difficult questions?

How difficult was your Mother’s Day?

And what ideas do you have for Mother’s Day cards that haven’t yet been written?

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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

April 24, 2012

Just for FUN!!

Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Puppies, Stories for Child Insiders, Therapy Homework Ideas, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:43 pm by Kathy Broady


All too often, the healing work for dissociative trauma survivors is so very heavy, and filled full of pain, heartbreak, struggles, anguish, horrors, fears, conflict, etc.  Too many days can too easily feel like the healing process is far too difficult to be worth it.  When it feels like that, it is really important to remember to take a few breaks from the hard stuff, and to save room for fun.  It’s like recognizing the “stop and smell the roses” idea.  Only for this, it’s about stopping to have some good times, or at least decent times, along the way.

Besides, all work and no play is just no fun!  And your inside kids, like all children, need time to play, and to laugh, and to enjoy life too.  And kids, even if your adults don’t realize it, they need time to play, and laugh, and smile, and to relax from all the stress they feel too.

So….. are you all ready to do something fun?   I know I am!

In honor of not having enough fun moments in our lives, I’ve decided to make a blog post dedicated to just fun things.  Just fun stuff!  No hard stuff.  No icky stuff.  Just FUN stuff!

And I would like your help to complete it.

Here’s what I have in mind.

I’m including some pictures in this blog that, for me, represent fun, good times, pleasant memories, and happy moments.  I hope some of these pictures bring a smile to your face.

I also want to invite you to send in pictures that represent those same kinds of feelings for you.

If you can post your pictures directly in your comment, that’s great.  (Being technically challenged, I am not sure if that can be done or not.)  Not to worry – I have a back-up plan in mind.  If the comment option does not allow for pictures to be shown in the comments, please feel free to email your pictures to me, along with any comments / explanatory notes that you would like attached to your pictures, and then I’ll post them in a separate blog article format.

Then we can all share in the fun stuff, which makes fun even more fun!

Please be sure that any pictures you send completely pass the “Just for FUN!” (a good, safe, happy kind of fun) project idea.

Please note: If anyone sends in spooky pictures, I’m not going to post them – because there is typically some not so funny someone who wants to spoil the fun – but for this exercise, no spookiness is allowed.  And yes, I get to be the judge on what looks too spooky and what doesn’t.

Yes, you can send in more than one picture if you would like to.

*** Please be sure that you have the rights to send in / have posted whatever picture you send.  If it specifically belongs to someone else, please don’t send it in as if it is yours.  Also, please don’t include pictures of other people that may not want their picture posted on a blog.  I am not interested in getting any kind of fussing going on.  So please, only send in pictures that are not a violation to anyone else, please and thank you. ***

The first two pictures I am including in this “Just for Fun!” Project were sent to me via email that was circulating around all over the place.  I don’t know who the photographer is, but they did a great job creating such fun pictures.  Enjoy!

How can you not smile when you see these beautiful little duckies in this picture?

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Sweet little baby ducks - so cute!

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And what a creative, fun picture this is!  Do you think it is real?  Or has it been photoshopped? Either way, it’s a great picture of an elephant having all kinds of fun.

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ahhh.... the good life. :)

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And now, on a more personal level, here’s a picture of Emma, trying to sit comfortably on a pillow.
I don’t know if she is comfy or not.  What do you think?
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Emma! That's a funny way for a puggy to sit, Emma!

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And last but not least, here is a picture of me with a cute little piggy I saw a few weeks ago.

Remembering a good day with a fun little pig.

This little piggy was only two months old, very tiny for a pig, but super fast and brimming full of energy. Absolutely darling, he was barely taller than my ankles, and one-third the size of Emma the puggy.  He would race around his little area, zipping here, zipping there, making all kinds of funny piggy noises.  I giggled and giggled as I watched him run, and heard him snort in all kinds of funny ways.  This little pig was simply the highlight of that morning, so I just had to include him today as a fond memory of a good time.

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What kinds of fun pictures do you have that bring a smile to your face?

I’m looking forward to seeing them!

Happy smiles, everyone, :)

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

April 22, 2012

Don’t Touch My Stuff !!

Posted in Compulsive Hoarding, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Hoarding, mental health tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 6:16 pm by Kathy Broady


Through the years, some of the most popular articles of the Discussing Dissociation blog has been about compulsive hoarding:  Compulsive Hoarding and Dissociative Disorders and Land of the Free?

I can’t explain their popularity on this blog, other than the way a rash of television programs have increased the awareness of the complications about hoarding. However, hoarding issues are typically accompanied by extreme anxiety, depression, isolation, family conflict, self-hatred, chaotic thinking, eating disorders and other problems also common with DID / MPD / trauma survivors.  Many emotional struggles are certainly not limited to the Dissociative population.  Hoarding is probably one of those disorders that the Dissociative community can potentially share with thousands of people more suited to other mental health communities.

It appears that hoarding is a much bigger issue than once officially recognized.  As a social worker who has done many home visits over a span of 25 years, I can say that I have seen hoarding issues repeatedly and yes, in my experience, hoarding is a consistent theme within various mental health populations, including dissociative trauma survivors.

How do we address these issues?
Does the professional “helping” community understand the depths of what is involved?
Do the mental health professionals really know what is needed?

On the various Hoarders shows that I’ve watched on television (such as “Hoarders” on A&E, and “Hoarding: Buried Alive” on TLC), most of these processes are expected to be completed within a matter of a few short days.  The interventions are quick, intense, and highly dramatic.  The hoarders have obvious struggles, and the gains made in their homes and living situations are typically significant and impressive, even if only one or two rooms demonstrate the successful changes.

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about the groups of people that experience the anxiety, stress, distress, personal gains, relief, and emotional freedom from having professional organizers empty their houses.  There are many groups of people, in addition to the hoarder community, that may require assistance in emptying or reducing the amount of items located within a specific property or home.  These issues could surface in extremity, for example, after someone dies (especially when there is no one to inherit the stuff), or during a divorce settlement, or after a bankruptcy, or prior to moving to new home, or downsizing from a large home to a small home, or for any other reason people may decide to liquidate their possessions.

To me, just cleaning out a messy closet is a big job!  Emptying, or organizing an entire property is an enormous job! It’s an overwhelmingly huge job.

Recently, I hired some professional sales assistants to help me to downsize / sell many of the items from my home / office in order to prepare for a new phase of my life.  My children are grown up, and each has moved into their own homes as adults, giving me all kinds of options for what to do with the physical space that lives around me.  I don’t particularly like the “empty nest” phrase, and yet for the first time in dozens of years, I have more freedom to do whatever I want to do, wherever I decide to do it.  It’s exciting, and yet very weird feeling all at the same time. That’s all a long story, of course, and it has taken several months (years?!!) of hard work to sort through those kinds of things, including what to do with all the leftover “stuff” that everyone has grown out of.

I took weeks of time to pull out the cherished treasures I wanted to keep, and then left the rest for the organizers to pick through, and to present in the way they created a sale for the masses of people they invited to come dig through my things.  As much as I thought I had already selected my most important items, it was never that easy, or that clear.

“Wait!  Wait! Maybe I want to keep THAT afterall!”

Or, “Wait!  Where did you find that?  I didn’t SEE that before.  Give me that back!”

Or another rough part was seeing my things just tossed in the trash.  Can you believe that my favorite coffee cup ended up in the trash?!!  My FAVORITE one!  I thought I was going to have a melt down right then and there!

Breathe, Kathy, breathe!
Count to 10.
Ok, count to 100, lol.

The whole process was not anywhere near as fun as I had thought it might be.

In fact, it wasn’t fun at all.

It was really painful and horrible, to say the least.

And I chose to do it.  It wasn’t forced upon me.  It was MY IDEA.  ( yeesh, lol).

This changing, transitional experience has been much more complicated and emotional than I ever expected it to be, giving me all kinds of fodder for blog articles, and a much deeper understanding of the intensity felt by hoarders as they go through their housing changes.  Even though I had lots of time to prepare prior to my professional organizers arriving, and I was not forced into making these decisions in any way at all, I found myself having far more struggles, and feeling intense emotional turmoil, and frequently overwhelmed with memories (both good and bad) while sorting through the rooms of stuff.  Wow.  Yeeesh.  Gee Whillakers!  Jiminy Crickets!!  It was a much more difficult experience than I would have ever imagined it would be.

One thing is for sure.  For any television production company to expect to go through and toss away / give away 80 – 90 % of a hoarders belongings over a period of just a few days is just ridiculously cruel.  Most people — especially those that tend to be collectors in the first place — are not ready to let go with that much finality that quickly, or that easily.  There is no wonder the hoarders on the television shows have so many emotional outbursts – the whole process is set up exactly to create that kind of emotional conflict within them.  I suppose that makes for interesting television, but it is not very kind to the hoarder.

My experience of working with professional organizers also reminded me of some of the stories I have heard over and over from many of my clients with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID / MPD).  Let me ask you a few questions.  Can you relate to any of these experiences?

As children or teenagers, or even as adults, have you felt violated when your parents or caregivers or family members rifled through your belongings without your permission to do so?

How invasive did it feel to have people touching your things when they were not invited to do so?
How powerless did you feel to see this, and to know you couldn’t stop it from happening?

How did this affect your personal boundaries?
How did it affect your ability to feel like something – anything – belonged to you, and to only you?
How did it affect your privacy, or lack of having any privacy?

When your boundaries were disrespected and exploited, what did you to do cope with the feelings you had?

With whatever trauma and / or neglect you experienced in your life, did you develop a greater attachment and emotional connection to physical items and personal items as a way to bond with something / anything?  Or did the repeated violations leave you distanced and unattached to your personal items, able to easily walk off, staying coldly disconnected and apathetic to having anything of your own?

How would you feel if someone took your things from you?  Or if someone threw your favorite items in the trash?  Or if someone broke an item that you cherished?  Would you have an anxiety attack?  Would you be angry?  Would you withdraw inside, crashing into depression?  Would you find yourself switching from insider person to insider person?

Does it feel good and more under your own control to keep the amount of your personal belongings to a minimum?  Does that feel safer for you, or does that feel like deprivation?  Do you prefer to have bunches of things, feeling safer being surrounded by stuff?  Does having layers of stuff feel like layers of protection?

How do victims of floods, fires, tornadoes, and earthquakes, or other natural disasters feel after suddenly losing all of their stuff?  Even if they evacuated with a few things, how would it feel to lose so much, so quickly?

It is interesting to explore these questions with yourself.  If you aren’t sure what some of the answers would be, try creating the situation, and let yourself experience it first hand.  Experience having someone else / something else take your cherished items from you.  Chances are, many of you reading this blog have already experienced these situations in your life.  But if you haven’t experienced this, don’t judge other people’s reactions and their big feelings about having “house invaders” mess with their things.  These experiences are a lot more difficult than you might have ever realized.

It certainly was for me.

Kathy

Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation

December 21, 2010

It’s WinterTime Here in Texas

Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Ritual Abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:39 pm by Kathy Broady


Well…. it’s December 21, 2010.  Although the weather here in Dallas was nearly 80 degrees Fahrenheit today, this is the official first day of winter.  It’s the Winter Solstice and on top of that, last night was the lunar eclipse.  Did anyone see that?  If you can actually enjoy the moon, it was pretty cool to see.

However, late last night while I was standing alone outside, quietly looking at the lunar eclipse, I could appreciate the beauty with my eyes, but my heart was feeling a sadness and heaviness for the other things that were happening in other parts of the world.

Winter Solstice represents a day of darkness that is full of trauma for too many dissociative trauma survivors.  The night was far too scary, far too difficult, far too dark, far too long.

Many of you know what I am speaking of and I don’t have to go into the gory details for you to know the pain and anguish you have probably already been feeling all day.

If this kind of history applies to you, I am sorry that you had to experience such horrible atrocities in your lifetime.  I can promise you it was not right nor good nor ok that you were required to participate in such darkness.

I wish the world was not so dark.

I wish that evil didn’t have such a hold on so many people.

I wish that kindness and gentleness could win all wars.

I wish those creeps that enjoy inflicting pain would inflict it on themselves, and leave the rest of us alone.

I wish it was just an ordinary night for you, and not a night of darkness.

I am sorry that you were hurt.

I wish they had never ever showed you any of their darkness.

I hope that you find freedom, safety and a lifetime of distance from their darkness.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

December 7, 2010

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie – or not?!

Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Puppies, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:57 pm by Kathy Broady


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Let sleeping dogs lie….

We’ve all heard the phrase said over and over.   It means to leave something the way it is because disturbing it would cause more trouble or additional complications.  Fine, fine, fine.  Maybe for today, I’ll not address the troublemakers in life.  Heaven knows, I’ve run into more than enough of my fair share of dogs that lie….  But ok, I’ll respect the wisdom of the phrase and for now, I will save those spicy little topics for another day.

But there are other sleeping dogs that I am going to mess with right now.

Have a look at these little beauties!

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precious little puppies at five days old

three little brown bulldogs, all girls!

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Aren’t these just the cutest pile of puppies?!!!!

There are seven little ones here, all piled up together.  It’s funny to see how they sleep all stacked on each other.  It seems they would be a little uncomfortable getting squished like that (would you like to have someone sleeping on your head??!!), but apparently, these little sweeties like the warmth and closeness they feel when being snuggled close to each other.  In these pictures, they are just five days old.  Their eyes or ears are not yet opened, and they can’t walk or bark.

I’m trying to just let them sleep peacefully… but you know… it’s just absolutely impossible to not pick up these little sweethearts and to enjoy their little super soft squirmy selves for awhile!  Besides, the phrase is not “let sleeping puppies lie”!!

There is something about baby puppies, or baby kittens, or baby horses that just makes the heart melt.  They just make you feel good!  They bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.  Spending time with little baby critters is just the most wonderful experience.

Are you feeling depressed? Spending time with a puppy close by your side really can help your depression.  The very presence of that tiny little being can lift your spirits.

Are you feeling isolated and alone? A puppy as a companion can become your very best friend. Dogs can get as deeply attached to you as you do to them, and they will show you, repeatedly, how important you are to them and how valuable you are.

Is your heart hurting? A puppy can provide some of the best comfort you’ll ever find.  Dogs will snuggle up beside you, they will look deep into your eyes, and their hearts can feel your pain.  They will sit with you, and stay beside you, and their warm gentle presence will create a very healing experience.

Have you been betrayed and abused by people? A puppy will grow up to be your most loyal confidant. They truly do live up to the reputation that they are “man’s best friend”.  A puppy won’t turn on you or hurt you like people do.

Are you feeling anxious or stressed and do you have high blood pressure? Spending time with a puppy will help you to feel calmer and give you ways to relax, to breathe, and to not feel as intense or upset.

Do you have suicidal tendencies or suicidal ideation? A puppy will give you more reason to live, and more reason to get through those dark moments of time.  Your love, care, and concern for your puppy can be strong enough to keep you from killing yourself.  Your puppy can help to save your life.

Do you have social anxiety or a fear of people? A puppy will provide a safety barrier for you in public.  Dogs will give you an added sense of safety and protection when you are outdoors, and they can become the focus of brief social conversations, giving you something to speak about.  Dogs can also become an easy “reason to excuse yourself” if you need to find a way to politely exit a people-scene.

Do you have dissociative identity disorder? A puppy will develop a relationship with each of the people in your system, and your puppy will know and recognize the difference between your different selves.  Child parts often hold dear to their pets and puppies, and they are certainly a positive addition to any dissociative trauma survivor’s treatment team

Have you grown up as a neglected child and do you have trouble taking care of yourself? A puppy does not like to be neglected and has to be tended every day.  Learning to take care of the needs of a pet can be very helpful in terms of teaching basic life skills such as remembering to eat, learning to meet regular self-care needs, etc.

Do you have trouble staying grounded or do you have issues with time distortion? A puppy can help you to see and remember that you are in the current day, place, and time.

Do you have difficulties getting enough exercise? A puppy can encourage and promote more exercise.  Puppies love to play and like to go on walks.  Having fun with your puppy will typically require some exercise on your part.  What a fun way to exercise!

There are bunches of benefits to having a puppy!

As you can see, absolutely, and without a doubt, therapeutic service dogs and companion animals can make a significant difference in your life.

If you don’t yet have one of your own, have another quick look at these little cuties, and think about the ways that a puppy could improve your quality of life.

seven little puppies sleeping, one day old

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I hope you enjoy your puppy too!

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

November 28, 2010

With Darkness and Depression, is there Anything to be Thankful For?

Posted in Depression, DID Education, emotional pain, mental health, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:25 pm by Kathy Broady


It has been Thanksgiving week here in the USA.

Thanksgiving is the time to be thankful for what we have, for the people in our lives, for the food and shelter that we have, and for the lives we have had.  It is meant to be a good holiday, with time to relax, watch the Macy’s Day parade, cheer for our favorite football team, have an incredible meal, go to movies, chatter with close friends and family, enjoy freedom and all the goodness of life.

Thanksgiving is usually a good day.

But the world is a cruel place.

And for many people, there is a lot that has happened that has been anything but good, or pretty, or wonderful.

Too many people are struggling.  Depression dominates.  Darkness permeates too much.

Too often, the world is a vicious place.

There are sadistic abusers that hurt and devastate children in every country of the world.

There are thousands of destructive diseases, starving children, destroyed families, broken spirits, and wounded souls meandering around in our world.  There are far too many wars, polluted lands, toxic waters, drug overdoses, and homeless people.

The world is not a pretty place.

There is ugliness and coldness splattered everywhere.

It is difficult to find a good faithful friend.

It is difficult to find loyal, trustworthy people who won’t betray you or leave you.

It is difficult to find people who care or express compassion or gentleness or have time to listen.

It is difficult to find someone to love that equally and freely loves you back.

All too many people feel alone, heart-broken, saddened, and hurt to the very depths of their core.

Others are embattled in wars against the injustices of the world or trapped in chronic poverty.

Having a life filled with trauma and abuse both destroys and deepens the survivors of violence.  Trauma and abuse makes people find ways to cope that are beyond what anyone else can comprehend.  But trauma and abuse also leave scars that last for a lifetime.

With all the darkness in the world, what is there to be thankful for?

What is there to appreciate or to enjoy?

Some days it’s just not so easy to find those good things.

Even though it feels like it, everything was not taken from you.

What is it that you hang on to?

Where can you go in your mind that takes you to your very own place of happiness and safety?

Where do you find beauty?

What brings a smile to your face and warms your soul?

What gives you a feeling of peace, and security, and solidity?

Do you find it in nature?

When you see  an incredible sunset or a fascinating unique cloud formation, what do you think?

When you see the beauty of autumn leaves or waterfalls or bright green grass, what do you feel?

When you smell honeysuckle blossoms or newly opened roses, what do you feel?

When a butterfly sits on your finger or when a  baby bunny hops in front of you or you hold  sleeping baby puppies, what do you feel?

What do you feel when you hear a song that  reaches your soul?  Do you prefer instrumental  music? Or do you prefer to listen to the words of  your favorite singer?  Do the rhythms of your  favorite songs create an aliveness within your  spirit that makes you want to dance?

Do you find comfort in a cup of warm tea or in the scent of an aromatic candle or the softness of a clean blanket?

What about when you see small children’s eyes twinkle when they squeal with glee as they learn something new.  Does that bring out your own sparkle?  

Finding your own sparkle moments will help to remember that life can be good, and that life can be appreciated, and that there are things to be thankful for.  Is life perfect?  Oh, absolutely not.  Certainly not for the people who have been the targets of sadistic abusers and manipulative con artists.  Life is far far far from perfect when you’ve been thrown around and beat up in tumultuous storms.

But there are still a few good things out there – those places that hold beauty and joy — that can never be taken away.

Hold on to your inner self – your soul, your spirit.  The world can stomp hard on those places, but protect yourself best you can. Others out in the world may not understand why or how you are doing this, but it is up to you to protect yourself from harm in any way that you can until you feel safe enough to not have to.  Don’t forget — even in times of tight rigid self-protection, you can find sparkle and joy and warmth – but once you shut others out of your world, it definitely will be up to you to do that for yourself.

Create moments every day that bring that a hint of joy to mind.  You don’t’ have to be jumping up and down with joy to feel joy.  A little spark of joy is a good start.

Create something – anything.  Creating is the opposite of dying so when you create something, you are adding to the value of your life.  Creating something new is a way of creating life itself.  Write a story, compose a song, choreograph a dance, cook a new dish, draw a picture, paint a painting, make some jewelry, plant a garden, sing a jingle, organize a pile of clutter, sew a shirt, embroider a design, build a bookshelf, make a guitar, clean a mess, re-style your hair, paint your nails, carve a bar of soap, bake some bread, etc.

When you can, adventure out of your protective walls and find something outside of your home that creates a sparkle moment for you.  Take an adventure walk around your neighborhood – can you find anything at all that brings a smile to your face?  Ever so carefully, gently interact with others out in your neighborhood, local stores or churches.  Gradually, by finding places that can give you joy when you are outside of your home, you will remember that the world is not all bad.

Even when it feels like you have lost everything and everyone, you can find something to be thankful for if you stay alive in your spirit and soul.  Many trauma survivors feel that their soul has died or taken from them, but I am willing to bet that it has not.  It might be well hidden and covered up, but it is there.  You may very well need to nurture it back to life, but you can do that with the things that create those sparkle moments.

Make it a goal to find something to be grateful for everyday.

Find the beauty out there in your world.  Search for things you can appreciate.

Depression and darkness do not have to dominate anymore.

Your ability to feel thankful and to have gratitude will help to change your life back towards the positive, one sparkle moment at a time.

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

October 15, 2010

Turning Self-Injury into Self-Soothing

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Physical Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:12 pm by Kathy Broady


Self-injury is a problem all too common for trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder (DID / MPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).  For that matter, self-injury (SI) is an issue for other populations of people as well.  This discussion will focus more on the effects of trauma and abuse and how self-injury can be addressed effectively.  However, because self-injury is actually a very complicated topic, this particular blog article will reach only a few of those layers.

In my years of working as a trauma therapist, I have noticed that many DID survivors self-injure when they are in emotional pain.  They are hurting, their heart feels broken, they feel betrayed or abandoned, or they feel incredibly sad (but can’t cry).  Turning to various forms of self-injury and self-harm sometimes helps to temporarily relieve their emotional pain.  (Trauma survivors also self-injure when they believe they need to be punished, or when they are extremely anxious, or when they are feeling strong compulsions or hearing internal instructions, etc.)

One of the reasons self-injury works is because the brain cannot distinguish between a self-caused physical injury and any other type of physical injury and upon recognizing a body injury, the brain releases all the necessarily chemicals and hormones.  Dopamine, serotonin, and neural structures are significant in this process.  I’ll refer all the complicated medical explanations to others more qualified, but the point being is that the act of self-harm creates a reaction in the brain that allows the hurting person to feel a little more calm and numb.

In other words, when self-injuring, survivors are trying to feel better.  They know they are in emotional distress, they recognize the emotional pain, and they know they are hurting.  And they want to feel better, or at least to feel differently.

Self-injury can be a quick fix for these intense feelings.  In that sense, self-injury is not a lot different from having a few shots of whiskey, or a shot of heroine, or a plateful of doughnuts, or a pound of chocolate.  Many addictive behaviors are centered around finding a way to feel better when hurting.

Typically speaking, this has been a life-long issue.  From even their youngest days, most dissociative trauma survivors were neglected or ignored when they were hurting.  They were not comforted, and their pain was not acknowledged.  Even as very young children, they were left alone with their pain and injuries.  All too often, they were not properly tended to, they were not cared for, they were not hugged, they were not given medical aid.  They were hurt – physically and emotionally – and they were left on their own to manage.

In my opinion, this lack of comfort and the years of neglect are some of the biggest crimes committed against young children.  Neglect is as significant in causing harmful life-long effects as any direct trauma.

So, when working with trauma survivors who experienced significant pain and next-to-no comfort, a critical and crucial part of their healing process is to teach how to accept and create healthy and positive comfort.

Children who are injured in healthier environments are very much comforted by their mothers or fathers or other caregivers.  Their hurts are recognized and acknowledged appropriately.  These children are given hugs and gentle affectionate kisses.  They get band-aids — sometimes they get the fancy special band-aids with Snoopy or Spiderman or pretty flowers on them!  They are checked on repeatedly, they are allowed to sit close to their caregiver, they are given other little treats (such as stickers, or the chance to watch their favorite cartoon), etc.  These injured children learn that positive forms of comfort can help them feel better.

Since traumatized dissociative survivors were typically not taught these ways of receiving comfort, this becomes an important treatment goal in their healing process.  They need to know their wounds can be tended, that their hurts matter, that someone hears them, and that they can be treated gently during times of pain.

Tending to the hurts and the wounds often has to be modeled to dissociative trauma survivors.  In many situations, this will be completely new experience for them, and the process of having their hurts be important, can be a profound experience.

As trauma survivors start to experience genuine comfort and caring from others (this may start first in the therapeutic office setting), these survivors will eventually learn to copy these same kinds of behaviors and apply them towards themselves and their other insiders.

Emotional pain is no different, and in some ways, addressing and comforting emotional hurts is even more important.

Teaching trauma survivors to sit with their emotions and to increase their ability to endure intense emotions is an essential part of the healing process.  In early stages of therapy, most DID survivors can barely touch their feelings.  In the later stages of the healing process, DID survivors can sit with their feelings, no matter how intense they feel them, and not turn to anything destructive or harmful.

In order to sit with those feelings, survivors need to learn what to do during those moments.  They need to know and understand that they matter and that bringing more harm and pain to their selves and their bodies is not the answer.  Learning how to comfort themselves – how to self-soothe, instead of self-injure – is a significant process in their healing.

Self-soothing means that the person is doing something that brings comfort in a helpful, positive way.  Feeling better can become about comfort instead of numbing.  Survivors can learn that they are worth being comforted, instead of being feeling unvalued and ignored.

Each time trauma survivors are comforted in their pain, instead of ignored or injured more because of their pain, they are experiencing a corrective emotional experience.  Correcting the neglect by experiencing proper comfort, including self-soothing comforts, is incredibly significant in the healing process.

Comfort actually works much better than numbing, especially in the long run.  Comfort allows for pain to heal.  Numbing (or self-injury) means that the pain is just postponed until it comes back again.

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Ways to Self-Soothe Include:

Self-soothing is unique to each person, just as any other preference is unique to each person.  There are dozens and dozens of healthy options — explore a variety of different options to see what works best for you.  Some ideas to try include:

  • Listening to music that matches your mood – if you are feeling sad, listen to music that will help you express that sadness.
  • Sing to yourself (even if this means making up your own songs, or singing sounds), or play musical instruments as a way of expressing your feelings.
  • Wrap yourself up in your favorite comfy clothes or in a warm blanket and snuggle up somewhere safe, quiet, and protected.
  • Hold or hug a pet, a stuffie, or a pillow.
  • Sit close to someone safe.  Lean against their shoulder, or find some way to have physical contact that is in no way sexualized or dangerous.
  • Sip on your favorite tea, or any other gentle beverage, and treat yourself to a few simple snacks that are not heavy, but are tasty and nutritious.
  • Rock in a rocking chair, or sit in a swing, and let the movement relax and calm you.
  • Walk slowly or sit quietly in areas of nature that are beautiful and inspirational.
  • Make your room, or your home feel particularly cozy – have nice smelling candles, or soft lighting, or bring out your favorite treasures to look at, sit by a calming fireplace (not for injury purposes! But yes, sitting by a warm fireplace can be very beautiful and calming).  If you need to clean up an area first, that is ok, because it is important to be in an area that you can feel calm and quieted.
  • Take a warm shower or a warm bath, using very nice smelling soaps and body washes.  Dry off with your favorite most soft towels.  The more you can make this a “spa-like” experience, the better.
  • Bring in fresh flowers, or fresh greenery, or pretty leaves.  Looking at something beautiful from nature, even while you are indoors, can be calming and soothing.
  • Allow yourself to cry, uninterrupted, when the feelings come.  Crying really is allowed, it really is ok, and it is a natural expression for pain.  Use soft tissues, and don’t punish yourself for having real human emotions.  Give yourself permission to feel, permission to heal, and permission to respond naturally to your pain.  The more you can express your emotions in natural ways, the healthier you are.

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Trauma survivors — you really can help yourself to feel better without bringing more pain and injury to yourself.  The key is to surround yourself with lots of nice, positive moments that help you feel better through the course of the day. Practice self-soothing every single day, especially on painful days.  It will get easier, even when if it doesn’t feel easy or natural to you at first.  You can learn this, and when you do,  it will make a huge difference in your life.

—–

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

July 12, 2010

A Real Unicorn?!!

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 10:21 am by Kathy Broady


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This article is written for the child parts of the DID survivors that read this blog.

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Hey Kids, did you see the news yesterday?  Hmmmm…. probably not, because most kids don’t watch the news.  And because of that, I wanted to make sure to let you know about something I saw in the news that might interest you.

Look!  Look!   They found something that looks like a real unicorn!!

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The Unicorn Found in Italy

 

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If you look here, you will find the video that talks more about it, and shows more pictures of it walking around in its natural forest home.  This little unicorn guy was found in Italy, and I think he is being protected and tended to very carefully.  That’s good, because there aren’t very many unicorns in the world!  :)

What do you think it is?
Is it a real unicorn?
Is it a deericorn?
Maybe it’s a unideer. :)

Whatever it is, it is very cool!!!

Do you ever think about unicorns?
Do you have coloring books with unicorns in them?
What would you do if you saw a real unicorn?

And if you don’t like unicorns, what is your favorite animal?

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Now I realize this little deer only looks like a unicorn, but so many kid parts talk about like unicorns that I just had to share it for everyone to see.

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And for the older parts of the dissociative systems, it really is ok to let your child parts experience some of the positive wonders of the world.  It is ok to let your child parts play, and to let them enjoy experiences.  Simple pleasures like chocolate shakes, or yo-yo’s, or puzzle games, or teddy bears, or soccer balls can go a long ways in connecting with your child parts.

If you have dissociative identity disorder (DID / MPD), your childhood was most likely interrupted by too much pain, grief, loss, trauma, betrayal, neglect, and hurt.  As a child, your play times would have been few and far between, and you would have often felt too sad or hurt to play.  Dissociative skills, dissociative walls, and dissociative amnesia could have separated some of the effects of the trauma from your awareness, but in all the years I have been working with multiples, I have never yet had any dissociative survivor tell me that she or he had lots of fun and play times as a child.

This is a very sad statement because having carefree playtime is a normal childhood need.  It is actually important to proper growth and development.  To miss out on playtime as a child means to have unmet needs.

To help meet some of those unmet needs, it is ok, and even therapeutically important to let your child parts have fun.  Let them play.  Let them enjoy some carefree activities.  Let them learn how to have good times.

Even if you are an adult, it is not too late to let your kids have fun.  Play is a normal part of growing up, and if this was stolen from you, letting your child parts play in the current day will help with your overall healing and sense of well being.

Giving your child parts the chance to play in the here and now is a corrective emotional experience for them.  Corrective emotional experiences are experiences in the current day that help to correct the wrongs and fill the voids that were left after a childhood full of trauma and neglect.  Corrective emotional experiences allow for healing, growth, and positive movement.

So go find a unicorn!
Go to a baseball game!
Watch a few cartoons!
Draw in your coloring books!

:) :) :) :) :)

Play, have fun, and enjoy life for awhile!
Your whole system will feel better for it.

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation

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