February 24, 2013
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Stories for Child Insiders, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged Absence of Quiet, Chaos, Creating a safe place, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Doris, feeling safe, good neighbors, good neighbours, Healing Process, Horses, Internal Safety, Internal System, Kathy Broady, Morris, Neighborhood Safety, Neighbors, no drama, Peace, Quiet, Safe Neighbors, Safe Places, Safety, Stability, Trauma Survivors, turmoil at 12:00 pm by Kathy Broady
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Hello everyone,
Here is Doris and Morris. Of course.
Doris and Morris are the very best neighbors I have ever had. A horse, of course!
Doris is the pretty chestnut mare, and Morris is the beautiful black gelding.
Doris is younger, and spunky, and she happily canters over every afternoon for her very favorite treat — pieces of bread. Bread, bread, bread! Doris could eat a whole loaf of bread every single day. She also likes oatmeal, fresh grass, handfuls of hay, and chasing cows. Doris talks a lot — she creates a constant stream of pretty pony sounds every time she visits, proudly announcing her presence. Oh, and Doris the horse likes to run, of course!
Morris is an older, gentler soul. His knees are sore, so he walks over gingerly, lagging behind Doris. Morris likes hugs and brushings, and he will stand snuggled up close with his kind heart for as long as you’ll stand beside him. Even though feisty Doris sticks her nose out in front a lot of the time, snatching up as many treats as she can grab, Morris is still the boss, and he happily gives her a quick nip when she gets too pushy. Morris likes bread and oatmeal too, of course, but Ritz crackers, strawberries, and Granny Smith apples are special treats for him since silly ol’ Doris turns her nose away at those tasty nibbles.
Doris! Don’t get so pushy, Pushy!
Doris and Morris are particularly good neighbors. They don’t make any annoying noises. They don’t intrude on my space. They make no complaints. They are happy to come and visit, but they are willing to go on their way as well. They don’t spread gossip, and they don’t talk bad about me behind my back. They don’t stare, they don’t impose, they don’t do any damage, they don’t make any messes. Doris and Morris are just good company.
It’s hard to find good neighbors. And I really appreciate good neighbors.
What are your neighbors like? Are you fortunate enough to have good neighbors?
Have you had some difficult neighbors in the past?
Having good neighbors is important for everyone, of course, but for survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder, having good neighbors is particularly important. DID survivors need to feel safe where they live, and to not feel afraid, angry, or upset or confused by the people that live near them. Most trauma survivors have had far too many years of living near difficult people.
Healing from a childhood filled chaos requires stability. Calm. Quiet. No unnecessary dramas.
A big part of the healing process for trauma survivors is finding, creating, and maintaining a peaceful environment here-and-now in the current day. You need space to heal. Room to breathe. A place to rest. An area where you don’t have to look over your shoulder every few seconds.
So yes, where you live is fundamental to the kind of lifestyle you can have. Who your neighbors are matters. The absence of ongoing conflict is important. Having a place to unwind, relax, feel comfortable, and feel safe is essential.
Creating a safe inside world starts by experiencing a safe place in the outside world. For many DID survivors, living with a feeling of safety is a completely new concept. You might have to learn what safety is. The sooner, the better.
True enough, you can’t control the safety of most places in the external world, but your home is your own. It’s your space. You can’t change the craziness of the past, but as an adult, you can do something about now, the here-and-now. Safety for your whole internal system starts with making good decisions about your immediate worlds. It’s truly important to create your own personal safe places.
Do you live in a safe home?
Do you have good neighbors?
I certainly hope so. If not, what can you do about that?
I wish you all the very best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
and Doris and Morris too
Copywrite 2008 – 2013 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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June 17, 2012
Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Physical Abuse, Self Injury, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged Abandonment, Abuse, Addictions, Anger, Anxiety, Body Memories, Child Abuse, Childhood rules, Depression, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family rules, Father Issues, Father's Day 2012, Fathers, Fathers as Perpetrators, Fathers that abandon their children, Fathers who are abusive, Fear, Flashbacks, Happy Father's Day, Healing, Internal Systems, Kathy Broady, Making your own decisions, Painful, Perpetrators, Physical Abuse, Saying No, Self Destruction, Self Esteem, sexual abuse, splitting, Splitting Process, Trauma Survivors at 10:44 am by Kathy Broady
It’s Father’s Day, 2012.
Fathers. Fathers are as difficult a topic for dissociative trauma survivors as mothers.
I decided I would recognize this day by writing briefly about a few of the common but complicated topics connected to fathers.
I can feel the shuddering going on already.
How difficult are these situations for you?
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A. Saying no to your father
According to childhood rules, it’s really not allowed, typically, for DID survivors to even consider saying no to their father. It’s a scary topic. This is a “rule” that gets taught very early on, and takes years of time to challenge. All too often, this very idea is tied to trauma, and abuse, and a whole lot of fear.
And yet, it really is okay, especially as you become an adult yourself, to make your own decisions about your life, and about what you’ll do (or not do). The older you are, the less say-so that your father should have in terms of making the rules for your life. Easily said, but oh so very difficult to do, especially if you have the type of father that doesn’t want to relinquish that position of power and authority.
But still, your life belongs to you, and at some point, it really is okay to claim that for yourself. You don’t have to believe what your father believed. You don’t have to spend your life following his rules or his directions. You don’t have to put his teachings above what you want to decide for yourself. It is okay, and important, for you to become your own person, and to establish your own sense of self separate from your father. To do this, means that at some point in time, you will likely have to say “No” to your father and his preferences.
For many trauma survivors, the healing process is very dependent on you gaining more separation from your father, and being able to make decisions about your life based on what you think, not on what your father thinks.
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B. Having an Abusive Father
What about the trauma survivors whose fathers were their perpetrators?
What is your father is still one of your perpetrators?
Boy oh boy, it’s very difficult to think anything positive about Father’s Day when your father was (or is) one of your abusers. It becomes a day of pain, heartache, body memories, flashbacks, fear, and anxiety. Trauma city!
Being hurt, betrayed, and abused by either of your parents creates some of the deepest wounds, and some of the deepest splits within the dissociative system. There will often be parts in your system that completely agreed with and supported and even helped the father carry out abuse to various people in your system. There will be others in your system that were and probably still are terrified of the father. There will be others in your system that have absolutely no awareness of any abuse done by the father, and will defend his innocence with a vengeance. There could be others in your system that don’t even know that the father was their father – they will see him as some generic “man” that hurt them. There could also be others in your system that only remember the father as a good man, a decent person, a fun and caring person, a good man in the community, and any other variety of being good, just, and kind.
Having such extreme and varied views and experiences with the father creates a ton of internal conflict, making the necessity of splitting into different selves much more understandable. Having different parts, each containing their own experiences, and then keeping these parts separated from each other, is often an effort to minimize the turmoil caused by loving / hating / fearing / admiring the same person. It makes sense. How else would someone manage all the extremes?
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C. Being Abandoned by your Father
What about the fathers that simply abandoned their children?
This is a painful topic as well. It leads to feelings of nothingness, low self-esteem, anger, self-destruction, and confusion. Not having a father creates a hole in the heart – an emptiness that just doesn’t go away. To become used to this emptiness can create a type of apathy towards people that can lead to other types of problems in life and relationships. It can lead to addictive behaviors – drinking, drugging, sexual promiscuity – and any other behavior that tries to mask pain with impulsive “I want to feel good” options.
It’s almost impossible to understand how a father could leave you without struggling with thoughts about “am I bad?” or “it must be my fault” or “I made him go away”. Children internalize blame onto themselves, and many dissociative survivors grow far into adulthood before becoming able to shift this responsibility back onto the father instead of absorbing it into themselves. Not taking the blame for your father’s poor behavior is an important task in the healing journey.
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Father issues are not simple, and yet, very often, for trauma survivors, sorting out your father issues are very central to your healing. It’s difficult to understand or choose or create healthy family relationships when your whole life experience has been with a dysfunctional or abusive father. Fathers, even the absentee fathers, are very prominent in shaping your very sense of yourself. Your father isn’t nobody. He has had some very significant impact on your life.
When you were a child, you had very little say so about that.
Now, when you are older, and more adult, and more resourceful for yourself, now you can make new decisions that can redefine that relationship and its impact on you and your life, and the lives of your insiders.
Even if it is scary to address these topics, for your own healing, your health, and your well-being, it’s essential that you do.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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April 22, 2012
Posted in Compulsive Hoarding, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Hoarding, mental health tagged Angry, Anxiety, Attachment, Attachment Issues, Boundaries, Breaking boundaries, cleaning house, Compulsive Hoarding, Depression, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Disaster Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Don't Touch My Stuff!, Emotional Freedom, emotional pain, Emotional Protection, Estate Sales, Flood Victims, Floods, Garage Sales, Hoarders, Hoarding, Hoarding on A&E, Hoarding: Buried Alive, Invasion of Boundaries, Isolation, Kathy Broady, Lack of privacy, letting go, Liquidation, Losing everything, Memories, Privacy, Professional Organizers, Remembering, selling your things, Stress, Throw out the trash, Tornado Survivors, Trauma Survivors, Violations at 6:16 pm by Kathy Broady
Through the years, some of the most popular articles of the Discussing Dissociation blog has been about compulsive hoarding: Compulsive Hoarding and Dissociative Disorders and Land of the Free?
I can’t explain their popularity on this blog, other than the way a rash of television programs have increased the awareness of the complications about hoarding. However, hoarding issues are typically accompanied by extreme anxiety, depression, isolation, family conflict, self-hatred, chaotic thinking, eating disorders and other problems also common with DID / MPD / trauma survivors. Many emotional struggles are certainly not limited to the Dissociative population. Hoarding is probably one of those disorders that the Dissociative community can potentially share with thousands of people more suited to other mental health communities.
It appears that hoarding is a much bigger issue than once officially recognized. As a social worker who has done many home visits over a span of 25 years, I can say that I have seen hoarding issues repeatedly and yes, in my experience, hoarding is a consistent theme within various mental health populations, including dissociative trauma survivors.
How do we address these issues?
Does the professional “helping” community understand the depths of what is involved?
Do the mental health professionals really know what is needed?
On the various Hoarders shows that I’ve watched on television (such as “Hoarders” on A&E, and “Hoarding: Buried Alive” on TLC), most of these processes are expected to be completed within a matter of a few short days. The interventions are quick, intense, and highly dramatic. The hoarders have obvious struggles, and the gains made in their homes and living situations are typically significant and impressive, even if only one or two rooms demonstrate the successful changes.
Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about the groups of people that experience the anxiety, stress, distress, personal gains, relief, and emotional freedom from having professional organizers empty their houses. There are many groups of people, in addition to the hoarder community, that may require assistance in emptying or reducing the amount of items located within a specific property or home. These issues could surface in extremity, for example, after someone dies (especially when there is no one to inherit the stuff), or during a divorce settlement, or after a bankruptcy, or prior to moving to new home, or downsizing from a large home to a small home, or for any other reason people may decide to liquidate their possessions.
To me, just cleaning out a messy closet is a big job! Emptying, or organizing an entire property is an enormous job! It’s an overwhelmingly huge job.
Recently, I hired some professional sales assistants to help me to downsize / sell many of the items from my home / office in order to prepare for a new phase of my life. My children are grown up, and each has moved into their own homes as adults, giving me all kinds of options for what to do with the physical space that lives around me. I don’t particularly like the “empty nest” phrase, and yet for the first time in dozens of years, I have more freedom to do whatever I want to do, wherever I decide to do it. It’s exciting, and yet very weird feeling all at the same time. That’s all a long story, of course, and it has taken several months (years?!!) of hard work to sort through those kinds of things, including what to do with all the leftover “stuff” that everyone has grown out of.
I took weeks of time to pull out the cherished treasures I wanted to keep, and then left the rest for the organizers to pick through, and to present in the way they created a sale for the masses of people they invited to come dig through my things. As much as I thought I had already selected my most important items, it was never that easy, or that clear.
“Wait! Wait! Maybe I want to keep THAT afterall!”
Or, “Wait! Where did you find that? I didn’t SEE that before. Give me that back!”
Or another rough part was seeing my things just tossed in the trash. Can you believe that my favorite coffee cup ended up in the trash?!! My FAVORITE one! I thought I was going to have a melt down right then and there!
Breathe, Kathy, breathe!
Count to 10.
Ok, count to 100, lol.
The whole process was not anywhere near as fun as I had thought it might be.
In fact, it wasn’t fun at all.
It was really painful and horrible, to say the least.
And I chose to do it. It wasn’t forced upon me. It was MY IDEA. ( yeesh, lol).
This changing, transitional experience has been much more complicated and emotional than I ever expected it to be, giving me all kinds of fodder for blog articles, and a much deeper understanding of the intensity felt by hoarders as they go through their housing changes. Even though I had lots of time to prepare prior to my professional organizers arriving, and I was not forced into making these decisions in any way at all, I found myself having far more struggles, and feeling intense emotional turmoil, and frequently overwhelmed with memories (both good and bad) while sorting through the rooms of stuff. Wow. Yeeesh. Gee Whillakers! Jiminy Crickets!! It was a much more difficult experience than I would have ever imagined it would be.
One thing is for sure. For any television production company to expect to go through and toss away / give away 80 – 90 % of a hoarders belongings over a period of just a few days is just ridiculously cruel. Most people — especially those that tend to be collectors in the first place — are not ready to let go with that much finality that quickly, or that easily. There is no wonder the hoarders on the television shows have so many emotional outbursts – the whole process is set up exactly to create that kind of emotional conflict within them. I suppose that makes for interesting television, but it is not very kind to the hoarder.
My experience of working with professional organizers also reminded me of some of the stories I have heard over and over from many of my clients with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID / MPD). Let me ask you a few questions. Can you relate to any of these experiences?
As children or teenagers, or even as adults, have you felt violated when your parents or caregivers or family members rifled through your belongings without your permission to do so?
How invasive did it feel to have people touching your things when they were not invited to do so?
How powerless did you feel to see this, and to know you couldn’t stop it from happening?
How did this affect your personal boundaries?
How did it affect your ability to feel like something – anything – belonged to you, and to only you?
How did it affect your privacy, or lack of having any privacy?
When your boundaries were disrespected and exploited, what did you to do cope with the feelings you had?
With whatever trauma and / or neglect you experienced in your life, did you develop a greater attachment and emotional connection to physical items and personal items as a way to bond with something / anything? Or did the repeated violations leave you distanced and unattached to your personal items, able to easily walk off, staying coldly disconnected and apathetic to having anything of your own?
How would you feel if someone took your things from you? Or if someone threw your favorite items in the trash? Or if someone broke an item that you cherished? Would you have an anxiety attack? Would you be angry? Would you withdraw inside, crashing into depression? Would you find yourself switching from insider person to insider person?
Does it feel good and more under your own control to keep the amount of your personal belongings to a minimum? Does that feel safer for you, or does that feel like deprivation? Do you prefer to have bunches of things, feeling safer being surrounded by stuff? Does having layers of stuff feel like layers of protection?
How do victims of floods, fires, tornadoes, and earthquakes, or other natural disasters feel after suddenly losing all of their stuff? Even if they evacuated with a few things, how would it feel to lose so much, so quickly?
It is interesting to explore these questions with yourself. If you aren’t sure what some of the answers would be, try creating the situation, and let yourself experience it first hand. Experience having someone else / something else take your cherished items from you. Chances are, many of you reading this blog have already experienced these situations in your life. But if you haven’t experienced this, don’t judge other people’s reactions and their big feelings about having “house invaders” mess with their things. These experiences are a lot more difficult than you might have ever realized.
It certainly was for me.
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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January 29, 2012
Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Domestic Violence, Maggies, Mind Control, Physical Abuse, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Ritual Abuse, sexual abuse, Trauma tagged Attacks of Violence, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Groups of Perpetrators, Kathy Broady, Mother Nature, Perpetrators, Protection of others, Sadistic Abuse, Sadistic criminals, Understanding perpetrators, Victimization by Perpetration, Victimized, Victims of Abuse at 4:44 am by Kathy Broady
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*** This is a difficult post and it is meant for your older parts. Please note — it could be triggering to many within your system. Please check this article with your internal leaders before letting your littles or sensitive ones read any further. Thanks, Kathy. ***
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Recently, I witnessed a fight between some wild animals that was particularly upsetting to see. There is no need to go into great detail about the actual situation. I can speak about it in sweeping statements and you will get more than enough picture of the situation from there.
The long and the short of it was that a rather large group of critters (yes, they were birds) were picking on one particular bird to the point that it appeared that it could be a fatal situation for the one very unfortunate bird. Talk about outnumbered! It was just really really not ok to hear or see. It was particularly disturbing and very upsetting.
At first I wondered about what to do – somewhat fearing for my own safety if I got involved – but I really was not comfortable not interrupting the attack in some way, somehow. I hesitated for a brief while, knowing that Mother Nature and wild animals do what they do and wondering if maybe I should just respect that. But I could hear it and I could see it, and I just couldn’t not do anything. It was just too upsetting to not act somehow.
So I darted across the street, running in the direction of the mob of birds. I didn’t know what I would do when I got there, I just knew I had to do something.
Lucky for me, my running at them was more than enough to disturb the birds and interrupt their horrible attack. All the birds, including the one being picked on, flew away and left the area in a big hurry.
Thank goodness.
I mean really, thank goodness.
I was so relieved that the ordeal was at least over for that moment. I knew the group of birds could attack the injured bird again, another time, and in another place, but I was so very thankful that it had at least been stopped at that time. I could at least hope that I had stopped it completely.
There was no way of me knowing how injured the victim bird was since he flew off and away when everyone else did. I can only hope that I interfered quickly enough that he didn’t get very badly hurt.
I’ve been watching for an injured bird, but I haven’t seen one. I don’t know if that is good news or not. And I don’t know what injured birds do when they are hurt, so I don’t know if I would see one or not. I don’t know whether to be relieved, or whether to worry more. I just don’t have the answers to this situation.
But boy, oh boy, was this an emotional situation for me. I found the whole experience to be incredibly upsetting. I was tearful. I was afraid. I was worried. I was brave. I had all kinds of emotions going on throughout the whole day.
And again, the parallels of this situation to the lives of dissociative trauma survivors are many and layered.
First of all, I think that nearly every DID survivor that I have spoken to has told me of horrific situations where they were the one targeted victim being attacked by a group of perpetrators. Even if there was only one main perpetrator, there were other people around, watching and / or supporting the perpetrator and not helping the person being hurt.
This is just soooooo not ok.
It is just so wrong for groups of anyone to gang up against one person, purposefully hurting them, doing terrible things to them.
It can be just as wrong for anyone to witness such crimes and to not step in and help the person(s) being hurt. Granted, this is very much a gray area since there are a number of complicated factors involved when it comes to interrupting and stopping violence. At this point, my comments are directed specifically towards those who really could have the ability to stop or interfere with the abuse, and simply choose not to.
I can’t even come up with enough words to describe how wrong these things are.
I couldn’t tolerate watching a bird being injured. How on earth do perpetrators tolerate watching a person getting hurt, especially a little person?
I just don’t understand that.
Not one tiny bit do I understand that.
*** Please note – in these comments, I am not referring to the situations where someone is forced to perpetrate when they don’t want to. There is a kind of victimization / abuse where dominant perpetrator abusers force others in a less powerful position to do abusive acts to others. I call this situation victimization by perpetration. Most DID survivors have experienced this situation too, and please know, that my comments today are not in reference to those very difficult and equally horrible situations. ***
I am talking about the abuser types that are truly sadistic and hurtful, completely by choice. I’m referring to situations where the perpetrator does not have to hurt anyone, but they simply want to and choose to because they like it and enjoy it.
THAT is what I don’t understand.
What does it take in someone to be truly sadistic? How does this happen? How can those abusive violent people live with themselves? Where is their compassion? Why do they have no compassion or kindness?
I know there are intellectual answers to those questions, but my thoughts are based on more of an emotional and spiritual level.
I just don’t get it.
Do you?
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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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January 22, 2012
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Maggies, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged Aggressive, Aggressive Personalities, Building Trust, Bullies, Bullying, Crows, Dealing with bullies, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, DID System Work, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Internal System Work, Kathy Broady, magpies, Protecting your Child Parts, Scary Behavior, Stories about birds, Surviving Trauma, System Work, What to do about bullying at 6:28 pm by Kathy Broady
Continuing on with the magpie stories, I’m pleased to tell you about another interesting magpie.
Please note – I am not an expert on magpies by any means. I write stories based only on my personal observations and personal experiences with the birds themselves. I really know nothing about them!
Also, please note – this story has a few sections that could be upsetting for young readers. Please let your older ones read first, and decide after that if you want your littles to read it on their own.
Ok, on to the maggie tales…
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As I spent interacting time with the young maggie babies, I gradually noticed a few other birds that hung around as well. One of the first and most obvious birds was a bigger, closer to full-grown magpie bird.
In fact, this adult maggie was around so much that I began to wonder if she was the momma maggie. And then I noticed that according to the coloring of its feathers, that this big bird was likely a male bird, so I wondered if he was the daddy maggie. Either which way, I initially assumed that this adult looking pie was likely a parental type to some of the many younger pies that stayed close, always warbling with their pretty songs. I had observed several of adults birds taking the time to feed their young from the treats that I provided, and I guessed this big bird was just parenting in his own style.
But there was something different about this bigger bird. I knew that the younger pie babies were very cautious of him. Some were obviously scared of him. The little pies would either fly away, or stay much further away, or sit very still and fade into the background whenever the big bird swooped into the balcony area. And if the big guy wanted the snack, he got it. The younger pies clearly knew to give the older pie the right of way immediately. No questions asked.
To my surprise, if any of the younger pies were a little too slow in moving out of his way, this big bully bird would charge directly at them, flap his wings fast with aggression, squawk loudly, and do whatever he needed to do to clear the others away as quickly as possible. Sometimes he flew at them like a speeding maggie torpedo. Other times he would land on the balcony and act like he completely owned the space, all puffed and fluffed with his aggressive nature.
I don’t know how the little pies could hear – sense (?) – feel (?) when this big bully pie was flying into our little nibbling corner. I very often didn’t even realize the Big Boy was nearby until the groups of little ones suddenly scattered off in a big noisy flurry of flapping wings.
Just by flying in my direction, Bully Bird was able to send the others packing off, practically clearing out the entire area for himself in just a matter of seconds.
At first, my response was to also be immediately cautious and respectful of this incoming fast-swooping bird. I knew that magpies could be vicious with their beaks, and his size and strength and speed were not something I wanted to mess around with. I was irritated that he kept interrupting my tea parties with the young pies. I was not at all happy about his mean bully ways. You could say that I was scared of him too. I certainly was not quick to hand-feed this guy! I kept my distance and made slow gentle moves when he was near, trying to soothe the little pies, saying it would be ok, and they’d still get their treats once this Bully Bird moved on down the road.
Then one day, an observation made by my friend made all the difference in the world.
While Bully Bird and I were being very cautious of each other, my friend, who was watching from the side, noticed that Bully Bird had a very unusual condition.
I had to move to the other side to see, but I looked closely, and then I saw it too. And what I saw changed everything for me.
With a close look at Bully Bird, we could see that he had somehow, somewhere, lost one of his eyes. Mr. Bully Bird was a one-eyed pie! He couldn’t see anything on the one side of his head, nor was there any hope that he would ever be able to regain the sight on that side of his head.
In that instant, my feelings towards Bully Bird changed completely. I realized he was struggling to survive just like the little younger pies were doing. I also realized he had a life-long disadvantage that kept him needing extra care and attention. And, I realized that he was in more danger and had more life difficulties than I had ever imagined.
I changed my approach to my One-Eyed Pie (including changing the name I called him), and began to make sure that he had extra food tossed in his direction. He immediately became a priority to me, and I was quick to make sure to reward him with some treat of some kind whenever he showed up.
I told the other little pies that we needed to try to become friends with One-Eyed Pie, and to help him since he had clearly had some very difficult times in his life.
Gradually, One-Eyed Pie began to trust me. He let me inch closer and closer to him, and eventually, he inched closer to me as well. He began to take his treats from my hand. He was certainly more cautious about this process than most of the other pies. While trying to decide if he could trust me, he had to also keep turning his head all around to look around to make sure no one else was going to swoop on him. The local groups of aggressive crows were notorious for taking food from the magpies, and the crows were easily double in size of even the largest of pies. One-Eyed Pie was smart to be careful. To look at me, and to look at the food I was offering him meant that he couldn’t be looking out in the world to protect himself from other predators. He was taking a big risk just to get close to me.
Once I was able to stand close to One-Eyed Pie, I realized that he had survived more than his painful eye injury. He had all kinds of scars around his head, especially on the top of his head. Clearly, this bird had seen some rough days. His wounds were all healed, so they were not recent, but the scars were going to be with him for life. New feathers did not grow through the scar tissue.
One-Eyed Pie and I began to talk every day, and usually more than once a day. We were becoming friends, and he was becoming much more comfortable with me. The more I saw him, the more I could see how beautiful he was.
Instead of snatching the food from me in a rushed hurry, he began to take his time, and nibble bits and pieces with comfort and ease. He still watched for the crows, but he was not stressing when I was near him.
I also noticed something else. As One-Eyed Pie and I became friends, his behavior towards the other younger pies improved drastically. He knew that he was going to be treated with respect from me, and he stopped bullying the babies. He stopped being so aggressive towards the other little ones and no longer charged them. The little maggies were able to sit closer to him, and they were able to come closer to me while he was around. One-Eyed Pie was fitting in more with the group.
Once he was seen for who he really was, and once his needs were more accurately met, One-Eyed Pie stopped acting like a bully.
Amazing. And how exciting to see this transformation happen right before my eyes.
One-Eyed Pie is a great magpie. He’s truly beautiful. Strong. Brave. And wonderful. He’s earned my respect, and he is a bird I will never forget.
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The parallels of this story for DID survivors is obvious and layered.
First of all, I have never met a DID system that did not have at least one bully / aggressive part. Even if hidden deep inside, or kept in the background, or kept separate from outside interactions, these mean insiders are typically very active within the internal system.
The bully-type insiders typically carry a lot of weight around the younger parts, typically intimidating them and bossing them around. Sometimes these bully parts actually hurt the others inside.
And, in my experience, all bully parts within the DID system have had their own trauma history, even if they don’t want to admit that for the longest time. They will typically hide the fact that they have been hurt in the past, but once you gain their trust, you will be able to find out more about how they were hurt, when, where, etc.
Once you are aware of them, the bully parts need to become your priority. They will need your time, your attention, your patience, and your understanding. These parts are extremely important in your system, and the more you work to get to know them, the better. They can fit nicely within your group, but you will have to work at that.
The rewards of gaining the trust of your bully parts are enormous. Gaining their cooperation and friendship will bring a level of strength and peace into your system that you will not expect, or regret.
Get to know your bullies. They are worth it.
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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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January 13, 2012
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Online Therapy, Therapy and Counseling, trauma therapist tagged 2011 in Review, Blog Review, DID Survivors, Discussing Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, How many readers?, How many visitors?, Kathy Broady, Louvre Museum, Thank you for reading! at 7:36 pm by Kathy Broady
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 110,000 times in 2011. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 5 days for that many people to see it.
Click here to see the complete report.
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January 10, 2012
Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Maggies, Stories for Child Insiders tagged bird rescue, bird stories, birds, Child Parts, Child parts with DID, Courage, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Trauma Survivor, foot injuries, hand-feeding birds, helping birds, Inside Kids, Kathy Broady, magpies, pet pig, pet racoon, stories for the kids, Survival, Trust, Walks Inside at 12:19 am by Kathy Broady
I do have some short little stories I would like to share that are on the fun side.
Animals have always been very important to me, and for most years of my life, I have had a variety of pets – lots of cats, dogs, horses – and when I was little I had a pet raccoon called Petunia, a pet pig called Snorkie, and a pet calf called Grassyhopper. I would be writing for a very long time if I started through the list of critters that have been my best friends through all the years!
This year I made some brand new critter-buddies — I met a tiding of magpies. (Tiding… hmmm, that’s a very odd word. It reminds me of tidy, and believe me, magpies are not exactly tidy!!!) Magpies – to me – are a group of birds that are now affectionately known as Maggies, or Maggie Babies, or Baby Pies, or simply just “Pie”!!
I’ve not had much to do with birds prior to this year, so meeting and enjoying birds has been a fun, new adventure for me. My maggie babies have been a nice surprise. I didn’t know that birds had as much personality as they do!
Maggies look very similar to each other, and even though I have the incredible experience of having a close personal look at as many as 16 birds surrounding me within arm’s reach at a single time, it’s still hard to tell them apart. However, I have been able to distinguish a few of them from each other. Today, I want to introduce you to one of them – a small little maggie girl named Walks Inside.
Walks Inside distinguished herself by her willingness to walk right inside the balcony door. The other maggies stayed grouped together out on the balcony, singing their greetings from the sunny outdoors, but little Walks Inside preferred to walk right inside the house, having a little peek here and there all by herself. Her trusting nature seemed odd, but I welcomed her friendliness. She liked to eat her treats at least twice a day, she definitely preferred being hand-fed, and I fancied believing that she enjoyed the individual attention she got by visiting me all on her own.
One day, Walks Inside was walking different. Actually, she was limping, or more accurately, she was painfully hopping on one foot, barely walking at all. Somehow, somewhere, she had gotten her delicate left foot tangled and wrapped in loops and loops of fishing line. She clearly had been pulling and tugging and pulling and tugging at the unbreakable line with absolutely no success at freeing herself from its ever tightening hold. From a distance, I watched her peck and pull at the line, clearly confused and struggling.
The amount of looping line around her foot made this a very dangerous and life-threatening situation for little Walks Inside. She could have easily got the loops caught in trees or bushes or on any other jagged, hooking edge. If that happened, she would be stuck there, like a small feathered prisoner, unable to fly away from danger unless she was found and assisted with regaining her freedom.
Once I became aware of this predicament, I watched especially closely for Walks Inside. Many times, everyday I looked to see her. I was worried for her and I wanted to make sure she was still ok.
My friend and I knew that something had to be done before Walks Inside got caught somewhere, or before she lost her foot, and before any other tragic end would come to her beautiful little self. We thought and thought, and finally made a plan.
It took several tries and re-thinking of our process for our plan to work. Since Walks Inside already knew how to make herself at home by walking right inside the house, I purposefully gave her treats to invite her even further and further inside the house. I wanted her to come inside far enough that we could gently shut the door behind her, and then work on plan B – somehow catching her so I could carefully remove the line from her foot.
Walks Inside had been happy to eat treats from my hand in the kitchen, but she really wasn’t so sure about those moving doors! She would quickly hop and fly away when the doors misbehaved to her disliking. Apparently, Walks Inside didn’t have any intentions of being a long-term houseguest!
But we knew we needed to catch her inside if we were going to be able to help her, so we tried again, and again.
Eventually we did it! Once she was inside, she tried to fly out a window, and my friend was able to catch her gently with a towel. We made sure she was sitting comfortably within her towel, and my friend held her in one place while I worked at freeing her little tiny leg from the layers of fishing line.
Little Walks Inside was amazingly calm during all this. I expected she would be fearful, and upset, and that she would try to fly away, but she did not show any of that. She sat calmly, snuggled in her towel, looked right at me, and acted like getting a pedicure (a birdie-cure? Or a pedi-claw?) was an everyday event for a bird.
The fishing line was truly wrapped and knotted and looped and layered all along her left leg. She was getting wounds already, and it was blaringly obvious that little Walks Inside would have never ever be able to tug the line off by herself.
It seemed like forever, but it probably took a solid 10-15 minutes to ever-so-carefully remove all the bits of the clear, nearly invisible fishing line tangled around all the claws of her feet and to pull it out of the wrinkled skin of her tiny little bird legs. Walks Inside was very patient. She seemed to know we were helping her and not bringing her harm.
Finally — success! All the bits of fishing line had dropped to the floor and her foot and leg were totally free and clear of any trouble. As quickly as possible, we took her back out to the balcony so she could fly off on her own and enjoy her newly reclaimed freedom.
I worried that the ordeal may have scared her so much that I wouldn’t see her again, but in less than 15 minutes, she was back on the balcony, saying hello again, happily snatching another treat from my hand. She was still limping with her sore foot, and holding it tucked up close to her tummy, but she was able to ever so gingerly stand on it with the toes of her foot stretched out properly instead of being all caught up in a tangled ball of fishing line.
Again I watched for her, and over the next few days, Walks Inside limped and favored her foot, but she was clearly getting better and better, and healing up well.
Now none of the maggie birds that visit me have a limp. The word of easy pickings for bird treats has apparently spread around the neighborhood and several of my pies have also learned to walk inside the house. It is fun, seeing a little community develop. I actually have quite a few maggie stories that I could share!
But what is the moral of this story for dissociative trauma survivors?
To me, it is a story of courage, and having a willingness to trust. It is a story of a brave little bird who risked letting someone very different from her help her with her wounds. It is a story of appreciation and gratitude because little Walks Inside came back again and again, bringing joy and happiness with each of her visits. It is a story of survival and a willingness to live, even when facing life-threatening situations. It is the story of how a tiny little bird can have such a beautiful impact on people’s lives.
We can learn a lot from maggies!
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Copyright © 2008-2012 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
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December 21, 2010
Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Ritual Abuse, Trauma tagged AbuseConsultants.com, Compassion, Current-day Safety, Dallas TX, Darkness, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Survivors, emotional pain, Empathy, Freedom, Full Moon, Healing from Ritual Abuse, Kathy Broady, Longest Night of the Year, Lunar Eclipse, Moon, Picturing Dissociative Identity Disorder, RA, Ritual Abuse, Ritually Abused, Sadness, Safety, Safety from Abuse, Safety from Perpetrators, Season Change, Shortest Day of the Year, Spiritually Abused, The Dark Day, Trauma Survivors, Winter Solstice at 10:39 pm by Kathy Broady
Well…. it’s December 21, 2010. Although the weather here in Dallas was nearly 80 degrees Fahrenheit today, this is the official first day of winter. It’s the Winter Solstice and on top of that, last night was the lunar eclipse. Did anyone see that? If you can actually enjoy the moon, it was pretty cool to see.
However, late last night while I was standing alone outside, quietly looking at the lunar eclipse, I could appreciate the beauty with my eyes, but my heart was feeling a sadness and heaviness for the other things that were happening in other parts of the world.
Winter Solstice represents a day of darkness that is full of trauma for too many dissociative trauma survivors. The night was far too scary, far too difficult, far too dark, far too long.
Many of you know what I am speaking of and I don’t have to go into the gory details for you to know the pain and anguish you have probably already been feeling all day.
If this kind of history applies to you, I am sorry that you had to experience such horrible atrocities in your lifetime. I can promise you it was not right nor good nor ok that you were required to participate in such darkness.
I wish the world was not so dark.
I wish that evil didn’t have such a hold on so many people.
I wish that kindness and gentleness could win all wars.
I wish those creeps that enjoy inflicting pain would inflict it on themselves, and leave the rest of us alone.
I wish it was just an ordinary night for you, and not a night of darkness.
I am sorry that you were hurt.
I wish they had never ever showed you any of their darkness.
I hope that you find freedom, safety and a lifetime of distance from their darkness.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
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December 11, 2010
Posted in Child Alters, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Puppies, Therapy Homework Ideas, Transference Issues tagged AbuseConsultants.com, Blaming children, Bulldog puppies, Child Parts, Children are innocent, Dallas TX, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Externalizing Blame, Externalizing Responsibility, Good vs. bad, I am bad, Innocence, Kathy Broady, Multiplicity, Newborn babies, Newborn puppies, Olde English Bulldog, Olde English Bulldogge, Projection, Projection of blame, Puppies, Purity, Transference, Trauma Survivors, Working with child parts, You are not bad at 3:17 pm by Kathy Broady
Hi Everyone –
This post is partly for fun — because you know I just can’t resist sharing more pictures of these puppies — but to be fair, I do have a few thoughts related to trauma issues when I look at these pictures. I am starting to think that I might just have to make a “puppy series”. 
First, let’s do the fun part. The fun part is when I get to show you all another puppy picture. This particular picture is picture of the two oldest puppies sleeping peacefully when they were just a few days old. The little black puppy is a boy, and he is the oldest. We’ve been calling him Dolce (taken from the incredible cologne Dolce & Gabbana). The brown puppy is a girl – you can, of course, tell that she is a girl by her pretty pink toenails — and she was born second. She has a little white diamond shape on her tummy, so we have been calling her Diamond. Plus, there are a number of different perfumes with the word Diamond in the name.
You know how puppies smell so good? We’ve joked about naming each puppy after a cologne or perfume. Maybe having nice-smelling names will help the puppies to not make the house so stinky as they get older!
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Dolce and Diamond, a couple days old. And no, those are not my fancy fingernails, lol
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Aren’t they just adorable?!
Mind you, both of these puppies are considerably bigger this week than they were last week, so I will have to get updated pictures soon. But for now, I wanted to show these pictures to you and make a few comments that are actually related to trauma issues.
What do you think when you see little teeny tiny babies?
Baby puppies or baby kittens, or even baby people are truly amazing to me. When you look at the tiny perfectly formed selves – they are so very little — but everything is there. The purity, the innocence, the newness of life is just so prevalent. These little puppies are alive and well, comfortably sleeping, but completely trusting of and relying upon those around them.
Do you see how sweet and vulnerable these little ones are?
Now, put yourself in the same place that these little puppies are. At one point in time, you were born with as much purity and innocence and newness of life as these puppies were. So many dissociative trauma survivors believe they were born bad. I have heard dozens and dozens of trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder make comments such as “I am bad” or “I was born bad” or “I have always been bad”. But how can this possibly be true? How can this be true for any of you?
Have another look at the innocence of the newly born. When you see the truly young, you can see how genuinely innocent they are.
I’m sure that most of you can see the innocence of these little puppies.
You had that same innocence.
I can hear the arguments already, so I’ll say it again.
Yes, you had the same innocence. You are not inherently bad. You may very well have had a lot of negative, bad, painful experiences in life, but you are not a bad person. You may have had people tell you that you are bad, and you may have begun to believe them at some point in time, but you were truly born as innocent and pure as these little puppies are.
Parents and caretakers are supposed to nurture and care for a child. They are not supposed to convince a young child that he or she is bad. This scars a child in many ways, as so many of you already know. Overcoming the “you are bad” messages takes a great deal of work in the healing process.
The parents and caretakers are making a serious mistake and they are being poor and inadequate parents when they teach their children that the child is bad. It is very wrong to beat this message into a child. The adults are being criminally abusive when they hurt or assault young children in the claim of “you deserved this because you are bad”. Children are not bad.
Children are not bad.
You were not bad.
Your child parts are not bad.
Children are not bad, inside or out.
It is wrong for any parent to blame any child in these ways. This is an error and an inadequacy that belongs to the parents. A parent doing or saying something wrong does not make an accurate description about the worth or value of the child. Parents projecting their poor behavior choices onto a child is about those parents’ projection and a displacement of blame. It is the parents externalizing responsibility instead of owning responsibility for their own behavior. It is the parent blaming someone that is young and innocent, instead of honestly accepting that they are doing something wrong and unacceptable.
For the child parts reading this blog: all those big words mean that you are a good kid. They mean that even if your mommy or daddy told you that you were bad, or that you deserved bad things to happen to you, your mommy and daddy were telling you something that is just not true. I don’t know why your mommy or daddy said those mean things to you, but you are not bad, and no child is ever ever to blame, and none of those bad things were your fault. You are a good child, and that’s that!
Simply put, children are not ever to blame for the inadequate and improper behavior of their parents.
Children are young. Children are tiny. Children are vulnerable.
But they are not bad.
Children have a lot to learn, and they might make little mistakes as they are adventuring out in life. But children are like young puppies who know very little about life. The young of this world are allowed to learn, and they need guidance, gentleness, and care as they make their way in this big cold world.
Please remember, as a child, you were absolutely as innocent and precious and unknowing as the puppies in the picture. And just like these tiny puppies, children should be treated with tenderness and caring so they can grow up to be healthy and happy.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
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December 7, 2010
Posted in Child Alters, Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Puppies, Therapy Homework Ideas tagged Abuse, AbuseConsultants.com, Alone, Anxiety, Anxious, Baby puppies, Betrayal, Comfort, Companion Animals, Companionship, Depression, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Fear of People, Feeling Isolated, Getting enough exercise, Grounding Techniques, Heartbroken, High blood pressure, Hurting, Kathy Broady, loyal companions, man's best friend, Neglected, Neglected Children, Olde English Bulldog, Olde English Bulldogge, Pitbull, Positive self-care, Puppies, Puppies five days old, Puppies one day old, Reducing Stress, Self Care, Sleeping, Social Anxiety, Staying Grounded, Stressed, Stressed out, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thinking, Taking good care of yourself, Therapeutic Service Dogs, Time Distortion, Trauma Survivors, Ways to reduce stress at 11:57 pm by Kathy Broady
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Let sleeping dogs lie….
We’ve all heard the phrase said over and over. It means to leave something the way it is because disturbing it would cause more trouble or additional complications. Fine, fine, fine. Maybe for today, I’ll not address the troublemakers in life. Heaven knows, I’ve run into more than enough of my fair share of dogs that lie…. But ok, I’ll respect the wisdom of the phrase and for now, I will save those spicy little topics for another day.
But there are other sleeping dogs that I am going to mess with right now.
Have a look at these little beauties!
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precious little puppies at five days old
three little brown bulldogs, all girls!
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Aren’t these just the cutest pile of puppies?!!!!
There are seven little ones here, all piled up together. It’s funny to see how they sleep all stacked on each other. It seems they would be a little uncomfortable getting squished like that (would you like to have someone sleeping on your head??!!), but apparently, these little sweeties like the warmth and closeness they feel when being snuggled close to each other. In these pictures, they are just five days old. Their eyes or ears are not yet opened, and they can’t walk or bark.
I’m trying to just let them sleep peacefully… but you know… it’s just absolutely impossible to not pick up these little sweethearts and to enjoy their little super soft squirmy selves for awhile! Besides, the phrase is not “let sleeping puppies lie”!!
There is something about baby puppies, or baby kittens, or baby horses that just makes the heart melt. They just make you feel good! They bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. Spending time with little baby critters is just the most wonderful experience.
Are you feeling depressed? Spending time with a puppy close by your side really can help your depression. The very presence of that tiny little being can lift your spirits.
Are you feeling isolated and alone? A puppy as a companion can become your very best friend. Dogs can get as deeply attached to you as you do to them, and they will show you, repeatedly, how important you are to them and how valuable you are.
Is your heart hurting? A puppy can provide some of the best comfort you’ll ever find. Dogs will snuggle up beside you, they will look deep into your eyes, and their hearts can feel your pain. They will sit with you, and stay beside you, and their warm gentle presence will create a very healing experience.
Have you been betrayed and abused by people? A puppy will grow up to be your most loyal confidant. They truly do live up to the reputation that they are “man’s best friend”. A puppy won’t turn on you or hurt you like people do.
Are you feeling anxious or stressed and do you have high blood pressure? Spending time with a puppy will help you to feel calmer and give you ways to relax, to breathe, and to not feel as intense or upset.
Do you have suicidal tendencies or suicidal ideation? A puppy will give you more reason to live, and more reason to get through those dark moments of time. Your love, care, and concern for your puppy can be strong enough to keep you from killing yourself. Your puppy can help to save your life.
Do you have social anxiety or a fear of people? A puppy will provide a safety barrier for you in public. Dogs will give you an added sense of safety and protection when you are outdoors, and they can become the focus of brief social conversations, giving you something to speak about. Dogs can also become an easy “reason to excuse yourself” if you need to find a way to politely exit a people-scene.
Do you have dissociative identity disorder? A puppy will develop a relationship with each of the people in your system, and your puppy will know and recognize the difference between your different selves. Child parts often hold dear to their pets and puppies, and they are certainly a positive addition to any dissociative trauma survivor’s treatment team
Have you grown up as a neglected child and do you have trouble taking care of yourself? A puppy does not like to be neglected and has to be tended every day. Learning to take care of the needs of a pet can be very helpful in terms of teaching basic life skills such as remembering to eat, learning to meet regular self-care needs, etc.
Do you have trouble staying grounded or do you have issues with time distortion? A puppy can help you to see and remember that you are in the current day, place, and time.
Do you have difficulties getting enough exercise? A puppy can encourage and promote more exercise. Puppies love to play and like to go on walks. Having fun with your puppy will typically require some exercise on your part. What a fun way to exercise!
There are bunches of benefits to having a puppy!
As you can see, absolutely, and without a doubt, therapeutic service dogs and companion animals can make a significant difference in your life.
If you don’t yet have one of your own, have another quick look at these little cuties, and think about the ways that a puppy could improve your quality of life.
seven little puppies sleeping, one day old
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I hope you enjoy your puppy too!
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Copyright © 2008-2010 Kathy Broady LCSW and Discussing Dissociation
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