November 15, 2009
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Friends of Multiples, mental health, Physical Abuse, sexual abuse, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma tagged Abuse, AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Families, Abusive Relationships, Attachment Issues, Attachment to the Perpetrator, DID / MPD, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Garrido, Jaycee Dugard, Jaycee Lee Dugard, Kathy Broady, Kidnapping, Kidnappped, Perpetrators, Phillip Garrido, Registered Sex Offenders, Sadistic Abuse, Sadistic criminals, Sex Offender, Sex Offenders, sexual abuse, Sexually Abused, Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma Bond, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy at 7:53 pm by Kathy Broady
Last night, I saw another television documentary on Jaycee Lee Dugard – the young woman who was kidnapped at age 11, held captive for 18 years, and found alive, along with her two daughters on August 26, 2009.
Jaycee is now 29 years old.
Jaycee spent the past 18 years held captive in the backyard of a registered, violent sex offender, Phillip Garrido. Garrido fathered Jaycee’s two daughters, and has been charged with numerous criminal offenses.
While most of the world was thrilled to see Garrido arrested and locked away into police custody, Jaycee and her girls had different emotional reactions. Initially, when questioned by the authorities, Jaycee was supportive of Garrido, she refused to admit her real identity, and when the facts weren’t adding up, she claimed to be hiding from a fictitious abusive husband that lived in another state. She had chances to tell about her perpetrator, but her first responses were to protect him. Her two daughters cried when they heard Garrido was arrested.
Garrido spent years torturing these young women, but yet they were clearly connected to him.
How can this be?
This dynamic is called Stockholm Syndrome. It is when victims form positive, caring attachments with their violent perpetrators. The more victims have to depend on their perpetrators for their very survival, the more likely the victim will form an attachment to their perpetrator.
The world has been appalled as they heard this story.
But this story is not a new story.
This story happens to many children every day of the year.
Many dissociative trauma survivors have lived a life all too similar to the life that Jaycee lived while with Garrido. As children, most dissociative trauma survivors lived – day after day, year after year – under the strict sadistic control of a sex offender. They were repeatedly sexually abused, many became pregnant, they were given hidden identities and new names, and they were taught bizarre religious beliefs. Many DID survivors were locked and confined in unhealthy places, made to be completely dependent upon their abusers, and the reality of their daily abuse was hidden from the neighbors. It is not at all uncommon for DID survivors to have been sexually involved and sexually controlled by their perpetrators well into their adulthood.
The main difference between most DID Survivors and Jaycee Dugard is that most DID survivors were not kidnapped by a stranger. Most DID survivors who have lived this kind of ongoing abuse were simply living in their family homes.
These DID survivors were being raised by their father and mother. They didn’t have the hope that someday they would be rescued and returned to their “real family”. They were with their real family.
In either situation, the child-victims learned to adapt to the sadistic behaviors of the abusive parental figures in order to survive. Despite the extreme abuse, they learned to depend on the abusers. Everything from breathing, food, clothing, water, shelter, warmth, education, medical attention, etc. was controlled and monitored by their abusers. There was no personal space. There was no way to get away. There was no known place to run to even if they had gotten away.
The child-victims knew they were stuck there.
They knew that their life and basic survival needs were completely dependent upon keeping the perpetrator happy. They learned to base their own survival on effectively meeting the needs of the perpetrator, and the perpetrator had the power to decide if they would live or die. To survive, they became loyal to the perpetrator.
Perpetrators purposefully create this kind of dependence in their victims. They want their victims to feel trapped, and to lose hope, and to be stuck in their abuse. They do not want their victims to know there is a way out, or to find a way out. Perpetrators want to be in control of absolutely everything, barely leaving their victims room to breathe on their own.
In keeping the required secrets, the surviving children often learned that the ONLY person to turn to in time of trouble or need is the perpetrator. To get their daily survival needs met, the child learned they had to placate, please, and depend upon the abuser.
In these long-term abusive situations, the perpetrator is both the caretaker and the abuser. The child learns to love and hate this parent. The child feels either trapped in the abuse, or feels tied to them in order to get their needs met.
Consequently, the child-victims have to depend on their abusers for their care. Who else will feed them? Who else will get their books for school? Who else will provide clothing and a place to sleep? These children have no where else to turn, so they form a variety of trauma bonds with their perpetrator.
Since the child-victim’s life depends on their perpetrator, the victim develops a loyalty to the perpetrator. They experience a positive loyalty when the perpetrator meets their daily needs. They experience a fear-based loyalty when their life depends on it.
Whether the offender parent is being appropriate or violent, the dissociative child is drawn into the relationship, and feels emotionally connected to the perpetrator.
Child-victims might split off parts that keep the abuse separate from their feelings of love and appreciation. It’s hard to genuinely care about someone who is hurting and abusing you, but child victims often have to manage both of these scenarios. They might split off parts to deny the abuse, so they don’t have to remember the violence.
And after living that dynamic for years of time, survivors lose the ability to recognize who or what a perpetrator is. They grow up feeling responsible for pleasing perpetrators, learning how to tolerate abusers instead of learning how to leave perpetrators. They grow up believing that attaching and bonding to a dangerous person is critical for their own life.
Attachment to the perpetrator creates many layers of confusion for many years to come. It is a critical area of healing that requires a great deal of work in the therapy setting.
Do they love their abuser? Do they hate their abuser? Do they recognize their abuser as an abuser? Can they recognize who in the world is or isn’t an abuser? Can they leave their abuser? Can they bond with a non-abuser?
Even as adults, far too many DID survivors can no longer separate who is who. They will live a life connecting to one abuser after another, yet they won’t be able to recognize a safe person when they meet one. DID survivors may feel more comfort in the victim role, and they may prefer the familiarity of abusive relationships over the strange unknown of safe relationships. Or, they may assume that all people are abusers, and thus miss out on the opportunity to learn the difference between a safe person and a perpetrator.
Every DID survivor has attached to at least one perpetrator in their lifetime, and probably more than one.
It is critical to work on this trauma dynamic in therapy. This work is essential for healing. Otherwise, DID survivors will feel a high degree of comfort with perpetrators, and will not be able to stay connected to a safe person when they meet one. Or, they’ll accuse a safe person of becoming a perpetrator.
There are a lot of different possibilities, most of them ending up as relationship disasters.
In order to have any chance at having successful social relationships, dissociative trauma survivors absolutely must address the attachment they feel to their perpetrators.
The health of your future relationships depend on it.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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October 18, 2009
Posted in Domestic Violence, emotional pain, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, mental health, Physical Abuse, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Marriages, Abusive Relationships, BlogTalkRadio, Current Day Abuse, Current Safety, Current-day Safety, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, DVMemorial, Family Violence, Internet Radio, Kathy Broady LCSW, Leaving Abusive Relationships, Radio Show, Recognizing Abuse, Safety First at 6:49 pm by Kathy Broady
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Hi Everyone,
Tonight at 9 pm CST, I will be presenting on BlogTalkRadio.
You are welcome to listen to the radio show or to participate by calling in. I’ll be glad to hear from you!
For more information, please go to:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dvmemorial
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Safety First – Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence (part 1)
Domestic Violence (DV) is a form of sexual and physical abuse that far too many adult women (or men) experience in their spousal / partner relationship. Many victims of domestic abuse do not even recognize that the level of trauma they are experiencing within their own home is actually considered Domestic Violence. However, like any victim of current-day abuse, it is important for these survivors to find safety.
Kathy Broady LCSW is a trauma therapist from Dallas Texas with 25 yrs experience working with victims of abuse – child abuse survivors, sexual abuse survivors, dissociative trauma survivors, domestic violence survivors, PTSD survivors, etc.
In collaboration with DVMemorial, Kathy will be presenting a series of shows about recognizing domestic violence, leaving abusive relationships, exploring the emotional difficulties that trap survivors in ongoing violence, addressing how dissociation and denial create additional complications, etc.
Tonight’s episode is the first show in the series about Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence. Callers will be welcomed to join and encouraged to actively participate in the discussion. Your questions and comments will be addressed in the order received.
For more information about Kathy Broady LCSW, or to contact her for therapeutic assistance, please go to www.AbuseConsultants.com, www.SurvivorForum.com, or http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com .
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If you are unable to listen to the radio show while it it on the air, you will be able to hear it from the DVMemorial Archives.
Domestic Violence is a form of ongoing current-day abuse that happens for far too many dissociative trauma survivors. I am honored to have been asked to speak about this topic.
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By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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May 31, 2009
Posted in Depression, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, HBO's Series "In Treatment", mental health, sexual abuse, therapy, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Family Dynamics, Abusive Fathers, Abusive Relationships, Amnesia, Amnesiac Wall, Denial, Depression, DID/MPD, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Walls, Dr. Paul Weston, HBO Series In Treatment, Honesty, Host Parts, In Treatment, Inside System, Insiders, Internal Communication, Kathy Broady, Lying, Multiplicity, Safety, Sex Offenders, sexual abuse, Sexually Abused, split personality, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy, Treatment Goal for DID at 5:23 pm by Kathy Broady
“So thanks to all of this therapy, I have lost my father.”
“You haven’t lost your father….You did lose the father that you thought you had…”
“OK, I get it. I didn’t have the perfect dad…. And my therapy has successfully shattered my romanticized image of my narcissistic father. Is that how you would say it?”
“I would say, the patient, born to a depressed mother, idealized her father so as to not feel completely alone….. and now she can see her dad for who he really is. It is shattering. But if you can now move beyond that connection to your father, it may open the possibility of finding love elsewhere.”
“Now I’m left with nothing!”
“Maybe it’s worth it to finally take off the blinders, even if you don’t like what you see. Or you are left to wonder in the darkness for even longer.”
“Why did you take my blinders off?”
“I didn’t remove your blinders. You did.”
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This is a paraphrased, condensed conversation from “In Treatment” – Dr. Paul Weston’s final session with Mia. In this session, Mia discusses a difficult conversation she had with her father, and she realizes that her father – the man she idealized for years – actually did things to hurt her.
This “In Treatment” episode highlights a dynamic that many trauma survivors face in their therapy process.
Many dissociative trauma survivors enter therapy with the belief that their parents would not and could not hurt them. While it is certainly true that some survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have one “safe” parent (a non-offending parent that was not directly involved in the abuse), most DID survivors have at least one parent with a dark, offender side to them.
Through the years of growing up, many survivors that split within themselves also keep a split view of their parents. This is easy to understand especially when you keep the dissociative framework in mind. For example, the day parts (front parts, host parts) that are not allowed to know about the abuse, will very often view the father as a relatively normal father that does normal fatherly things. They will see their father as a good guy, a man that provided for the family, and while they may not always like the rules of the household, they typically won’t think of their father as an abuser of any sort. In fact, these day / host parts will adamantly say that they have never been abused by their father, and will be highly insulted if anyone thinks otherwise. The day parts will know nothing else about the father other than his day world presentation, and they will especially not know anything in regards to any kind of abuse or trauma or perpetration. They often feel a strong connection to the father, and are convinced that he loves them (and specifically not in a harmful, sexual way).
These day parts may be in denial about the father’s abuse, or in the context of dissociation, they probably did not experience very much if any abuse from their father. When this is the case, these parts can come to the absolute adamant defense of their father, and not be lying. As far as they are concerned, their father was NOT a perpetrator, and they have absolutely no recall and no memory of anything else happening. Sexual abuse and trauma may feel like totally absurd oddities, and these parts will argue incessantly about their father’s innocence.
So, what happens when the other parts of the dissociative system start to talk about their experiences with the father? What if the inside parts actually did experience sexual abuse or physical abuse from the father? What if these parts have memory after memory of abuse by the father, and remember nothing nice about him?
Now what?
Who is telling the truth? Are the day parts that say the father did not abuse them telling the truth? Or are the inside parts that clearly have body memories and flashbacks of painful sexual abuse telling the truth?
Who is lying?
Who is telling the truth?
Actually, each of these parts, in most circumstances, is genuinely telling the truth from their own perspective.
The day parts genuinely did not experience abuse by the father.
The inside parts genuinely did not experience anything but trauma from the father.
How is that possible?
Because of the dissociative walls in between the different parts of the system. Strong, intense dissociation can create absolute amnesia. What happens in one world will not leak through to the other worlds. One side of a dissociative person can have totally and completely different memories than the other people in the dissociative system.
One side of the dissociative person can be totally blocked off from another side of the dissociative system. What can be true for one set of system alters can be entirely false for another set of system alters. It is this very conflict that supports and creates the dissociative splits in the first place. When something is too conflictual to be contained, splitting off the opposing information into different parts of the dissociative system helps the child to manage each of the conflicting worlds.
Thick dissociative, amnesia-creating walls allow the day world to not be overwhelmed or upset about abuse – they can’t tell or show difficulties when they don’t even know about the abuse. They can interact with the public world and not see or know or tell anyone about abuse. They can function normally in school or at work, and not give off too many troubling signs. Their dissociative walls serve to exclude them completely from information about the abuse.
For the parts that withstand the abuse, their thick dissociative walls keep them isolated and contained away from the world. These parts experience nothing but their abusers. They cannot grasp how wrong and vicious abuse is, especially since they have no other awareness of right and wrong, or that it shouldn’t be happening to them. This leaves the abused parts completely trapped in their abusive worlds because they cannot conceptualize anything other than tolerating abuse. Abused parts don’t attempt to leave their abusers as they simply cannot fathom any element of life outside of their abusive prison walls. They do not know that a life different from abuse can exist.
When a trauma survivor with DID presents in therapy, both sides of their system will begin to speak. The front parts will share their happy day-life experiences, and the inside alters will tell their stories about trauma. The therapist sitting outside of the dissociative walls will hear both sides of the story.
Part of the healing work is then to get these two sides to listen to each other. Of course, there is a balance and a timing for when to say what, but the basic goal is to lower the dissociative walls and let each side of the system learn about the reality of the other side.
The day parts will hear that their father was not always so kind and gentle with them. The inside parts will catch up to the current day timeframe and learn that they do not have to stay stuck in abusive relationships. Each side of the system will help each other see the whole picture.
It’s not easy – but taking the blinders off and looking at the whole picture of your life and your relationships are extremely important pieces of your healing journey.
You can do it. The safety and healing will be very much worth the hard work involved.
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- Have you realized that the various parts in your dissociative system have experienced very different lives from each other?
- Are you willing to take your blinders off and look at the whole truth of your life?
- Do you understand what it means to keep internal parts stuck within dissociative walls where they know only the world of abuse?
- What are the worst things that could happen to you if you actually lowered your dissociative walls and connected with the realities of your other parts?
- What are the benefits of genuinely connecting with the others in your system?
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By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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March 14, 2009
Posted in Dissociative Identity Disorder tagged Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Awe-inspiring, Children, Compassionate, Corruption, Courage, Deep Spiritual Beliefs, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dysfunctional Symptoms, Faith, Good vs. Evil, Inspirational, Kathy Broady, Life-lessons, Loving Others, mental health, Mental Illness, Multiple Personality, Multiples, Neglect, Overcoming Adversity, Perpetrators, Powerlessness, Protect Children, Pure Hearts, Resilience, Role Models, Sadistic criminals, Self-protection, severe abuse, Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Strength, split personality, Survivors, therapy, Trauma, Trauma Bond, Trauma Survivors, Vulnerabilty, War Against Evil at 2:02 pm by Kathy Broady
To continue the previous post, here are five more life-lessons I’ve learned from my years working with those with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD).
By their life example, multiples have shown me:
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6. Spiritual Strength even Under Persecution. Most survivors with DID and long-term severe abuse have had various religious / spiritual connotations mixed in with that abuse, creating a version of Spiritual Abuse and a variety of spiritual crises. Every trauma survivor handles these situations in his / her own way, and yet in my experience, most survivors have at least one or two insiders, if not a whole grouping of insiders or even their whole self, that develop a very strong spiritual life despite the trauma and its effects. Maybe these trauma survivors develop a strong spiritual life because of the trauma? My thought is that any survivors that have the personal strength to fight against the vileness perpetrators and horrific abuse have a deep spiritual reason to do so. How they portray that faith in later years of their life varies widely, but the point is still there: persecution and pain can strengthen and deepen spiritual beliefs. What a strong statement of faith!
7. The Ability to Overcome Adversity in Life. Dissociative trauma survivors have faced head-on some of the most difficult challenges in life. They have dealt with overwhelming pain, tragedy, heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, and isolation. They have encountered some of the darkest trials and tribulations of life, even during their earliest , most vulnerable years. And yet, despite the effects of being attacked and consumed by wickedness, corruption, and depravity, so many of these dissociative survivors have gone on to have incredibly productive, successful lives as gentle, giving, compassionate, caring people. These are inspiring people with thousands of stories of courage and strength. They are true examples of resilience and over-coming the odds!
8. Joy, Happiness, and Fun-filled Laughter. I have been amazed at how many trauma survivors have maintained an incredible sense of humor and an appreciation of fun, good times, laughter, and joy even after being crushed by intense pain and horror so much of their lives. Maybe seeing so much heavy darkness has created a greater appreciation of light-hearted fun? Any which way, it speaks volumes to me that people who have been immersed in pain can and do continue to find humor, fun, and positive excitement in life. Having good times and finding ways to enjoy life have an elevated importance for these folks, and that makes a lot of sense to me. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and trauma survivors that can still laugh (in the good ways!) are genuinely inspirational.
9. The Pure Hearts of Children. Children have a natural joy and wonderment with life. Even though dissociative trauma survivors have had tragic childhoods destroyed by sadistic criminals, these trauma survivors typically split off a part of themselves that totally protected the purity of childhood innocence and beauty. Through dissociation, they were able to keep a part of themselves totally separated from darkness, evil, horror, pain, trauma, and abuse. That is amazing to me. It shows the importance of these childhood feelings and that even the worst viciousness of predators does not take this precious innocence away. This creative, incredible ability to maintain self protection is extraordinary.
10. Loving Others More than Yourself. Trauma survivors were typically forced to put their abusers’ needs ahead of themselves in a harmful, tragic, devastating ways. There is no doubt about the harm that happens to children when their own needs are ignored and neglected. However,many trauma survivors seem to turn this abusive extreme around. In a less abusive context, they maintain the awareness that others are as important as themselves, and they can be extremely compassionate and selfless towards other people. The examples of selfless generosity, giving, and caring can be awe-inspiring and genuine examples of how to love someone else.
In my opinion, trauma survivors that retain the ability to genuinely love and connect with others have risen above the worst effects of the abuse they suffered. Maintaining the ability to bond correctly with animals, and/or people, and/or spiritual powers despite the years of forced darkness and evil is truly amazing and inspirational.
Those of us fortunate enough to experience less trauma and abuse in our lives should take note. Trauma survivors can be incredible role models of what is truly important in life.
- Do you have the depth of character and strength to withstand a war against evil?
- Would you handle persecution and pain with as much grace and strength as DIDer’s do?
- Would you still be a good person even if you spent years of life being controlled by darkness?
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I encourage everyone to look deeper than dysfunctional symptoms and mental illness. What can trauma survivors teach you about life?
What can you learn about the power of good over evil?
I see examples of that every single day in the trauma survivors that I know.
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———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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