December 21, 2012
What Happens to the Light?
It’s Winter Solstice week — time that is often difficult for far too many dissociative trauma survivors. It’s a time where days are short, and nights are long. Far too long. It’s a day where light feels complicated. Fractured. Broken. Dark.
I haven’t forgotten. I know that many of you are hurting and remembering intense hurts right now.
This year, I wanted to write something not as heavy, but still acknowledging the difficulties of this week. As you all know, from my recent comments, I am enjoying a new Ipad and all its options. Today, I’m going to post two pictures that I took myself, with this Ipad, while exploring its funny photo options.
There is much innocence in this pictures. Believe me, if you could see me fumbling around like a country bumpkin with this new fancy technology, you would roll your eyes at my utter rediculousness-ness-ness in the process of taking the photos. For that matter, what they look like are pure coincidence, lol.
But, to my surprise, as pretty as these pictures are, they still remind me of trauma issues related to DID / MPD.
What do you see in these pictures?
And….
.
What do you like / dislike about these pictures?
Do they relate to your trauma history in any way?
What comforts do you see in these pictures?
What triggers do you see in these pictures?
How do these pictures relate to the Solstice times of your life?
Your thoughts and comments are welcome.
And, more importantly than anything else, I hope that, even little by little, you find deeper healing today. Hold your insiders near to you. Be kind to each other, and ever so gently support yourselves.
Warmly,
Kathy
brokenbeyondrepair10 said,
December 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm
I like the symmetry in the images.
They seem to be reminding me of the images I`d stare at as a child/young person that would help me`zone out` from traumatic events.Don`t know about that…just a feeling.
Symmetry is a comfort. It is easy to get lost in them. Which means it`s also more likely to `suck me in` where I could get lost in dissociation(which is less ikey with the snowflakes fluttering over the screen and the images being pretty small
Solstices werent particularly difficult times for me, that I know of though I know they were for many others. Four days time will be for me, though.
methinkstoo said,
December 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Thank You so very much for noting us in the dark! OMG. It is so hard to survive it every winter! Dark & oh so cold! A light box helps if I’m not too depressed to remember to turn it on. Also vitamin D truly makes an incredible difference. In a deep depression the Dr checked mine & it was at Zero! He put me at 5,000 IU & I can truly feel the difference! I try to plan a grip to a sunny & warm place every January but that doesn’t always work. Again, thank you for noting how hard this season is for so many of us for so many reasons. Also *Clap Clap Clap* and *many Cheers* for getting an iPad!!! They are practical $ incredible fun to play with! YEAH KATHY. *smiling*
methinkstoo said,
December 21, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Fun Pics! The first one offers me beauty & hope with the bright flowers & colors, however I also felt dizzy & could Fall into it. The 2nd one is less hopeful for me. Perhaps it’s the black in the colors & the mirror effect of the silver. And I could fall into this one too. Maybe I could hide there between the colors.
. Relevant to my life … Spring will come. Christmas is only a day. The world will keep spinning long after I’m gone. The silver one feels like a steel ball is being thrown at me & will hit me soon in the center of my head. Gives me a headache. Also I live on a globe. I can take a flight to warmth, better therapist, friends & family that I WANT to be with. I have more choices than power.
Pilgrim said,
December 22, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Nothing like being fucking alone on the winter solstice stupid fucking day. Pctures remind me of getting sucked down a dam black hole and never getting out. They remind me of spinning and spinning ans hearing yelling in my head and being too tired to listen to people but having to do what they tell me too anywyay. There is no comfort because its fucking hopeless. You get sucked in and you dont ever get out. Happy fucking winter.m.
kiyacat said,
December 23, 2012 at 1:45 am
In the pics I can see the subject matter – or host – and then the skwewd-ness of what happened, and then the rays or parts filling the whole. I like the bottom one best where i can see some sky(are those lilacs?) but the rays definitive light and dark are… not a trigger exactly, but uncomfortable in their starkness. The flowers above have more greens in the rays and that is more soothing. so bits of both.
It is very hard for us right now. We’ve been working with a new therapist specialized in trauma and DID and working with safety and thru memories. New parts are popping up, new fears, “new” benign memories are some how scarier because I see the betrayal of parent for the first time. Nov – Jan is always hard, and last year we were in the hosp for a week (well we were this time too for a weekend) but I feel lonlier than ever before. Like I am just finding out that even all the settings can be “right” and yet still I am alone, lonely, frightened, and feel like I am missing out. Even the idea of “parent” has now been put as a question to me… the bond with the one i still talk to is so confusing. Things I used to find innocent, now seem menacing. Even a nature show on tv took my favorite creatures on earth and turned them into fearful monsters. Nothing is as it seems and this seems to parilize us more, but also I am there to say “push thru it, move forward, we can’t let the fear make us stuck – that makes it more dangerous for us, not less”. And still we talk about “safety”… and i don’t get it.
I was never scared of “the end of the world” but i am scared daily of just daily living. Surviving. The more I know of my past the less I want too and the more we all push it farther from us. A never-ending tunnel of darkness it seems to me. Where, indeed, did the light go? The kid that used to wear yellow to match the days in the desert, full of sun, who pretended nothing was wrong and was just happy to be in the moment? Oh yeah, that kid was before the long 6 week stay with the main abuser. Not that that kid wasn’t abused, but she was younger, happier, not comprehending, not knowing this abuse would continue her whole life and she would have to split (was split) her mind over an over again to get through life. Very dark winter this year. Need some light.
synthgirl said,
December 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm
My first visit here… Wow! You sound so friendly! I never let a therapist person inside me… or even any female for that matter… but I like your heart, it’s warm!
In the pictures, I mostly see the colors — green for my awesome Creator who was there with me even in the darkest days, ever present in nature… and purple, which is my favorite color, symbolizing hope and beauty to me. The combination of green and purple for me is always soothing and hopeful.
>
– SynthGirl
http://www.SynthiaMasters.com
Pilgrim said,
December 24, 2012 at 1:00 am
i dont no ware the lite gos
it disapers
efrething disapers that was good
onle the bad be left
good stuff owas go awa
bad stuff stay
mae
baydolphin said,
December 24, 2012 at 8:45 am
The circles in the centers of the pictures are the “pretty” people we have to display to the outside world in order to keep the secrets. The first is a happy person and the second is a sadder person. We cannot handle the rawness of the bands of radiating colors. They are sharp and piercing. That hard truth is overwhelming and can’t be handled either by us or the world, hence to turn it into something else. But each band contains a piece of the nightmare.
Hanging on and trying to get thru this time of the year. Hate it so bad. Just throws it back at us and mixes us back with some of the perps and makes us switch so that we can hide the harsh bands of sharp colors.
1esmecat said,
December 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm
All I see is the resemblance to a fist in forceful motion. But I do like the touch of light blue; it is hope, it is the sky. Someone made me stop going to therapy.
raayna (@RLDonley) said,
December 30, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Just recently came out! knew there was a couple but wow it got crowded in here. Love the flower pics.
manyofus1980 said,
January 1, 2013 at 11:54 pm
wish i can see the picturs i will lik to look too but im blind so cant awe sigh
taylor six