10.23.09
Remembering Annemaria
.
There is a young woman who will always be precious to me. I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she forever changed my life.
This date – October 23rd — had specific meaning for her.
And every year on this date, I specifically think of her.
.
.
Back in the 80’s…
Annemaria was a 13 yr old wildly aggressive but enormously quiet girl that kept setting fires in the residential treatment center and starting fist fights with grown men. She was a complicated child, and was court-ordered to have an assessment by a psychologist. Fortunately for Annemaria, the psychologist had just attended a presentation about multiple personality disorder (MPD), learning about the symptoms of dissociation and trauma. Annemaria was quickly diagnosed with MPD and due to the variety of extreme acting out behaviors she demonstrated within the custody setting, she was given an unusual opportunity.
It was clear that Annemaria was acting out her child abuse history. She openly admitted to purposefully committing violent crimes so she would be taken out of her abusive home. It was a brilliant plan for finding safety from her offender-parents. Unconcerned about the long list of legal charges against her, she knew she would be safer living in residential treatment centers, and she was glad to be there. No one doubted her abusive past, and a long string of child protection workers advocated for her safety.
As requested, the Court agreed to give Annemaria the longest sentence possible so she could remain in the residential treatment center instead of being forced to go home. They did this for the preventive safety of the people she would be willing to assault in the future, but also for her own current-day safety and protection. The Court also ordered that she be given specialized treatment and intensive therapy.
Since she was so violent towards men, she was to be assigned a female staff member, and this staff member was to devote the vast majority of her time to working individually with Annemaria.
This is when Annemaria changed my life.
I was assigned to be Annemaria’s personal staff member.
I knew about sexual abuse, but I didn’t know a thing about MPD. I had been trained to work with family systems, but I didn’t know anything about internal systems. But I was thoroughly pleased to have been given the assignment of working with Annemaria. I knew it would be fascinating work, and frankly, Annemaria and I already had a little bit of a connection. Afterall, I was the only person in the entire treatment center that she would speak to.
I had two years to work with Annemaria. We did hours and hours of therapy every week, and even more hours of everyday life-skills work. She blossomed in that safe, healing environment but for such a young child, her stories of abuse were more than any of the treatment staff could fathom. Eventually, a non-threatening but strong young man was assigned to assist me during Annemaria’s acting out or heavy-duty memory flashbacks. She bounced a lot of male anger in his direction, but he handled that like a pro. The work was tough, and we leaned on each other a lot. Even so, I developed secondary PTSD, and experienced numerous nightmares after listening to Annemaria’s stories of trauma. I really hadn’t known such horrors existed. Talk about a learning curve… They hadn’t explained ANY of that in grad school!
I had so much to learn. I had no idea anyone could be abused in the ways that Annemarie described in such vivid detail. She was only 13. It had just happened. She had been abused her whole life, but still… it had just happened! Even though she was dissociative, she knew a lot about it.
She and I taught each other about two very different worlds. She taught me about her world, and I taught her about mine. We both ended those two years in a very different place.
I was truly never the same.
I hope that I impacted her life in the same way.
I also wish I could re-do those two years with Annemaria. Now that I have had 20 years experience working with MPD – currently called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — I would do those first two years very differently. I’ve learned more about self-injury and how to manage those behaviors effectively. I’ve learned about depression, anxiety, PTSD and vicarious traumatization. I’ve learned about flashbacks, amnesia, body memories, and internal system communication. I’ve learned about organized abuse, the sex slave industry, pornography, and ritual abuse. NOW I am properly prepared to address the issues that Annemaria was speaking about.
But then?
I just didn’t have a clue.
And how sad was that.
.
.
Today is Annemaria’s day.
And today, while I was recording my BlogTalkRadio show on Internal Communication, I thought of Annemaria.
While I felt confident in explaining how so many things work for DID / MPD, I thought of Annemaria.
I just wish I knew then what I know now.
I could accomplish so much more with Annemaria in two years at this point in time than I could have back in the 80’s when I was new to the field. It saddens, me in that respect, because I didn’t give to her then what I could give to her now.
But she changed my life.
In fact, she changed the entire course of my life.
I would not be where I am if it were not for Annemaria.
And for that, I owe her a few years of decent therapy.
Annemaria, if you ever find me again, you’ve got yourself a therapist for as long as you need one!
And thank you, Annemaria.
Thank you.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
kesrevive said,
October 24, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Although I have been on both sides (a victim and MPD/DID survivor as well as a child advocate and counselor), sometimes the patient teaches more than the teacher. Very thought-provoking and touching post… have you written a book yet?
Kes (a new follower – see 10/10/09 comments).
pilgrimchild said,
October 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Its nice to know that you remember her fondly even though it was a hard process.
I wonder if my old therapist, for whom I was her 1st (and probably LAST) DID client… I wonder if she will remember me 1)at all 2)without screaming in frustration 3)without hating me 4)with any fondness for all the 7 years we worked so closely together& so well 5)as a learning experience. I loved her so much, and we did, I thought, have such a good relationship. I had dates that were very meaningful for me, and I wonder if she will ever think of me on them. I wonder if she ever thinks of me at all, because I think of her every day and miss her so much.
I am sure that Annemarie remembers you well and misses you.
Catatonic Kid said,
October 25, 2009 at 7:27 am
Was gonna say what I see has already been said by Kes up there but it’s worth saying twice… There’s a book in there!
Mona said,
October 25, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Kathy, as difficult as the process of therapy was with Annemaria I am grateful for your commitment to her, because what you learned has benefited so many people, myself included. I hope she is well.
secretshadows said,
October 25, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I think the most important piece is caring enough to figure it out. Absolutely prior knowledge of DID helps, but without that caring piece, knowledge is useless.
Kathy Broady said,
October 28, 2009 at 5:14 am
Hi Kes,
Thanks for your comment, and thank you for visiting this blog.
I think it is important in the therapy relationship for the people on both sides of that equation to be open to learning from the other. If we’re not open to learning, then that assumes we already “know it all”, right? And who can really and truly say that they “know it all”. Not me! That’s for darn sure, lol.
SO … it’s always important to be open-minded, and to be willing to learn from / learn with the other people sitting with you… We all have something valid to contribute!
Have I written a book yet?? Well… this blog seems like a book, lol… my website AbuseConsultants felt like writing a book… I have a few children’s books mid-process… I did put together a booklet about the negative impact of childhood sexual abuse…. And I keep hoping to one day have the time to put together a ‘real book’.
Thanks for the positive nudge in that general direction.
I hope you keep coming back – thanks again…
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
October 28, 2009 at 5:34 am
Hi pilgrimchild,
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation and your loss – I can genuinely understand how painful this has been for you.
Will your old therapist remember you?
1. at all? I’m sure she does. I bet she’ll remember you for a very very long time. I doubt she’ll ever forget you.
2. without frustration? Probably, at some point anyway. I certainly expect she’ll remember a lot of the good times to balance that out…
3. without hating you? Oh, I would certainly hope that she has never actually hated you. After 7 yrs with you, I’d bet she built some genuine caring feelings towards you as well.
4. with fondness? Spending 7 yrs together says to me that there was a genuinely strong connection between you. She would certainly have a fondness for you. I’d bet on that.
5. as a learning experience? I would certainly hope she experienced her relationship with you as a learning experience…
She invested 7 yrs of her life with you… I think that means that a whole lot of good things had to have happened during that time, because either you or her could have ended it a whole lot sooner if there weren’t a lot of good things for both of you. I certainly can hear how much you cared for her…
Thank you for staying true to your positive feelings for your old therapist, even in your pain about losing her. You clearly miss her dearly and yet you speak kindly of her. Your gentleness and kindness speak loudly about who you are as a person. You are hurting, but you are not spiteful or malicious. Based on that, I’d be willing to bet that your old therapist really does remember you in some of the dearest of ways….
I’m sorry you are hurting,
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
October 28, 2009 at 5:37 am
Hi Catatonic Kid
Oh dear, more nudges for a book!
lol… and that coming from such an avid reader.
Thanks for the vote of confidence that I’d have something interesting to write!
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
October 28, 2009 at 5:39 am
Hi Mona,
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your comment.
I wonder if Annemaria has any idea how many lives she has impacted….
She started quite a domino effect, don’t you think?!!!
I hope she is well too. She’ll always be a hero in my eyes.
Kathy
moreheads said,
October 30, 2009 at 8:57 am
KB
I’ve read this a few times.
It’s really a testament to your learning curve and the journey you made.
Our Talk-doc says of her field that, “much of the time people go into it thinking it’s easy, just sit and talk, because they like gossip.”
We have to smile because she herself is a “legendary optimist” in her own right and to be so cynical of her own profession let us trust ‘her learning curve.’
We have few and far between “good” experiences with therapists, but the good ones have been stellar. Not so much in their knowledge (tho one is both) but the commitment, respect and kindness has meant so very much.
People don’t realize the value of those three things. It’s the place where the HUGE hurt begins to heal.
In the Jewish faith we call what you did for Annemaria a Mitzvah, it’s the kind of giving that comes from the heart without strings. Folks tend to confuse it with charity, but it’s so much more. You see it not only touches the recipient but also the person giving, that’s what you have without ever know Annemaria’s feelings, because you feel the grace in your heart.
Okay now I’ve gone all spiritual and that’s so NOT my intent. Just know it was a good thing for Annemaria and for everyone reading here that you have learned along the road.
Ravin
peacesoflife said,
October 30, 2009 at 7:31 pm
I have read this many times…each time I read it, it means something
different.
The first read through, the tears rolled down my face. I didn’t know where
they came from. I was angry, hurt, sad, devastated, but why? I swore I
would never read this post again.
Then it dawned on me, I was feeling all those things because I have never
experienced someone feeling that way towards me. After that realization,
I was able to come back and read it in a different light. It is now one of my
favorite posts here.
writingwithink said,
November 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Dear Kathy,
I’ve been lingering here for a while now and decided to leave a response after reading your thoughts about your first DID patient. Very touching, and thank you for sharing.
I’m just beginning my journey, and after weeks and weeks of interviewing many therapists, I’ve decided to go with a DID expert who’s been widely published. Actually, there’s few in my area who have worked with DID. My concern is that she will look at me as another DID and not as an individual. Actually, I’m not sure of how I even look at me anymore, but I certainly hope that she will walk away from this journey with me having been enlightened, even if it’s by only small flicker.
Peace,
writing
Kathy Broady said,
November 1, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Hi Ravin,
Thanks for your post.
I’ve heard of Mitvah’s… and its very meaningful to me that you would call my work and dedication to Annemaria a Mitzvah. Thank you. For years now, I make a clear distinguishing point to the people that I work with – that while they pay me for my time, my experience, my knowledge about DID, etc, they do not and cannot pay me to care for them as valuable people. When I give that, it is from the heart.
Thanks for your post, Ravin. I appreciate that.
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
November 1, 2009 at 8:19 pm
peacesoflilfe,
oh…. thank you for posting your comment…
wow – I am glad to hear that this story reached something so very deep for you.
I’m sorry to hear of your pain, but I am glad that you were able to recognize where your tears were coming from. That’s good – maybe your healing can come from that place…
Thank you for reading here, and I wish the best for you in your healing journey…
Warmly,
Kathy
dollswise said,
November 3, 2009 at 1:06 am
I hope she finds you again.
I was very young when my parents tried to have me put into psych to get the heat off themselves because my bro was fire starting and getting kicked out of schools for some very disturbing behaviors. The parents, concerned that someone might think to look in their direction, instead plucked me out of the school I was in in another city, and put me in this place, so they could point to me and say “See this is Actually the problem”
The main person assigned to my case realized the game, and never allowed me to be put into psych. Although I drove the rest of the staff pretty batshit with my antics. But a few staff realized that I was in a jam, and they tried again and again to help me to access anger, and to feel my feelings.
I was not able to then, but I never forgot how they saved me.
Trust me, AnneMaria has not forgotten you.
I have been unable to find the doctor who stood so defiantly against parents that brought state legislators in and all sorts of tricks, to try to force his hand, and some staff who really thought why not throw the crustaceous critter in psych and teach her a lesson or two.
But he managed to help me stay intact, and he helped me get away and return to what it is that I do well out here. He believed in me, and I have never forgotten this, and still hope to find him someday.
So, let me say it for her for now, for both her and I who didnt get broken.
- Thank You.
vickilost said,
November 4, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I recently contacted my old therapist who I had when I was 15/16. I was trying to piece together my history and I thought that she might be able to fill in a few gaps. I remember her talkimg to me about dissociation and thought she may have noticed some DID stuff back then.
In my mind she was an integral and very important influence on my life and I had felt like she had cared. However I recieved a rather blunt and impersonal email back.
I forget that 10 years is a long time ago and that the therapist client relationship is not supposed to last forever.
I feel kindof stupid for contacting her , I just wanted understand myself better and re connect with someone who had been significant to me.
soulfeet said,
November 5, 2009 at 1:33 am
A beautiful tribute to Annemaria and the process…the process of life and love and relationship. And what a wonderful celebration…to recall each year this time as Annemaria’s day, and (in one sense) your day as well.
Life is more real than fiction. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya’ll serendipitously meet again.
Thank you for sharing….beautiful, hopeful, and moving…
multipixie9 said,
November 26, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I used to be ashamed that I’ve been working with my T, Carolyn for 15 years. She was new to helping DID clients and now I view her as my personal hero in this life. She never gave up on me as many did before her. She has been willing to keep searching with me to help my insiders. She’s shown flexibility and has never hurt me and only made a few mistakes that were difficult at the time. Finally we are getting into the most guarded areas of my past and those parts most damaged by the sra and other forms of abuse we endured. She has helped me in spite of my limited funds; I’ve never been able to pay all she has been worth.
I am genuinely thankful for this woman. I wish I could better describe all the good she’s done for us inside here. We’ve had hundreds of alts and many have rejected me in my dysfunctionality. She’s grown herself and been transparent with me about her errors and parts of the abuse she suffered (so I could know she knew herself what it is to be used as a sex slave and treated so badly) She’s kept good boundaries without being scary to the little ones inside.
My history is very sordid and frightful. She’s never shown disgust or pulled away from me. She helped me get off of addiction to meds.She’s been the most loving, safe person I’ve known. She may have actually “saved” my life; she was the one who dx’d me and then patiently kept inching me toward the truth and how to get there and stay there. I just can’t thank God enough for bringing her into my life.
Leslie and all inside