05.31.09

Now I have lost my father…

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, HBO's Series "In Treatment", Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, mental health, sexual abuse, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 5:23 pm by Kathy Broady

“So thanks to all of this therapy, I have lost my father.”

“You haven’t lost your father….You did lose the father that you thought you had…”

“OK, I get it.  I didn’t have the perfect dad…. And my therapy has successfully shattered my romanticized image of my narcissistic father.  Is that how you would say it?”

“I would say, the patient, born to a depressed mother, idealized her father so as to not feel completely alone….. and now she can see her dad for who he really is.  It is shattering.  But if you can now move beyond that connection to your father, it may open the possibility of finding love elsewhere.”

“Now I’m left with nothing!”

“Maybe it’s worth it to finally take off the blinders, even if you don’t like what you see. Or you are left to wonder in the darkness for even longer.”

“Why did you take my blinders off?”

“I didn’t remove your blinders.  You did.”

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This is a paraphrased, condensed conversation from “In Treatment” – Dr. Paul Weston’s final session with Mia.  In this session, Mia discusses a difficult conversation she had with her father, and she realizes that her father – the man she idealized for years – actually did things to hurt her.

This “In Treatment” episode highlights a dynamic that many trauma survivors face in their therapy process.

Many dissociative trauma survivors enter therapy with the belief that their parents would not and could not hurt them.  While it is certainly true that some survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have one “safe” parent (a non-offending parent that was not directly involved in the abuse), most DID survivors have at least one parent with a dark, offender side to them.

Through the years of growing up, many survivors that split within themselves also keep a split view of their parents.  This is easy to understand especially when you keep the dissociative framework in mind.  For example, the day parts (front parts, host parts) that are not allowed to know about the abuse, will very often view the father as a relatively normal father that does normal fatherly things.  They will see their father as a good guy, a man that provided for the family, and while they may not always like the rules of the household, they typically won’t think of their father as an abuser of any sort.  In fact, these day / host parts will adamantly say that they have never been abused by their father, and will be highly insulted if anyone thinks otherwise.  The day parts will know nothing else about the father other than his day world presentation, and they will especially not know anything in regards to any kind of abuse or trauma or perpetration.  They often feel a strong connection to the father, and are convinced that he loves them (and specifically not in a harmful, sexual way).

These day parts may be in denial about the father’s abuse, or in the context of dissociation, they probably did not experience very much if any abuse from their father.  When this is the case, these parts can come to the absolute adamant defense of their father, and not be lying.  As far as they are concerned, their father was NOT a perpetrator, and they have absolutely no recall and no memory of anything else happening.  Sexual abuse and trauma may feel like totally absurd oddities, and these parts will argue incessantly about their father’s innocence.

So, what happens when the other parts of the dissociative system start to talk about their experiences with the father?  What if the inside parts actually did experience sexual abuse or physical abuse from the father?  What if these parts have memory after memory of abuse by the father, and remember nothing nice about him?

Now what?

Who is telling the truth?   Are the day parts that say the father did not abuse them telling the truth?  Or are the inside parts that clearly have body memories and flashbacks of painful sexual abuse telling the truth?

Who is lying?
Who is telling the truth?

Actually, each of these parts, in most circumstances, is genuinely telling the truth from their own perspective.

The day parts genuinely did not experience abuse by the father.
The inside parts genuinely did not experience anything but trauma from the father.

How is that possible?

Because of the dissociative walls in between the different parts of the system.   Strong, intense dissociation can create absolute amnesia.  What happens in one world will not leak through to the other worlds.  One side of a dissociative person can have totally and completely different memories than the other people in the dissociative system.

One side of the dissociative person can be totally blocked off from another side of the dissociative system.  What can be true for one set of system alters can be entirely false for another set of system alters.  It is this very conflict that supports and creates the dissociative splits in the first place.  When something is too conflictual to be contained, splitting off the opposing information into different parts of the dissociative system helps the child to manage each of the conflicting worlds.

Thick dissociative, amnesia-creating walls allow the day world to not be overwhelmed or upset about abuse – they can’t tell or show difficulties when they don’t even know about the abuse.  They can interact with the public world and not see or know or tell anyone about abuse.  They can function normally in school or at work, and not give off too many troubling signs.  Their dissociative walls serve to exclude them completely from information about the abuse.

For the parts that withstand the abuse, their thick dissociative walls keep them isolated and contained away from the world.  These parts experience nothing but their abusers.  They cannot grasp how wrong and vicious abuse is, especially since they have no other awareness of right and wrong, or that it shouldn’t be happening to them.  This leaves the abused parts completely trapped in their abusive worlds because they cannot conceptualize anything other than tolerating abuse.  Abused parts don’t attempt to leave their abusers as they simply cannot fathom any element of life outside of their abusive prison walls.  They do not know that a life different from abuse can exist.

When a trauma survivor with DID presents in therapy, both sides of their system will begin to speak.  The front parts will share their happy day-life experiences, and the inside alters will tell their stories about trauma.  The therapist sitting outside of the dissociative walls will hear both sides of the story.

Part of the healing work is then to get these two sides to listen to each other. Of course, there is a balance and a timing for when to say what, but the basic goal is to lower the dissociative walls and let each side of the system learn about the reality of the other side.

The day parts will hear that their father was not always so kind and gentle with them.  The inside parts will catch up to the current day timeframe and learn that they do not have to stay stuck in abusive relationships.  Each side of the system will help each other see the whole picture.

It’s not easy – but taking the blinders off and looking at the whole picture of your life and your relationships are extremely important pieces of your healing journey.

You can do it.  The safety and healing will be very much worth the hard work involved.
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  • Have you realized that the various parts in your dissociative system have experienced very different lives from each other?
  • Are you willing to take your blinders off and look at the whole truth of your life?
  • Do you understand what it means to keep internal parts stuck within dissociative walls where they know only the world of abuse?
  • What are the worst things that could happen to you if you actually lowered your dissociative walls and connected with the realities of your other parts?
  • What are the benefits of genuinely connecting with the others in your system?

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.23.09

One Life to Live and Jessica’s Integration

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, One Life to Live, Trauma, mental health tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:49 am by Kathy Broady

Multiplicity has made it into the Soap Opera world.

On the soap opera, “One Life to Live”, the character named Jessica Buchanan has Dissociative Identity Disorder.  In earlier episodes, Jessica spent a fair bit of time in an inpatient hospital unit addressing her trauma, her grief, etc.  According to Jessica, she resolved her difficult emotional issues and dealt with her internal system conflicts so sufficiently that she was able to integrate.  Her small internal system agreed that it was time for them to tuck back inside, and even though the viewing audience knew that Jessica had at least one more huge unresolved traumatic secret, Jess went about enjoying her life as if she was completely healed.

For what appeared to be months of time, Jessica looked and acted as if she was integrated.  Bess and Tess were nowhere to be found – she was only Jess.  She felt like she was completely integrated.  She believed it.  Her family believed it.  Her best friends believed it.

Did you believe it?

Anyone that knows anything about real multiplicity and dissociation should not have believed it.

Why was it inevitable that Jessica’s alleged integration would fail?

Because she had unresolved trauma, and she was still holding a secret from herself.  This wasn’t a small secret – it was a huge secret involving the death of a child and criminal behavior.

Jess was still unaware of what Bess did.  Tess knew a portion of the story, but not the whole thing.  Both Tess and Bess knew they hadn’t told Jess.  Jess didn’t know that she didn’t know.

Frankly, Jess-Tess-Bess are still a big mess. :)   But it’s a soap opera, so I wouldn’t expect anything less. :)

The point is this.  When the parts of the system hold important, traumatic, and/or emotionally distressful information from each other, and from the host personality, there is no way that a genuine integration can occur.  Holding this kind of secret from yourself means that you are keeping dissociative barriers and amnesiac walls.

Maintaining dissociative walls is not possible in real integration.  The very definition of integration means there are no more dissociative walls holding back secret information.

So of course, for Jessica, Bess and Tess would return.  They couldn’t not return.  If they could have kept anything and everything totally controlled and not let any kind of trigger or reminder occur, they might have been able to stay hidden inside, but that is unrealistic.  Unresolved, unprocessed trauma is much more likely to get triggered repeatedly until those memories are resolved.

In your healing journey, there will be trauma issues to sort out and address, but remember, until the whole of your system is aware of what happened to everyone else, you will still have dissociative walls.  As long as you have dissociative walls, you cannot be considered integrated.

Questions to think about:

  • If you could talk to Jessica, what would you say to her?   What would you recommend to her?
  • Do you relate to Jessica’s desire to be integrated, and yet still not want to know what has happened in your past?
  • Have you heard the stories and life experiences of every one of your internal parts?
  • Have your insiders listened to the stories and life experiences of each other?
  • Are you refusing to listen to certain parts?  Why or why not?
  • While there are obviously important reasons to pace your healing work, are you intending to listen to every memory that your insiders remember and need to talk about?
  • Would you prefer to continue to “not know”?  If so, how do you define what is necessary for your healing?

___________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.18.09

Interested in Group Conversation?

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Online Therapy, Therapy and Counseling, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 5:50 pm by Kathy Broady

I have had an idea this week.

Would you all like to talk together — along with me — in a group conversation via Instant Messenger?

There are a lot of faithful regular readers here at DiscussingDissociation, and we have had a lot of interaction back and forth in the comment sections.  I greatly appreciate this interaction, and frankly, I think that reading and responding to your comments are the best parts of having this blog!

So the conversation element is really nice.  It’s important, and it’s very helpful in terms of communicating and understanding each other.

At SurvivorForum, we have group IM chats every now and then.  Those that want to participate in this sign up ahead of time, we each set up our IM contacts so we are able to chat, and then we meet together in a live group IM chat setting for a group talk.  These chats have been helpful, and can be about any topic that is relevant to the group members participating in the chat.

Now, I don’t know if any of you all would be interested or willing to do something like that, but I thought I could offer it to you as something to consider.  What do you think?

If this goes well, we could potentially have regular group chats based on various topics that can be scheduled ahead of time.  For this first chat, I suggest the topics will be “Introduction to the Group and Group Chats”  (just so everyone can get familiar with how this works) and “Bring Three Questions to ask Kathy”.   And don’t worry, if you all run out of questions to ask me, I’ll certainly have plenty of questions to ask you!

If you are interested in participating in this kind of group chat, please leave a comment below.  If it looks like there are enough people to meet, I’ll set a time in the near future.  Times will be based from the Central Standard Time Zone (currently daylights savings time).

I could potentially set up a calendar of times / topics so that people can know ahead of time if they want to sign up for a particular group chat.  If this idea catches on, we could feasibly have different live group chats on a frequent and regular basis.

Since this is a new option, I’m going to keep the price to $5.00 per chat for now.  You’ll be able to purchase your group chat through AbuseConsultants.com.   Length of the chat, for now, will depend on the interest in this idea and the number of participants.  I assume, however, that the chat will be at least an hour in length, and quite possibly longer if there are more than five participants.

So what do you think?

If you are interested, please create a brand new MSN IM address to use for these chats – create a new MSN IM address that is NOT your normal IM chat address.  Make sure to not use your real name while signing up for the chat name.  KEEP YOUR PRIVACY by using your blogging name, not your legal name.  Do not put your legal name on anything at all connected to this new IM address.  It is very very important that you not hand out your real name and your real IM address to people that you do not know very well.  By creating a totally separate DiscussingDissociation IM address, you will stay more protected.

I hope to be chatting with you soon!

Any questions or comments are welcome.

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Kathy Broady

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.17.09

CIA MIND CONTROL: Out Of Darkness Into The Light

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Friends of Multiples, Mind Control, Trauma, United States of Tara, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:03 pm by Kathy Broady

I don’t typically use other web-sites as the source of my blog posts, but today I want to share some important information out there to my readers.   Survivors of mind control need the validation and encouragement that this Press Release gives.   I welcome discussions, questions and comments to the following information.

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http://www.goodkarmapr.com/press%20releases8/press%20releases8.htm

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CIA MIND CONTROL:
Out Of Darkness Into The Light

You are invited to a special public presentation
from two of the most successful U.S. government whistleblowers, Cathy O’Brien and Mark Phillips.

With celebrity guest Roseanne Barr
scheduled to appear!!

Also special guest speaker Colin A. Ross, M.D.
Internationally renowned clinician, researcher, author and lecturer in the field
of traumatic stress and trauma related disorders.
Dr. Ross is currently a consultant on the hit Showtime series
United States of Tara (1st season).

Friday June 5th, 2009
7PM – 10PM
Hollywood United Methodist Church
6817 Franklin Avenue (at Highland Ave.)
Hollywood, CA 90028

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OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE!!

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Government Whistleblowers, Trauma Recovery Expert and Roseanne Barr to Speak Out Against Torture and Mind Control

Cathy O’Brien and Mark Phillips will be joined by Dr. Colin Ross (an expert on clinically diagnosing and treating trauma based personality disorders) and TV legend Roseanne Barr at a speaking event in Los Angeles on June 5th.

Los Angeles, CA (PRWEB) May 11, 2009 – As the issue of torturing individuals held in detention facilities plays out in the news media, two of the most successful whistleblowers are speaking out on how CIA programs such as MK-ULTRA actually involved torturing U.S. citizens, our allies citizens and how these heinous atrocities were allowed to continue under the 1947 National Security Act.

Cathy O’Brien was a White House/Pentagon level MK-ULTRA mind control victim, who claims torture was used on her to fragment her personality to make her forget secrets and criminal covert operations she had been forced to participate in over a thirty year period. “Many of the same criminals in control of the government today were in control of me,” Cathy says. “And they are acutely aware that torture and trauma causes humankind to forget.”

Cathy adds, “Now that torture is finally a predominant political issue, the reality of how it’s actually being used continues to be kept from the public by those in control of the government and corporate media. Those who control information control knowledge, which in turn controls the thoughts, perceptions, opinions, and actions of those they inform.”

What about the argument that torture is justified as a means to extract information? Cathy says, “Considering today’s technological advancements, pharmaceuticals, computerization, and classified mind manipulating weaponry, it’s clear to see that torture is not only archaic, but is actually a diversionary issue from more prevalent forms of mass mind manipulation being used on the human population.”

Cathy was rescued in 1988 by Mark Phillips, a U.S. Intelligence insider knowledgeable on CIA mind-control techniques who acted after he was told by a Chinese Intelligence officer that Cathy and her then eight-year-old daughter, Kelly, were mind-controlled slaves of the U.S. government. Mark says that the super secret technology used on Cathy, Kelly and others is an, “evolved system of remote human physical and psychological manipulation that has only recently been officially recognized by accredited mental health physicians for what it is – absolute mind control.”

Cathy and Mark circumvented the news media’s blackout on their case with the greatest true life love story of extraction and recovery from the CIA ’s mind control project ever told.

You can hear their story along with a discussion on the issue of torture at an event called “CIA Mind Control: Out Of Darkness, Into the Light” which will be held on Friday June 5th, 2009 in Hollywood. The event begins at 7PM at Hollywood United Methodist Church located at 6817 Franklin Avenue (at Highland Ave.).

For more info call 805-653-1588 or visit GoodKarmaPR.com.

A portion of the proceeds go to Children of the Night, a non profit that rescues children from the ravages of prostitution and domination of pimps.

Joining Cathy and Mark will be Dr. Colin Ross, a globally recognized expert on trauma related disorders and author of “The CIA Doctors: Human Rights Violations by American Psychiatrists.” Dr. Ross provides proof, based on 15,000 pages of documents obtained from the CIA through the Freedom of Information Act, that there have been pervasive, systematic violations of human rights by American psychiatrists over the last 65 years. As well, he proves that the Manchurian Candidate “super spy” is fact, not fiction. He describes CIA documented experiments by psychiatrists to create amnesia, new identities, hypnotic access codes, and implanting new memories in the minds of experimental subjects.

Also scheduled to appear is comedian Roseanne Barr. In addition to being a champion for the rights of abused children everywhere, she was treated by Dr. Colin Ross for DID recovery.

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ABOUT THE SPEAKERS & ORGANIZERS

Cathy O’Brien is a fully rehabilitated US Government White House/Pentagon level mind control survivor whose testimony for the US Congressional Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Oversight was censored for so-called “Reasons of National Security”. Upon the advice of an attorney in 1995, this testimony was released en masse in book form, aptly entitled TRANCE Formation of America, to bring truth to light and survive whistle blowing on US Government tortures. Despite media censorship and death threats and attempts, these proven, documented facts have now reached over 48 countries, been licensed and translated into 8 languages, and are in major universities worldwide such as the Oxford Law Library.

Mark Phillips is a native of Nashville, Tennessee. For nearly 30 years he was a highly successful marketing and advertising executive for two airlines and a medical equipment manufacturing company. While he lacks the published academic credentials as a scholar, professional writer, or mental health physician he is recognized internationally by mental health and law enforcement professionals as a credible authority on the secret science concerning external control of the mind. Throughout his career he also held a DoD issued Top Secret Security clearance as he was exposed to various classified behavioral modification projects. Mark was required to sign an oath of secrecy. To this day he’s restricted by sedition laws from revealing certain specific still classified details that directly relates to his employment.

Roseanne Barr’s creation and portrayal of Roseanne Conner on ABC’s Roseanne has been hailed as “the most ground breaking kitchen-sink sitcom since All in the Family, (Entertainment Weekly)” adding, “She’s the funniest disturber of peace that we have.” In 1998, she hosted her own talk show, The Roseanne Show, for two seasons. Currently, she speaks truth to power at her website and blog RoseanneWorld.com and can be heard Wednesdays at 5PM PT on Pacifica Radio’s KPFK 90.7FM. She also has a Sunday radio show at KCAARadio.com and a program on Free Speech TV called Tipping Point. She is proud to work with organizations such as ACORN and Children of the Night.

Dr. Colin Ross is an internationally renowned clinician, researcher, author and lecturer in the field of traumatic stress and trauma related disorders. He’s the founder and president of the Colin A. Ross Institute for Psychological Trauma and is the Executive Medical Director of three trauma programs located in Dallas, Texas – Grand Rapids, Michigan – and Torrance, California. Dr. Ross has written extensively on the subject of dissociation and trauma. His latest books include The Trauma Model: A Solution to the Problem of Comorbidity in Psychiatry and Schizophrenia: Innovations in Diagnosis and Treatment. He is a member of the American Psychiatric Associations and the Int’l Society for the Study of Traumatic Stress, and is currently a consultant on the hit Showtime series United States of Tara (1st season).

Children of the Night is a private, non-profit, tax-exempt organization founded in 1979 that is dedicated to assisting children between the ages of 11 and 17 who are forced to prostitute on the streets for food to eat and a place to sleep. Since 1979 Children of the Night has rescued girls and boys from prostitution and the domination of vicious pimps. This much needed organization provides all programs with the support of private donations.

Good Karma PR is a small public relations firm dedicated to helping promote the works of those individuals and organizations that are doing something good for the world. Good Karma PR has worked with; Roseanne Barr, Cynthia McKinney For President, Ed Asner, John Trudell, Dr. Steven Jones, William Rodriguez, Architects & Engineers for 9/11 Truth, Clifford Carnicom and Dr. Gwen Scott ND. They’ve also helped launch films such as America: Freedom to Fascism, Washington You’re Fired and The Elephant in the Room.

05.15.09

One Mother’s Heart…

Posted in Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , at 5:39 pm by Kathy Broady

This week I helped my son move into his own place.

It was a lot of work.  There were boxes upon boxes to haul, big pieces of furniture to carry, bags of fresh groceries to buy, cabinets to stock.

My son, a big ol’ tall galloot of a guy, was thrilled with the idea of having his own place, and I’ll admit, he did a great job in looking around to find a really good location that works just right for him.  It’s a beautiful property, with great landscaping, lots of privacy, good neighbors, and plenty of room for that big ol’ dog to go too.

My son has been preparing for this week for a long time now.  He was eager to get out on his own, and couldn’t be more proud of himself.

I’m very happy for him.  He really did well picking a great place.  He’s determined to “man up” to the job of having his very own place, all to himself.

And that’s good, very good.  He’s the right age to be doing so, he’s got a good job, he’ll be completing his education at an excellent university.  Living out on his own is exactly what he should be doing right now.

I’ll just miss him.

A lot.

A lot, and a lot, and a lot.

He’s very precious to me.  He always has been, and always will be.

It’s times like these… when it’s hard to speak out loud because of that lump in my throat — when all I can feel is that deep heart-connection I have with my son and my grief at his moving on — that makes it so incredibly unfathomable for me to actually understand how any mother can be so emotionally removed from her children that she hands them over to be hurt.  I’m not referring to the mothers whose children get hurt when the mother isn’t able to prevent that from happening.  I’m speaking about the mothers who are capable of preventing the abuse, and just don’t. They let it happen.  They make it happen.

How do they do that?

How can they be ok with the fact that their children are hurting?

How can they be ok with the idea of hurting their own children?

When it comes right down to it, these abuser-mothers are a mystery to me.  I can understand some “head knowledge”, and I can give you some intellectual explanations, yada, yada, yada.

But do I emotionally understand it?

Nope.  Not for one second.

My heart does not understand the heartlessness of mother-perpetrators.  My heart absolutely does not understand that.

Who are these women?
What keeps those mothers from attaching to their children?
What prevents them from bonding to them?
How can they not have a pull in their hearts when their children are hurting?

I just don’t get it.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.10.09

Protective Mothers that Fight for their Children

Posted in DID Education, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, mental health, sexual abuse, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:00 pm by Kathy Broady

This blog article is a tribute to the mothers out there in the world that have spent huge chunks of their lives fighting for the safety / healing of their children.  These women are incredible spirits and are an inspiration to us all.

I know mothers who have absolutely gone the distance for their children.  These women don’t get thanked often, but I do want to let them know that they are appreciated, recognized and deeply valued.

These mothers do a lot of things right.

  • They listen attentively to their children, even if hearing the horror stories of abuse breaks their heart.  They want to know what happened, and no matter how hard it is to hear, they listen to every single word.
  • These mothers have clearly done a good job building communication with their children even before this point.  Children have to know that it is ok to tell – “telling the secret” is often one of the biggest barriers in children getting help from their abuse.  The children have to have someone safe to tell, someone they trust, someone that they can rely on to help them.  If the mother hasn’t already built that kind of relationship with her children, she has drastically lowered the chances that her children will ever tell her their deepest secrets of abuse.  Mothers that are approachable will
  • These inspirational mothers do what it takes to protect their children from abusers, including leaving the perpetrator in whatever way is necessary – divorce, moving to another area of the country, going into a shelter, etc.
  • They take assertive strong legal action against the perpetrator such as filing a report with child protective services, filing protective orders, pressing charges against the offender.
  • They withstand the pressure from other friends and family members who may, for whatever reasons, oppose taking a strong stance against the perpetrator.  These mothers know that protecting their children is more important than the approval of family members who want to hide embarrassing issues in the closet.
  • These mothers are dedicated to finding helpful resources for their children’s therapy and treatment for sexual abuse.  This is not always an easy task, and it might require a great deal of persistence, but these mothers will persist, for as long as it takes.
  • These mothers sit with their children as they cry, they comfort their children after nightmares, they let their children cling to them when “being away from mommy” feels too scary.  These mothers recognize that their children have been crime victims, that they have PTSD from their abuse, and that their neediness has skyrocketed.  Good mothers let it be ok that their children need this extra time and attention to rebuild their emotional security again.
  • These mothers are strong for their children, even when their heart is breaking.  They get their own personal support system to help with their intense emotions (believe me, being the mother of an abused child is a highly emotional situation), and they find a way, place, and time to talk about their own grief and anger so that they can be present and available for their children.
  • These mothers are brave enough to honestly assess the situation, and to look closely at how their children got tangled in an abusive situation.  They learn from whatever mistakes were made, and correct them.  They think back to see if there were any warning signs or high-risk factors that they missed, and learn how to handle things differently now that they are aware of the abuse.  They figure out what to do in the future to keep their children safe from being abused in that particular way ever again.
  • These mothers spend hours and hours of time with their children, even if they are acting-out and emotionally distraught from the abuse they suffered.  The mothers temper their discipline with deep understanding that their children are acting out of their hurt, fear, pain, anger, etc.  These moms realize that their children’s behavioral issues are not about the children being “bad”.
  • These mothers provide new and positive activities for their children to help boost their tattered self-esteem and body image.  They find recreational activities, or artistic activities, etc that give their children healthy feelings of acceptance, accomplishment, mastery, positive self-worth, creativity, growth, etc.
  • Protective mothers will do everything in their power to help their children overcome the long-term negative effects of childhood sexual abuse.  They are determined to not leave their children to suffer in silence and isolation.  These mothers actively attend their needs, provide comfort, and help their children move forward as healthy, productive members of society.

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Helping children recover from sexual abuse can be a long, difficult process, but if non-offending mothers are not willing to be protective and helpful for their children, the negative affects of the abuse can multiply and worsen through the years.  Untreated sexual abuse issues lead to all kinds of additional complicating factors such as addictions, promiscuity, self harm, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, repeated involvement in destructive relationships, angry behavior, destructive behavior, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, additional abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.  The cost of untreated sexual abuse truly multiplies exponentially over time.

Mothers that are willing to help and protect their children as close to the injury-point as possible are helping their children in the here-and-now, and creating a permanent and positive effect on their children’s lives.  These mothers are also making a positive difference that can have a positive influence on society for years to come.

For those mothers that are willing to protect their children, here are my very best wishes that today is the most wonderful Mother’s Day for you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping your children.  You truly deserve a good day today!

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.09.09

Mothers and Mother’s Day for Trauma Survivors

Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma, sexual abuse tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:17 pm by Kathy Broady

For dissociative trauma survivors, Mother’s Day is often a painful time.

For survivors with dissociative identity disorder, mother issues are usually complex and difficult to sort out.  Momma-trauma comes in a variety of forms.

For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father or other sadistic family members.  These mothers were away at work, or away at the hospital, or too ill to tend properly to their children, or divorced from the fathers and living in separate homes, etc.  Many of these mothers love their kids dearly, but still were unable to protect their children from trauma and abuse.  Most of these mothers are not to blame for the abuse – many of them are absolutely horrified and deeply furious to find out, years later, how much abuse their children went through, and their feelings of guilt and shame are huge and overwhelming.  None the less, their inability to protect their children creates mixed feelings for those children.

For some survivors, their mothers were too blind or too lost in their own denial to be willing and able to protect their children from abuse.  These mothers do have some responsibility for their role in not protecting their children.  These are the mothers that were in the home, and could have been instrumental and helpful for the protection of their children, but out of their own fear, denial or dissociation, refused to look, and refused to protect.  These mothers let their own fear be bigger than their willingness to protect their children.  These mothers may not have been directly used as accomplices, but their fears and unwillingness to protect would have most certainly been taken advantage of by the abusers.

Ouch.

For other survivors, their mothers were the abusers.  These mothers were absolutely in the room at the time of the abuse, they caused physical pain, they did inappropriate sexual touch, and they played mind games on their children.  These mothers are every bit as much a perpetrator as any other criminal.

Ouch.

So every year when Mother’s Day rolls around, it is difficult for survivors who grew up with mothers like that.  It hurts.  It’s confusing. The pain of what was longed for, but never given pierces the heart.  The agony of wishing the mother had been willing to do something helpful grows cold out of the slow but torturous and accurate realization that the mother adamantly preferred apathy or self-protection over her children’s safety and welfare.

The heart-wrenching pain caused by an unattentive or abusing mother carries on for decades.  The wounds do not heal quickly or easily.  The hurt is felt for years and years.

It’s not right for mothers to cause such harm to their children.  Those mothers are a disgrace.  They are criminal.  They are not “mothers”.

  • Real mothers are good mothers that firmly protect their children from abuse, as much as that is humanly possible.
  • Real mothers are good mothers who fight to get quality help and genuine safety for their children when someone else hurts their children.
  • Real mothers are good mothers who do not complacently overlook or ignore the needs of their children.
  • Real mothers are good mothers that put the needs of their young children over their own.
  • Real mothers are good mothers that tend to the daily needs of their young children, and adjust with the various changes needed as their children get older.
  • Real mothers are good mothers that work hard at being loyal, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, and giving to their children, forever and for always.

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What kind of mother are you to your children?

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If you are a trauma survivor…

  • What kind of mother did you have?
  • What affect has your mother had on your life?
  • How did your mother fight to protect you?
  • How did your mother contribute to your abuse?
  • What thoughts and feelings do you have now, all these years later?
  • What do you wish you could say to your mother, but couldn’t / wouldn’t say to her in real life?

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Mothers and Mother’s Day.

So painful for so many people…..

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.08.09

Introjects – What are Introjects?

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:50 pm by Kathy Broady

I am frequently asked “What is an introject?”

Most DID trauma survivors have introjects as part of their dissociative system, but there is a lot of confusion as to what introjects actually are.  There is even more confusion about what to do with an introject when you find one.

Introjects are alters.  They are a specific type of alter, but they are alters nonetheless.  They are a dissociative split from your mind/self the same as any other alter.  They would have been created during a traumatic incident just as any other alter.

Introjects are alters who were split off to represent outside people, most typically an abuser (but not limited to that, by any means), and thus create the appearance of being “introjected” within your system from an outside person. They are splits from your own mind, and they are there to help you remember / contain specific, detailed information related to whoever it is that they are “being” within your system.

Introjects are as convinced as the other parts of the system that they the same as the external people they represent.  They think they are separate from the survivors, and separate from the body of the survivor.  Many negative introjects will adamantly believe that they could hurt or harm the survivor / host of the system and not be hurt themselves.  Introjects typically truly believe they are separate people, but they are, in fact, part of the DID system.

For example, an abusive father introject (paternal introject) is an alter that looks, sounds, feels, acts exactly like your father.  In fact, from the perspectives of the inside world, it is hard to tell the difference between the inside father and the outside father.

A father introject will tell you what to do, how to behave, what to say, what to feel (or not feel), the same as your actual outside father.  One of the main purposes of a father introject is to control your behavior when you are away from the father with the same intensity as if you were right in front of him.

Many controlling abusers and organized perpetrators will create these introjects of themselves on purpose as a way to maintain control and dominance over the survivor-victim even while the survivor is away from the perpetrator.  It is a way to have the survivor experience the presence of the offender any time the perpetrator wants that to happen.

Often the internal introjects will report back to the external person they represent.  They experience themselves as a mirror of the perpetrator and keeping the perpetrator informed of the survivor’s activities is often a big part of the introject’s job.  The host and front world parts of the dissociative system will very likely be completely amnesiac for this reporting-back, and will be confused as to how the outside perpetrator actually knows so much information about them.  Don’t worry – the outside perpetrator isn’t magical.  He would have just had some loyal-to-him reporters parts from your system inform him of your whereabouts.

Introjects are not the same as programming.  Programming — the tapes/scripts that dissociative people hear within their heads — the words / phrases / teachings that get said over and over inside, very often are exactly that — programming phrases. Repeated words that were learned / internalized and are expected to control behavior. They are just messages / phases / sentences / learnings.  Programming scripts are not an alter or an introject.

Typically an abuser person would have said those phrases over and over to the person. As part of the survival process, the survivor has to “learn the rules” of the perpetrator and these words / phrasings could be planted deeply in the brain for the survivor to remember them, both consciously and unconsciously.  However, the words said and taught to someone are not the same as the person who says them.

Persecutor alters can be, and often are the same as the introjects. Some persecutor alters are alters from your system that internalized the rules of the perpetrator, and continue to follow those rules, but don’t necessarily believe themselves to actually BE the same perpetrator person. Introjects actually think they are that perpetrator person.

Some introjects can be more helpful and positive than others.  When the idea that an introject being an internalized version of an exterior person, the sky is the limit to who a child may have internalized as a helper introject.

For example, if children with dissociative identity disorder watch a lot of Star Trek, and Star Trek becomes their favorite TV show, and their favorite fantasy away from home, then the children may learn to imagine that Star Trek characters come to their rescue during moments of severe abuse.  The children may split off internalized versions of the Star Trek characters, creating Star Trek introjects as their way of getting help and imagining safety.  These introjects are helpful to the children.

Working with introjects, especially negative, harmful system introjects is a critical part of treatment for survivors with dissociative identity disorder.  The goal is to show the introjects that they actually are part of the survivor person, and not part of the perpetrator person.  There are a number of steps involved in this process, but once an introject becomes loyal to the survivor person (vs. being loyal to the perpetrator person), you will experience a much increased level of safety and stability.

Is it possible to work with an introject?

Yes, absolutely.  Your treatment for DID is not complete unless you work effectively with your introjects.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.03.09

Abandonment

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Online Therapy, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:30 pm by Kathy Broady

Abandonment is such a tender issue for trauma survivors.  Most survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have had more than their fair share of genuine abandonment instances.

For severe trauma survivors, abandonment would have been experienced over and over in various situations:

  • Each time your parents or caregivers turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse or physical abuse that was occurring to you right there in your own household
  • Each time your parents or caregivers abandoned their role of safety and became the perpetrator of your abuse
  • Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your physical needs, leaving you to be hungry, cold, unkempt, improperly dressed, neglected in any way
  • Each time your parents or caregivers handed you over to someone else that was physically or sexually abusing you
  • Each time your parents or caregivers left you alone for extended periods of time, leaving you to tend to your own care when you were too young to be taking care of yourself by yourself
  • Each time your parents or caregivers refused to give you proper medical attention or medical treatment
  • Each time your parents or caregivers ignored your pleas or cries for help, turning a deaf ear, and leaving you to deal with your crisis without their assistance


For survivors with DID, these kinds of instances of abandonment happened on a frequent basis.  All too many survivors were abandoned on a weekly basis, and for some people, on a daily basis.

How does this kind of abandonment affect people?

Excessive, repeated, severe abandonment teaches survivors to not trust.  It teaches that other people cannot be counted on.  It teaches them that they are alone in the world.  It makes them believe that no one will help, or no one will be there for them.

What’s worse, it gives deeper emotional messages to the survivors, drilling in feelings about worthlessness, unworthiness, unimportance, having no value, being bad, being stupid, being invisible.  It eliminates and destroys any self-esteem the survivor could develop.

It creates a deep-seated anger, an ongoing emptiness, a constant sense of isolation.

It scars the heart and pierces the soul.

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How can survivors of extreme abandonment recover from such emotional wounding?

First of all, to heal from extreme abandonment, it is important to realize and understand that your parents and caregivers were truly in the wrong for neglecting your needs.  When parents and caregivers make such huge mistake in their roles of tending to children, the mistake belongs to them.  It is not a message about the child, it is a message about the parent.

Parents are wrong, sometimes criminally wrong, legally wrong, in some of their abandoning behaviors.  Do not assume that your parents were “right” in their abandoning behaviors.  They were very likely doing something wrong.

Once a survivor truly hears and understands the fact that their parents and caregivers are responsible for the improper treatment of a child, then that survivor can begin their own path for healing.

But healing from abandonment is not easy.  The wounds went deep into your core existence, and overcoming that level of emotional wounding takes a lot of time and repeated effort.

Some of the steps involved in healing from abandonment are:

  • Remembering again and again that the abandonment was not your fault
  • Remembering again and again that you are not a bad person because your parents or caregivers committed crimes against you
  • Learning that while some people are criminals, not all people are criminals, meaning, while your parents were willing to abandon you to such a huge degree, not all people will act in the same manner
  • Learning to trust again, ever so slowly, little bit by bit.  Dare to try.  Dare to reach out.  Dare to build relationships.
  • Finding people, even if only one or two, that you can build meaningful relationships with
  • Being a trustworthy, reliable person so that other people will develop trust in you
  • Addressing your anger issues at the true offenders of your pain.  If you go “on the attack” to people that make small errors in your relationship (while refusing to address your feeling at your parents or caregivers who committed grave errors), then you will find yourself alone time and time again.  Work hard at showing the appropriate amount of anger equal to the level of the mistake.  Going overboard at people in the current day will not be helpful.
  • Working really really hard at separating the issues that belong to people in your past versus attributing your pain to people in your current day world
  • Develop relationships with pets or animals if you are too scared to trust people.  Building connections with another living being, where you each rely on each other, is a great starting place
  • Remembering and realizing that safe people will come back to you time and time again, unless you do something to push them away over and over again.  You can keep good people in your life if you want to.
  • Finding little treasures / trinkets / small reminders of people to help you maintain that sense of object permanence.  Out of sight does not mean that they are gone from your life.
  • Working on extended your comfort zone in terms of how often you need to hear from someone in order to feel secure in that relationship. Repeated contact, vs. excessive contact, is an acceptable way to maintain relationships.
  • Finding safe but creative ways of building relationships.  For example, if you are afraid to meet with people face-to-face, build online relationships.  Use an online therapist or an online support group as a starting place.  Connect through blogs, twitter, facebook, etc.

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Abandonment is painful, but it is still possible to build positive and healthy relationships with other people.  It will take consistent work on your part to overcome the negative, damaging teachings given to you by neglectful parents and poor caregivers, but you can do it.

Unless you really want to be alone, you don’t have to be left alone anymore.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

05.02.09

Article Links Made – Finally!

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental health, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:45 pm by Kathy Broady

Hello Everyone,

I have a page on this blog that lists all the articles I’ve written in chronological order since the beginning of the Discussing Dissociation blog.

Several people have asked me over the past few months to make links for each of the articles in order to make it easier to navigate around and to find the various topics.

And, while BTC tried to assist me with that long ago (thanks, BTC!), I just couldn’t quite figure it out (how embarrassing!).

The good news – today, just today – I have finally figured out how to make the links for all the articles on this blog.  Every single article is now linked on the List of All Articles page.

Please have a look at the list. Have you been able to read all of the articles yet?

  • Which articles mean the most to you?
  • Which articles are the most difficult for you?
  • Which articles are the most relevant for you?
  • Which articles are the most painful for you?
  • Which articles are the most challenging for you?
  • Which articles are the most helpful for you?
  • What have you learned by reading the various articles on this blog?

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I’m looking forward to many more blog articles yet to come.

Your comments and feedback are always appreciated.

Happy reading!

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com