February 16, 2009
Do’s and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Friends of Multiples, Supportive Spouses tagged Dissociative Identity Disorder, Safety, Emotional Crisis, Trauma, split personality, Kathy Broady, Abuse, Boundaries, Child Alter, Child Parts, mental health, DID/MPD, Listen, Crisis, Support Team, Multiplicity, Trauma Survivors, Supportive Family Members, Supportive Spouses, Spouses of DID survivors, Support for trauma survivors, Safe Touch, Multiples, How to be friends with a multiple, Singleton Friends, Support for DID, Supportive Friends at 10:02 am by Kathy Broady
I am not sure who wrote the following list of “Do’s and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples”. This list was e-mailed to me years ago by a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder, saying this list was comprised by an anonymous group of multiples. I have had it posted on AbuseConsultants, in the survivor poetry section of that website.
I am sure that there could be many other suggestions added to the list, but for today, I will post it in exactly the same format as I received it.
For anyone wanting to offer friendship and support to a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder, a group of multiples have suggested the following helpful guidelines:
.
Do’s and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples
- Do NOT ever touch us from behind.
- Do NOT ever touch our throat.
- Do NOT ever touch the back of our head.
- DO speak to our inner children like children.
- Do NOT ask “Who’s here now?” If we wanted you to know we would tell you.
- Do NOT tell an alter that you don’t know to “go get” the host…there could be several of the same name…different age groups.
- Do NOT expect consistency of feeling, thought, or action on any subject.
- Do NOT tell anyone to go inside because you do not like their views.
- DO set healthy boundaries.
- If you are uncomfortable with something said or done, say so, and do NOT avoid us in the future without an explanation.
- Be HONEST.
- Be understanding that we have many crisis situations in our lives of healing from our abuse, i.e.: flashbacks, panic attacks, body memories.
- Laugh, make jokes with us, really, it’s OK!
- Do NOT assume anything if you honestly want to know about our “disorder” please ask, we’ll tell you the truth.
- Do NOT treat us like “the freak you happen to know” around your singleton friends.
- Do NOT use our difficulties as a subject of conversation with your singleton friends.
- Sometimes we are paralyzed with depression, and cannot call you, clean our house, or get out of bed. Don’t take it personally.
- We will fight being hospitalized….. even though we actually show that we need it at the time. Hospitals are extremely frightening for us.
- DO be supportive of our healthy behaviors no matter how small the accomplishment may seem to you.
- DO be encouraging.
- When we ask to talk to you, we aren’t asking you to come up with answers to our problems. We don’t expect you to FIX it. Sometimes we just need someone to LISTEN… that is the greatest gift of all!!
- DON’T tell us that the abuse happened a long time ago and for us to “just get over it!” That is a HUGE insult!!
.
For those of you that are multiple, what other suggestions would you add to this list?
Do you agree or disagree with the suggestions as listed?
What have you needed your husband or wife to do – or not do — specific to your needs as a trauma survivor?
.
Your thoughts, comments, and suggestions are welcome.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
missinginsight said,
February 17, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Kathy,
I don’t know what I could add to the list at the moment. It might take a day or two to figure it out. What I tell my spouse and therapist is already there. I tell them both not to ask who is out. If we want you to know who is out then we’ll tell you.
I guess that leads me to add a “rule.” I know it leaves others in a Catch-22 when we don’t tell them who is out and they can’t ask, but I hate it when my therapist assumes who is out. When someone other than the host is out and we don’t get “credit” for it, I get pissed off.
So I guess that could be added to the list: don’t assume whose talking. Make a broad generalization that you aren’t sure who is speaking, so forth and so on.
Missing In Sight
moreheads said,
February 17, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Ms Broady
First thing I would change is “host” (#6), but that’s just my thing. We tend to use ‘front’ or ‘first front,’ because ‘host’ is too much like a SiFi movie about Aliens. We’re not body snatchers and our first front isn’t the human we took over.
Jus’ sayin’.
***Do ask what our name is, if we’ve agreed on a universal ‘nickname’ use it, many times the body names comes with triggers.
Our partner gives our system kids space to be/do thing by themselves since they get scared of adults in general.
Sam
(short for Samantha)
Kathy Broady said,
February 18, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Hi Missing In Sight,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, it puts external people in a bit of a catch-22 — “don’t ask who’s out, but give me credit for being here even if you don’t know it’s me” — but you know, lots of DID’ers have that same opinion. A lot of times I will say something non-committal to a name, but still something identifying to that unknown someone… ie: the one that was here when such’n such happened…. or, the one that does “this”… etc. That way, we can be agreeing about the “who” without having to worry about a name.
I think that really knowing the person as a whole means knowing the insiders too. When your therapist or your spouse can recognize who they are talking to by simple gestures, or a brief word or two, there is something kinda cool and definitely connected and comforting about that. But the typically DIDer has to feel really safe with those outsiders for that to happen. It’s a nice goal to have….
Thanks for posting –
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
February 18, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Hi Sam,
You know … in my experience, the “host” or main “front” is not actually the “birth person” anyway, so… the whole body snatcher theory really doesn’t apply for that reason either. So yeah, I hear you. Who wants to be known as a body snatcher anyway??!!!
I really like the idea of using nicknames — I do that myself, a LOT. When I want to know someone’s “name”, it is more so that I can have a way of reaching them. I have absolutely no objection to using nicknames, and for many inside people, that feels much safer. And it can be kept fun, and light-hearted, and it gives a person a sense of power and control to pick what name / nickname they like. So yes, I’m all for that!
As long as the inside parts and I both know the preferred nickname for them, then it doesn’t matter to me what the name is. It’s more important that the inside one is comfortable with their “name” than what the actual word is.
Thanks for the post, Sam. It’s good to hear from you.
Kathy
behindthecouch said,
February 19, 2009 at 8:07 am
Hi Kathy,
seeing as I simply don’t tell anyone in my life anything beyond “I am ill” because otherwise I start getting looks of disbelief (sometimes I’d like to be a lot less “high-functioning”) so I guess for me, as well as all of the above, I’d have to say – accept my reality as it is and don’t try to make it into something more “acceptable”. There is some overlap there with the list above, but hopefully you get my meaning.
BTC
muffledones said,
May 4, 2009 at 10:16 pm
see me
just see me who is there, just see me.
linkage « life in the plural said,
September 16, 2009 at 4:55 am
[...] Do’s and Don’t’s for Singleton Friends of Multiples United States of Tara- Going Too Far – D mentioned this program to me when it first came out. I know he’s watched it some. I don’t have Showtime, so I’ve never seen the program, but from the previews I saw, it looked awfully exaggerated and not at all representative of the majority of DID folks. DID Trauma Survivors and Getting Support from Others- or not – very relevant to some issues I’m dealing with right now The Heterosexuality Questionnaire Recovery From Sexual Abuse – a ‘blog carnival’- it posts collections of articles from various blogs, addressing specific topics. For instance, June’s topic is ‘the body’, and there is a listing of a bunch of articles submitted by different blog authors on the topic. Adding this to my reading list. Rocking Complacency – has a lot of info on programming, mind control, DID, and internet safety for trauma survivors. Too much for me to take in all at once, but I’ll be visiting regularly. [...]
juxtapieces said,
March 20, 2010 at 2:12 am
ask us what we hear inside and outside
ask us what the body is feeling, because it can tell things we don’t/might not have language for
don’t engage in arguments with angry, lewd, abusive insiders; try to just listen
remind us there is hope
remind us there is hope
remind us there is hope
when we feel no hope tell us you’ll hold some for us
methinkstoo said,
May 9, 2013 at 9:20 pm
So Helpful! Why can’t people/therapist get this stuff! Referring them to this sight has been helpful in my relationships. Thx Kathy