January 7, 2009
Developing Internal Communication – Starting with the Basics
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, mental health tagged Acceptance, Belonging, Breaking, Communicate, Communication, Confidence, Denial, DID/MPD, Dissociated, dissociative, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Wall, Effective, Emotion, Family, Healing, Hear, Hidden, Hurt, Information, Inside Part, Insider, Internal Communication, Internal World, Intimidating, Journal, Kathy Broady, Landscape, Learn, Learning, Letter, Listen, mental health, Overwhelm, Painful, Panic, Potential, Private, Relationship, Safe, Skill, Social, System, Talk, Talked, Talking, therapy, Trauma, Trigger, Triggering, Understanding, Upset, Visual, Visualize, Wall, Worry at 3:48 pm by Kathy Broady
There are a variety of ways to develop basic, effective skills in internal communication with your dissociative system. Most of these skills are very similar, even the same, as the communication skills used with real people in the everyday world. There is no fancy trick to learning to talk to your inside people. Everyone can do this.
Have you spoken to people in your everyday world? I’m sure that every one of you has spoken to outside people before. If you can speak to real people and develop ongoing relationships with them, you can certainly develop the ability to communicate and build relationships with your insiders.
Don’t panic — I completely understand that many people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have difficulties with social situations and social relationships. I am fully aware that speaking with “real people” can be intimidating, challenging, difficult, disastrous, etc.
Here’s the good news. In some ways, it is actually easier to develop communication with your internal system because they are there with you more of the time. The opportunities available to you to speak with your internal system exist all day long, and frequently all night long as well. And because they are a part of you, they will already have some innate understanding of how you think and why you think it. The ability to connect with each other can happen more easily because you already have the foundation of literally belonging together.
One of the easiest ways to facilitate internal communication is using the internal worlds – the internal landscapes of your dissociative system. Simply said — step back and go inside, look around, see who is there, and then speak to them. If you see someone — anyone — say hello, and start a conversation with him or her. If you hear others inside, even if you can’t see them, speak in their general direction. Chances are, if you can hear them, they can hear you. You don’t have to know their names. You can easily begin a conversation with “Hi, what’s your name?” or “Hello, how are you?”
Looking inside is a natural skill for most DID/MPD folks, especially once the idea of having an internal dissociative system is accepted and denial is not clouding your willingness to interact with your other parts. Communicating with your other parts will be much easier if you are truly willing to see them and hear from them. Your genuine positive acceptance of their existence is a critical foundation to effective communication.
You don’t have to be comfortable with absolutely everyone in your system to begin working on internal communication skills. Start with who you know, who you can see, who you can hear, and then build that over time to include more insiders. If you can already see someone inside, that means there is significant potential to build that relationship. The folks that are the most dissociated from you will still be hidden, or further away. That is ok. Start with folks that are already closer and less intimidating to you.
Learning to communicate well with even one or two or three other inside parts will make a significant difference. Especially in the beginning while you are learning these skills, keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed by speaking with only a few others. Even in real life, we don’t have to talk to everyone we see. Start with the people that are the closest and feel the safest and the most comfortable to you. Build your confidence with them, and plan to meet others at a later point.
If visualizing your insiders is difficult or too scary for you, try putting your communication out on paper. The main point is to start somewhere — and the sooner, the better.
Create a handwritten journal or a document in your computer that can be specifically designated as a place for you and your insiders to communicate. This needs to be private, and not open for the world or your family members to see. In that space, write letters to each other. These letters don’t have to be long. Brief introductory comments and simple questions will work just as well, if not better, than long paragraphs.
You will be breaking through old, long-term dissociative walls by doing these communication exercises, and it is critically important to not flood yourself with too much emotion or too much information when first talking to the others inside. Do not start with trauma material. Do not ask about painful secrets. At these beginning stages, purposefully stay away from any triggering topics.
The following questions and comments are typically safe conversation starters:
- Hi, my name is …. What’s your name?
- Hi little one, how old are you?
- Hi little one, you look very scared. Is there something I can do to help you feel safer?
- Hi there. My name is …. Some of my favorite things to do are … What do you like to do?
- Hi. It’s nice to meet you. Have you seen me around here before? It’s great to get a chance to speak with you. I’m hoping that several of us can get together a little more often. Would you be willing to meet some of the other people in here?
- What kinds of things are worrying you today?
- Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Would you like a drink of water? Or a nice soft blanket?
- Hi there. You look upset. I’m not here to hurt you. Can you tell me what’s bothering you today?
- Hi there, little one. Have you ever met the little girl over there? She is about your same age. Maybe the two of you can be friends. Would you like to meet her?
- Hi there. It’s nice to meet you. Have you talked with anyone before? Would you be willing to write in our journal and introduce yourself to the others that are in here?
.
These are some basic ideas. Communication gets much more complex than this, of course. This topic will be continued in future posts.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
haberlach said,
January 7, 2009 at 4:17 pm
“Your genuine positive acceptance of their existence is a critical foundation to effective communication.”
Ok, you got me on this. I have no ‘genuine positive acceptance’. I have hard time with acceptance at all. It is frustrating to me. I seriously believe it is all a bunch of crap and drama.
But then words, thoughts, feelings, not my own. I was snuggling in the beanbag chair with my husband, somebody said something (‘me’ to him, or maybe it was just general comment, I don’t remember now) I turned to him and asked if I had just said something. It didn’t sound like me or feel like me, and yet it came from my mouth.
I don’t like what they have said. People don’t really hurt kids like that. Who thinks to do something like that. But if it is made up what kind of SICKO am I for thinking them and then telling someone else they happened to me? It is an effing catch-22!!!
So I guess that will stop my ‘healing’. I suppose that is why my therapist needed a break, among other reasons. Still, why do I have to believe them? Can’t I just move forward with the appearance of acceptance? Does it have to be genuine and positive? What they say is horrendous, if I remember, and I don’t always.
davidrochester said,
January 7, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I don’t know whether it’s indicative of my often-inconvenient sense of humor, or perhaps my state of mind at the moment as far as feeling unwontedly burdened by the DID diagnosis, but I have to say … this sounded *completely insane* to me, which is hilarious to me because I’ve actually successfully done it.
So I suppose I can give the rather ambivalent testimony that it really works, even if it seems ludicrous.
castorgirl said,
January 9, 2009 at 5:08 am
Hi Kathy,
Just wondering how this process can be achieved when there are quite major barriers to communication? I’m thinking in particular of walls, different floors within an internal house etc.
Is it just a case of concentrating on communicating with the insiders you can reach, and then slowly branching out into those other areas as the comfort and stages in the healing journey progress?
Hi haberlach,
Speaking only from my experience, I was once asked to tell the history of one of the littles to our therapist at the time. This little one not only tested our therapist, but also me. She could tell that I was feeling the nausea from being shown the pictures and feeling the pain of her experiences. If I had just given the appearance of believing her experience, it would have caused a great deal of damage. It was in no way a positive experience for me, but it was important for her tell it in this way. I became trusted because of the way it was conveyed to our therapist.
Kind regards
M
PS. I’m glad internal communication didn’t sound *completely insane* just to me. Mind you, unless you experienced the telling of the little ones history as I describe it above, that sounds rather insane too.
moreheads said,
January 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Hi KB
“The way in is the way out,” is how our talk-doc put it today.
For decades we had some really good internal communication going, then we had a huge trauma hit us, the internal walls went up and there we were starting from scratch. We’re back using a notebook to communicate. Mind you we know we did this once, so we should be able to do it again. It’s just frustrating to not have that communication.
The first time we did this, our last talk-doc helped us create a meeting room, later we called it the ‘Squabble Room’ for obvious reasons. Slowly folks showed up and met each other. We’d never had a place to ‘sit down and talk’ before. This room became the place to hash out how to deal with everything from fronting to time management. Now we’re looking internally to reconnect so that we can get out of this new isolation.
Internal communication works and the great side effect you get all these friends. Okay maybe not all of them will be friends at first but in time it’s possible.
Ravin
haberlach said,
January 10, 2009 at 11:31 am
big shift happened. it is all quiet. no one to talk to.
Kathy Broady said,
January 10, 2009 at 5:38 pm
haberlach,
Yes, shifts like that do happen, especially while you are just getting started in terms of the communication process. Sometimes there will be others around close enough for you to hear or see, and sometimes, your inner people will be more “hidden” or feel further away. There are all kinds of reasons for this.
My questions for you to think about are:
Do you see any pattern for when the inside people are more quiet and hidden? ie: Do they do that in response to something happening out in the world at that point? Does that happen on a regular basis? Does it happen when certain people / events are present on the outside world?
And how do you feel? Is it better – worse – comfortable – tense – when things go quiet inside?
Do certain insiders feel more blocked off from the rest of your system than others do?
The more you watch the ebb and flow here, and watch for the patterns, you’ll find answers for why this happens. And give it a little while — you’ll hear the others inside again soon enough.
I hope you’re having a good day. Thanks for posting.
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
January 10, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Hi Ravin,
Thanks for posting. I couldn’t agree with you more!!
Yes, developing an internal “Squabble Room” as a meeting place is one of the very best ideas for improving internal communication. I love the name “Squabble Room”, LOL. The whole concept is the same as how people in the outside world get together and talk about stuff. As outside people, we don’t stay in different buildings or in different worlds to communicate. Even when talking online, we very often go to a specific meeting area where we can “see” each other. So yes, developing an internal meeting place — a neutral place that is safe for everyone, a place that belongs to everyone — is an excellent idea.
And yes, building a friendly relationship with everyone in your system is exactly the point. Even if it doesn’t start out that way, lol.
It sounds like you’ve found the benefit of this work before. And yes, it can be done again. Sorry to hear that such a huge trauma issue required the rebuilding of the dissociative walls. Ouch! Unfortunately, that kind of stuff can happen, and big destabilizing traumas can happen at any point in life. I hope you are safer now. I’m gonna guess you are feeling a little better because you are starting back on this work again. AND, because you know that talking with each other helped before, and since you have a history of such good system work in the past, I’m very sure you’ll be able to build it back again.
It sure shows how much trauma affects things tho’. And… it also shows, that as you are feeling safer, those dissociative walls can come back down.
Thanks for sharing, Ravin. Excellent points.
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
January 10, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Hi Castorgirl,
Good question. Sometimes the internal barriers have specific reasons for being there. For example, insiders on different levels may have dealt with very very different traumas, so communication with them will mean that you are ready to hear about a whole different type of abuse / trauma than you have already learned about.
I’d say, it’s safer to assume that the further away someone is in your internal world, the more foreign or opposite or upsetting their experiences are going to feel for you. The idea of starting with the people nearby means you can get more comfortable in the actual process of communicating together without having to add in the additional stress of also having to incorporate new bits of trauma information that are in themselves, difficult to hear and know about.
So yes, start with who you are comfortable with, and branch out to others as you are able to. And the idea of making a neutral meeting room, as mentioned by Ravin (moreheads), also works well. Anyone that “can” or “will” come to those rooms are often in a place more open to communication with you and the others in the meeting room. Those from your system that refuse to come to a neutral meeting place are often less ready to be system-friendly, for any number of reasons.
The Inside world is a real help in monitoring how ready and willing various parts are for communication. You can “see” how close someone is to you, or how far they are away. That in itself can tell you how “ready” they are to speak with others.
And no — this is not insane!! The internal worlds for dissociative people are very very real. As you work within that context, you’ll make a lot of progress with your system. Or, you can see where the progress is not happening as well. A picture is worth a thousand words, right??? So, as you see inside your internal worlds, you’ll be able to understand a whole lot more.
I hope you’re having a good day —
Kathy
Kathy Broady said,
January 10, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hi David,
lol… no no no, this stuff is not insane, lol. But yes, one has to remember the context! I suppose outside of the DID world, this stuff can sound pretty nuts… but oh well. It works for those that need it, and everyone else can just go on with their own lives, right?!
I think part of splitting from the trauma in itself (but not really — in actual reality — being able to leave the body or the situation) means that people just built their own inside worlds and went there to leave the trauma or the outside world. And dissociative splits typically start in young childhood when children have very active imaginations anyway, so..,. the idea of making a new world when one is dissociated from the scary yucky world isn’t really so hard to grasp. Besides, I assume that the insiders have to have a place to go to when they aren’t “out” in the body, or out in this world. They don’t just melt back into nothingness… and having an internal world sounds like a really good idea, if you ask me. Everyone needs a home to go to. Even people that live on the inside most of the time.
So — I think DID’ers are really amazing people for having created something like that.
And… I do understand that DID isn’t all fun, smiles, giggles, and puppy dogs. It’s there because things were very difficult… and for a long while, getting through the healing process is very difficult too. I’m gonna guess — that whatever point you are struggling with has a great depth of meaning to your journey. Explore the “resistance”. There will be something to it. Or under it. Or behind it.
Good luck — you can figure it out. Thanks for posting.
Kathy
mybelovedalter said,
January 13, 2009 at 7:11 am
Re: “It works for those that need it, and everyone else can just go on with their own lives, right?!”
“Wrong!” said my beloved alter.
He too vividly remembers the expression on his (hm?, mine) wife’s face when I tried to be open with her that this is what I (hm, we) am going to do. How can I do it, if it makes me worse temporarily (??), more self-absorbed after I get home because I am processing the stuff being exchanged between the alters, not being present “here and now” for her and for my two sons who need me to be their daddy full-time when I am home?
You don’t have to answer those rhetoric questions, Kathy, since I’m just venting and I’m glad (LOL) to be able to vent about things I can’t vent to normal people, because I now feel safe to do it here – finally finding online a therapist, (a DID specialist, what a luxury) who I can exchange a meaningful conversation with without needing to explain the difference between “hearing the voices” (like in schizophrenia) and “being the voices” (like in DID).
Are you kidding? Beloved alter?!? « Mybelovedalter’s Blog said,
January 13, 2009 at 9:14 am
[...] the host (what kind of host is he anyway? ) – has sold us out. Plainly and simply. Us - his “beloved” (oh, come on, spend me this) [...]
Kathy Broady said,
January 13, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Hi MyBelovedAlter,
Oh boy – you’ve brought up some very difficult issues — how to find time to address DID / healing / internal system work when you have a full load in the outside world with work, family, children, and a spouse that isn’t quite on board. It sounds like everyone in your household feels overloaded right now, and that does make it very difficult to tackle internal issues as well.
Yes, you can vent here — I certainly understand the difference between schizophrenic voices and DID voices. Yes, there’s a giant difference between “hearing” the voices and BEING the voices, lol. Well said. I’m quite sure that the vast majority of the readers here at this blog very much relate to that difference as well. AND, I understand how hard it is for other “normal” people to grasp the complexities and pressures of being dissociative. I’m glad you found a place where you can be understood “as is” without having to explain everything over and over.
And you are saying an online DID therapist is a luxury??!!! OH wow — what a compliment! Thank you!
But seriously, I understand. And I do hope this blog (and maybe some of my other online resources as well) can be beneficial for you.
I’m gonna guess that your wife probably knows more of your insiders than she realizes. She might struggle with her own understanding and acceptance of your DID diagnosis, but I would bet, seriously, that she has had much more ongoing involvement with your different people than she has grasped at the moment. Maybe she could read some of the information written at the http://www.AbuseConsultants.com site. There are a few pages there dedicated to the significant others of DIDer’s. But yeah…. she’ll have to do her own “work” in terms of accepting things for you as well. It’s not easy for anyone.
Good luck — keep reading — there will be a balance for you somewhere altho’ things are definitely not easy!!
Kathy
mybelovedalter said,
January 14, 2009 at 6:59 am
Hi Kathy!
Thank you for writing your answer to my comment at your blog.
Even before I got your reply, I tried to register into your SurvivorForum, but there was a problem and I sent an email to you.
My host’s name is XXXXXX, as you can see, and his email address is ……, but he is momentarily letting me use his address, him being in the background – hiding again LOL (and he would prefer you would contact me directly through another email address, namely that is not his primary address)
Thank you in advance,
his (not so much) beloved alter:) LOL
(I have just sent you a copy of the above email to your address. I hope you can help with the Registration…)
Kathy Broady said,
January 14, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hi to the maybe – sometimes? – beloved alter…??
), there was a gmail spammer that got through. Yeeesh – they are quick!
Thanks for your interest in SurvivorForum. I peeked into problem and the issue is with gmail addresses. Gmail is spammer heaven, and the forum gets totally swarmed in spammer registrations if we leave gmail addy’s open. SO… the registration for anyone with a gmail address has to be administratively managed on an individual basis. Even in the few minutes it took to register your screenname (it’s done now, by the way
SurvivorForum is in a transition state right now — when you go there, you’ll be able to read that in the posts — and I’ll be writing more about it here as well. Thanks again, and I’m looking forward to seeing you there -
Kathy
gobbies said,
January 15, 2009 at 10:18 am
Welcome to SF!
soulfeet said,
July 2, 2009 at 11:14 am
In another comment on this blog I shared: “I’d like to share the discovery of, what I’ve termed, my ‘personas’ that I have identified. This was something I’ve found in the last few years without knowing about dissociation. I don’t think I suffer from DID as a diagnostic health disorder (nor have ever been diagnosed as such), but I recognize that I have been/still am at times challenged with uncomfortable/dysfunctional dissociative states (obviously).”
So here is that comment. Apologies for its length!
*****************************************
)
First, my heart and great respect goes out to every individual who is challenged in this area. I applaud the work that goes into accepting, communicating with, loving, or whatever one has to do to discover and learn about those various parts and to heal. *thumbsup* (That includes for me too!! Gold stars! yes
My persona discoveries first came about in 2006 or 2007. I was doing grief work with my counselor at the time. She had me go inside to discover what was in there. I met Abandonment, genderless and faceless. He has a face now and is a light grey color…looks sort of like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Even though he is genderless from a physique standpoint, he took on a male personal for me. *shrug*
This first exercise was uncomfortable. I thought I was just making things up. As time continued I named Abandonment, Abe.
A similar experience came up with my current therapist as we were exploring (and continue to do so) damaging core belief(s). I have been deeply challenging with self-blame. As I examined this aspect, Nanna appeared. I didn’t name her right away. Yet I recognized her as my scapegoat.
I discussed (again) how I was uncomfortable with this…these personas as I called them. Was I crazy? He compassionately and confidently stated, “No.” and that he thought it was a wonderful tool for me. He suggested a ritual (a good one) to help me in this area. He suggested I explore something perhaps from my childhood in which I used to find comfort. I chose a to paint a saucer and tea cup and have a tea ceremony with Abe and Nanna, …honoring them. I’d like to sometime make more cups and saucers honoring the other personas.
Currently my persona include The Gardener who I named John; he is a gentle giant I brought him in from a dream (while asleep) I had some years back, around 2003ish. There is the Tender or Caretaker, an elderly man who is very patient and takes care of the gears, oiling them. Sally is a horse, who is timid and easily startled. (Horses were also a great comfort to me as a child.) Recently I added Lem, he has an artificial leg.
So, one of my secrets is now out. It was a thrill for me to read various articles on this blog and discover that I have a very legitimate coping tool. I”m not crazy!!
Hmmm….now I’ll (maybe?) blog about this sometime this month. Oh my!
I have written poems about Abe and Nanna and The Tender and The Gardener. Below are a few links to some poems if anyone is so inclined to read such. I hope it is o.k. I share them here.
Thanks for letting me share. Apologies again for such a long comment!
Silver linings,j
~carol welch
“Unfinished” (which is really unfinished. I’d like to continue it at some point):
http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=50569#0209two
Here is a link to one about Nanna. It has a link to the sequel as well:
http://parchmentanthology.blogspot.com/2008/11/unveiling.html
“Abandonment Part I”: http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=50569#5three
“Abandonment Part II”: http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=50569#7one
vickilost said,
December 15, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I am trying to understand all this and how it relates (and if it relates) to my experience. I experience myself very differently in different situations – more extreme than most people, I think. But I am aware of these different parts – I just dont always understand what motivates them and their likes and dislikes are different. But with these parts I am kinda there too and I know where I am and what I am doing – just the why and how are left out. I have a part that likes dangerous situations and one thats a sex worker that I have less awareness of – only that they have been out ( thats scarey).
The ‘I’ that goes to therapy has not been out a lot. I am so quiet and unable to talk and I know that in most other situations i am not like that. I cant answer questions about my life as well as usual there. I often ‘go away’ when I am in therapy and thats when I have no knowing of whats happened only that I feel spacey and my therapist is talking differently towards me.
I am also riddled with hateful thoughts about being bad and that I am going to die and that therapy is bad – but I dont believe this myself – Also a crying inside and sometimes screaming. And I get cuts on my legs that I know a part of me has done but I cant understand this I just patch myself up and ignore it.
Are these similar experiences to other people????? Or is this something different?
vickilost said,
December 19, 2009 at 3:30 pm
different?
gobbies said,
December 20, 2009 at 8:51 am
sounds similar to me
vickilost said,
February 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I am finding that i am shutting down ‘going away’ in therapy for big parts of the session. I read on another blog that some therapists tell their clients what happens during this time to help with co consciousness. ?
THe more this shutting down in sessions happens the less I am able to stay at the front and ask these questions. I also feel that i dont get to talk to my therapist anymore