01.30.09

Prevention of Sexual Abuse – What helps?

Posted in Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, mental health, sexual abuse, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:38 am by Kathy Broady

To all the Trauma Survivors Reading this blog –
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I have some questions for you.

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What kinds of things do you wish your parents had been able to do that would have protected you from sexual abuse?

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What kinds of things would have helped prevent your being abused by people outside of the home?

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If you were abused within the home, what would have helped you to get help from safe people outside of the home?

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If you were to pass your words of wisdom to parents that are truly invested in keeping their children safe from sexual predators, what would you say to them?

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Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.

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Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.26.09

Emotional Intensity, Safety and Memory Work

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy and Counseling, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 5:42 pm by Kathy Broady

Here is a quote from my article “Overcoming Instability Issues and Unsuccessful Memory Work,” posted on January 3, 2009.

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“If you cannot speak, in your normal voice, discussing your trauma memories from the safety of the here-and-now while still connected in the present, then don’t even try to address your memories. It is too soon.”

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It has come to my attention that I need to expand on these statements.

A.  Your Normal Voice

To clarify, speaking “in your normal voice” does not mean to be devoid of all emotion.  A dissociated, numb, detached voice is not your “normal voice”.  A “normal voice” can and does have plenty of emotion — otherwise, we would all sound like robots.

Pick a safe topic (one not about trauma), but a topic about which you have passionate opinions.  For example, what was your opinion about Bush vs. Obama?  Did you have a strong preference for which man you wanted to have as the next President?  How much emotion was in your voice when you expressed your opinions about the election?

Or, think of your favorite funny movie – one that really makes you laugh and leaves you feeling good for the rest of the day.  When you talk about that comedy show, reliving the funny plots to your friend, do you have emotion in your voice?

In each of these situations, most people will have a relatively strong emotional connection to the topic, but they will be able to use their “normal voice” and incorporate a healthy amount of emotion in their speech.

Reaching up to (but not beyond) this level of emotional intensity is my recommendation for early stages of trauma work.

B.  Emotional Intensity

I do not recommend that the first steps and stages of addressing memories and trauma be experienced in the extremes of emotional states.  To go from blocked, dissociated, amnesiac non-awareness of traumatic material to full-fledged, full-voiced screams and cries is far too big of a jump.  That’s a black vs. white approach, and neither extreme is going to be helpful for you.

Of course there are times when more extreme and intense emotion needs to be expressed – that is absolutely true.  However, I do not think it is in any survivor’s best interest to start at that level of emotional intensity.  Expression of that kind of emotional intensity happens way further down the line in treatment chronology.  If you jump there too soon, there will be problems.

Why??  Because of the backlash.  If you have no awareness of certain traumas for years of time, and then, within a short amount of time, you get flooded with a tidal wave of emotional information about that trauma, you can bet that there will be struggles with self-injury, self-mutilation, and physical pain as a backlash response to the sudden and excessive emotional pain of remembering.

The strength of your dissociative walls – the years of not knowing about certain traumatic information, emotion, and physical feelings – clearly and without question indicates that there is, and will be for an extended period of time, system conflict about that memory information surfacing.

While some parts will be very relieved at the chance to talk about their trauma, you will also have some insiders upset and angry that the memory surfaced in the first place.  Some insiders could be so upset if memories surface or are talked about that they might threaten punishment or harm, or they might forego threats and simply act on their own beliefs and their own feelings.  You will have some insiders re-living the physical pain, and others trying to deny the whole shebang.  With all the opposing responses going on within your system, you won’t be able to sit with the emotional intensity for very long.  An internal war will follow.  That’s not very healing.  That’s quite traumatizing.

It is much better and safer to approach emotional intensity in graduated steps — to build your tolerance and emotional endurance, and to make sure that there is no internal backlash.  While some parts of you might want to scream and shout, there may very likely be someone else inside who will believe that kind of behavior should be punished.

If you don’t have sufficient system cooperation to be expressing such intense emotion, and to maintain your safety in the days following, then it is not safe for you to be pushing for that level of intensity.

C. The Here and Now

When doing trauma work, it is absolutely critical to have a solid connection to the present day, the here and now.  All too many dissociated insiders actually think / feel / believe they are still living in the time frame that they are most connected to.  Just because you – the adult host — know it is 2009, does NOT mean that your inside parts have that solid awareness.  They are more familiar with other time zones.  They may fully believe they are still there, in those times, living in those places, near those perpetrators, etc.  They will be frightened of ongoing abuse, and will react accordingly.

Check that thoroughly.  If for any reason, your insiders still think they are in that traumatic time frame, they will still be too afraid to address the issues in the most effective ways.  They will still believe their perpetrators can hear them, or can see them, or will be showing up again at any moment.  (Working with internal introjects of external perpetrators is a huge issue, but will be addressed in at a different time.)

As you show the current time frame to your insiders and prove to them that they are living in a new time frame (2009), and that they are living in your current house, that the perpetrators they fear are far far away, you are giving your memory-holding parts the ability to get grounded back to the current day once they begin memory work.  This grounding to the current time frame is critical for them to know they are safe.

D.  Current Safety

ALL parts must know they are safe enough to talk about their trauma, but this is especially true for child parts.  They have to know that it is ok, and that the perpetrator isn’t going to show up and hurt them for talking.  They also have to know that the other insiders will not punish them for talking about their memories.

Before starting any memory work with young parts be sure to address the following issues with them:

  • Are they still connected to now – 2009?  Show this, prove this, in any way that they can.
  • Can they still see the room that you are physically in?
  • Can they see that you live in this house now?
  • Can they see that the house looks different?  Can they see how the yard, garage, grounds, barns, etc look different from when the places where you grew up?
  • When they are talking about the scary things that you remember, can they come back to being right there, in the current-day place where you are – the place that is far, far away from where those mean people live?
  • Can they see your therapist’s office?  Do they see the couch there? The pictures / decorations that are there?  Do they know that your therapist’s office is also a very very very long way away from where those bad people are?

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Reassure all child parts that you can and will keep them safe, both inside and out.  If you cannot promise that you will be able to keep them safe from mean insiders and outside perpetrators, then address those issues first, before attempting to make the hurting parts talk about trauma.

Everyone needs solid reassurance about safety BEFORE talking about their trauma.

Safety First!!!

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForm.com

01.24.09

Understanding Child Parts in the Dissociative System

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:27 pm by Kathy Broady

Child parts come in all shapes and sizes – small, tall, skinny, short, chunky, pristine, messy, filthy, princess-like, raggedy, male, female, quiet, noisy, screaming, crying, silent, confused, dazed, sleepy, busy, playful, happy, sad, angry, fearful, bouncing, babyish, stiff, awkward, hurting, numb.

As different as they are, they all have similar qualities.   They are typically some of the oldest, most knowledgeable members of your system.

But as the youngest parts, how can they be the oldest?

Let me explain.

For example, if you split off a 5-year-old child part when you (and the body) were a literal age 5, and you are now age 35, that child part has been around for 30 years.  Even though that little one might not have aged during that time, they may very well have seen or participated in many of your life’s events over the past 30 years.  Being around for 30 years means they are one of your oldest parts.  They could contain 30 years worth of memories, information, emotions, relationships, etc.

Child-aged parts do not have to be split off when the body was young, but many of them were.  They will be very much aware of many of your life’s events.  They will remember who many of the people are, and they will know who else from your system was involved in activities of the time. They lived through all the various years, so their ability to know and remember can be impressive.

Child parts will also, of course, retain much of the trauma information from your early years of life.  People are at their most natural dissociative ability when under age 7 – the same years when they are also the most physically vulnerable, small, and defenseless.  For young children, almost every single person in the whole wide world is bigger, stronger, and smarter than they are.  Children are at the mercy of the adults around them, and when those adults are sadistic – cruel – vicious, children have to find a way to cope.  Being physically unable to defend themselves, and typically not given the option to literally leave abusive environments, children can “leave” in their minds, even if they can’t leave with their feet.

During the crisis moments of the actual trauma, dissociative splitting is incredibly helpful.  Going far away inside when you cannot go far away outside at least gives most of the person a fighting chance to be in a place to be as far away from the trauma as possible.

But it is sad, massively sad.  These child parts were split off because there was no other help for them.  There was no other way out for them.  There was no other safety for them.  There was no other protection, no other escape for their pain, and all too often, there was no other comfort for their heartbreak and emotional conflict.

The very first time you see your child parts, they may very well be locked into the same state where they were split off.  They may still be trapped in that “time zone” of the original trauma, and they may or may not know that years of time have gone by.  They may present with the same injuries, messiness, blood, and gore that they experienced at the time of their trauma.  Or they may manifest in metaphorical pictures of what they felt like during their trauma, or in the aftermath.  Most of a dissociative survivor’s internal kid parts were split off to deal with trauma-based situations, so unless you had a happy childhood, don’t expect to find bunches of happy child parts.

Because these little young ones are the foundation of your multiplicity, it is very important for the older leaders and hosts of the system to understand that so much of your healing revolves around meeting the needs of these children frozen in time.

Each time a little part of you had to split off and stay stuck in that their trauma, a piece of you – the overall person – was unable to grow up in a healthy, safe, productive manner.  And honestly, until their young needs are met in a safe manner, the inner kids will stay there, exactly as their abusers left them.

The good news is that as you meet the needs of these child parts, they will naturally progress on their own.

Many mental health professionals use age progression techniques to “make the kids grow up quickly.”  I have a different perspective on that.  First of all, I do not think that snapping the fingers and magically saying (or hypnotically suggesting) that kids parts grow older means that the kids can actually get older.  I am sure they will try their darndest to do that.  But I doubt that they will be able to maintain that kind of suggested aging.

In my opinion, the child parts are frozen in these young ages for a reason.  They were not safe enough to move forward in life, and their entire development was arrested on the spot.  Pay attention to that.  Listen to them.  Look at their appearance.  Have empathy for their emotional state.  All this information means something.  They are telling you exactly where they were, what was happening, and why they are stuck there.

If a real child, in the outside world, was standing in front of you, and looked like that, what would you do for that child?

How would you help an outside child to overcome a current-day trauma?

Use those same exact skills to help your inner children.

As you tend to all their unmet needs, and give your child parts the healthy, positive, comforting response they needed at the time of their splitting, they will be allowed to move forward from the place they were stuck.  If they need safety, protect them from whatever they are afraid of.  If they need food, feed them.  If they need a drink, give them something safe to drink.  If they need a chance to play, let them have fun.  If they need to learn and develop their intellect, let them try new things and develop more skills.  Figure out what they have been lacking for genuine growth and development, and give it to them.

Create positive, healing experiences for your child parts.  As you give them what they were missing in the first place, they will automatically, naturally grow older.  They won’t stay “stuck” as they are once their needs are being met.  They will progress.  They will learn.  They will expand their vocabulary.  They will find new skills and develop greater mastery.

This creates natural age progression.  Your internal child parts can mature the same as any outside child would.  It is a much more realistic way of helping your inner kids to grow up.  It is real.  Genuine.  It’s not going to fall apart at the first hint of stress.

Magical answers are unrealistic.  If you want your child parts to progress into healthier parts of you, then let them experience life in such a way that they can naturally grow up on their own.

However, growing up and maturing doesn’t automatically mean your child parts will get older!!

More about that and ideas about how, where, when to do all this will be presented in future writings.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.23.09

Thinking Ahead — Preparation for Working with your Child Parts

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:11 am by Kathy Broady

As I am writing my longer post about working with child parts, I want to encourage you to think about this topic as well.   Read the following questions, and be honest with yourself – think about them.  Journal about them, and make these questions the topics of discussion in your internal meetings.  Try the acronym exercises if you need a starting place.

  • What are your beliefs about child parts?  Who are they?  What are they? Why do you have child parts?
  • What are your healing and therapy goals for working with your child parts?
  • Do you want your child parts to grow older?  Or are you happy to incorporate them into your life at whatever age they are?
  • Would you feel better if your child parts grew up?  What would you lose if they got older?  What would you gain?
  • Do you remember the same things the child parts remember?  If not, do you believe them?  Why or why not?  Do you understand why they might have different memories than you?
  • Do you know how to comfort, soothe, and protect your child parts in safe and healthy ways?  List out viable options.  Examine various barriers causing complications and troubles for you.
  • Can you sit near your child parts without hurting them, and without having any unhealthy or destructive internal struggles?  If not, do you know what gets in the way of this happening or how to address the issues?  If so, are you able to hold their hand or let them sit with you in a safe and comforting way?
  • Do any of your child parts bring joy, laughter, and smiles to your life?  How so?
  • Do any of your child parts carry your pain? Your emotions? Your trauma memories?   If so, what are you doing to address those issues?
  • Are you actively involved in aggressively protecting your child parts from anyone inside or outside that will hurt them?  Why or why not?  What are you doing that is effective?  Where do you need help?

Working with child parts is a complicated and critical part of the therapy for trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorders.  Your approach to your kids, your values and your beliefs about the kids will affect how you do your work with them.

Is your approach effective?

If you were the child, would you want to interact with you?

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.19.09

When It’s Dark and Scary on the Inside…

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:32 pm by Kathy Broady

Trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder can see an internal world.  Step back, turn around an look inside – it will be there.

What happens if you have looked inside and all you see is a lot of darkness, or desolation, and not so many people with welcome arms?

First of all, think about what internal darkness means to you as an individual.  There are a variety of options. For example:

  • It could have metaphorical meaning – what does darkness mean to you?
  • It could represent how your life history feels emotionally to you.
  • It could represent how barren, empty, starved, and deprived you feel in terms of getting your basic human needs met.
  • It could represent the lack of emotional connection between you and your insiders at the moment.
  • It could mean that you are feeling too scared to know.
  • It could represent the way you were told or instructed to make your internal worlds look (ie: some survivors have had abusers that controlled what to make and create on the inside).
  • It could mean denial – that you really don’t want to know what is happening in your internal worlds.
  • It could be a cover or a façade or a front area that blocks off the rest of the internal worlds.
  • It could mean that some little ones hid in the dark and therefore their internal world is also dark. Those parts of you might feel safer and more hidden in the dark, and they might like it that way.
  • It could mean that some of your parts were put into a deprivation sort of situation where their trauma itself kept them locked in a dark space.  They may not know anything but darkness, so their internal areas will be representative of what they lived through.
  • It could mean that there are others deeper within your system making your world dark on purpose.

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There is no one answer to explain why you see what you see.  The goal of your therapy work is for you to understand your internal worlds as they apply to you, the individual.

Desolation very often represents neglect.  Think about what land or households look like when they are ignored for years.  Would the grass be green and trimmed?  Would there be any grass at all?  Would the buildings be in good condition? Would the area be clean and well-kept?  Would it look like a tornado has spun through it?

Has your internal system been neglected?  If you were to picture the way their feelings of neglect would look, what would it look like?

When you look at your insiders, do they look similar to neglected or abused children?  Do they have clean, fitted clothing? Stylish haircuts? Plenty of food and water?  What do you see in their eyes?  What can you feel from their souls?

Think about the actual devastation caused by hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and floods.  The damage and destruction is enormous – totally overwhelming, requiring years of rebuilding and repair.  Personal tragedies, loss, neglect, and chronic severe trauma have a similar effect on survivors’ emotional lives.  With DID survivors, when there is no one around to help clean up the mess after the years of severe trauma occurs, or to offer comfort and consolation or ongoing protection, their internal worlds can become as chaotic and destroyed as a hurricane site.

Without ongoing care and attention, your internal worlds can become similar to such landscapes.

But remember – these internal worlds belong to you.  You can make changes in them, and as you incorporate more positive steps, your internal system will feel better.  Think about it: if you lived in there, would you feel better sitting for days in a deserted, dark, barren, rocky desert?  Or would you feel better sitting in a comfortable warm house, full of basic necessities, surrounded by a grassy field with pretty flowers and shade trees?

When you see that your internal world needs some attention in order to make it comfortable, start where you can.  Some starting places are:

  • Build a new area, totally separate from the desolate area, and create it as a safe place, that is very pleasing to the eye, and comfortable in every way you can think of.  Invite the members of your system to come there.  You can make community rules such as, in this living space, no one is allowed to hurt anyone else, everyone gets to their own possessions, and everyone gets their own private living space, etc.
  • Take a corner of the dark and desolate area.  Try making it a more pleasant living space by making necessary changes.  Invite others to visit, and to talk about the kinds of things they’d like to see in your internal worlds.
  • Specifically make an effort to speak to the others that you see inside.  If you don’t see anyone, leave written messages in visible places.  Come back and check to see if you’ve gotten any response from anyone.
  • Leave packets of food, drinks, soap, clothing, and other basics that would come in handy for others that are in need.  Watch to see if anyone inside is willing to claim these items.
  • Listen closely. Do you hear others?  Where is the sound coming from?  Walk in that general direction.  As you get closer, call out and introduce yourself as a friend that is approaching.
  • As much as possible, be sure to also nurture yourself in your outside world the same as you are doing in your internal world.  For example, if you see that your inner children are starving, give them something to eat.  And if you are hungry and starving on the outside, nurture yourself by getting something healthy to eat as well.
  • Speak to the ones you see.  Approach them gently.  Find a way to reach them without scaring them more.  Pay close attention, and match what each person needs – it will vary from person to person.  Treat them as kindly as you would treat an outside person that looked scared or hurting.  Comfort them, and do what needs to be done to help them feel safe.
  • Ask the insiders what they need or want to feel safe and protected.  You might see things on your own, but get their opinion as well.  They will know more about who / what they are afraid of, and listening to what they need will help you to be more precise and accurate in terms of giving to them.

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One of the most critical points to remember is this.  No matter what you do, do not leave the barren dark areas of your internal worlds neglected and without care or attention.  Don’t turn your back on your insiders that need your time and nurturing.  Give all your insiders the safety, protection, and caring that they have so desperately needed.  Help each of them to heal by giving them the things they (and you) have been missing in their life.  It’s ok for you to take the time you need to figure out how to do that but please don’t be guilty of neglecting your own system.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.18.09

Using the Internal Landscape to Increase Internal Communication

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:46 pm by Kathy Broady

Trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have an internal world – an internal landscape that is visible, tangible, and very real for the different internal parts.  No one on the outside can see this internal world – it is within the mind of the DID person and it belongs totally and completely to them.

Many times, this internal landscape is an internalized replica of what happened in the outside world.  For example, you might see a house that looks just like the place where you grew up.  Or you might see rooms that appear to be the same as rooms where you were hurt.  When you first look within your internal world, it is not uncommon for most of the landscape to parallel your trauma history.  It is, in fact, during the traumatic times that your various parts were split off.

However, the internal world belongs to you, it was created by you, and it does not have to stay “as is”.  If you can visualize something new, you can change your internal world.  If you want to create and develop nice internal homes, you can do that.  It is your world, and you can surround yourself with whatever you choose.

This internal world can be changed and affected by work done with external people with the internal parts.  Like any other situation, if the interactions are with a safe person, the changes to the internal world will lead to greater healing and stability.  If those interactions are with a not-safe person, the changes in the internal world will be done to serve the offender / abuser, and will not benefit the DID survivor.

The internal landscape comes naturally with the concept of dissociating because the other people that are split off from the natural born child have to have a place to be, to exist, to live.  They have internal homes – their own place be – when they are not out presenting in the body.

When the host person is in a lot of denial about the DID system, it is not unusual for that host part to not be able to see much of the internal world.  Hosts with denial very often say, “It’s dark inside”, or “It’s all black”, or “I can’t see anything.”  When this is the case, it is a very clear indicator that there is work to be done.

The host person of your system may not be the best person to go to when you are trying to work with your internal worlds.  The host typically has the job of dealing with the outside world.  Hosts are great for that, but someone else in your system could be better prepared to work with internal worlds.  For that matter, if the host person has a great deal of trouble accepting that there are internal worlds, you might have to side-step that debate, and work on the issue separately as an internal group.  Invite your host to join in with you, but don’t stop doing this work if the host personality finds this too difficult.

You will have internal leaders as well – they may or may not be the same leaders that deal with the external worlds.  These leaders will likely be aware of who is in their area.  They even be aware of other areas that are separate from their own “world”.

Those of you that can see each other can create an internal meeting place – a neutral area, much the same as a living room or den of a house.  Create this place as an area that belongs to everyone and is created to be shared between whoever shows up.  This makes for a good place to practice overall group communication.

Use this room to have general group meetings, to talk about daily events, to discuss decisions, to make plans.   Check in with each other – ask how the others are, how they are feeling today, and what’s going on for them. The more your group as a whole participates in life issues, and becomes aware of each other, listening to each other, the more cohesion and cooperation you will get.  Developing a group consensus – where insiders can agree to do various issues, will significantly improve your overall stabilization and ability to function.

Besides group meetings, make it abundantly clear that it is also ok for everyone to speak with everyone else. This is important, as breaking the “no-talk rules” is critical in your overall healing.  Encourage each other to spend time together, to get to know each other, to talk on a regular basis.  Do not base these kinds of communications on trauma material – base these on typical outside interactions, where you get to know the person, what they do, what they like, who they are before you start asking about crisis or traumatic material.

When you look around your internal world, you will get clues from the actual landscape that is there.  If you see a locked door or a walled off area – there could be someone else on the other side, specifically separated from the rest of you.  If you see black fuzzy shadowy areas, there are very likely groups of other people hidden inside of those.  If you see a house or a building, there will likely be people inside those areas as well.

Explore.  Walk around. Look deeper into areas that you haven’t gone into before.  Look in the hidden areas – you’ll find all kinds of internalized parts if you look for them.  Think about where you used to hide as a child.  If you look in those same kinds of places on the inside, you’ll find some of your internal kids hiding there in your internal worlds.  These hidden kids may also know where other hidden children are.  Be sure to ask.

If you are leery about doing these walk-arounds on your own, take someone with you.  The buddy system works well and be sure to inform the others inside that you are exploring, and ask them to come check for you if you’re not back in a certain amount of time.

Your inside world will be a mini-version of what your life has been like.  What happened externally will have been internalized.  In many ways, your internal world will be a version of your life story, and all the insiders needed to get through the different events.  The places will be the same. The stories will be the same.  It’s you and your life – just on the inside.

Remember, as you find someone inside, approach them the same as if you were looking at an outside person in that situation.  If they look hungry, give them something simple to eat.  If they look thirsty, share a favorite drink with them.  Give them clean clothes, warm blankets, a warm wash cloth, and small teddy bear for comfort if they are young.  First meet their physical needs.  Your first priority is to help them feel safe and protected.

Once these parts feel safer with you, they will begin to talk with you a little more.  Do not push for memory content.  This will overwhelm too many people too fast, and it’s not necessary.  If the hidden ones you find will move to a new area closer to the safe common ground, that is great.  It might take a lot of work, before they are comfortable enough to do that, but let them know the option is available whenever they are ready for that.

Start with getting everyone connected more in the here and now.  Let them peek at the external life to see that they live in a new place and time.  Many of these insiders will have been locked in their traumatic worlds all their lives.  They need time to see that it is now (2009), and that it will be news to them that they can live in a safer place.  Build nice areas for them to stay, so they don’t have to go back to their traumatized “homes”.  The longer they can stay in safe neutral areas, the better.

(To be continued…..)

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.17.09

25 More Ways to Avoid Self-Injury and Prevent Self-Harm

Posted in Dissociative Identity Disorder tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:33 pm by Kathy Broady

This blog is a continuation of the initial article posted on December 31, 2008, “25 Ways to Avoid Self-Injury and Prevent Self-Harm.”

If you are feeling pressured to get past the “heat of the moment” and you need some ideas of how to do this safely, try using a handful of the following ideas.  These ideas will not help solve your self-injury issue on a long-term basis, but they could help you to get through the actual moments when you are feeling at the highest risk.  Safe distractions that also provide some element of emotional expression are a good balance.

  1. Find a brick wall (or any kind of strong wall with no windows), and kick a soccer ball against the wall.  Consciously put the anger you are feeling into the ball as you kick it.  The cracking sound of the ball smacking the wall can be satisfying as well.  The louder the better!
  2. Use handfuls of ice, ice packs, or cool cloths to soothe and calm yourself.  Some people may find warm cloths or heated warm towels more comforting.  Changing a physical sensation in your body and concentrating on that may help to calm your frayed nerves.
  3. Put your anger into something useful — be more assertive with utility companies that aren’t doing their job, or tackle other external household issue that need a more aggressive approach.  I’m not necessarily promoting being rude to someone who doesn’t deserve it, but you might be able to constructively resolve an existing problem with your added energy and intensity.
  4. Color or draw. Small, repetitive movements are soothing and calming, and you might learn something from your picture.  The others inside might tell what they are upset about through the drawing that is made.
  5. Dance out your feelings.  Use strong energetic body movements to release the adrenaline and to wear yourself out.  Pick music that fits your mood.  Sing along if you can – the voice release is good too.
  6. Write a long letter to your abuser(s).  At this point, write these letters with plans to NOT send them.  The point is not to set up a confrontation.  Let your focus be on expressing your feelings about what they did to you.  Write the things that you might never have the courage to actually say to them in real life.  When you are finished, you can read the letters out loud repeatedly.  Use intensity in your voice.  Let yourself say the words with emotional honesty and genuine expression.
  7. Get obsessed with some safe activity — for example, do in-depth research on a particular subject on the internet, pull every weed from your yard, wash every dish in your cupboards, pace 10,000 steps, etc.
  8. Count those annoying little doodads on the ceiling, and when you lose count -  which you will – start over.
  9. Do puzzles (the harder the better).  There are lots of free online jigsaw puzzle sites if you do not have any actual puzzles in your home.
  10. Practice relaxation, yoga, and deep breathing exercises. Take long, slow, deep breaths.  Inhale deeply and slowly, hold for a few counts, then release your breath slowly.  Do this until you can feel yourself calm down.
  11. Play video games, and take your aggression out on beating the game, or smashing and bashing the other “enemy” characters in the games.  Time away “in another world” can help release the pressure you are feeling right now in your world.
  12. Clean out your fridge or freezer, scrub it, making it clean and organized.  This same idea can be applied to closets, or drawers, or bookshelves, etc.  Getting involved with a complicated household task will give you another focus, a place to put your energy, and a positive sense of accomplishment when you are finished.
  13. Alphabetize your books, CD’s, Videos, DVDs, etc.
  14. Hammer nails into a piece of lumber or old tree stumps until you are exhausted. Watch your fingers – the idea is to NOT do any self-injury!  The physical movement will be helpful, the noise will be satisfying, and if you speak about your anger and upset while you are banging away, you will be expressing your feelings at the same time.
  15. Wash your vehicle, your outside windows, your driveway, your floors, etc.  The physical movement helps, and the accomplished feeling of being clean afterwards can help lift your mood.
  16. Go sit in the waiting room of a hospital, and read a book or magazines, and sip on coffee.  You do not have to talk to doctors or any of the hospital staff – people will assume you are there waiting for someone who has an appointment. Just being in a calm, safe place can help.
  17. Take the time to groom your pets and give them treats.  Try teaching your dog a new trick.
  18. Do something for yourself that makes you feel pretty, such as brushing your hair, doing your nails, getting your hair cut, coloring your hair, wearing perfume, etc.  When you feel lousy, try doing the OPPOSITE of that by doing something that helps you feel pretty.
  19. Make something creative. You might have to pre-plan this, or have some options available just around the house.  Finish a paint-by-number picture, work on needlepoint or sewing projects, try beading, learn how to make your own jewelry, etc. Getting creative will help distract you and put you in a better frame of mind.
  20. Do a collage. It is amazing what comes out in pictures, and you might not have realized what was going on in the background.  The collage might explain it to you.
  21. Do acronym writing exercises.  These might help you uncover why you are feeling so terrible while expressing some of the pain.  Expression often eases the pain.
  22. Hold a frozen orange. Feel the coldness.  Look closely at the frost on it. Hold the frozen orange where you wish to SI. Scratch the orange, smell the aroma. Look at bright orange color.  Count the little dots in the orange peel.  As you feel better, allow yourself to eat the orange and throw the peelings away.
  23. Throw water balloons at a fence, a wall, or a tree and watch them explode. As you throw each water balloon, make a comment about something you are upset about. Use your body and your voice to express your feelings.
  24. Build a model car or airplane or create something that takes a lot of detailed mental focus.
  25. Go to the library or book stores where it’s fairly quiet, but people are around.  Make a list of 100 books you would like to read at some point in time.  Or pick five books from each aisle that you would be willing to read.  You can browse for hours, and no one would think anything of it.  The same kind of book browsing could happen at online book sites as well.

Stay busy – do things over and over from these lists until you feel safe enough to manage your self-injury impulses.  Sometimes just getting past the peak time will be enough to keep you safe.

The more you work on emotional expression in an ongoing way without allowing it to build up to a critical numbing point, the better.  One of the biggest keys to resolving self-injury issues is to increase your emotional endurance.  The more you can sit with your feelings, the less you will have to hurt yourself to numb them away.

Safety first!

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.16.09

Lists of 100 Reasons

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:51 pm by Kathy Broady

This is an excellent journaling exercise that can be adapted to any topic at any time. The entirety of the exercise is to find a difficult or complicated topic. Ask yourself a question about that topic and then write out 100 responses to that question.

For lots of people, one hundred sounds like a huge number for a writing exercise, but once you start thinking about the issue in smaller increments, you might be pleasantly surprised with how many thoughts come to mind so quickly.  Most people find this exercise easier to do than they realize.  On really big or complex topics, one hundred might not be enough.  If you want to keep going past one hundred, please do so.

This exercise is good when you do not have an immediate or direct answer for your struggle.  Start with listing the peripheral, simple reasons, and as you write more and more, you will likely reach more specific and complex answers to your concern.

Or this exercise is good to use when you feel like you are flooded with too many answers.  Writing out every option that comes to mind can help to organize your thoughts and validate your big feelings.

Any of the following questions could be your starting point:

  • What are 100 things that are on my mind right now?
  • When I am feeling overwhelmed what 100 things are bothering me?
  • What are 100 things that frighten me?
  • What are 100 things that I am angry about?
  • What are 100 positive things that happened when I was a child? (100 negative things? 100 harmful things?  100 helpful things?)
  • What are 100 things that I like and enjoy?
  • What are 100 things I wish I could say to my mother (father) but can’t or won’t?
  • What are 100 things I wish my parents had handled better for me?

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You can pick the topic and make the question relative to whatever you are experiencing at the time.  Pick an issue that you are addressing in therapy now.  Use this process to help sort through your thoughts and feelings.

The purpose of such a long list is to take sufficient time to get past the surface obvious answers to your question and to get into the deeper more subconscious answers to your question. Plus, the self-expression and self revelation required to do this exercise make it an interesting task.  Breaking down any huge emotion, or any complex situation, or any frightening topic into smaller chunks will help you to develop a sense of mastery and control over the issue.  Smaller items are easier to manage than the overwhelming whole.  You might be able to fine-tune your struggle into more specific areas by doing this exercise than how it felt ahead of time.

For example, “I’m scared of everything” – a vague, over-whelming, sweeping out-of-control feeling – could become “I’m afraid of specific item A, specific item B, and specific situation C.”  By definition, you can start to consciously realize and remember that there are lots of “everythings” in the world that are not specifically A, B, or C.  Pinpointing troubled areas helps you to know there are other areas that are not a problem. That’s a good thing.  Finding safety somewhere is better than feeling afraid “everywhere”.

It is best to complete the list in one sitting, if at all possible. Write your answers as quickly as possible, and don’t worry if an answer gets repeated more than once. The repetition of an answer can imply that that particular issue is truly bigger than many of the other issues listed.

Remember to pay attention to your own emotional saturation point.  While this journaling exercise is intended to help you gain mastery over difficult topics, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed from pulling up too much at once, immediately step back for a few minutes and take a breather.  Get grounded again before you start to work on it more.  You might consider dividing your topic into an even smaller focus area, or you might purposefully start and stop a few times, just to keep more stabilized.

Once you have completed your lists of reasons, be sure to read over it a few times.  When you are looking at it from a whole, you might see different things than when you were inching through the individual points.  You might find several repeating themes, or whole new areas of thought that you hadn’t expected to surface.  Be sure to discuss your findings with your therapist, especially when you learn new bits of information.

To make this an exercise in system communication, allow and encourage the other parts of your system to participate in the making of the list of 100 things.  Individual parts can each have their own lists, or they can put their name / initials beside their contributions to the group lists.  Or use this exercise to focus questions more in the directions of system work.  For example:

  • What are 100 kind things I can say or do for my inner kid parts this week?
  • What are 100 areas of conversation that we as a system can talk about?
  • What are 100 activities I want to do with my inner people?
  • What are 100 things we can do in our internal world to make our internal landscape more pleasing and comfortable for us?
  • What are 100 things that I hear from inside today?

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These kinds of exercises, whether done on paper, or within your internal committee meetings can give you a format, a method, or a starting place to help you hear and understand your other system members.

Remember, developing good, effective internal communication is the key to your healing.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.15.09

Acronyms As a Way to Bridge Communication

Posted in DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:51 am by Kathy Broady

Acronyms are some of my favorite writing exercises.  I am repeatedly impressed with the amount and quality of helpful information that can surface through the use of acronyms.

Acronyms are helpful when you get stuck.  They are also particularly helpful when addressing a topic head-on or “with logic” is getting you nowhere.  Sometimes, it is better to take a more gentle, roundabout, less direct approach.  Let the information and feelings surface on their own without having to break the no-talk rules that are often so deeply embedded within.

Acronyms are particularly helpful when you just can’t quite figure out how to say what is going on for you.  Or, when the parts inside are struggling with whether to tell you or not, and they don’t want to say it directly.

Acronyms are a creative way of “telling without telling.”

Pick any word or phrase or theme that describes how you feeling or what you are thinking at that moment.  For example:

.

  • What’s bothering me today?

Upset about school; Angry with my boss; Blocked feelings

  • How would I describe how I feel today?

Frustrated and mad; totally numb; scared of everything

  • What about my relationship with _________.

My mother is stupid; Afternoons with Suzie; Uncle Sam is weird

  • I am remembering ________.

Nights at that house; Visits from Ted; Nightmares

  • I keep thinking about __________.

Voices I hear; Seeing others inside; My puppy Patches

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Write this word or phrase vertically on the page.

As you think of that theme, take one letter at a time, and write down the first word or phrase that you think of that starts with that particular letter. Again, there is no right or wrong, just write down the words that come to mind as you think about your theme word. If you immediately think of more than one word for any particular letter, you can write down both words if you want to.

If you get stuck on a letter that is difficult, you can adjust the exercise however you see fit. The easiest option is to turn the difficult letter into any “miscellaneous” letter of your choice, allowing you to fill that spot in with any words that come to mind about your theme.

Once you have completed the list of words for your acronym, read through what you have written. Take this writing exercise a step further by using that same list of words as parts of a paragraph. The words can be used in any order in combination with as many other words as needed to complete your paragraph.

Read through your paragraph. Is there a particular phrase, or word that stands out to you? Again, there is no right or wrong answer. Pick a word or phrase that either needs further explanation, or seems to summarize your thoughts the best, or just “hits you” as important.

Using this new word or phrase, start the exercise again. Repeat this process as many times as necessary – with a new acronym, a new list of words, a new summary paragraph. You can repeat this process again and again because each new acronym will lead to greater understanding of the issue at hand.

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Example of Acronym Writing:
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I    inside
N    never
T    terrible
E    each
R    reaching
N    not
A    again
L    live
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Reaching the inside is not as hard as you might think. Yes, they have experienced terrible things that no one should ever have to endure. They need reassurance that they will never have to do that yucky stuff ever again. Let each part of you live a safe life.
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R    real scared
E    everybody
A    again
S    still
S    safe
U    understand
R    reality
A    always
N    nobody
C    crying, comfort
E    each

I understand that everybody feels real scared about writing, and talking, and telling. It is important to know the reality of what has happened so you can learn how to become safe. It is ok now for each of the child parts to have comfort. They are still crying because they have been hurt again and again. They need to know they can always be safe. I am here to help you find safety. Nobody deserves to be hurt, not even the inside parts that are named Nobody.

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Pick the word or phrase that sticks out for you in this second paragraph.  Do a third acronym with those words, then a fourth acronym, then a fifth, etc.  Keep going until you have reached some answers to the words and feelings you were searching for.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

01.12.09

Using Collage as a Way of Communicating

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Therapy Homework Ideas, mental health tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:58 pm by Kathy Broady

Creating a collage is another way of allowing your internal system parts to tell more about themselves.

Pictures can be a powerful way of communicating.  And a collage – a collection of pictures – can tell a lifetime of stories.

Most trauma survivors were repeatedly told by their abusers, “Do not tell”. Violence, threats, abuse, and pain often accompanied these rules.  How many times did you hear “don’t say anything to anyone” or “don’t talk about this” or “you better stay quiet”?  All of those directives involve restrictions on being able to talk.  Years later, even in the safety of therapy, the intimidation of the no-talk rules can still feel as powerful and real as ever.

One important aspect of healing and therapy is learning to work around the negative, confining rules and those scary points that keep people stuck.  If some of your parts are too scared to tell what happened, maybe they could show what happened instead.  Pictures can be a way of communicating when talking is a hindrance.

A picture paints a thousand words!

Sometimes writing is too complicated and can also be “against the rules,” especially in the early days of treatment.   Thinking creatively, you can work around these rules too.  Typing, for example, is actually different from writing.  Cutting out printed words is also different from writing.  Using stencils, stickers, and rubber stamps are also ways to show wording without having to write.

Collage allows the artist to show a mixture of pictures and words to tell stories without officially breaking no-talk and no-write rules.  Collages can be made with a specific topic in mind, or they can be another useful format for the system descriptions.

To create your collage, use a variety of magazines, newspapers, advertisements, and telephone books, etc. Look through these printed materials and cut or tear out any picture, word, or phrase that seems relevant.

If you are sufficiently computer savvy, you can also create a collage from computer pictures.  The web certainly has a wide variety of images available for collage purposes.  If you can copy-paste and arrange pictures on a document, you can create an incredible collage without so much as lifting a piece of paper.

Let your internal system help pick out these pictures and words, and pay close attention to their interest in selecting pictures, even if you are not sure why they want that particular one. It is very important to not edit or limit the choices of pictures made by your insiders – let them pick whatever pictures they relate to.  Each of your parts will have their own things to say, and everyone inside will relate to pictures in a very different way.

Don’t be alarmed or hesitant if you don’t understand why some of the pictures are selected. Chances are, you won’t understand the meaning of all the items picked.  That’s ok – that means your insiders are getting ready to tell more about life from their own perspective.  Be open to this new information – getting new communication is a big part of why this exercise is helpful.  Besides, as you get to know the insiders that selected those pictures, and as the time is right, they will tell you the relevance and meaning of all their selections.  If your insiders are picking pictures they relate to, they are completing the assignment, and that is a good thing.  Don’t interfere!

Even though you might want to know why the various collage pictures are being selected, be very careful not to push your insiders to talk about everything at once. Not only will that put the others on the spot, and potentially chase them away from the assignment, but you could also easily overload and overwhelm yourself if you start demanding explanations for every picture or phrase that is selected. Select the pictures from a comfortable emotional distance and save the “talking time” for later.  There will be plenty enough time on different days for your system members to explain their choices to you.

If you find that lots of your parts are doing this exercise at once, you can either make different piles for the pictures that belong to different folks, or just cut out everything you see and separate the piles of pictures into themes at a later point. I have known people to be working on dozens of tiny collages all at the same time. I have also known people to assemble gigantic collages on huge poster boards. Use whatever style works for best for you!  The important point is that your parts are creatively showing you what has deep meaning for them.

The purpose of the collage is to provide another way to tell without telling. Using groupings of pictures and cut out words or phrases can help to say things that you are not allowed to say directly. Any form of expression is helpful in the therapeutic process, even if some of it stays unclear for a long while.

Another added benefit to this exercise is that you will get to know your system parts better. You might recognize patterns for who leans towards what type of pictures. You might hear a new voice that you don’t recognize insisting on a picture that has absolutely no relevance to you.

Collage work can help with the processing of traumatic memories. You might see entire story-lines displayed right in front of you in the groupings of magazine pictures. You might develop a greater awareness for who in your system dealt with what types of abusive situations.

Tending to everyone, listening, and allowing everyone in your system to have an unedited say in picture selection is important.  As with any exercise that includes your whole system, it can lead to greater trust, system cooperation, and internal connection.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

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