11.28.09
Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Friends of Multiples, Online Therapy, Therapy Homework Ideas, Trauma, emotional pain, therapy, trauma therapist tagged Dissociative Identity Disorder, Trauma Survivor, trauma therapist, Healing, Safety, Therapeutic Process, DID / MPD, Trauma, Support, Comfort, Relationship, Therapist, Kathy Broady, Abuse, Dissociative Disorder, Protection, Complacency, Treatment for DID / MPD, Trauma Therapy, Gossip, Appreciation, DID, Connection, Treatment Goals for DID, Survival, Alone, Manipulation, AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Predators, Abusers, DID Survivors, Online Support, Online Safety, Dissociative Survivors, Dissociative Population, Haters, DID Education, Healers, Internet Predators, Blogs by DID Survivors, BTC, Behind the Couch, Thanksgiving, Dissociative Trauma Survivors, Marketing, Marketing Techniques, Marketing on a blog, Sense of Safety, Hazing, Flaming, Insaniacs, Online Predators, Lies, Wolves in Sheep's Clothing, BTC's Blog, Negative Gossip, One-year anniversary, Helpers, Healing Resources, Safe Relationships, Destructive Relationships, Bonding at 5:23 pm by Kathy Broady
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It’s Thanksgiving weekend here in the US, and besides the wonderful traditional family meal and pleasant times with my kids, this time frame reminds me of something else.
Discussing Dissociation has been up and visible for nearly one year now. Yep, in a few days, it will be a year already!
Wow. Where has the time gone??!!!
There is truth to the saying that time flies, or is it because time flies when you’re having fun … or maybe I’m just getting older, lol.
Anyway, I’m being silly, but I do want to say today how much I appreciate all of you that have been readers here at this blog. The number of faithful, returning readers has been utterly amazing to me. If you look back through all the pages, you’ll see well over a thousand excellent comments from a wide variety of the readers. Wow! The input you all have made in this blog has brought it to life and given it a life-filled energy that I certainly couldn’t create on my own.
For the way each and every one of you have contributed to the positive, educational nature of this blog, I sincerely thank you. I truly appreciate your involvement, your thoughts, your comments, your questions. You’ve helped to make this little site a safe, comfortable community for dissociative trauma survivors. I think it’s a job well done, and once again, I do sincerely thank you for your part in this process. Writing a blog wouldn’t be nearly so fun without hearing comments from the readers! You all rock!
Many of you have questioned why I started this blog in the first place. The original reason is not as mysterious or worrisome as some of you may have thought. It’s a widely stated and highly recommended common practice for therapists to use blogs for marketing purposes. Marketing experts recommend to write what you know about, and to respond to the comments you receive. Blogs get quickly listed in search engines, and they are an easy, economical way for your target audience to get to know you, and to see what you do, and to become more familiar with the work that you do. It’s a simple as that. Check the blogosphere for blogs by therapists. You’ll see that most therapists write about their fields of work the same as I do.
I just happen to know about a very specialized topic – dissociative identity disorder. And my readers are a very distinct but wonderful population – dissociative trauma survivors or trauma therapists. (There aren’t very many of us out here — it’s no wonder that we are congregating together!) And yes, practically all of my blog articles have been very specific to DID, not that the topics couldn’t also apply to other populations, but the point of this blog is to “discuss dissociation” so I do tailor my articles to being about dissociative disorders, and the DID population. There’s no mystery there, lol. I think I’ve said that pretty upfront.
But something much bigger has been happening besides my having found a very effective marketing tool.
With all the positive sharing and support that has been created here, this blog has provided a deep sense of hope and healing for so many people. Having that absolute knowing that others are progressing along their healing journey as well, many survivors don’t have to feel so very alone. You might learn things from my articles, but you can also learn from each other, the same as I learn from you as well. It’s a wonderful circle of positive, helpful information, and that in itself is priceless.
Building a sense of safety, knowing you are not alone in your struggles, and learning from others who have been there too provide emotional foundations that so very crucial to healing and can augment your therapeutic process. Please remember, this blog is in no means a substitute for actual therapy, but it does provide a lot of educational support for survivors working on their own healing, or for therapists learning about working DID / MPD.
Again, you all have immensely helped to create that healing, informative atmosphere, and I am grateful for that.
We have to create and protect places of healing.
Even survivor-led blogs such as the truly incredible BTC blog have become targets for destruction by the “hazing / flaming / insaniacs” of the world. Do we really want the haters and gossipers to take over and ruin all the places of healing and support? How sad is this?!!
I know that you know there are predators and perpetrators out there in the world. For some of you, your abuse stopped years ago. For some of you, you are still smack dab in the middle of fighting your abusers. Some of you are being hassled and manipulated by internet predators (whether you know it or not), and some of you are safely away from any direct attack from anyone. No matter where you are in your life, there are abusers and predators out there in the world, (including those wolves in sheep’s clothing hiding within the dissociative population itself), so the importance of having safe retreats amongst all the danger and destruction is more important than you might realize.
Those of you that feel the loss of BTC’s blog can understand what I’m talking about. It’s a real shame that abusive people continue to ruin the good places and run off the good people. I think that is a tragedy. But it happens.
- Are you one that sits back quietly, doing nothing even though you see others destroying places of support?
- Do you believe the lies and negative gossip spread about helpers and healers?
- Are you so angry from your own abuse that you are willing to take that out on people who have helped you?
Surely the survivor population can see through the manipulations of abusers. You are adults now – you can start seeing through the tricks that are being played out there. Please remember to think for yourself the next time you hear some negative hogwash about someone who has dared to be a helper / healer. You can take a stand against that.
Complacency only allows abuse to continue.
Trauma survivors, I encourage you to ban together in protection of your valued and positive healing resources.
So many of you grew up without any safety or comfort or support. You learned to pull deep within yourself or to block out the world entirely. You survived it alone.
But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.
Most of you are still learning about how important and helpful it is to have places of safe connection, genuine relationship, and gentle bonding. It may be scary to be around people, but building a positive, healing, trustworthy community is a way of overcoming the need to be isolated in order to avoid abuse.
Again, I challenge you to protect your places of healing. Protect those that are your helpers. Stand firm around your leaders that fight against abuse.
Don’t fall into the trap of complacency or destructive participation.
Your healing resources are depending on that.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
11.21.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy and Counseling, mental health, therapy, trauma therapist tagged Bad therapists, Benefits of Therapy, Boundaries, Compassion, DID Survivors, DID Therapy, DID/MPD, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Healers, Healing, Healing Process, Healthy Boundaries, Kathy Broady, Listening, Self Esteem, Self Injury, Self-Expression, Self-Worth, therapy, Trauma, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy at 9:44 pm by Kathy Broady
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There have been some interesting discussions and comments from various trauma survivors about how much their therapists have meant to them. These readers have shared some very tender moments with their therapists and have talked openly about the depths of their heart-warming connections and healing moments.
Clearly, these survivors have found their therapists to be important and significant people in their lives. The work and the effort of developing these therapeutic relationships have clearly been worth it to them.
But why?
Why is their therapist important?
On the flip-side, other commenters in this blog have written about horror stories they have had with former trauma therapists. It seems there is an endless supply of the “bad t” stories that get passed around and shared over and over. I can’t tell you how many of those stories I’ve heard. I’m sure each of you have already been told about at least a dozen bad therapists. In these stories, the clients are angry with their therapist, they accuse the therapist of causing all kinds of harm, and they speak of these therapeutic relationships as traumatic or disturbing or exploitive.
Who are these bad therapists?!
Is there any trauma therapist that has not been considered to be a “bad t” by someone or another? Honestly, most therapists get targeted sooner or later by someone. It happens frequently. (Please remember the blogs about love/hate relationships and protecting your therapeutic relationship.)
So if there are allegedly so many bad therapists, or perceived bad therapists, why do trauma survivors repeatedly risk having a therapist in the first place?
Why does a therapist matter to you?
Why bother with the hassle of developing and maintaining a therapeutic relationship?
Why does a therapist warrant your business, your time, your respect, or any caring connection from you?
What does a therapist do anyway?
There are a variety of reasons why dissociative trauma survivors might find therapists to be important. I’ve listed 50 benefits of having a therapist. This is not an exhaustive list. If you have an idea to add, please comment.
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50 Benefits of Having a Therapist
1. To have someone encourage you to love and accept yourself to the point that you can truly live, without focusing on death and needing to die
2. To have someone in your life that will make it ok to not have to dissociate away from your real life
3. To have someone to bounce ideas on, to problem solve, to explore new behaviors
4. To have someone to talk to about deeply private and personal things
5. To have someone who can genuinely hear your pain, and sit with you when you are hurting
6. To have someone who can give you their undivided attention, their best listening ear, even if for a specified period of time
7. To have someone who gives you courage and hope to keep going, even in the darkest moments
8. To have someone who provides a gentle, safe environment for the healing of your deepest wounds and painful memories
9. To have someone who repeatedly offers positive emotional support and encouragement
10. To have someone who sincerely believes in you and your abilities, talents, and accomplishments
11. To have someone who truly sees you as a good person, a worthwhile person, a valuable person
12. To have someone who will address the variety of issues that underlies the mental health difficulties in your life.
13. To have someone who will build a relationship with you, willingly connecting with you, no matter how badly you feel about yourself
14. To have someone who will challenge your thinking and cognitive distortions
15. To have someone who will connect the dots of your dissociated life experiences
16. To have someone who will encourage you to be comfortable becoming your very own self
17. To have someone who will encourage you to build a life based on your strengths instead of the life your abusers may have designed for you
18. To have someone who will encourage you to try new things and to stretch your horizons
19. To have someone who will expect you to honestly work on your issues instead of blaming others
20. To have someone who will foster your leadership skills, job skill development, educational opportunities, etc.
21. To have someone who will genuinely accept you, warts and all
22. To have someone who will have the courage and ability to tell you “no”
23. To have someone who will hear your heart and the depths of your soul
24. To have someone who will help to remove the jagged edges from your life
25. To have someone who will help you build a tolerance and acceptance of others
26. To have someone who will help you create personal safety, both inside and out
27. To have someone who will help you find and connect with your very best self
28. To have someone who will help you to build the ability to tolerate and sit with intense emotions in yourself and in others
29. To have someone who will help you to contain the extremes of your behavior and feelings
30. To have someone who will help you to emotionally grow, develop, mature
31. To have someone who will help you to move past the blocks, walls, and black holes
32. To have someone who will help you transform self destruction into self acceptance
33. To have someone who will hold you accountable and responsible for troublesome areas
34. To have someone who will hold your secrets with you
35. To have someone who will listen to you, and understand your point of view
36. To have someone who will look for the positive in each and every one of your insiders
37. To have someone who will make it safe enough for you to express your true feelings
38. To have someone who will offer encouragement and support, even when its tough
39. To have someone who will offer guidance as needed
40. To have someone who will offer opportunities to explore trust, acceptance, compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience
41. To have someone who will push you to move forward, instead of sitting complacently
42. To have someone who will recognize family dynamics and their impact on you
43. To have someone who will remember what your insiders say, especially when it is too difficult for you to retain it
44. To have someone who will set appropriate limits and boundaries
45. To have someone who will sit with you while you face your deepest fear, shame, guilt, horror
46. To have someone who will sort out conflict and disagreement
47. To have someone who will stay with you, even when you expose your worst self
48. To have someone who will talk to your inner parts, even the ones you are afraid to speak to or unable to speak to
49. To have someone who will teach and model new behaviors, and healthy emotions
50. To have someone who will team up with you in your healing journey
True therapy is so much more than a sequence of techniques to address trauma, or emotional containment, or cognitive distortions, or dissociative separation, or destructive behaviors.
Therapy happens with real people, between real people. Therapy is a healing process. It touches many levels of life. The emotional depth of true healing is founded in the solidity of the therapeutic relationship.
Unfortunately, your trauma and abuse happened at the hands of violent, hateful, destructive people.
Fortunately, your healing will happen within a caring, accepting, compassionate relationship.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
11.15.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Friends of Multiples, Physical Abuse, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, emotional pain, mental health, sexual abuse, therapy tagged Abuse, AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Families, Abusive Relationships, Attachment Issues, Attachment to the Perpetrator, DID / MPD, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Garrido, Jaycee Dugard, Jaycee Lee Dugard, Kathy Broady, Kidnapping, Kidnappped, Perpetrators, Phillip Garrido, Registered Sex Offenders, Sadistic Abuse, Sadistic criminals, Sex Offender, Sex Offenders, sexual abuse, Sexually Abused, Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma Bond, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy at 7:53 pm by Kathy Broady
Last night, I saw another television documentary on Jaycee Lee Dugard – the young woman who was kidnapped at age 11, held captive for 18 years, and found alive, along with her two daughters on August 26, 2009.
Jaycee is now 29 years old.
Jaycee spent the past 18 years held captive in the backyard of a registered, violent sex offender, Phillip Garrido. Garrido fathered Jaycee’s two daughters, and has been charged with numerous criminal offenses.
While most of the world was thrilled to see Garrido arrested and locked away into police custody, Jaycee and her girls had different emotional reactions. Initially, when questioned by the authorities, Jaycee was supportive of Garrido, she refused to admit her real identity, and when the facts weren’t adding up, she claimed to be hiding from a fictitious abusive husband that lived in another state. She had chances to tell about her perpetrator, but her first responses were to protect him. Her two daughters cried when they heard Garrido was arrested.
Garrido spent years torturing these young women, but yet they were clearly connected to him.
How can this be?
This dynamic is called Stockholm Syndrome. It is when victims form positive, caring attachments with their violent perpetrators. The more victims have to depend on their perpetrators for their very survival, the more likely the victim will form an attachment to their perpetrator.
The world has been appalled as they heard this story.
But this story is not a new story.
This story happens to many children every day of the year.
Many dissociative trauma survivors have lived a life all too similar to the life that Jaycee lived while with Garrido. As children, most dissociative trauma survivors lived – day after day, year after year – under the strict sadistic control of a sex offender. They were repeatedly sexually abused, many became pregnant, they were given hidden identities and new names, and they were taught bizarre religious beliefs. Many DID survivors were locked and confined in unhealthy places, made to be completely dependent upon their abusers, and the reality of their daily abuse was hidden from the neighbors. It is not at all uncommon for DID survivors to have been sexually involved and sexually controlled by their perpetrators well into their adulthood.
The main difference between most DID Survivors and Jaycee Dugard is that most DID survivors were not kidnapped by a stranger. Most DID survivors who have lived this kind of ongoing abuse were simply living in their family homes.
These DID survivors were being raised by their father and mother. They didn’t have the hope that someday they would be rescued and returned to their “real family”. They were with their real family.
In either situation, the child-victims learned to adapt to the sadistic behaviors of the abusive parental figures in order to survive. Despite the extreme abuse, they learned to depend on the abusers. Everything from breathing, food, clothing, water, shelter, warmth, education, medical attention, etc. was controlled and monitored by their abusers. There was no personal space. There was no way to get away. There was no known place to run to even if they had gotten away.
The child-victims knew they were stuck there.
They knew that their life and basic survival needs were completely dependent upon keeping the perpetrator happy. They learned to base their own survival on effectively meeting the needs of the perpetrator, and the perpetrator had the power to decide if they would live or die. To survive, they became loyal to the perpetrator.
Perpetrators purposefully create this kind of dependence in their victims. They want their victims to feel trapped, and to lose hope, and to be stuck in their abuse. They do not want their victims to know there is a way out, or to find a way out. Perpetrators want to be in control of absolutely everything, barely leaving their victims room to breathe on their own.
In keeping the required secrets, the surviving children often learned that the ONLY person to turn to in time of trouble or need is the perpetrator. To get their daily survival needs met, the child learned they had to placate, please, and depend upon the abuser.
In these long-term abusive situations, the perpetrator is both the caretaker and the abuser. The child learns to love and hate this parent. The child feels either trapped in the abuse, or feels tied to them in order to get their needs met.
Consequently, the child-victims have to depend on their abusers for their care. Who else will feed them? Who else will get their books for school? Who else will provide clothing and a place to sleep? These children have no where else to turn, so they form a variety of trauma bonds with their perpetrator.
Since the child-victim’s life depends on their perpetrator, the victim develops a loyalty to the perpetrator. They experience a positive loyalty when the perpetrator meets their daily needs. They experience a fear-based loyalty when their life depends on it.
Whether the offender parent is being appropriate or violent, the dissociative child is drawn into the relationship, and feels emotionally connected to the perpetrator.
Child-victims might split off parts that keep the abuse separate from their feelings of love and appreciation. It’s hard to genuinely care about someone who is hurting and abusing you, but child victims often have to manage both of these scenarios. They might split off parts to deny the abuse, so they don’t have to remember the violence.
And after living that dynamic for years of time, survivors lose the ability to recognize who or what a perpetrator is. They grow up feeling responsible for pleasing perpetrators, learning how to tolerate abusers instead of learning how to leave perpetrators. They grow up believing that attaching and bonding to a dangerous person is critical for their own life.
Attachment to the perpetrator creates many layers of confusion for many years to come. It is a critical area of healing that requires a great deal of work in the therapy setting.
Do they love their abuser? Do they hate their abuser? Do they recognize their abuser as an abuser? Can they recognize who in the world is or isn’t an abuser? Can they leave their abuser? Can they bond with a non-abuser?
Even as adults, far too many DID survivors can no longer separate who is who. They will live a life connecting to one abuser after another, yet they won’t be able to recognize a safe person when they meet one. DID survivors may feel more comfort in the victim role, and they may prefer the familiarity of abusive relationships over the strange unknown of safe relationships. Or, they may assume that all people are abusers, and thus miss out on the opportunity to learn the difference between a safe person and a perpetrator.
Every DID survivor has attached to at least one perpetrator in their lifetime, and probably more than one.
It is critical to work on this trauma dynamic in therapy. This work is essential for healing. Otherwise, DID survivors will feel a high degree of comfort with perpetrators, and will not be able to stay connected to a safe person when they meet one. Or, they’ll accuse a safe person of becoming a perpetrator.
There are a lot of different possibilities, most of them ending up as relationship disasters.
In order to have any chance at having successful social relationships, dissociative trauma survivors absolutely must address the attachment they feel to their perpetrators.
The health of your future relationships depend on it.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
11.10.09
Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, emotional pain, therapy, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Anger, Depression, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional pain, Ending Therapy, Grief, heartbreak, Internal Chaos, Internal Fighting, Kathy Broady, Lashing out, Losing a therapist, Loss, Loss of a therapist, Love-hate relationships, pain, Quitting therapy, Saying goodbye, Self Harm, Self Injury, SI, Termination, Termination of therapy, therapy, Therapy Process, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy at 7:11 pm by Kathy Broady
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Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.
There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.
In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist. When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.
DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders. It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.
When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.
But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?
What if you lose your therapist due to
- An automobile wreck
- An assault of some kind
- An illness of some version
- An unexpected pregnancy issue
- A family member of the therapist is ill
- An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
- An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
- The family of your therapist has required a move to another location
In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time. The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.
But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:
- Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
- Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
- Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
- Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
- Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
- Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
- Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID
What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?
What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?
In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss. The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.
The DID survivor tends to:
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- Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
- Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
- Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
- Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
- Cry, cry, and cry
- Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
- Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
- Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
- Feel suicidal
- Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
- Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
- Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
- Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
- Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
- Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
- Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
- Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
- Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
- Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
- Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
- Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
- Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
- Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
- Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
- Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time
The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so. In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.
Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.
I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!
They are not helpful.
They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.
If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible. The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view. Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
10.31.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mind Control, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Trauma, emotional pain, sexual abuse, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abused, Compassion, Creating Safety, Current Day Abuse, Current-day Safety, DID / MPD, DID Survivors, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Survivors, Halloween, Helping your insiders, Kathy Broady, Kindness, Leaving the Darkness, Organized Abuse, RA Abuse, RA Survivors, Ritual Abuse, Ritually Abused, Safety, Self Injury, Self-loathing, Sexually Abused, Trauma Survivor, Trauma Therapy at 4:53 pm by Kathy Broady
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It’s Halloween weekend.
This is a difficult, heavy weekend for a lot of dissociative trauma survivors.
I’ll say right upfront – and please hear this clearly — that it is NOT a difficult or triggery weekend for every DID trauma survivor. To assume that every dissociative survivor has experienced the same kinds of abuse is completely wrong, and I will be the first trauma therapist to say that not everyone has gone through the dark sadistic abuses associated with the days most commonly known as Halloween.
If you can enjoy the fun sides of Halloween – bags of candy, apple-bobbing parties, carving pumpkins, or trick or treating in silly costumes — that is great news for you. Halloween is a non-abusive, non-holiday, safe-on-the-surface level social event for most people. For these folks, it is not intended to be anything more traumatic than seeing the pretense of gross plastic items stocked in the party aisles of a store. For the more courageous and daring, they will spend $20 at the locally created “Haunted House” – something quickly assembled much like a traveling carnival booth.
But for some dissociative trauma survivors, these days surrounding Halloween are very dark, and very scary, and filled with deep historical meaning. There are far too many triggers everywhere, and the hidden, layered symbols feel anything but safe.
For anyone who has experienced the horrors of organized ritual abuse, the days surrounding Halloween are very truly difficult. The nights are worse. The heaviness, the darkness, the pulls toward things not comfortable feels very disturbing and over-powering.
Many survivors feel scattered or disorganized within their system. Or they might feel like the internal dark ones are enveloping or surrounding them. Or they feel pulled to gory pictures, or negative thoughts, or self-injury. Images of gorging on food, or death and violence, or various sexual abuses might flood their mind. These snippets can be indicators of memory flashbacks, or pulls to participate in current day nightmares.
Even if you went there in the past, you don’t have to go there anymore.
Even if your insiders are remembering their past, remembering then is not the same as being there now.
DID survivors with an RA history might not feel like their usual selves during the time around Halloween. They might feel like isolating from their safe support people, and feel more drawn towards their abusers. They might feel pulls to go out, or to go to some unknown somewhere…
However, on days like this, staying home – literally staying indoors and refusing to leave the safety of your home – is often the very best thing you can do. Reassure your insiders that they do not have to participate in anything scary, and that they are allowed to be safe. They do not have to be hurt anymore. They do not have to be handed over to danger.
They can stay home in the safety of your home.
It might be a battle.
If you been ritually abused, it probably will be a battle.
You might have parts in your system who have experienced unspeakable horrors during this week of time. But the more you can protect them from ongoing abuse, and gently comfort them in regards to their past abuse, the better.
The days surrounding Halloween can be some of the most difficult, triggery days of the year.
However, I encourage you to use this time to get to know those parts of your system that have managed this for you. Listen to them, and let them tell you some of their life experiences. They will need the opportunity to heal from their trauma history as well. And yes, it will be very hard for you to hear their life stories, but they have the same right to begin having safety, comforts, healing, and protection just like the rest of you.
Even if you feel afraid – don’t leave your most traumatized parts stuck in their abuse because you are too afraid to work with them.
Even if you feel horrified – don’t turn your back on helping these parts simply because you are horrified about what they had to go through.
Ignoring their pain, or refusing to teach them about the lighter sides of life means that they are left neglected and stuck in the darkness.
That’s not ok.
They need your help, even if that is not how they are first saying it.
Be brave. Allow your whole system to heal and to experience safety. Don’t leave any of your insiders stuck in the darkness. It is not their fault they were abused in the darkness. They are there because they were forced to be there. It’s not their fault they were split off in that dark place. But they originally came from you, so they belong to you. Don’t let the darkness keep those parts, not even one of them. They need you and your help to get them out of that darkness.
They need you to have enough courage and willingness and compassion to allow them the same chance at healing that you are having.
So be kind to your insiders. Be willing to help the ones that have experienced the worst of the worst. Let everyone within your system find freedom – healing – safety – gentleness – acceptance.
Help them find the way out.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
10.23.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Internal Communication, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, sexual abuse, trauma therapist tagged Abuse, AbuseConsultants, abused children, Abusive Parents, Anxiety, Being multiple, BlogTalkRadio, Child Abuse, Child Pornography, Depression, DID / MPD, DID Education, DID Specialist, DID Survivor, DID Therapy, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Survivors, Family Violence, Flashbacks, Internal Communication, Kathy Broady, Multiple Personality, multiple personality disorder, PTSD, Ritual Abuse, Self Harm, Self Injury, Sex Slave Industry, sexual abuse, Sexually Abused, Sexually Abused Children, Trauma, Trauma Survivors, trauma therapist, Trauma Therapy, Treatment Goals for DID at 11:55 am by Kathy Broady
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There is a young woman who will always be precious to me. I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she forever changed my life.
This date – October 23rd — had specific meaning for her.
And every year on this date, I specifically think of her.
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Back in the 80’s…
Annemaria was a 13 yr old wildly aggressive but enormously quiet girl that kept setting fires in the residential treatment center and starting fist fights with grown men. She was a complicated child, and was court-ordered to have an assessment by a psychologist. Fortunately for Annemaria, the psychologist had just attended a presentation about multiple personality disorder (MPD), learning about the symptoms of dissociation and trauma. Annemaria was quickly diagnosed with MPD and due to the variety of extreme acting out behaviors she demonstrated within the custody setting, she was given an unusual opportunity.
It was clear that Annemaria was acting out her child abuse history. She openly admitted to purposefully committing violent crimes so she would be taken out of her abusive home. It was a brilliant plan for finding safety from her offender-parents. Unconcerned about the long list of legal charges against her, she knew she would be safer living in residential treatment centers, and she was glad to be there. No one doubted her abusive past, and a long string of child protection workers advocated for her safety.
As requested, the Court agreed to give Annemaria the longest sentence possible so she could remain in the residential treatment center instead of being forced to go home. They did this for the preventive safety of the people she would be willing to assault in the future, but also for her own current-day safety and protection. The Court also ordered that she be given specialized treatment and intensive therapy.
Since she was so violent towards men, she was to be assigned a female staff member, and this staff member was to devote the vast majority of her time to working individually with Annemaria.
This is when Annemaria changed my life.
I was assigned to be Annemaria’s personal staff member.
I knew about sexual abuse, but I didn’t know a thing about MPD. I had been trained to work with family systems, but I didn’t know anything about internal systems. But I was thoroughly pleased to have been given the assignment of working with Annemaria. I knew it would be fascinating work, and frankly, Annemaria and I already had a little bit of a connection. Afterall, I was the only person in the entire treatment center that she would speak to.
I had two years to work with Annemaria. We did hours and hours of therapy every week, and even more hours of everyday life-skills work. She blossomed in that safe, healing environment but for such a young child, her stories of abuse were more than any of the treatment staff could fathom. Eventually, a non-threatening but strong young man was assigned to assist me during Annemaria’s acting out or heavy-duty memory flashbacks. She bounced a lot of male anger in his direction, but he handled that like a pro. The work was tough, and we leaned on each other a lot. Even so, I developed secondary PTSD, and experienced numerous nightmares after listening to Annemaria’s stories of trauma. I really hadn’t known such horrors existed. Talk about a learning curve… They hadn’t explained ANY of that in grad school!
I had so much to learn. I had no idea anyone could be abused in the ways that Annemarie described in such vivid detail. She was only 13. It had just happened. She had been abused her whole life, but still… it had just happened! Even though she was dissociative, she knew a lot about it.
She and I taught each other about two very different worlds. She taught me about her world, and I taught her about mine. We both ended those two years in a very different place.
I was truly never the same.
I hope that I impacted her life in the same way.
I also wish I could re-do those two years with Annemaria. Now that I have had 20 years experience working with MPD – currently called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — I would do those first two years very differently. I’ve learned more about self-injury and how to manage those behaviors effectively. I’ve learned about depression, anxiety, PTSD and vicarious traumatization. I’ve learned about flashbacks, amnesia, body memories, and internal system communication. I’ve learned about organized abuse, the sex slave industry, pornography, and ritual abuse. NOW I am properly prepared to address the issues that Annemaria was speaking about.
But then?
I just didn’t have a clue.
And how sad was that.
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Today is Annemaria’s day.
And today, while I was recording my BlogTalkRadio show on Internal Communication, I thought of Annemaria.
While I felt confident in explaining how so many things work for DID / MPD, I thought of Annemaria.
I just wish I knew then what I know now.
I could accomplish so much more with Annemaria in two years at this point in time than I could have back in the 80’s when I was new to the field. It saddens, me in that respect, because I didn’t give to her then what I could give to her now.
But she changed my life.
In fact, she changed the entire course of my life.
I would not be where I am if it were not for Annemaria.
And for that, I owe her a few years of decent therapy.
Annemaria, if you ever find me again, you’ve got yourself a therapist for as long as you need one!
And thank you, Annemaria.
Thank you.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
10.18.09
Posted in Domestic Violence, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Physical Abuse, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma, emotional pain, mental health, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Abusive Marriages, Abusive Relationships, BlogTalkRadio, Current Day Abuse, Current Safety, Current-day Safety, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, DVMemorial, Family Violence, Internet Radio, Kathy Broady LCSW, Leaving Abusive Relationships, Radio Show, Recognizing Abuse, Safety First at 6:49 pm by Kathy Broady
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Hi Everyone,
Tonight at 9 pm CST, I will be presenting on BlogTalkRadio.
You are welcome to listen to the radio show or to participate by calling in. I’ll be glad to hear from you!
For more information, please go to:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dvmemorial
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Safety First – Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence (part 1)
Domestic Violence (DV) is a form of sexual and physical abuse that far too many adult women (or men) experience in their spousal / partner relationship. Many victims of domestic abuse do not even recognize that the level of trauma they are experiencing within their own home is actually considered Domestic Violence. However, like any victim of current-day abuse, it is important for these survivors to find safety.
Kathy Broady LCSW is a trauma therapist from Dallas Texas with 25 yrs experience working with victims of abuse – child abuse survivors, sexual abuse survivors, dissociative trauma survivors, domestic violence survivors, PTSD survivors, etc.
In collaboration with DVMemorial, Kathy will be presenting a series of shows about recognizing domestic violence, leaving abusive relationships, exploring the emotional difficulties that trap survivors in ongoing violence, addressing how dissociation and denial create additional complications, etc.
Tonight’s episode is the first show in the series about Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence. Callers will be welcomed to join and encouraged to actively participate in the discussion. Your questions and comments will be addressed in the order received.
For more information about Kathy Broady LCSW, or to contact her for therapeutic assistance, please go to www.AbuseConsultants.com, www.SurvivorForum.com, or http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com .
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If you are unable to listen to the radio show while it it on the air, you will be able to hear it from the DVMemorial Archives.
Domestic Violence is a form of ongoing current-day abuse that happens for far too many dissociative trauma survivors. I am honored to have been asked to speak about this topic.
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By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
10.10.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Amnesia, DID Survivors, DID/MPD, dissociative disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Walls, Host Alters, Internal Communication, Internal System, Kathy Broady, Leadership, Listening Inside, Listening to inside, Listening to your insiders, Treatment Goal for DID at 8:29 pm by Kathy Broady
Are you a leader?
Do you know what it takes to be a leader?
Multiples – trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder – experience life as plural. Dissociative systems may be internal sets of people, but they are still groups of people nonetheless.
All groups of people need a leader they can look up to – someone they can trust, someone they can depend on, someone with their best interests in mind even when times get tough. These leaders help to make decisions that affect everyone else. They hopefully will decide things on that are the best for the majority of the people within their group. And these leaders need to care enough about what their people want and need in order to make good decisions.
Dissociative systems need leaders too.
Who is the leader of your system?
And what does it take to be a good leader?
A leader is someone who knows enough about a wide variety of the important issues that they can make truly informed decisions on behalf of the others. These leaders know that they have the responsibility to know. They can’t pretend or ignore reality. They have to actually be aware of what happens now (and what happened then) so the decisions they make will be relevant and wise.
If you are the leader of your dissociative system, it is important that you understand all the different opinions-thoughts-feelings of your various internal system parts.
We expect the political leaders to listen to the people. All the people.
Dissociative system leaders also need to listen to the people – all their internal people.
Being a good leader does not mean that you get to block out the rest of your system and have a dictatorship. That might work if you value selfishness, but not if you are going to be an effective group leader.
Being a good leader means being willing to not use your dissociative skills to distance yourself from everyone else. While you might have the ability to block out your insiders from time to time, this can’t be your primary state of existence if you are going to actually be the system leader.
System leaders aren’t necessarily the host alter. That host / front part of you may be who people from the outside (“in real life”) world believe to be your leader, but daytime hosts that deal only (or mostly) with the outside world will probably not be the internal system leader. If your daytime host cannot interact frequently and easily with various layers of your internal system, then my guess is that they are not actually the system leader. They might be the leader of their “department”, but without having the ability to communicate with various groups of your internal people, this host part will not be the overall “store manager”.
There will be someone else in your group that has more overall say-so. They may be willing to let the “day people” deal with the outside world while they very specifically manage the leadership of the internal worlds.
Remember, to be a leader, one has to be able to communicate with the people they lead.
Dissociative system leaders truly listen to their insiders. They don’t hide behind amnesiac walls. They aren’t afraid to know what happened in the past. They are willing to know the truth – to know the reality – to know how it feels to be there, in that spot….
Do you know the life-stories of your various insiders?
Can you relate with compassion, gentleness, and caring for the people you represent?
Can you identify with their struggles? With their pain? With their fears?
Are you willing to help them? To problem-solve with them? To address their concerns?
Can you withstand the pressure of making decisions that could affect everyone else?
To lead effectively, you must know who your people are.
———-
By:
Kathy Broady, LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
09.09.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mind Control, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, Break their Control, Breaking the Rule, DID Survivor, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Kathy Broady, Mind Control, Programming, Protection, Safe people, Safety, Safety First, Self Destruction, Self Harm, Self Injury, self-destructive behaviors, Self-protection, SI, Suicidal Behavior, Suicidal Programming, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Programming, thinking about suicide, Trauma Survivor at 9:09 pm by Kathy Broady
Hello Everyone,
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To those of you that have been having a very difficult day today – please know that you can fight that.
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You don’t have to do anything dangerous.
You don’t have to hurt yourself.
You don’t have to do anything harmful to yourself.
You don’t have to go to places where you get hurt.
You don’t have to go to places where your insiders get hurt.
You don’t have to go to places where someone else wants you to hurt.
You don’t have to give yourself to something that is dark and harmful.
You don’t have to go where you get stripped naked.
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Find someone safe. There really are safe people out there.
Stay by them. Stay with them. Stay near them.
Learn about protecting yourself, and your insiders.
You can be safe from all that hurt, you really can.
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I wanted you to know that there are kind helping people that understand why you are having such a difficult time today.
You are not alone in your struggle today.
I’m not going to explain much out here on this public blog – I know that far too many of you will already know what I mean.
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But yes, you can get help and support and understanding…
From gentle people who will not strip you naked.
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You can be who you want to be.
You can be who you decide that you are.
You don’t have to be who they say that you are.
You can be who you say you are.
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———-
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
Permalink
09.06.09
Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Online Therapy, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, therapy, trauma therapist tagged AbuseConsultants, AbuseConsultants.com, blog about DID, blog about dissociation, Blog Therapy, Blogs, Blogs about dissociative identity disorder, Blogs by therapists, Blogs by trauma therapists, Communication, DID Survivor, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Good communication, Group Communication, Group process, Group Therapy, Guidelines for DID Therapy, Healing Resource for DID, Insiders, Internal Communication, Kathy Broady, Online Support, Online Support Group, Online Therapy, Resources for DID, survivor bloggers, Survivor Blogs, Survivor Support, Survivors, Talking with your insiders, Therapists, Trauma Survivor, trauma therapist, Treatment Resource for DID at 7:55 pm by Kathy Broady
I am still amazed by the excellent group discussion and active participation that was generated by my last blog post. Considering that one of the main purposes of this blog is to “discuss dissociation”, I think that’s good! Thank you, everyone, for your active interest. I do appreciate that.
I have been contemplating a number of different follow up topics after such an intense discussion. There is a wide variety of important offshoot directions that I could take.
However, after reading some of the comments submitted, I’ve decided to first post some tips and guidelines to remember while using this blog as a healing resource.
The longer I have Discussing Dissociation, the more I can see how reading this blog — or any blog – can have a significant impact as a healing resource. What do you do with the information that you read? Why do you read it? What keeps you interested and coming back? I’ve been thinking about all that, and it’s becoming clearer to me how this blog is having an impact on the healing process for many of you.
Thank you. I am genuinely honored that so many of you are using this blog as a resource.
There are some things that I would like for you to remember while you are reading this blog.
1. I am simply sharing my thoughts based on my experiences as a trauma therapist who specialized in dissociative identity disorder, but there is nothing “simple” about DID. I find it very hard to dissect the complex, layered, multi-faceted elements of DID into one single article, 700-1500 words at a time. There is just sooooo much more to say about each and every topic, and please know that for every point in one direction, I completely understand there are 20 other points facing other directions. But one blog article can only be so long before it becomes too cumbersome to read or write. But … keep reading over time. The more I post, the more the various angles will be addressed.
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2. The way each individual trauma therapist conducts his or her therapy sessions is as unique as the way an artist paints a picture. Your therapist may very well do things very differently than I do. That is not unusual, and the challenge is to incorporate the information and methods that works best for you and your healing. It is not about right or wrong – it is about what works for you.
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3. I hope that the issues discussed in this blog encourage you to think. I do not presume to have all the answers, but I can give you a starting place to process and explore your trauma issues. Learning to think for yourself is a very crucial part of your healing. Please take the information I provide and work with it as it fits for you. Ask yourself questions. Journal about it. Check inside. Write a comment. Write more about it on your own blog. Just remember – your abusers would have controlled your thinking for a very long time. Breaking out of their dictated thought processes is very important, so yes — thinking on your own is a very good thing.
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4. Please know that it is ok to take the topics you have read in my blog to your therapist for more individual discussion on a personal level. I write about the things I have learned in my 25 years of working with trauma and dissociative disorders. I know patterns relating to the DID/MPD diagnosis, typical information about survivors with DID/MPD, techniques to use in sessions, questions to ask, etc. But your therapist knows you and your internal system. If you find information that seems to fit you, please discuss this further with your therapist.
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5. If you feel particularly triggered or upset by anything written in this blog, including the comments written by other readers, please discuss this with your therapist as well. Emotional triggers can be uncomfortable and upsetting, but they can also be enormously valuable milestones in your healing process. If you work with triggers to understand what they are bringing up for you, you can most definitely use this information to push further into your healing.
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6. Please understand that your therapist and I may have very different approaches to working with DID. That is ok – to each his own. As I said, each therapist is his or her own person, and we all work in the ways that best fit us as individuals. However, if you see a significant contradiction in what I say compared to what your therapist does, it is ok and important to talk to your therapist about this. This blog is not intended to undermine your therapy or your therapist’s opinion. I emphasize again — I hope that you can and will openly discuss any significant questions or concerns with your therapist, as needed.
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7. If you are a regular reader of this blog, I strongly encourage you to let your therapist know that you read here, especially if you are finding that you are having any personal or internal reactions (either positive or negative) while reading here. It’s often important for a therapist to know where their clients are getting information. It’s been historically proven that some members the dissociative population can be easily persuaded and affected by opinions of others. If you feel or believe that this blog is affecting you on that level, please be sure to discuss this with your therapist.
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8. If you want to discuss the topics you read on this blog with me on a more extended or personal basis, you are welcome to contact me via AbuseConsultants.com or to join my forum, SurvivorForum.com.
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9. Remember that you will be reading and interpreting articles and comments from your own personal perspectives, life experiences, and trauma issues. It’s nearly impossible to not do this. The key isn’t to fight or deny that, but to be aware of its impact. We all assign meaning and interpretation of what we read from our history and assumptions. It typically takes a lot of hard work and detailed conversation to genuinely understand each other, especially if someone is saying something different than what you already believe or expect. Genuine communication is hard work. But that’s ok. It’s important work.
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10. This can be seen here already, and if you look, you’ll see examples to what I’m talking about. Of course, you can all see what I’ve written and you can hear my preferences. Go beyond that for variety. There are well over 1000 comments made here in this blog. Have you noticed that some of the frequent commenters here have a visible theme / repeated perspective to their comments? Remember — I did not say this is a bad thing. It’s an engrained perspective that naturally affects interpretation. What is your long-term perspective on therapy / therapists / healing / DID / abuse, etc.? How do these things affect how your think? Just keep these ideas in mind as you are interpreting what you read.
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More Questions for Thought:
When you read something on this blog (or any blog) that is particularly powerful for you, what do you do with that information?
Do you journal about it? Talk with your insiders about it? Do you talk to your therapist about it?
How does reading this blog help you? What does it give you?
How does this blog impact your life? Your healing? Your therapy?
How does reading the blogs of other survivors help you?
What do you do with differences of opinion? Is it ok for people to disagree? Is it upsetting for you to see conflicting perspectives?
What if I present an idea that is opposite to how your therapist works. What do you do then?
How do you incorporate what you are learning here into your daily life with your insiders?
What do your insiders think of the various topics covered in this blog? Are you all talking together about the information you read here?
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Good communication is very hard work, but positive internal communication is the key to healing from dissociative identity disorder. The more you can talk and communicate effectively with your entire system, the more healing and progress you will make. Let what you are learning from communicating in this blog group apply towards helping you communicate effectively with your internal group.
__________
By:
Kathy Broady LCSW
www.AbuseConsultants.com
www.SurvivorForum.com
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