11.10.09

When You Suddenly Lose Your Therapist

Posted in Child Alters, DID Education, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, emotional pain, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:11 pm by Kathy Broady

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Several people that have been reading Discussing Dissociation have made posts and comments about how enormously painful and difficult it is to lose a therapist.

There are several different ways to “lose a therapist” but for the purposes of this particular blog entry, I’d like to focus on situations where there was sudden loss.

In my years of experience, I have seen a variety of circumstances that have led to clients suddenly losing their therapist.  When this happened during a long-term therapeutic relationship, the sudden loss is enormously difficult for dissociative trauma survivors.

DID survivors typically trust so few people, and there are usually very few people who are allowed to know the internal system in the way that the therapist gets to meet and know the insiders.  It often takes months of regular, frequent sessions for DID survivors to start feeling the teensiest bits of trust with their therapist in the first place. It may also take years of time before some of the more vulnerable insiders experience any feelings of trust at all.

When you find a good therapist that you connect with, it’s usually pretty important to keep that therapist.

But what if something happens and you suddenly lose your therapist?

What if you lose your therapist due to

  • An automobile wreck
  • An assault of some kind
  • An illness of some version
  • An unexpected pregnancy issue
  • A family member of the therapist is ill
  • An unexpected “personal leave” of any kind
  • An unexpected “medical leave” of any kind
  • The family of your therapist has required a move to another location

In these situations, it is very difficult, but the adult parts of the survivor can often understand the need for their therapist to have stepped out of the office, even for an extended period of time.  The loss is still there – and most of the internal system will likely still have enormous grief and struggles and emotional pain. The child parts and traumatized parts might blame themselves, but there will probably be someone in the system that can intellectually grasp that the sudden absence was related to an external issue, and not their fault.

But what about if you lose a therapist to one of these reasons:

  • Your therapist terminates with you, even if that is not your preference
  • Your therapist quits their job for any number of reasons
  • Your therapist takes a new job and can’t take you with them
  • Your spouse demands that you stop seeing your therapist
  • Another person tells you that your therapist is “bad for you”
  • Your therapist gets fired and can no longer work with you
  • Your therapist decides they are no longer working with DID

What about situations where it is less externally based and more connected to you?

What does it do to the survivor to lose a therapist?

In my experience, when a DID survivor loses their therapist, especially when there is very little time for a termination or goodbye process, there is a huge emotional fall-out from the sudden loss.  The therapeutic relationship is far too important to have a sudden ending, and the emotional overflow will be huge.

The DID survivor tends to:
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  • Act out their pain, anger, and fear in various forms of self-injury
  • Be unable to move forward in other areas of healing
  • Begin to either devalue or overly-pedestal the therapist (the love-hate response)
  • Blame themselves or other insiders for the loss
  • Cry, cry, and cry
  • Experience internal system chaos, increased internal fighting, decreased internal cooperation
  • Experience their internal landscapes and internal structures collapsing and the internal world may go dark, or feel unsafe and unfriendly
  • Express an ongoing ambivalence towards the therapist
  • Feel suicidal
  • Go into a long, deep, dark, devastating depression
  • Go into hiding – some of the internal parts may refuse to come back out
  • Go numb – become more detached or dissociated
  • Have a sudden regression in overall skills, abilities, and social interactions
  • Have lots of dreams or nightmares about the therapist
  • Hibernate within their own home, refusing to go out or interact with other people
  • Lash out with inappropriate or excessive anger at innocent people
  • Last out with inappropriate or excessive anger at the therapist
  • Leave therapy, refusing to trust another therapist
  • Lose hold of the positive gains they made with that therapist
  • Pretend that the therapist never existed anyway
  • Re-create history by remembering only the good events, making the therapist too perfect
  • Re-create history by twisting events into something negative, taking comfort by believing the therapist was “a bad guy anyway”
  • Refuse to truly leave the therapist alone (following from afar, maintaining contact, calling their phone, sending emails, etc)
  • Spend a lot more time sitting, staring, spacing out, etc.
  • Stay focused on the therapist, and their feelings about the therapist as their primary issue for an extended period of time

The termination process is as critical to the long-term health and well-being of the client as any other stage of therapy, if not more so.  In fact, a very positive therapeutic relationship can become completely tainted and twisted if the termination process is not handled properly.

Cold-turkey terminations are dangerous.

I cannot stress that enough – sudden terminations are not good.!!

They are not helpful.

They are harmful and emotionally devastating for the clients, and they set up the therapists for future problems.

If your treasured therapist has to leave for any reason, take the time to have as many termination sessions as possible.  The process of saying goodbye is complicated, but it is crucial to leave your therapist from a positive point of view.  Otherwise, you will experience an ongoing emotional fall-out that will extend much further into the future than you would expect.

———-
By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

10.31.09

The Layers of Halloween Weekend

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mind Control, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Trauma, emotional pain, sexual abuse, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:53 pm by Kathy Broady

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It’s Halloween weekend.

This is a difficult, heavy weekend for a lot of dissociative trauma survivors.

I’ll say right upfront – and please hear this clearly — that it is NOT a difficult or triggery weekend for every DID trauma survivor.  To assume that every dissociative survivor has experienced the same kinds of abuse is completely wrong, and I will be the first trauma therapist to say that not everyone has gone through the dark sadistic abuses associated with the days most commonly known as Halloween.

If you can enjoy the fun sides of Halloween – bags of candy, apple-bobbing parties, carving pumpkins, or trick or treating in silly costumes — that is great news for you.  Halloween is a non-abusive, non-holiday, safe-on-the-surface level social event for most people.  For these folks, it is not intended to be anything more traumatic than seeing the pretense of gross plastic items stocked in the party aisles of a store.  For the more courageous and daring, they will spend $20 at the locally created “Haunted House” – something quickly assembled much like a traveling carnival booth.

But for some dissociative trauma survivors, these days surrounding Halloween are very dark, and very scary, and filled with deep historical meaning.  There are far too many triggers everywhere, and the hidden, layered symbols feel anything but safe.

For anyone who has experienced the horrors of organized ritual abuse, the days surrounding Halloween are very truly difficult.  The nights are worse.  The heaviness, the darkness, the pulls toward things not comfortable feels very disturbing and over-powering.

Many survivors feel scattered or disorganized within their system.  Or they might feel like the internal dark ones are enveloping or surrounding them.  Or they feel pulled to gory pictures, or negative thoughts, or self-injury.  Images of gorging on food, or death and violence, or various sexual abuses might flood their mind.  These snippets can be indicators of memory flashbacks, or pulls to participate in current day nightmares.

Even if you went there in the past, you don’t have to go there anymore.

Even if your insiders are remembering their past, remembering then is not the same as being there now.

DID survivors with an RA history might not feel like their usual selves during the time around Halloween.  They might feel like isolating from their safe support people, and feel more drawn towards their abusers.  They might feel pulls to go out, or to go to some unknown somewhere…

However, on days like this, staying home – literally staying indoors and refusing to leave the safety of your home – is often the very best thing you can do.  Reassure your insiders that they do not have to participate in anything scary, and that they are allowed to be safe.  They do not have to be hurt anymore. They do not have to be handed over to danger.

They can stay home in the safety of your home.

It might be a battle.

If you been ritually abused, it probably will be a battle.

You might have parts in your system who have experienced unspeakable horrors during this week of time.  But the more you can protect them from ongoing abuse, and gently comfort them in regards to their past abuse, the better.

The days surrounding Halloween can be some of the most difficult, triggery days of the year.

However, I encourage you to use this time to get to know those parts of your system that have managed this for you.  Listen to them, and let them tell you some of their life experiences.  They will need the opportunity to heal from their trauma history as well.  And yes, it will be very hard for you to hear their life stories, but they have the same right to begin having safety, comforts, healing, and protection just like the rest of you.

Even if you feel afraid – don’t leave your most traumatized parts stuck in their abuse because you are too afraid to work with them.

Even if you feel horrified – don’t turn your back on helping these parts simply because you are horrified about what they had to go through.

Ignoring their pain, or refusing to teach them about the lighter sides of life means that they are left neglected and stuck in the darkness.

That’s not ok.

They need your help, even if that is not how they are first saying it.

Be brave.  Allow your whole system to heal and to experience safety.  Don’t leave any of your insiders stuck in the darkness.  It is not their fault they were abused in the darkness.  They are there because they were forced to be there.  It’s not their fault they were split off in that dark place.  But they originally came from you, so they belong to you.  Don’t let the darkness keep those parts, not even one of them.  They need you and your help to get them out of that darkness.

They need you to have enough courage and willingness and compassion to allow them the same chance at healing that you are having.

So be kind to your insiders.  Be willing to help the ones that have experienced the worst of the worst.  Let everyone within your system find freedom – healing – safety – gentleness – acceptance.

Help them find the way out.

__________

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

10.23.09

Remembering Annemaria

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Internal Communication, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma, sexual abuse, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 11:55 am by Kathy Broady

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There is a young woman who will always be precious to me.  I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she forever changed my life.

This date – October 23rd — had specific meaning for her.

And every year on this date, I specifically think of her.
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Back in the 80’s…

Annemaria was a 13 yr old wildly aggressive but enormously quiet girl that kept setting fires in the residential treatment center and starting fist fights with grown men.  She was a complicated child, and was court-ordered to have an assessment by a psychologist.  Fortunately for Annemaria, the psychologist had just attended a presentation about multiple personality disorder (MPD), learning about the symptoms of dissociation and trauma.  Annemaria was quickly diagnosed with MPD and due to the variety of extreme acting out behaviors she demonstrated within the custody setting, she was given an unusual opportunity.

It was clear that Annemaria was acting out her child abuse history.  She openly admitted to purposefully committing violent crimes so she would be taken out of her abusive home.  It was a brilliant plan for finding safety from her offender-parents.  Unconcerned about the long list of legal charges against her, she knew she would be safer living in residential treatment centers, and she was glad to be there.  No one doubted her abusive past, and a long string of child protection workers advocated for her safety.

As requested, the Court agreed to give Annemaria the longest sentence possible so she could remain in the residential treatment center instead of being forced to go home.  They did this for the preventive safety of the people she would be willing to assault in the future, but also for her own current-day safety and protection.  The Court also ordered that she be given specialized treatment and intensive therapy.

Since she was so violent towards men, she was to be assigned a female staff member, and this staff member was to devote the vast majority of her time to working individually with Annemaria.

This is when Annemaria changed my life.

I was assigned to be Annemaria’s personal staff member.

I knew about sexual abuse, but I didn’t know a thing about MPD.  I had been trained to work with family systems, but I didn’t know anything about internal systems.  But I was thoroughly pleased to have been given the assignment of working with Annemaria.  I knew it would be fascinating work, and frankly, Annemaria and I already had a little bit of a connection.  Afterall, I was the only person in the entire treatment center that she would speak to.

I had two years to work with Annemaria.  We did hours and hours of therapy every week, and even more hours of everyday life-skills work.  She blossomed in that safe, healing environment but for such a young child, her stories of abuse were more than any of the treatment staff could fathom.  Eventually, a non-threatening but strong young man was assigned to assist me during Annemaria’s acting out or heavy-duty memory flashbacks.  She bounced a lot of male anger in his direction, but he handled that like a pro.  The work was tough, and we leaned on each other a lot.  Even so, I developed secondary PTSD, and experienced numerous nightmares after listening to Annemaria’s stories of trauma.  I really hadn’t known such horrors existed.  Talk about a learning curve…  They hadn’t explained ANY of that in grad school!

I had so much to learn.  I had no idea anyone could be abused in the ways that Annemarie described in such vivid detail.  She was only 13.  It had just happened.  She had been abused her whole life, but still… it had just happened!  Even though she was dissociative, she knew a lot about it.

She and I taught each other about two very different worlds.  She taught me about her world, and I taught her about mine.  We both ended those two years in a very different place.

I was truly never the same.

I hope that I impacted her life in the same way.

I also wish I could re-do those two years with Annemaria.  Now that I have had 20 years experience working with MPD – currently called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — I would do those first two years very differently.  I’ve learned more about self-injury and how to manage those behaviors effectively.  I’ve learned about depression, anxiety, PTSD and vicarious traumatization.  I’ve learned about flashbacks, amnesia, body memories, and internal system communication.  I’ve learned about organized abuse, the sex slave industry, pornography, and ritual abuse.  NOW I am properly prepared to address the issues that Annemaria was speaking about.

But then?

I just didn’t have a clue.

And how sad was that.
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Today is Annemaria’s day.

And today, while I was recording my BlogTalkRadio show on Internal Communication, I thought of Annemaria.

While I felt confident in explaining how so many things work for DID / MPD, I thought of Annemaria.

I just wish I knew then what I know now.

I could accomplish so much more with Annemaria in two years at this point in time than I could have back in the 80’s when I was new to the field.  It saddens, me in that respect, because I didn’t give to her then what I could give to her now.

But she changed my life.

In fact, she changed the entire course of my life.

I would not be where I am if it were not for Annemaria.

And for that, I owe her a few years of decent therapy.

Annemaria, if you ever find me again, you’ve got yourself a therapist for as long as you need one!

And thank you, Annemaria.

Thank you.

———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

10.18.09

Safety First – Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence

Posted in Domestic Violence, Family Members of Trauma Survivors, Physical Abuse, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Trauma, emotional pain, mental health, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 6:49 pm by Kathy Broady

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Hi Everyone,

Tonight at 9 pm CST, I will be presenting on BlogTalkRadio.

You are welcome to listen to the radio show or to participate by calling in.  I’ll be glad to hear from you!

For more information, please go to:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dvmemorial

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Safety First – Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence (part 1)

Domestic Violence (DV) is a form of sexual and physical abuse that far too many adult women (or men) experience in their spousal / partner relationship. Many victims of domestic abuse do not even recognize that the level of trauma they are experiencing within their own home is actually considered Domestic Violence. However, like any victim of current-day abuse, it is important for these survivors to find safety.

Kathy Broady LCSW is a trauma therapist from Dallas Texas with 25 yrs experience working with victims of abuse – child abuse survivors, sexual abuse survivors, dissociative trauma survivors, domestic violence survivors, PTSD survivors, etc.

In collaboration with DVMemorial, Kathy will be presenting a series of shows about recognizing domestic violence, leaving abusive relationships, exploring the emotional difficulties that trap survivors in ongoing violence, addressing how dissociation and denial create additional complications, etc.

Tonight’s episode is the first show in the series about Recognizing and Leaving Domestic Violence. Callers will be welcomed to join and encouraged to actively participate in the discussion. Your questions and comments will be addressed in the order received.

For more information about Kathy Broady LCSW, or to contact her for therapeutic assistance, please go to www.AbuseConsultants.com, www.SurvivorForum.com, or http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com .

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If you are unable to listen to the radio show while it it on the air, you will be able to hear it from the DVMemorial Archives.

Domestic Violence is a form of ongoing current-day abuse that happens for far too many dissociative trauma survivors.  I am honored to have been asked to speak about this topic.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

10.10.09

Can You Lead Your System?

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 8:29 pm by Kathy Broady

Are you a leader?

Do you know what it takes to be a leader?

Multiples – trauma survivors with dissociative identity disorder – experience life as plural.  Dissociative systems may be internal sets of people, but they are still groups of people nonetheless.

All groups of people need a leader they can look up to – someone they can trust, someone they can depend on, someone with their best interests in mind even when times get tough.  These leaders help to make decisions that affect everyone else.  They hopefully will decide things on that are the best for the majority of the people within their group.  And these leaders need to care enough about what their people want and need in order to make good decisions.

Dissociative systems need leaders too.

Who is the leader of your system?

And what does it take to be a good leader?

A leader is someone who knows enough about a wide variety of the important issues that they can make truly informed decisions on behalf of the others.   These leaders know that they have the responsibility to know.  They can’t pretend or ignore reality.  They have to actually be aware of what happens now (and what happened then) so the decisions they make will be relevant and wise.

If you are the leader of your dissociative system, it is important that you understand all the different opinions-thoughts-feelings of your various internal system parts.

We expect the political leaders to listen to the people. All the people.

Dissociative system leaders also need to listen to the people – all their internal people.

Being a good leader does not mean that you get to block out the rest of your system and have a dictatorship.  That might work if you value selfishness, but not if you are going to be an effective group leader.

Being a good leader means being willing to not use your dissociative skills to distance yourself from everyone else.  While you might have the ability to block out your insiders from time to time, this can’t be your primary state of existence if you are going to actually be the system leader.

System leaders aren’t necessarily the host alter.  That host / front part of you may be who people from the outside (“in real life”) world believe to be your leader, but daytime hosts that deal only (or mostly) with the outside world will probably not be the internal system leader.  If your daytime host cannot interact frequently and easily with various layers of your internal system, then my guess is that they are not actually the system leader.  They might be the leader of their “department”, but without having the ability to communicate with various groups of your internal people, this host part will not be the overall “store manager”.

There will be someone else in your group that has more overall say-so.  They may be willing to let the “day people” deal with the outside world while they very specifically manage the leadership of the internal worlds.

Remember, to be a leader, one has to be able to communicate with the people they lead.

Dissociative system leaders truly listen to their insiders.  They don’t hide behind amnesiac walls.  They aren’t afraid to know what happened in the past.   They are willing to know the truth – to know the reality – to know how it feels to be there, in that spot….

Do you know the life-stories of your various insiders?

Can you relate with compassion, gentleness, and caring for the people you represent?

Can you identify with their struggles? With their pain?  With their fears?

Are you willing to help them? To problem-solve with them? To address their concerns?

Can you withstand the pressure of making decisions that could affect everyone else?

To lead effectively, you must know who your people are.

———-

By:

Kathy Broady, LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

09.09.09

Encouragement on a Difficult Day

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mind Control, Prevention of Sexual Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Self Injury, Therapy and Counseling, Trauma tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:09 pm by Kathy Broady

Hello Everyone,
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To those of you that have been having a very difficult day today – please know that you can fight that.
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You don’t have to do anything dangerous.

You don’t have to hurt yourself.

You don’t have to do anything harmful to yourself.

You don’t have to go to places where you get hurt.

You don’t have to go to places where your insiders get hurt.

You don’t have to go to places where someone else wants you to hurt.

You don’t have to give yourself to something that is dark and harmful.

You don’t have to go where you get stripped naked.

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Find someone safe.  There really are safe people out there.

Stay by them.  Stay with them.  Stay near them.

Learn about protecting yourself, and your insiders.

You can be safe from all that hurt, you really can.

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I wanted you to know that there are kind helping people that understand why you are having such a difficult time today.

You are not alone in your struggle today.

I’m not going to explain much out here on this public blog – I know that far too many of you will already know what I mean.

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But yes, you can get help and support and understanding…

From gentle people who will not strip you naked.
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You can be who you want to be.

You can be who you decide that you are.

You don’t have to be who they say that you are.

You can be who you say you are.

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———-

By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

09.06.09

When Blogs are a Healing Resource for Survivors

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Online Therapy, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 7:55 pm by Kathy Broady

I am still amazed by the excellent group discussion and active participation that was generated by my last blog post.  Considering that one of the main purposes of this blog is to “discuss dissociation”, I think that’s good!   Thank you, everyone, for your active interest.  I do appreciate that.

I have been contemplating a number of different follow up topics after such an intense discussion.  There is a wide variety of important offshoot directions that I could take.

However, after reading some of the comments submitted, I’ve decided to first post some tips and guidelines to remember while using this blog as a healing resource.

The longer I have Discussing Dissociation, the more I can see how reading this blog — or any blog – can have a significant impact as a healing resource.  What do you do with the information that you read?  Why do you read it?  What keeps you interested and coming back?  I’ve been thinking about all that, and it’s becoming clearer to me how this blog is having an impact on the healing process for many of you.

Thank you.  I am genuinely honored that so many of you are using this blog as a resource.

There are some things that I would like for you to remember while you are reading this blog.

1. I am simply sharing my thoughts based on my experiences as a trauma therapist who specialized in dissociative identity disorder, but there is nothing “simple” about DID.  I find it very hard to dissect the complex, layered, multi-faceted elements of DID into one single article, 700-1500 words at a time.  There is just sooooo much more to say about each and every topic, and please know that for every point in one direction, I completely understand there are 20 other points facing other directions.  But one blog article can only be so long before it becomes too cumbersome to read or write.  But … keep reading over time.  The more I post, the more the various angles will be addressed.

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2. The way each individual trauma therapist conducts his or her therapy sessions is as unique as the way an artist paints a picture.  Your therapist may very well do things very differently than I do.  That is not unusual, and the challenge is to incorporate the information and methods that works best for you and your healing.  It is not about right or wrong – it is about what works for you.

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3. I hope that the issues discussed in this blog encourage you to think.  I do not presume to have all the answers, but I can give you a starting place to process and explore your trauma issues.  Learning to think for yourself is a very crucial part of your healing.  Please take the information I provide and work with it as it fits for you.  Ask yourself questions.  Journal about it.  Check inside.  Write a comment.  Write more about it on your own blog. Just remember – your abusers would have controlled your thinking for a very long time.  Breaking out of their dictated thought processes is very important, so yes — thinking on your own is a very good thing.

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4. Please know that it is ok to take the topics you have read in my blog to your therapist for more individual discussion on a personal level.  I write about the things I have learned in my 25 years of working with trauma and dissociative disorders.  I know patterns relating to the DID/MPD diagnosis, typical information about survivors with DID/MPD, techniques to use in sessions, questions to ask, etc.  But your therapist knows you and your internal system.  If you find information that seems to fit you, please discuss this further with your therapist.

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5. If you feel particularly triggered or upset by anything written in this blog, including the comments written by other readers, please discuss this with your therapist as well.  Emotional triggers can be uncomfortable and upsetting, but they can also be enormously valuable milestones in your healing process.   If you work with triggers to understand what they are bringing up for you, you can most definitely use this information to push further into your healing.

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6. Please understand that your therapist and I may have very different approaches to working with DID.  That is ok – to each his own.  As I said, each therapist is his or her own person, and we all work in the ways that best fit us as individuals.  However, if you see a significant contradiction in what I say compared to what your therapist does, it is ok and important to talk to your therapist about this.  This blog is not intended to undermine your therapy or your therapist’s opinion.  I emphasize again — I hope that you can and will openly discuss any significant questions or concerns with your therapist, as needed.

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7. If you are a regular reader of this blog, I strongly encourage you to let your therapist know that you read here, especially if you are finding that you are having any personal or internal reactions (either positive or negative) while reading here.  It’s often important for a therapist to know where their clients are getting information.  It’s been historically proven that some members the dissociative population can be easily persuaded and affected by opinions of others.  If you feel or believe that this blog is affecting you on that level, please be sure to discuss this with your therapist.

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8. If you want to discuss the topics you read on this blog with me on a more extended or personal basis, you are welcome to contact me via AbuseConsultants.com or to join my forum, SurvivorForum.com.

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9. Remember that you will be reading and interpreting articles and comments from your own personal perspectives, life experiences, and trauma issues.  It’s nearly impossible to not do this.  The key isn’t to fight or deny that, but to be aware of its impact.  We all assign meaning and interpretation of what we read from our history and assumptions. It typically takes a lot of hard work and detailed conversation to genuinely understand each other, especially if someone is saying something different than what you already believe or expect.  Genuine communication is hard work.  But that’s ok.  It’s important work.

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10. This can be seen here already, and if you look, you’ll see examples to what I’m talking about. Of course, you can all see what I’ve written and you can hear my preferences.  Go beyond that for variety.  There are well over 1000 comments made here in this blog. Have you noticed that some of the frequent commenters here have a visible theme / repeated perspective to their comments?   Remember — I did not say this is a bad thing.  It’s an engrained perspective that naturally affects interpretation.  What is your long-term perspective on therapy / therapists / healing / DID / abuse, etc.?  How do these things affect how your think?  Just keep these ideas in mind as you are interpreting what you read.
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More Questions for Thought:

When you read something on this blog (or any blog) that is particularly powerful for you, what do you do with that information?

Do you journal about it?  Talk with your insiders about it?  Do you talk to your therapist about it?

How does reading this blog help you?  What does it give you?

How does this blog impact your life? Your healing? Your therapy?

How does reading the blogs of other survivors help you?

What do you do with differences of opinion?  Is it ok for people to disagree?  Is it upsetting for you to see conflicting perspectives?

What if I present an idea that is opposite to how your therapist works.  What do you do then?

How do you incorporate what you are learning here into your daily life with your insiders?

What do your insiders think of the various topics covered in this blog? Are you all talking together about the information you read here?
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Good communication is very hard work, but positive internal communication is the key to healing from dissociative identity disorder. The more you can talk and communicate effectively with your entire system, the more healing and progress you will make.  Let what you are learning from communicating in this blog group apply towards helping you communicate effectively with your internal group.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

08.30.09

Protecting Your Therapeutic Relationship and the Therapeutic Community

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, Therapy Homework Ideas, Therapy and Counseling, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:44 pm by Kathy Broady

There are thousands of clinical therapists in the world.

However, of all the therapists in the world, only a few work with trauma and PTSD.

Of all the trauma therapists, only a few work with the areas of sexual abuse and severe trauma.

Of those therapists, only a few work with dissociative disorders, DID/MPD and DDNOS.

Of the DID therapists, only a very few work with issues relating to organized perpetrator groups.

And in that small subset of therapists, only a few work with more than two or three dissociative survivors at any one time.

And it is the rare therapist among that already vanishingly small number who stay in the field for more than a few years… or long enough to gain the experience they would need in order to be most helpful to the population of clients they serve,

So of all the thousands and thousands of therapists in the world, there are relatively very few who will have the kind of knowledge and experience that you are looking for when you need a specialist in the areas of trauma and dissociation.

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Why do so many therapists refuse to work in this area when there is so much need?

And why do so many therapists leave the field after committing years of dedication to dissociative survivors?

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It’s time to be honest.

First – please remember, I am one of the rare few who has stayed loyal and passionately dedicated to the fields of trauma and dissociation for more than 20 years.  It is hard to find trauma therapists with that much commitment to the dissociative population.  I am on your side – I will prove that over and over – but I am going to be honest.

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DID’ers are a very difficult population of people for a therapist to work with !!!!

Now don’t get me wrong.  Some of you are absolutely wonderful – without question, the most incredible heroes and the very most courageous people I have ever met.  Those of you in this category are absolute diamonds, and I really cannot say enough positive things about you.  You all are truly inspirational, and I am honored to work beside you.

Unfortunately, those who are genuinely dedicated to their therapy and who work hard to achieve their deepest healing are all too often undermined by the few survivors who are willing to do anything but work on their healing.

Oh, these survivors will SAY they are working in therapy…. They will CLAIM they are dedicated to their healing…. They go through the motions, and they spout all the right words.  To a point.  And then they don’t anymore.

Because in reality, this small number of survivors is more interested in hurting other people than they are in healing their own pain.  They are more interested in destroying others than they are in helping themselves.  They are willing to lie about anything or anyone just to get attention drawn to themselves.  They are very destructive and they are very sick.

And these destructive survivors could be costing you a lot more than you realize.

Ouch.

I am sure as a population, this is not pleasant to hear.  Please know that I am not saying this to all of you.

Those of you that are genuinely dedicated to your healing know exactly what I am talking about – I’m sure – because you have most likely already witnessed your healing resources being used up, beat up, and exhausted by fellow survivors whose intentions were far from honorable.  The survivors that do this are sabotaging those of you that are truly trying to heal, because the therapeutic field gets completely burnt out by “them” and ends up not having the time or energy or interest to work with you.  Many good therapists simply will not be willing to risk working with other survivors after they have had some bad experiences with these destructive survivors.

So… the survivors that are undermining your therapists are doing harm to themselves, to the therapists, and to you.  They are attacking, abusing, and destroying your therapeutic resources, leaving  you with less.  These “bad apples” are giving the whole dissociative population a bad name, and frankly, this kind of behavior should not be tolerated by any of us.

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Now what?

If you all want mental health professionals to stay working in the fields of trauma and dissociation, it is important to make that work worth it to them, and not a “nightmare” for them.

I am not saying that you have to feed the egos of the therapists, or provide support for them, or do any freaky weird boundary violations.  Therapists became therapists for intrinsic reasons of their own.  We don’t need y’all to “make it worth it” to us by what you give to us.

Therapists want you to make their work worth it by allowing them to genuinely do their job.  We want you to address your issues, work on your healing, stay focused on your system, be honest with your feelings, etc.  If you will do your job of focusing completely on your own healing, we as therapists will be thrilled with that.  Your genuine progress will be our reward.

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That being said, what can you do to protect the relationship you have with your therapist in particular? And how can you do your part to protect the resources available in the therapeutic community, so that therapists are more motivated to enter and remain in the field, and more survivors have the opportunity to work with truly skilled professionals?

How can you separate yourself from those survivors that are destructive?

How can you make sure you are helping the problem, and not creating the problem?

Here are some ideas of what NOT to do:

  • Don’t lie to yourself and expect others to believe you.
  • Don’t lie to your therapist.  How can you heal if you are not honest in your sessions?
  • Don’t lie about a therapist.  Don’t believe lies about a therapist.
  • Don’t gossip about a therapist. Don’t believe gossip about a therapist.  Don’t spread unfounded false allegations.  Don’t chase off or destroy therapeutic resources with false accusations.
  • Don’t forget to examine your transference feelings, and recognize them as transference issues.  Don’t forget how projection, transference, displacement, and amnesia can affect your thinking. Work openly and genuinely on these issues instead of blaming the therapist.
  • Don’t attack a therapist because you are too afraid to address the real source of your anger.
  • Don’t let therapists become the “bad guys” in your definition.  Therapists are your helpers. They are there to help with your healing.  Learn quickly how to define the helpers from the hurters, and address that confusion as often as necessary.
  • Don’t assume that all “survivors” are automatically being honest with you (or themselves) when they are trashing a therapist.  Remember, they may be in the “hate” cycle of the love-hate dynamic.
  • Don’t assume that all “survivors” are working for the betterment of the survivor community.  Some so-called survivors are truly moles from the dark sides of the world, and are here to cause trouble in any way they can.
  • Don’t let your jealousies and insecurities consume you and destroy your focus.  If you want your therapist all to yourself, hire them to work 40 hrs per week at their full hourly rates.  If that is not an option, be mature enough to know your therapist is going to have other clients.

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Here are some ideas about what TO do:

  • Be genuinely honest with your yourself. The more honest you are, the more healing you will accomplish.
  • Be genuinely honest with your therapist. Your therapist can help best when they genuinely understand the issues.
  • Remember that your healing is to be focused on you, your behavior, your feelings, your mistakes, your strengths, your weaknesses, etc.  Your therapy is about you, so keep the topics focused on you, even when it is hard to look at yourself.
  • Do your own internal system homework in between sessions.  Your healing will progress as you put your own time and effort into it.
  • Be kind, appreciative, thankful, and polite.  This doesn’t mean to grovel or do penance.  Just use normal social manners and social politeness.
  • Remember that your therapist does not have to be your emotional (or physical) punching bag. If you are hitting too hard, redirect your anger towards your abusers, where it belongs.
  • Give yourself adequate time to work through the complexities of your healing process. An experienced therapist will not rush you, and it is truly ok for you to take as much time to heal as you need.
  • Separate yourself from other survivors that are troublemakers and instigators of negative drama.  Just like school days, if you hang out with people causing harm, you’ll end up doing the same, or being tangled in their web. Their poor behavior will cost you.  You can decide if that is worth it to you or not.
  • Ignore the drama queens determined to cause trouble in front of you.  If you refuse to buy into their antics, they will move on to other pastures.  If you give drama precedence over your own healing, you will not be progressing in your own healing.  Protect the entire dissociative community by supporting your therapeutic resources.
  • Remember to think for yourself.  All too often, survivors listen to any strong, authoritative voice that tells them what to do.  If someone is telling you negative things about your therapist, set a boundary, stop, and re-evaluate all sides of your situation.
  • Talk openly with your therapist about any concerns you have.  Give yourself the chance to problem-solve any difficulties or conflicts that arise.  Working through conflicts is an important part of your healing process, and it does not necessarily require a therapeutic rupture.

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If you can truly apply these guidelines, you will be honoring your own healing. You will also be showing respect to your individual therapist, protecting other ongoing therapeutic relationships, supporting the greater survivor community, and enhancing the larger therapeutic community.

Maybe most of you think that you are not actively involved in the destruction of the therapeutic resources, but if you support it, believe it, allow it to go on by your “friends”, etc, then you could be more involved than you realize. You can either help to maintain effective therapeutic resources, or you can allow their destruction.

It’s a conscious decision that each one of you has to make.

Everyone has to do their part in protecting the few therapeutic resources available for dissociative survivors.  You can choose to support the destructive people, or you can choose to kick them to the curb, and get along with your own healing.

Remember, if you genuinely focus on yourself and your own healing, then you are doing all you need to do.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

08.28.09

The Love / Hate Relationship for Borderlines

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, DID Education, DID/MPD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Self Injury, mental health, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:50 am by Kathy Broady

There are distinct differences between Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (DID).  There are many overlapping symptoms, and some therapists believe that all trauma survivors with DID are also BPD.  I, however, do not hold that perspective.

In my opinion, not all trauma survivors with DID are BPD.  However, I will guess that the greater portion of DID’ers are also borderline.  This makes the discussion of borderline behaviors an important topic for dissociative trauma survivors.

Borderline survivors are frequently characterized with black and white thinking, self-injury, impulsive behaviors, repeated crises, intense abandonment issues, suicidal behaviors, inappropriate anger, mood instability, irritability, paranoid thinking, an unstable self image, etc.  There are a wide variety of BPD behaviors that could be discussed over a series of posts.  I’ll save those topics for another day.

For this blog post, I want to focus on a particular aspect of BPD:  having a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (see the DSM IV).

Unstable and intense relationships.

People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers [or therapists] at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts often reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder

Ok, that’s a lot of psychobabble talk, so what does that mean?

This is when the BPD survivor alternates between thinking someone is wonderful – excellent – the very best, and then thinking that very same person is horrific – awful – horrible.  The BPD survivor will show or feel excessive attachment to a new person, and in a sense fall madly in love with this person.  They put this new person on a pedestal, believing the person to be more incredibly perfect and wonderful than they could possibly be in real life, and they crave constant attention and special recognition from their new perfect person.  (But don’t ask the BPD survivor to admit that. All too many BPD survivors deny their craving for more, more, more.)

But of course, no one can stay “perfect” for long.  The perfect person will inevitably do something that just doesn’t measure up.  Typically, the “errors” created by the perfect person are that they did not shower the BPD survivor with enough individual, specialized attention.  This is nearly always the fatal crime – just not doing enough to keep the attention-starved BPD person happy with unquestionable importance.  So, before they know it, the perfect person will suddenly become the hated target, responsible for all evils of the world.  And when BPD survivors swing from the feelings of intense positive adoration to the angry hateful place, they are willing to, and actually desirous of, utterly destroying the same person they once loved.

Does anyone remember the movie, Fatal Attraction?  That movie portrays a Hollywood version of the love-hate relationship experienced by borderlines.  Hollywood was extreme in their portrayal, of course, but the love-hate flip-flop is easily seen.

For trauma survivors with both BPD and DID, the love-hate flip-flop can happen quickly and easily.  Remember, as DID survivors, they are very used to switching and to containing opposite life perspectives in opposite extremes.  So, when the dissociative BPD feels abandoned by their treasured “good object” and becomes upset with them, the flip into hatred might not be that far away.

The abandonment can be experienced in any number of ways.  Being very sensitive to any rejection of intense connection they desire, simple things can be interpreted as huge emotional offences — for example, if the once perfect person sets limits by saying “no” to a specific request, or by not offering extra time, or by going away themselves. Even if the reasons for being away are valid, no reason is good enough – every reason still means they are left behind, and that is not acceptable.

Jealousy is frequently an intense motivator too.  When BPD survivors want a cherished relationship with their new perfect person, they have all kinds of jealous pangs if they believe someone else has a more treasured place than they do.   Instead of doing the work it takes to keep their own relationships in a positive place, they focus outwardly on relationships that belong to others, drowning in their jealousy and anger, and inevitably destroying the relationships they wanted to cherish.

For dissociative trauma survivors, the therapeutic relationship is an incredibly important relationship.  Developing and protecting this relationship is both central and crucial to the entire healing process.  DID’ers can spend years of time with their therapist, and cultivating the skills to keep this relationship in a workable, positive place is critical.

For BPD survivors, the therapeutic relationship is equally important.  However, these survivors often lack the skills needed to maintain positive long-term relationships, even with therapists.  Therapists very frequently become the target of the love-hate flip-flop dynamic.  Many therapists refuse to work with clients with BPD precisely because of this dynamic.

This love-hate borderline behavioral pattern should help to explain how any therapist can be the most dearest of therapists, and then a short time later, be the most hated. It’s a behavioral symptom of BPD. It doesn’t mean that the therapist is actually wonderful or horrible. It just means BPD survivor is acting out the black-white, love-hate, attachment-abandonment issue that is central to BPD.

When you know to look for it, you’ll see it happening all over the place in the trauma survivor population.

So when you hear someone attempting to destroy or bad-mouth someone else, consider the bigger clinical context of what this kind of behavior is about.

And please – work very hard to NOT do this to your therapist.  Your therapist will not likely become your worst enemy unless you make that happen.   Instead of destroying your cherished relationships, it is much better to protect them with all that you have.  Don’t believe lies.  Don’t tell yourself lies.  Remember who your therapist is and do not confuse your therapist with any other person (mother, father, perpetrator, etc). The disordered dynamics related to BPD are a complication, but they do not have to become an insuperable obstacle — you really can choose not to let these dynamics dominate your relationships, with your therapist or anyone else.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

08.18.09

Depression and Dissociative Identity Disorder, part 2

Posted in DID Education, DID/MPD, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Communication, Self Injury, Trauma, emotional pain, mental health, therapy, trauma therapist tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 4:17 pm by Kathy Broady

Welcome to the second half of “Depression and Dissociative Identity Disorder”.  The first seven tips have been previously posted.  At this point in time, I will continue with the list of tips for how to specifically address chronic depression for trauma survivors with DID:

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8. As the memories surface, feelings will also surface.  Expressing genuine emotion is key to working through depression.  Crying tears of grief, screaming out in anger, quivering in fear may not feel comfortable, but holding these very real and intense emotions deep within will create long-term depression.  Allowing these emotions to come out safely and appropriately – even if years after the original point of acquiring these emotions – will help.

9. In the appropriate time, let other parts of your dissociative system know about the information that was held by the depressed parts.  Overcoming the dissociative barriers by sharing that information between the system parts is critical in your long-term healing.  The more that your internal system shares with each other, the more you all can work together towards healing.   The full story line does not have to be shared immediately with everyone. However, keeping pockets of dissociated information will continue to create an underlying cause for chronic depression.

10. Your feelings will need lots and lots of processing time.  Talk, cry, draw, write, vocalize what you are feeling as many hours and hours over time as you feel these feelings.  If you have been holding your emotions in for years of time, it will take oodles of time for these feelings to be worked through.  Talking about it once or twice won’t be enough.  Pushing feelings back down into non-expression will create more depression.  While it will be very new territory to learn how to express your feelings, it is a necessary step.

11. Learn new rules about the expression of feelings.  For example, in the past, when you were at risk of being hurt by your perpetrators, you most likely learned that it was not safe to express anger towards those that violently abused you.  And yes, in that time frame, when you were likely to express direct injury from your perpetrators, it was safest for you to push those angry feelings deep within.  At that time, that was a good decision.  However, once you are away from your perpetrators, and the risk of ongoing abuse is no longer prominent, it is both essential and ok to express anger at your perpetrators’ atrocious, criminal behavior.  Your healing will require that you remember to adjust with your changing circumstances, including creating new rules for expression

12. Learn to direct your anger at an appropriate target, even if that means starting with a “generic” unnamed target.  Talk with your therapist about the variety of anger-expression techniques that allow your anger to be vocalized without creating harm to anyone else.  Learning to express your feelings does not give you permission to take it out on whoever is there.  The more you can express your anger directly towards the perpetrators that harmed you, the more effective it will be.  Likewise, misdirecting your anger towards the wrong target (ie: someone who was not responsible for your abuse or injuries), will only create more problems for you, and will harm a lot of innocent people in the process.  For example, getting angry with your children or your therapist will not resolve the anger you feel towards your parents.

13.  As a continuation of tip #12, be willing to learn specifically about transference, projection, displacement of emotion, etc.  Survivors who have had years of repressed emotion due to duress and abuse will truly need to practice expressing their emotions properly, and will need to learn when they are misdirecting their emotions. All survivors that were not allowed to express anger directly naturally learned to displace any display of anger in sideward ways.  Realize that you will continue to get this mixed up for awhile.  Be very aware that you might first take your anger out on safer targets. These mistakes are to be expected, and not a “fault” of yours, but it is still your responsibility to learn more accurate skills.  Making the mistake of blaming the wrong person will only add to your depression.  It will leave the deeper feelings unprocessed, unaddressed, and unhealed, thereby creating the foundation for ongoing depression and pain.

14. Replace the years of trauma and abuse with your own preferred people and activities that you enjoy. Once your life is full of happier, more meaningful things, you won’t feel as depressed.  This probably will not happen quickly or easily, and you might have to learn how to live again.  It might feel like you are learning to live for the very first time.  You might have to learn how to love, or how to experience joy, or how to play, or how to forgive, or how to explore, etc.  The more you can fill your life with activities of your own choosing, the less depressed you will feel.

15.  Be sure to encourage all of your insiders to have their own individual healing process.  Let each of them work through their own traumas, their own feelings, and let each of them find new and more positive interests in life.  As each individual part of you experiences less depression, the whole of you will experience less depression.  If you let only some parts heal, the whole of you will still be affected by the parts that were not given the chance to work through their healing.  Remember, as split and divided as you might feel, you are still all connected within the same one body and the same one brain.  To truly overcome depression, all of your insiders need the chance to overcome their pain.

Depression can be very debilitating.

Healing your trauma issues will be fundamental to overcoming the effects of the chronic depression.

In other words, in my opinion, you will continue to struggle with depression if you have unresolved trauma issues.  If your dissociative symptoms have a significant negative impact on your ability to function, the liklihood of your having a significant level of major depression (MDD) is also present.

It is true that there may be other reasons for your depression in addition to trauma. (Please note: those topics were not addressed in this blog).

However, it is safe to assume that if you have unresolved trauma issues, you will most likely have chronic depression.  And, the less unresolved trauma in your life, the less depression you’ll experience.

So….. get to work on addressing your DID / trauma issues.  You’ll feel better for it!!

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

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